Hi all, Been reading here since recent (20th Dec 2014) return to sobriety, following a moderate 5 week short term lapse, after being completely clean for 8 months prior (Mar - Oct 2014). Found my old journal from 2011 at ... http://feedtherightwolf.org/forum/threads/zippys-recovery-journal.822/ There were no counters back then, and I felt that I deserved one for my new run, so have come to join the party here!
Hi Zippy and thanks for your post. I could only get 4 pages of your old journal. I have posted a response on my own journal for all to see but wanted to reply to you directly. I guess my main point is to say that the number doesn't mean a whole lot and what I have realised is that the best I can ever say is that I am 'clean' today ( within my own definition) but that it is and always will be day by day. It doesn't represent a whole lot more than that to me and is not intended to. The struggle is daily and sometimes it is harder than others and even were I at 1000 it would be nothing in comparison to the accumulated time that I spent doing PMO. I have found that these days I am more painfully aware of the causes that created the PMO and other symptoms and it is these that are represented in the journal as honestly as I can represent them. I don't feel good that I edge to cope sometimes but then I don't feel good that I eat to cope sometimes. Is it better than where I started , for sure , could it be better , for sure. You do have a point that a more elaborate counter would draw my attention to other slips but sometimes I ask where do you end.To be honest I could have a counter that also says ' so many days since I ate a whole chocolate bar in 5 minutes ' . You could probably fairly say that I am being overly defensive about this and you would probably be right so I shall think on.
4 pages is all I did there, it felt at the time like I was done. In the period since, I've never been back to anywhere near the rock bottom I began this battle from. However, I've come here due to feeling my controlled use (and it was fairly well controlled) deteriorating. Last time was a 95% victory. This time I'm looking to beat my addiction 100%.
Wife began her period this morning, so marital intimacy off the menu until the weekend at least. No problem, urges are non-existent, which feels like the way things should be. When called upon in bed, I've engaged with no issues, so it's not really a flatline, just a general calmness about all things sexual. I can recall in the early stages of this journey (back in 2011) wishing for the day this was the case, so here's to it!
8 days of next to no sexual thought ended today with O with wife. Happy now to switch off that part of my brain until the next time. Not planting seeds for the the PMO process to begin is key for me, and moving quickly past even the mildest triggers is no big deal. Approaching a month now.
One month today. A very different outlook to my initial reboot in 2011. Back then I was much more aware of a desire/need to O regularly. This time it's almost a non-issue. It's now about 4 years since I first became aware of the damage my PMO addiction had caused, and I'd guess I'm as "cured" as I'm ever going to be. Of course, it would take very little to reset back to square one, so vigilance remains part of my daily schedule.
Thank you for coming back, even though you may not have wanted to. I’m going to go through your previous journal. Did you ever experience a Flatline period?
Yes and no .. Before I heard of the term "flatline", I used to test regularly to make sure my equipment was still working, worried that I was experiencing no major urges. However, it was always working when tested, and this probably led to a few slip-ups along the way. For me the flatline is a result of keeping the mind away from anything triggering, and it's something I welcome.
Quick check-in. Approaching 7 days no O, wife been crabby and I can't be bothered to push for any action. No relapse urges.
Broke no O streak Sunday morning (2 days back) with wife, who was ovulating and requesting attention. First tingles of old urges appearing for me today. Was woken up at about 2am. by our youngest (20 months) who was having a party by himself in the room next to us. Had a major nocturnal wood, which verged on painful and was screaming to be dealt with. However, I rode it out and got back to sleep after a while. On with the business of the day ahead!
Able to get a hard-on and keep it long enough to fuck after thirty eight days?! Well done! I'm still in Flatline and can't even imagine.
Hehe, This is my re-reboot. I've been at this nearly 4 years overall, initial progress wasn't as good. Shouldn't be long for you I think. You'll get a pleasant surprise when you hook up with someone, so keeping it clean while you wait is paramount.
Morning wood is always a really good sign. Nice job getting to 8 months clean as well previously, Im sure you will again and beyond.
Thank you for your encouragement, Zippy. I'm hoping my emerging from Flatline occurs as quickly as you're projecting. I'm on day forty-something myself and I've been experiencing night time and morning time woodies for the last several days. Encouraging sign indeed.
