ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Just got off a marathon session of facebook cruising, went through over a hundred profiles of ts individuals, searching for a particular escort I acted out with ovevr 10 years ago, found several others that I had acted out with along the way. Definitely obsessive behaviour. The whole time, I'm telling myself that I at least I'm not acting out with an escort in real life, just sitting there getting myself highly stimulated and triggered. The levels of anxiety are high, scared that someone might walk behind me and see what I'm doing (sitting at work in open plan).The whole time, I'm thinking about how I'm gonna stop anytime soon, while at the same time thinking I'll never get over my "need" to be stimulated by ts and related imagery. My sexual fantasy was "warped" at a very young age, and by the time I was 16 had escalated. This week I was thinking about how many escorts I have slept with in my life. Even though I haven't done so in my marriage, or since 2013, I have recently found one online that I have been obsessing about, the "perfect one", the one I am happy to close the door on this chapter forever. But, just as I finish that thought, I have a thought that this one that I have identified (actually bumped into "her" at the pharmacy a year or so ago), will be over quickly, not the exact type I can abuse and trap for hours and overnight. Then I think about going to a "sex" club to find someone I can take to a hotel or something so that I can really get this urge out of my system, most probably with alcohol and drugs (haven't done these since end of 2013/beginning of 2014 either). Then I just resign myself to looking at P and cruising profiles. Then the thought that this is actually killing me, slowly. The time I spend online looking at profiles is taking away from my work and even distracting me from being there for my family. I am distressed to find that my wife and I are more distant than ever, I am paranoid that she is angry at me, the lack of intimacy is worrying. I am saddened that my son might be afraid of me and my daughter is receiving some of the negative energy that I might be transmitting. I think about my parents, how they must be still worried about me. I look at my career and wonder how much further I might be were I clean, even if it is slightly further ahead, it would make the world of difference. I have tenacity in me, this much I know. I have the will power to remove myself from this activity, but I know it will be hard, very hard. I have the strength to change my life, control my thoughts and emotions. Last night I looked at P on my phone while my wife sat not too far away. This is a horrific world that draws me in, the worst part is that while I go down the rabbit hole, I feel powerless to stop, especially when I seemingly have no responsibilities or appointments, or free time, or I am alone. I know I need to come up with a more comprehensive plan for such times, to easily move to a place where I can work or relax without the easy access to digital devices and more specifically to P. These are things I have been told many times. But I am distracted by the thoughts of the countless pressures in my life, the social pressure, professional pressure, financial pressure, and pressure from my community responsibilities. The truth is I haven't come up with a definite plan to deal with stress and pressure. I haven't let go of the need to be caught up in it all. I suppose the culture we live in encourages constant frantic behaviour. I need to go back to meditation, which will remind me more often to yield and relax, to quieten the mind and be still.
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Good post Zeebawn. Thanks for sharing.
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Gil. Haven't used P or MO since 04 Nov. The two usually go hand in hand. I've dealt with much shame around how I treat my partner. Yesterday we kind of bridge a divide after some tension. Been stressed about work and studies, as well as my karate club, my coach tends to put pressure on me to attend meetings and gatherings, but I have so much on my plate. Most of all, I feel a bit uncomfortable being around him, he has a weird sense of humour that kind of makes me . I know he doesn't mean harm, but I feel a bit disrespected by it and feel like it undermines me in front of others. Plus I sort of feel like I'm an outsider in the club and hardly have anything to say, especially when he's around. I gain a lot from the club in terms of fitness, health and self defence. But I tend to keep him in particular at an arm's length. It doesn't help that I've struggled with drugs and P all the way through being at the club, and I feel indebted to the club for helping through my recovery.
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Still clean since 04 Nov. Now trying to be more mindful and exercise inner peace. I have a lot of year-end functions coming up, a really busy week ahead at work and awaiting exam results, worried about one module, but what can I do about it.. Praying that the examiner is kind towards me.

    I have been meditating, which is helping and I am striving to work harder, more diligently and more responsibly. One day at a time.
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Missed meditating for a couple of days, committing to return to it to help me be more efficient.
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Still haven't acted out since 04 Nov, but have acted out in anger, which has left me in a bad state. It is destructive in its own way, as I ruin trust between me and my family. Need to work of communicating better when I don't like something.
  7. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    07 Nov 02h52am, it's 64 days since 04 Nov when I last acted out. I just slipped up and did 4 PMO's. Praying that this is an isolated incident.
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Used P again last night, while my family was a few metres away. I feel shame, my daughter was playing right next to me.

    I feel fear, today is my first day back at work. I feel anger, felt disrespected by my wife a few times over the past few weeks. I was away from my laptop and wi-fi, thought it would be a great detox and a way to change my habits. As soon as I got back, took to surfing the web like crazy again.

    I'm glad I was able to go 64 days without P, really thought I had this beaten, became complacent and allowed myself to much time online, not enough healthy activities.

    Now, I sit at my desk at work trying to be productive. A huge fear is that my "brain fog" will cost me in my job and in my relationship. Praying for stability and health.
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Almost 10 days since last accessing P, it feels like just yesterday.

    I binged hard for a period of three days between 11 and 13 Jan, horrible. I went on escort sites and P sites, unrestrained M.

    Since stopping P I have been sitting on youtube watching endless videos, now at a point where I need to fight this... yet again.

    This is sin't the first time I'm vowing to cut down my usage. I'm not trying to quit. My main aim is to have total control over what I consume and how much of it I consume.

    I won't go into too much detail about home life, it's constantly changing with a new challenge every day. I'm just thankful that we are healthy and pray for continued health.

    I am looking to find a way of being more productive and focused on my goals, to do the things I set out to do. If not, to be conscious enough to just lie down and rest.

    On days when I just binge on videos, I feel like a prisoner. I don't necessarily want to go outdoors, which is often the only way I can escape being caught down the rabbit hole. I just want to be able to sit in my home without having to switch on the computer.

    But there is just so much entertainment out there that I have promised myself I would watch.

    I just need to remind myself that it is not so important that I would need to watch it at that very instant. In fact, if I have something of real value to do, I'm not thinking "hey, I need to go and watch this particular video"..

    It's more of powerlessness, as soon as I have access and time, I relent. Which is what I am seeking to gain control over.
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Almost relapsed last night, went onto Facebook and ended up on the page of a person who I was prone to act out with, then clicked on several profiles of similar people, I won't bore you with the details of what make these people related to my inner circle of acting. What I can say is that these people share characteristics of the P that I watched and the escorts that I ended up frequenting and the people I would stalk in sex clubs.
    The power of this fetish seems so strong that even when I think of the potential impact on my career, my family and myself, in terms of relapsing on drugs and alcohol, I still find it hard to pull myself away. I slept at 1am this morning, doing an assignment, didn't act out, thank God.
    Have a job interview today, my main motivation is for career progression and more money so that I can help our family to move into a bigger house and so that we can have more space. All that triggers some fear in me, but I realise I need to do as much research as possible, if any change is to take place, and I need to discuss with a lot of people to get some input about it and the potential implications. We would need to monitor and see how successful such a change would be, including the change of more responsibilities and a new workplace.
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Still clean. I think I put too much pressure on myself to reach this huge goal, which is to have 6 months, a year, 50 years clean from P. I'm trying to figure out how to bring just a bit more peace into my life today, just a bit more manageability, a bit more freedom from the the things that trap me, like mobile games, social media, my anger, my fears, and especially what other people do. For instance, during staff meetings I hear people celebrating their successes and it's hard not want to crawl under a rock, because I convince myself I'm not good enough. I mean, there was a female colleague who was away for maternity leave for 5 months and then she spoke a couple of times about work stuff and got three rounds of applause. She was able to articulate the achievements of her team very well, but at the time, it felt like her achievements, although she has only really been back in the office for a week and for half days at that. Not to knock her and her team, but to just share how neurotic my addicted thinking can be, finding any morsel of shame for myself in other people's joy and success, forgetting to recognise my own achievements and success. It shows up in how I raise my boy, I will focus on the negative things he does, completely ignore his positives, and in fact resent his achievements, sometimes badmouthing is positive attributes. I will force him to do things I think he should be doing, things that I do, and disregard his passions. This is what was done to me as a child, I was raised on corporal punishment, there was a lot of tension at home, and what bordered on physical and emotional abuse. As men, it seems we are not equipped to deal with emotions and love in a healthy way, and the world tries to force us to adopt the emotional language of women. We need to develop our own emotional language, as we currently don't really have one and even counselling for men is actually designed for women, I think. I might be wrong, as I haven't actually done a lot of counselling.
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    This addiction is destructive is so many way. Still "clean" today, but really struggle to make myself do the things that keep me clean, especially when I feel stressed. I know that I should listen to a 12 step share, it always helps me and empowers me in recovery and gives me fresh perspective about life in general. But, given the opportunity, I will rather look at humor and play mobile games than do the thing that grounds me. I managed to do it this Sunday and I must say, it has kept me strong this whole week. Even when I drove past a strip which is frequented by streetwalkers in my town, I didn't stumble, although I felt a bit of the old familiar rush. Today, I will strive to do the right thing.
    TrueSelf likes this.
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Struggling, tempted, feeling weak..
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Made it through the weekend without acting out, but I was deep in anger and resentment, I was filled with rage and sought vengeance at every opportunity. I am seeking retribution and live in fear of everything crumbling around me.

    Also, I got caught up in reading one article after another about child abuse and it sent me into deep negativity and fear. I worried myself into a very toxic state, depressed about the state of the world, and looking at my own capacity for abuse, as well as hypersensitive to anything my wife or nanny did that I felt might be red flags for abuse.
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Marriage on the rocks, struggling to manage everything in the house. But family is here and offering great support. Praying for recovery, to finally get over my addiction to P and to heal our marriage.
  16. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Been going through major personal challenges in my life, and sad to say these challenges have overwhelmed me to the point that I have relapsed on P and have neglected my studies, and sleeping badly. I can't go into detail as this relates to someone else's struggle, someone very close to me, but this affects me and my kids directly. I have responded in anger, and in acting out with P.
    I am grateful that I haven't escalated to escorts or alcohol or drugs, although I have thought about it plenty. I can only thank my Higher Power for this reprieve. I have made a renewed decision to eliminate P from my life and to focus on sleeping well and do my best to keep up to date with my studies.
    I recognise the fears I have about financial security, my career prospects into the future, the stability of my own emotional states, the health of my marriage and the well-being of my kids.
    I pray that I may have the strength to make it through this time with new lessons and wisdom. I recognise the fear of never beating this addiction, but I can only try again to read recovery material, limit my screen time and spend more time with family and friends, and healthy time with self.

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