ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Made it through the weekend without acting out, but I was deep in anger and resentment, I was filled with rage and sought vengeance at every opportunity. I am seeking retribution and live in fear of everything crumbling around me.

    Also, I got caught up in reading one article after another about child abuse and it sent me into deep negativity and fear. I worried myself into a very toxic state, depressed about the state of the world, and looking at my own capacity for abuse, as well as hypersensitive to anything my wife or nanny did that I felt might be red flags for abuse.
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Marriage on the rocks, struggling to manage everything in the house. But family is here and offering great support. Praying for recovery, to finally get over my addiction to P and to heal our marriage.
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Been going through major personal challenges in my life, and sad to say these challenges have overwhelmed me to the point that I have relapsed on P and have neglected my studies, and sleeping badly. I can't go into detail as this relates to someone else's struggle, someone very close to me, but this affects me and my kids directly. I have responded in anger, and in acting out with P.
    I am grateful that I haven't escalated to escorts or alcohol or drugs, although I have thought about it plenty. I can only thank my Higher Power for this reprieve. I have made a renewed decision to eliminate P from my life and to focus on sleeping well and do my best to keep up to date with my studies.
    I recognise the fears I have about financial security, my career prospects into the future, the stability of my own emotional states, the health of my marriage and the well-being of my kids.
    I pray that I may have the strength to make it through this time with new lessons and wisdom. I recognise the fear of never beating this addiction, but I can only try again to read recovery material, limit my screen time and spend more time with family and friends, and healthy time with self.
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Been allowing myself to use P almost daily for the past few weeks, and also allowing myself to be distracted and consumed by social media. Been hurting my relationship with my wife, and I am struggling to get to sleep on time.
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear that man. Any motivation to change things up? Was there any particular cause to get back into P?
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Great feeling to come back to this forum after 5 days and not have to reset my counter, so I am grateful about that. A couple of things in my life are stressing me a bit, but working on them one day at a time.

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