ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Just got off a marathon session of facebook cruising, went through over a hundred profiles of ts individuals, searching for a particular escort I acted out with ovevr 10 years ago, found several others that I had acted out with along the way. Definitely obsessive behaviour. The whole time, I'm telling myself that I at least I'm not acting out with an escort in real life, just sitting there getting myself highly stimulated and triggered. The levels of anxiety are high, scared that someone might walk behind me and see what I'm doing (sitting at work in open plan).The whole time, I'm thinking about how I'm gonna stop anytime soon, while at the same time thinking I'll never get over my "need" to be stimulated by ts and related imagery. My sexual fantasy was "warped" at a very young age, and by the time I was 16 had escalated. This week I was thinking about how many escorts I have slept with in my life. Even though I haven't done so in my marriage, or since 2013, I have recently found one online that I have been obsessing about, the "perfect one", the one I am happy to close the door on this chapter forever. But, just as I finish that thought, I have a thought that this one that I have identified (actually bumped into "her" at the pharmacy a year or so ago), will be over quickly, not the exact type I can abuse and trap for hours and overnight. Then I think about going to a "sex" club to find someone I can take to a hotel or something so that I can really get this urge out of my system, most probably with alcohol and drugs (haven't done these since end of 2013/beginning of 2014 either). Then I just resign myself to looking at P and cruising profiles. Then the thought that this is actually killing me, slowly. The time I spend online looking at profiles is taking away from my work and even distracting me from being there for my family. I am distressed to find that my wife and I are more distant than ever, I am paranoid that she is angry at me, the lack of intimacy is worrying. I am saddened that my son might be afraid of me and my daughter is receiving some of the negative energy that I might be transmitting. I think about my parents, how they must be still worried about me. I look at my career and wonder how much further I might be were I clean, even if it is slightly further ahead, it would make the world of difference. I have tenacity in me, this much I know. I have the will power to remove myself from this activity, but I know it will be hard, very hard. I have the strength to change my life, control my thoughts and emotions. Last night I looked at P on my phone while my wife sat not too far away. This is a horrific world that draws me in, the worst part is that while I go down the rabbit hole, I feel powerless to stop, especially when I seemingly have no responsibilities or appointments, or free time, or I am alone. I know I need to come up with a more comprehensive plan for such times, to easily move to a place where I can work or relax without the easy access to digital devices and more specifically to P. These are things I have been told many times. But I am distracted by the thoughts of the countless pressures in my life, the social pressure, professional pressure, financial pressure, and pressure from my community responsibilities. The truth is I haven't come up with a definite plan to deal with stress and pressure. I haven't let go of the need to be caught up in it all. I suppose the culture we live in encourages constant frantic behaviour. I need to go back to meditation, which will remind me more often to yield and relax, to quieten the mind and be still.
     
  2. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Good post Zeebawn. Thanks for sharing.
     
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Gil. Haven't used P or MO since 04 Nov. The two usually go hand in hand. I've dealt with much shame around how I treat my partner. Yesterday we kind of bridge a divide after some tension. Been stressed about work and studies, as well as my karate club, my coach tends to put pressure on me to attend meetings and gatherings, but I have so much on my plate. Most of all, I feel a bit uncomfortable being around him, he has a weird sense of humour that kind of makes me . I know he doesn't mean harm, but I feel a bit disrespected by it and feel like it undermines me in front of others. Plus I sort of feel like I'm an outsider in the club and hardly have anything to say, especially when he's around. I gain a lot from the club in terms of fitness, health and self defence. But I tend to keep him in particular at an arm's length. It doesn't help that I've struggled with drugs and P all the way through being at the club, and I feel indebted to the club for helping through my recovery.
     
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Still clean since 04 Nov. Now trying to be more mindful and exercise inner peace. I have a lot of year-end functions coming up, a really busy week ahead at work and awaiting exam results, worried about one module, but what can I do about it.. Praying that the examiner is kind towards me.

    I have been meditating, which is helping and I am striving to work harder, more diligently and more responsibly. One day at a time.
     
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Missed meditating for a couple of days, committing to return to it to help me be more efficient.
     

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