ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Sometimes those cloudy phases are necessary! If you struggle to think of healthy activities, maybe just sit with that feeling, and see what arises, and if nothing does, that’s ok too. All addictions suppress emotions, but it is those very emotions that reveal our true needs, so give your feelings time to start communicating to you again, and I am sure you will figure out what you want :)
     
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Been stressed by work, exams, home life and recently been quite ill. The cold weather is hard to manage as well and I've been allowing it to distract me. To be honest, even in warm weather I can find something to distract me. One day at a time, striving to be the best, but importantly aim to be kinder to myself. Take things one step at a time.
     
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Been heading towards a bit of depression as well as paranoia. Won't go into much detail, but I'm basically saddened by the thought that I have such well-established patterns that I will never be able to overcome them, like social media and P, but also the habit of procrastination and not being structured in my goal-setting and development of my career and personal development. The latest "slip" sapped my confidence as it always does, but a part of me feels that P gives me some twisted sense of stability. Like, when months go by without it, I start to itch and feel naked, my true flaws become exposed as I am unable to blame them on P anymore and must admit that I have to do additional work and can't just rely on the fact that I am "clean/sober" to fix my issues. It's also just the simple fact that P is so exhilarating and stimulating, and it gives me a respite from the challenges I face in my life, the mundane and exhausting, the boring and challenging, the regular and difficult task of just living. I try to distract myself by watching anime and listening to music, but then the very strong itch comes as I sit looking at my phone. I wonder if there is a key reducing situations where I will have that itch. I might have to take some time to install some serious filters on my devices, particularly my cell phone and then my laptop.
     
  4. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hey Zee,

    I was watching a video recently from AA, and the guy said that when you're a real addict, like we are, we actually get worse when we are sober because actually have to then live with ourselves and all of our defects. He says something funny about not believing how all the people in the meeting were sober and happy, which seemed impossible to him.

    You can overcome these defects. You just need to put in the work. The same guy also said that the 12 steps don't work for the people who need them, nor the people who want them, just the people who do them. This is a lesson that's been hard learned for me recently.

    I was at a meeting last night and there was a guy who is just about to complete his step 12 in time for his first child being born: a new life just in time for a new life. It was really inspiring to me! We can change. It is possible.

    Here's that video I was talking about:

     
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  5. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I can really relate only that I get those itches every week and not every month :confused:
     
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  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks guys, so true (re: 12 steps). I definitely haven't been working my programme recently, and I can often see myself acting out. It's like a very quick flash that passes in an instant, but just that instant carries all the steps, the rituals, the physical sensations, the movements of my hands etc.. As if some invisible force is groping me. This urge is actually an unwanted intrusion that "feels" like it is touching me. It can linger or pass in a flash, but afterwards, I feel violated, like how someone might feel after being sexually assaulted. That is the power of this addiction in my life. Then, when I am alone in my house and I know I'll be alone for a few hours, I feel so trapped, like I'm being held hostage by my demons.

    I know the only way to overcome this is to do the work, attend meetings, call someone in the groups, post here, journal in my hard copy book, listen some of these shares online (can't deny the fact I'll be online and there is a wealth of recovery material online), or just go out for a walk. It's a constant struggle, and I can so easily trick myself into a relapse. Still haven't put on the filters, I feel ashamed at times that I need to put on filters on my computers, like some bad kid who needs to be monitored, or a prisoner with a home arrest ankle bracelet. But I realise that the next time I relapse I'll regret not having put installed the software.
     
  7. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    My first day at work, glad to be on the roll to recovery again, had a good meeting on Monday. No pressing deadlines at work today, spent time on social media today, and got mini-anxiety every time my colleague walked behind me as I rushed to close the tab and it froze up. This is a bit worrying as I have found myself looking at bikini shots. Not proud but here it is in its full "glory", my lustful nature exposed and the many levels of shame that come with it. I would rather be looking at things diligently that enhance my mind each day so I am a better professional and better able to take care of myself in this world.

    I came to a realisation, that even if I relapse tomorrow or later today or even right now, every bit of effort towards my recovery isn't wasted at all. As I continue on the path of recovery, I realise that I will progressively improve my life and enhance my connection to God.
     
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Maybe I'm overly hard on myself, but I decided to reset my counter after cruising fb profiles of people in the sex trade, particularly those in my particular fetish. While strictly not p, there was a huge amount if arousal and obsession, as well as unmanageability as this was at work and bled over to when I was home for an amount of time I am not comfortable with. While I am super grateful that it did not escalate too much (a few minutes ago searched a profile of an escort I once visited some years back), I realise I still have major issues and need to review my programme, rather revive my programme. I need to get in touch with my sponsor and write in my journal and go back to using the step tools. Praying for strength and seeking wisdom in the right ways of thinking and seeing the world. I need to read more, spend less time on social media and spend more time outdoors. Still, I am very grateful with life as things are at the moment, still struggling with feelings of inadequacy and envy, feeling I could have done more with my life, feeling I can do more with my days today. Feeling like I should be behaving in a certain which I'm not. Today, I'm going to remind myself that I have done the best, and to enjoy life, and to accept myself.
     
  9. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    That's some good honesty and accountability with the reset :)
     
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks HPMOF, today is a bit better, less time on social media, just that work is piling up..
     
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Counter broken, so will count my days manually.

    I spent hours last night "edging", which was scary for a host of reasons. It was different kind of scary compared to actually going all the way. I spent hours watching P and convincing myself I was alright because I didn't M at all. Usually edging means to M without O. I just used the P part.

    This is scary because of the incredible amount of time that went by so quickly and my inability to get to bed.

    Also, my mind was so elaborate in planning out how I would be acting out and with whom and what I would drink or take and who I would have to lie to and where I would drive to and so on. This was so much more active than the actually P. I spent a considerable amount of time on escort sites, taking mental notes.\

    This made me realise how much addiction is a mental and spiritual disease, as in dis-ease, which is the lack of ease and comfort as the literature states.

    Leading up to the episode, I cancelled an SAA meeting, I had spent hours at work daily, for weeks at a time, watching unproductive content, mostly humour and entertainment content, as well as social media, increasingly profiles of people who represented my particular fetish, some people I had actually acted out with in real life.

    Then, there was a bunch of stress in life and at work (resentments), and not putting in filters on my devices, and also not doing enough recovery work. Just a bunch of things that were happening, and things I wasn't doing to stay in a healthy space.

    I'm seeing my sponsor on Friday, hope I can get him to help me with a filter and password to lock my phone away from certain distractions.
     
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    So, this is day one.. I'm fine with it.
     
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Day 4,

    Been trying to connect with my group, had a full week of training, will hit the gym hard tomorrow and Sunday. Want to keep my energy levels up. Gonna try fit a filter on my computer and update later about that. Will also do the same to my phone.
     
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Back to square one, just went through a mini-binge of videos on Youtube, highly stimulating, very specific to my "inner circle" and my fetish, hours and hours. I've spent many evenings in between this daily ritual, over the past year looking at hardcore P, just looking without touching, thinking I am "sober". Not true, I am swimming in lust. My new goal is not just to avoid PMO, but to cleanse myself of lust, to grow in my relationship with God.
     
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Still clean, but been facing huge challenges in my marriage, not even a year old and already teetering on the brink. Praying for strength in this time..
     
  16. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Struggling with a bit of Internet addiction, distracting me and eating up time I could be using for more important things. The compulsion to surf the web is such that it makes me consider cancelling healthy activities such as training and makes me less enthusiastic about meeting friends. It makes me afraid to tackle my work in a timely fashion and I often just leave things to the last minute. I feel some anxiety when I have a tight deadline and can't surf the web, but ironically when I am in such situations I am healthier and feel more productive.
     
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I find myself secretly rejoicing when I hear that someone has relapsed on P or M or both or even escorts, or alcohol and drugs. It's a survival mechanism I've adopted to defend my own faults and shortfalls. For instance, if someone I perceive as more skilled/successful/happy than me fails at a job at work, or they go through a personal challenge, I will secretly rejoice because it elevates me. It makes me feel that I am better, especially when I am experiencing some form of success or progress in life. It's not even that I want to be the best I can be, I just don't want to be worse than anyone. I would rather be mediocre, just as long as others don't surpass me. I've gotten so used to being lazy in certain parts of my life that I would rather wish harm on others than change and improve. I would rather curse and poison some rather than release my distractions and be excellent in my own work/ personal endeavors and as a human being. It's something I just notice now, and it worries me. It's definitely not healthy, and my recovery cannot be sustainable if my thinking continues like this.

    I'm praying for peace in my heart, for acceptance of my place in the stream of life, for patience and discipline in my work, for endurance and fortitude to do my best, so that if someone does better, my first response isn't envy but to wish them well and strive to meet them along the journey of success.
     
  18. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    I do a similar thing, you aren’t the only one! I try to catch myself doing it, trying to train myself to be happy for others’ successes and appreciate we are all different, and not just secretly delight in their setbacks in order to make myself feel better! It reminds me of a Bob Dylan lyric:

    Bent out of shape from society's pliers,
    Cares not to come up any higher,
    But rather get you down in the hole that he's in.”


    We need to learn to absorb the strength and positives of others. I notice I enjoy the company of social anxious people who are are as stuck as me, since the ones actually changing their lives scare me and I sometimes feel like a failure. It’s all about attitude and mindset, I’ve noticed this from most positive guys on these boards, it’s not always what they are doing but how they are going about doing it.

    Maybe with envy, allow yourself to feel it intensely for 10 minutes, then say thank you and let it go. Remember you are not these things, and you are right to identify them as a defence mechanism. You are lucky for recognising this!
     
  19. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Yeah man, at this stage, all I can do is look at the feeling, feel it and pray for strength to let it go. I spent about an hour this morning on Instagram, then was able to break away to do some of my morning readings. An hour! It felt like nothing, but that's a whole hour, a huge portion of my work day. I shudder when I think of how I would spend days on social media. I read a story about how the comedian Pete Davidson is quitting all social media because it's "an evil place". Wow! That is something else, real food for thought. Previously, I would have said Pete is losing his marbles, but as I look at it more, I realise that social media, while it can be helpful in connecting with family and friends, can suck up so much time. Back to working now. Either that, or I take a walk and get fresh air..
     
  20. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Starting again, acted out last night, just before midnight.
     

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