ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks for stopping by man. I've been off this forum since last year. My last day at work was 14 Dec, just got back in after a very lazy holiday. Apart from our baby, it was quite relaxing indeed. I've been off Facebook, or at least haven't had time to really be on it, I took the time to just watch series. After much cajoling from friends and colleagues I finally got to watch Game of Thrones, watched it from the first episode and was blown away. There were scenes of nudity and potential triggers, but the story was so captivating that I didn't even consider using porn. Whether it's healthy to binge-watch series is open to debate, especially as it places me right in front of a screen for extended periods. But I haven't relapsed and funnily enough only saw the counter now, so almost 30 days I suppose. Being back at work feels quite good, I'm actually eager to begin working and developing my career. Being with a crying baby every day was a bit heavy, especially as we were at my parents' house. It was great to have their support during this time, but I'm super happy to be back in my own space. It looks like we've just moved in, with piles of stuff everywhere, but feels so much more spacious with just me and my wife and the baby, and not having to answer to a bunch of other people, one is enough! (wife, I suppose two with a crying baby.. ;) )
    Another reason I'm glad to be back at my place is that we don't have wi-fi, so I'm forced to read, which is so much more rewarding. After GoT, I was so used to being at my laptop, I was beginning to just surf videos and watch whatever I could find, started some other series, but they weren't as good and I couldn't get into them especially with only a few days left of my holiday. I must admit, I was at risk of relapsing during that time. But I must say, I have been quite repulsed y the thought of porn, although I did go into some questionable videos on YouTube. I'm grateful for work and a place to find some measure of purpose. Even the people who I had problems with towards the end of last year aren't as horrible as I had painted them in my mind, if I can admit it to myself. I must be honest and realise that my negative feelings to people (in general) was fueled by my most recent relapse and feelings of hopelessness. 2017 was an improvement from 2016, but there were still too many relapses into porn for my liking. I mean, I still remember my last few times acting out on PMO and it was quite a desperate time for me, emotionally. While it did not match some of the binges I indulged in over the past two years, not by a long shot, the recent episodes were more jarring to me in that I acted out while my while slept nearby with my baby, the shame there is enormous.I know she was worried that I might have been acting out while I was watching series, which adds more to the shame. But, thankfully I didn't act out.
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Feeling withdrawal from late nights and watching videos on my laptop for about three weeks straight. But they are getting better.

    Just dealing with negative thoughts about people in my life, extended family etc.. how people have been a bit nasty towards me and my wife.

    Procrastinating at work, which creates anxiety.

    Recalling a video about intimacy in marriage. The lady said we don't have to wait for desire to arise before engaging in intimacy, but intimacy, once initiated, creates desire.

    I think it's the same with work, we don't have to feel absolutely positive and refreshed before getting down to a difficult task, but doing it can provide a sense of accomplishment and ease, reducing stress. Procrastination only adds to my stress.
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I actually once gave this advice to one of my best friends because sex with his wife was not very frequent and he was very happy with the result.

    Even though it sounds strange, even if you plan sex and just start doing it, you'll get horny from just doing it.
    ZeeBawn likes this.
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Yeah, still struggled with social media, but I'm starting to hand over my will in this area, and praying at each step to improve.

    I didn't act out this weekend, thankfully. Met with my sponsor after many years of being disconnected. He was really cool about it and we managed to make progress. I had some really good revelations and realised that life can be tough at times, but we must have faith in our Higher Power.

    Of course there are things I wish for and things that I'm afraid about. But today, life is really good, like amazing!

    I had a few misunderstandings with people in my life, but I am thankfully able to see that we all struggle and need forgiveness and patience.
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Almost slipped on porn at work, clicked away. Been dealing with some fears around work and family, as well as some other organisations I'm a member of, along with my step work.

    I'm blessed to be clean today.

    I registered for a course that will require that I have Internet access. Praying for guidance these coming weeks in order to come up with some good systems for managing my life. Foremost, praying for strength in staying sober and clean.
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Good day today, woke up a bit earlier than usual.

    Wasted a bit more time on social media than I intended but did more productive reading earlier.

    While I was the first to arrive in the office today, I asked myself if I contribute the most in my company or am I more of a passenger? Do I do courageous things?

    I know the more I stay clear of porn, the better my thinking will be, if only for the lower levels of shame in my mind and body.
    TheScriabin and Thebeg like this.
  7. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Spent time on Friday looking at profiles that I absolutely had no business looking at from a recovery point of view (I won't go into details, but my Mr Hyde addict was in full swing). I marvel that I didn't go onto escort sites or full on porn.

    Anyway, I managed to stay away, and today did some budgeting. As I look at everything I need to pay for and buy, I shiver, always searching for more income. But I am grateful for what I have and pray for strength to perform much better in my job and not allow myself to be lost in the world of social media.
    Thebeg likes this.
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Had a great weekend, but spent too much time online watching funny YouTube videos. I have a reached a point where I realise that this mindless entertainment doesn't do me any good, in terms of work, studies or family life. I made a re-commitment to begin my meditation practice once again. It helped and I woke up a bit earlier today.

    I had some serious anxiety yesterday and resentment towards some colleagues concerning some work they want from me. Working through this, one resentment at a time, striving to find the silver lining, how these challenges can grow me. It helps to things from a more empowering perspective, although I have wrack my brain sometimes to find a workable perspective that doesn't seem inauthentic to me. However, the step work helps to get somewhere.

    Thanksful for family today, for life and for a job that allows me to grow in many different areas.
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thankful to have reached this milestone. The gifts of sobriety come so slowly and gradually, so we can fully appreciate them, but can be lost instantly, so we can appreciate the devastating nature of our addiction. I'm praying today for strength to get my work done with a diligent mind and joyful heart. Praying for everyone who struggles with any form of addiction.

    I am feel pressure financially and having some disputes with my partner, some of which comes from finances and work stress. I'm also praying for my marriage to be healed and for my wife to be strengthened and guided in this difficult time, praying for my kids to be protected and nurtured.
    Thebeg likes this.
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    For the first time the other day I caught a glimpse of the "flow" state, which is working non-stop without interruption or distraction for an extended period of time. Granted, I was under deadline but it felt different, more natural. Thankful for this gift of recovery.
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Good SAA meeting last night. I didn't have the euphoric feeling of some meetings but it was quite sobering indeed to hear some of the guys speak. It is devastating what this addiction does to us. While booze and its consequences are instantly clear, with this one they are not apparent in the moment. We can hide it from our loved ones and even from ourselves. We can convince ourselves that a little bit every week isn't so bad, or 15 minutes a day or whatever. But it's like a very slow poison that sneaks up on us. We wake up one day and find that all the colour has drained from the world, we find that we are terrified to speak to people, we just want to go home on Fridays and re-emerged into the world on Monday, grudgingly. I feel fortunate to have one more clean day, but triggers continue to hit me. Thankfully, I have used triggers to remind me to go somewhere else, like a video of recovery on youtube. I've also started to look at moments of weakness to social media as triggers and try my best to go to recovery material or something that will add value to my life. Meditation is consistent and I am much more sensitive, emotionally and physically. I just need to make some time to see my sponsor as I'm still a bit touchy with certain people in my work environment. I still have the fear of being insignificant, the fear of not being good enough and the fear of being disrespected plaguing me. I often tune out my work surroundings because I have a bit of resistance towards the people I work with. I am also facing the fear of being criticised and the fear of failure. The truth is that these fears are due to the conditioned feeling of using other people to feel: respected, good enough, worthy, significant, respectful, etc.. In truth, it is only God gives me these things. I pray that I can get just a little bit closer to God. I pray that just a little bit more can be revealed to me about what God wants for me in my life. As I've shared before, I'm also dealing with fears around money and my career. I also pray to God in this area, for wisdom in terms of how I should react to my own laziness and confusion. I pray to God to help me develop the correct habits. I have a strong will power, but I know now that I need to surrender so much more of myself to God. I am incredibly grateful for my work, my family and my health. Hope you guys are well today and stay strong in recovery!
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Feeling somewhat anxious today, some heavy expenses looming. Had some issues with my car, but it was easily fixed. Now have to do major renovations at my apartment which look like they'll cost quite a bit and I might have to dip into my savings.

    Been stressed by studies and some personal things. Applied for a great looking job in the past week, but no feedback. Things at my current job are quite good, but I feel like I should be getting more money. I'm in a bit of a professional crisis where I wonder how relevant I will be inthe next 10 years or 20 years or 30 years etc.. I see life becoming more expensive and my energy levels dying out out until retirement. I see myself poor and destitute. My pride tells me I should be higher up in the totem pole, commanding more people, rather than being the one commanded by others. It makes it so hard to be grateful when I have so much debt to deal with. I don't want to leave debt for my children. I want them to go to the best schools and enjoy the best of life. I also want to take care of myself and spend on the things I want to enjoy. I don't want deny either myself or my kids. Praying now for guidance and for some luck in my career. Praying for peace of mind, wisdom, focus, creativity, confidence and good fortune.
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Struggling with social media, procrastinating quite a bit on my work assignments and my studies, started having car trouble again. This week has been quite crazy and I need to take everything one step at a time.
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Really happy to pass the 90-day mark. I can definitely feel a difference in myself compared to the days of relapsing after two weeks here, 25 days there, another two weeks, in a constant cycle. I think the last time I had anything longer than two months was in 2014, so I am really grateful. I think having a baby gave me some motivation, but I know from past experience that that is not something I should rely on completely and need to strengthen my recovery.

    An area of my life that I really want to address is that of staying focused in my work and also staying off social media, which I'm making strides in, but I have days where I can't seem to pull myself away. The days of me spending entire days on social are now becoming rare, unlike in the early days of this particular "streak" when I just didn't feel alive unless I was on social media all the time. Now, the zest for life is returning and I am even starting to find pleasure in my work, rather than feeling like I'm under a severe weight, when all I would rather be doing is be viewing P or trawling social media looking for suggestive content, thinking about escort sites, looking for escorts/porn stars/etc.. on social media.

    I am not yet as good as I'd like to be in terms of my positive routines, like reading daily and training daily, but I feel like being sober is making whatever efforts I am able to put in much more meaningful. Even the down-times and time spent with family, friends and colleagues feels more meaningful. Another "side-effect" is that my voice quality is improving as anxiety slowly recedes and I am a bit more confident in my interactions with people. I always knew that this is one of the benefits of rebooting, but only starting to see it come to fruition now, I was quite bleek during the second month when I found myself still struggling to find my voice, frustrated that I might never be confident enough to achieve anything of value.

    At the end of the day, I'm not just rebooting to avoid negative consequences. I'm also recovering so that I can go after my dreams more effectively, be a better influence in my profession, be a better dad, a better husband, a better human being and bring a better energy to the world. It's so hard to see this when we're in so much pain, the worst pain is being so numb that we don't even realise we are struggling with life.

    Praying for small victories, praying to get closer to my Higher Power, praying that I may continue on this path of recovery. Praying for everyone struggling, everyone suffering, everyone lost, everyone confused, everyone frustrated, everyone in pain. I pray that you may find a way to peace, a way to something better and no longer have to suffer through the same endless cycle of pain.
    cjm, Fry2 and Thebeg like this.
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    It's crazy how a moment of stimulation can drive a person to put everything on the line. I almost went and PMO'd tonight. I went on Twitter and typed in some search terms I had no business doing, with my wife and kids in the house. I did it on a work computer, with all sorts of system management software installed. I tried to stick to foreign language profiles and started looking through what I had convinced myself was harmless "art" which then escalated to me looking at "video music-type" images and then in a few minutes I was looking at images of my deepest inner circle content, which ts p. I don't know if should reset, but through the whole thing I realised that I might need to reset, just so I don't try to justify in my mind what I did, so I wouldn't try to escape the fact that I did boost my dopamine levels, that I did act out. I call it middle inner circle behaviour. I could have een caught. I can still be caught in the coming weeks.
  16. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Sorry guys, I relapsed..
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Fell again
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    No need to apologise. Just get back up, all you have to do.
    Living likes this.
  19. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hey Zee, I can really relate to you getting sucked into the social media hole. Twitter is a borderline activity for me and a dangerous one so I try to stay away.

    Progress not perfection: 90 days is an amazing achievement and it's so easy to slip around there (I previously relapsed hard at 88 days). Give some thought to powerlessness and acceptance and see what comes back :)
  20. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks guys, just got sucked into social media again this morning (cruising fb profiles), thankfully I was out during the weekend so I didn't act out on P. One day at a time right now, focus on my studies and my family, need to get back into training this week, I missed it completely last week. I give myself credit though, haven't use escorts of drugs or alcohol in over four years now, which were the worst of the worst of my behaviours that really brought me to my knees. Still, looking at P, and crusing escort sites and fb profiles was scary in that I could imagine the thrill of getting a hooker, or hooking up with a local tranny from fb while drinking or using coke. I've been quite stressed lately with everything in my life, and I often feel like I need an escape, which the P was. Thankfully, I haven't suffered from ED, as the sex with my partner is still very good and I perform just fine. So, it's not even about sex, just escapism. I play a musical instrument, I exercise, I go hiking, I read, write and have a full family life. I think I just need a better connection with people, especially people in recovery. I also fell into the delusion that my recovery was my doing, but I realise that it is a gift. Thanks for pointing out the 90 day trap, I have completely forgotten about that, I will remember it going forward. Onwards..

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