ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Really happy to pass the 90-day mark. I can definitely feel a difference in myself compared to the days of relapsing after two weeks here, 25 days there, another two weeks, in a constant cycle. I think the last time I had anything longer than two months was in 2014, so I am really grateful. I think having a baby gave me some motivation, but I know from past experience that that is not something I should rely on completely and need to strengthen my recovery.

    An area of my life that I really want to address is that of staying focused in my work and also staying off social media, which I'm making strides in, but I have days where I can't seem to pull myself away. The days of me spending entire days on social are now becoming rare, unlike in the early days of this particular "streak" when I just didn't feel alive unless I was on social media all the time. Now, the zest for life is returning and I am even starting to find pleasure in my work, rather than feeling like I'm under a severe weight, when all I would rather be doing is be viewing P or trawling social media looking for suggestive content, thinking about escort sites, looking for escorts/porn stars/etc.. on social media.

    I am not yet as good as I'd like to be in terms of my positive routines, like reading daily and training daily, but I feel like being sober is making whatever efforts I am able to put in much more meaningful. Even the down-times and time spent with family, friends and colleagues feels more meaningful. Another "side-effect" is that my voice quality is improving as anxiety slowly recedes and I am a bit more confident in my interactions with people. I always knew that this is one of the benefits of rebooting, but only starting to see it come to fruition now, I was quite bleek during the second month when I found myself still struggling to find my voice, frustrated that I might never be confident enough to achieve anything of value.

    At the end of the day, I'm not just rebooting to avoid negative consequences. I'm also recovering so that I can go after my dreams more effectively, be a better influence in my profession, be a better dad, a better husband, a better human being and bring a better energy to the world. It's so hard to see this when we're in so much pain, the worst pain is being so numb that we don't even realise we are struggling with life.

    Praying for small victories, praying to get closer to my Higher Power, praying that I may continue on this path of recovery. Praying for everyone struggling, everyone suffering, everyone lost, everyone confused, everyone frustrated, everyone in pain. I pray that you may find a way to peace, a way to something better and no longer have to suffer through the same endless cycle of pain.
     
    cjm, Fry2 and Thebeg like this.
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    It's crazy how a moment of stimulation can drive a person to put everything on the line. I almost went and PMO'd tonight. I went on Twitter and typed in some search terms I had no business doing, with my wife and kids in the house. I did it on a work computer, with all sorts of system management software installed. I tried to stick to foreign language profiles and started looking through what I had convinced myself was harmless "art" which then escalated to me looking at "video music-type" images and then in a few minutes I was looking at images of my deepest inner circle content, which ts p. I don't know if should reset, but through the whole thing I realised that I might need to reset, just so I don't try to justify in my mind what I did, so I wouldn't try to escape the fact that I did boost my dopamine levels, that I did act out. I call it middle inner circle behaviour. I could have een caught. I can still be caught in the coming weeks.
     
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Sorry guys, I relapsed..
     
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Fell again
     
  5. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    No need to apologise. Just get back up, all you have to do.
     
    Living likes this.
  6. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hey Zee, I can really relate to you getting sucked into the social media hole. Twitter is a borderline activity for me and a dangerous one so I try to stay away.

    Progress not perfection: 90 days is an amazing achievement and it's so easy to slip around there (I previously relapsed hard at 88 days). Give some thought to powerlessness and acceptance and see what comes back :)
     
  7. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks guys, just got sucked into social media again this morning (cruising fb profiles), thankfully I was out during the weekend so I didn't act out on P. One day at a time right now, focus on my studies and my family, need to get back into training this week, I missed it completely last week. I give myself credit though, haven't use escorts of drugs or alcohol in over four years now, which were the worst of the worst of my behaviours that really brought me to my knees. Still, looking at P, and crusing escort sites and fb profiles was scary in that I could imagine the thrill of getting a hooker, or hooking up with a local tranny from fb while drinking or using coke. I've been quite stressed lately with everything in my life, and I often feel like I need an escape, which the P was. Thankfully, I haven't suffered from ED, as the sex with my partner is still very good and I perform just fine. So, it's not even about sex, just escapism. I play a musical instrument, I exercise, I go hiking, I read, write and have a full family life. I think I just need a better connection with people, especially people in recovery. I also fell into the delusion that my recovery was my doing, but I realise that it is a gift. Thanks for pointing out the 90 day trap, I have completely forgotten about that, I will remember it going forward. Onwards..
     
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Same here. To me PMO is not about sex anymore at all, it has just become an escape. I think the best way to deal with this (and I still struggle with this too) is trying to face the things you escape. To me that's the fear of failure, criticism, boredom, loneliness and a whole list of other things. When I experience feelings like that (and 'luckily' that happens a lot) I try to let these things be, maybe talk about it or write them down every now and them, but not escape from them. And in that way cruising facebook profiles, checking your favorite newssite if the world has collapsed since you last watched five minutes ago or checking your emails or apps again is escaping too. Maybe even going to this site and typing long posts and making yourself believe you only do this to help others (which I'm doing right now). So that's really something too watch out for. I believe that if you watch porn as an escape and you replace porn with another escape you still practice the same behaviour and therefore the chance of getting back to porn is a lot bigger than if you would learn a way of accepting the things you escape from.
     
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  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Wow, really interesting take. I'll try this, thanks. Yeah, I've basically just given in to cruising facebook profiles this week, while keeping my timer ticking. I've actually come here to reset it and recommit to not using facebook and youtube as well. Thanks, your words give me strength.
     
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I think one of the worst things about relapsing is the presence of doubt. Like, I can second guess myself and wonder if the difficulties I'm experiencing are normal or the result of me relapsing, it's like a nagging feeling that things could have gotten better had I just stuck through the tough times without turning to p..
     
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Found myself looking at a woman's body this morning. Struggled to wake up, and in bed I could feel myself resisting the work that was waiting for me at work, but in the bathroom I made a firm decision that I would do my work and finish it before my first meeting of the day. I am glad to report that I have made some good progress on these tasks, but not finished. I keep getting tempted to go on facebook and other social media. I am actually considering asking my boss to cut off my social media access. The guilt of having relapsed last week is slowly fading. The fear of repercussions is still there but fading slowly. I need to reach out more.
     
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I've always struggled with procrastination, from childhood, right into my adult years. I believe it is one of the things that fuels my stress, depression and addiction. It leads to inability to finish tasks I set out for myself and I never really get to experience success.

    Today, I decided to leave my earphones at home and not bring the to work. This, so that I would not be tempted to watch videos all day. It feels like a trigger to even sit of facebook all day as well.

    My goal is to at least get started with some of the assignments I have waiting for me.

    These are really superficial steps, but vital ones, to start to make conscious changes in my outer behaviour. I will also need to dig deep into my inner motivations, emotions and pain, so I don't seek the escapism that has become such a dear friend.

    I spoke to my sponsor and we've been quite busy with our lives. I couldn't make Friday and he couldn't make Saturday. I hope he doesn't feel spurned.

    I'm thankful for being clean today, for recovery and being able to write on here. 11 days feels good as I am starting to settle in my brain a bit. Praying for small progress, hope I can make it to my meeting tonight, goodness knows I need it.
     
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Just realised I have an assignment for tonight and another one for Wednesday, should submit both but my referencing is horrible, hope they don't cut too many marks..
     
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Didn't this counter say 20 days yesterday. Well, I suppose it's based on a different Time Zone. I'm in a decent emotional space, got a call about some extra freelance work that might be coming in, just submitted one of my last assignments, only have one more and a final portfolio. I still owe come money on my student account and been spending on some work at my house. I feel the need to save more and secure a future for my family.
    I haven't been to a meeting in a long time, which I sometimes worry about. But the time out of the house is a bit of a luxury for me at the moment.
    I managed to attend church on Sunday, which was great and my relationship is in a good space.
     
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    As long as you are aware of the progress you made yourself, what the counter says doesn't really matter:) Good to see that in general you are doing well, especially your relationship being in a good space, because that can make a huge difference on your life. About the need to save more: that's defenitly important, but perhaps this is also something that we are becoming more aware of around our age.
     
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  16. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Indeed, but with two kids, it seems expenses just keep coming. I feel blessed though that I can take care of my family. My being prudent with finances is very important in any economic climate, good or bad.

    Today, I expected a very difficult meeting to take place, which was moved so a bit of relief. But the ultimate goal is to build up inner resilience so that I can go through difficult situations with strength and wisdom. Thankful to God's presence in my life.
     
    Living likes this.
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Been struggling with my work, both my "day job" as well as my personal project. Lingering paranoia about my social media usage at work, whether it's being picked up and how much will reflect in the quality of my work, stuck on one particular assignment today, really struggling to find motivation to work through it although the deadline is today.
    Been facing some anxiety around my child's education and if I will be able to take my kid's through the education they deserve. I look at how I squandered the opportunities my parents gave me, sending me to the best schools and only to be strung out on drugs, booze, P and hookers. So much shame sitting in my heart, but I can't dwell on it too much, as I need to continue to not only provide for them but also to be there for them every day.
    I pray for my financial situation to improve so that I can save and provide better for my family. I was wondering today if I got a much better paying job, would I buy a more expensive car. Is that what people do, when they pay you a certain salary, they expect you to purchase a certain level of car? I would like to believe that I would keep my current car and just fix it up a bit more, and save for my children's education and upbringing.
    Anyway, will focus on this project and hope it is good enough for the client..
     
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Sure, having a big load of cash in the bank helps with providing for your children, but the basis of providing is not about money. It's in the way you raise them and learn them to deal with life. Your sentence 'I look at how I squandered the opportunities my parents gave me, sending me to the best schools and only to be strung out on drugs, booze, P and hookers' reminds of something I read recently. I have been interested in fixed and growth mindsets and decided to read 'Mindset' by Carol Dweck. While the book will never become one of my favorites, the theory behind it is really interesting. Anyway, she wrote about parents that are really focussed on grades and their kids going to the best schools and the effect this had on children. And what this tends to do is it puts a child in a fixed mindset and that often leads to children/teens/grown-ups that will avoid challenges because they become afraid of failure. I'm not saying your parents did wrong by sending you to the best schools, but sometimes parents with very good intentions focus on the wrong things and by doing so having a very negative impact on a big part of their children's lives. I'm not saying that the negative things in your life are your parents fault, but perhaps it's not all your fault either. This ofcourse is a summary of the theory, there's more behind it:)

    Another reason why I bring up this book, is that while you might not be able to send your children to the best schools, you can influence your childrens learning by giving them the right emotional support. Some of the stories in 'Mindset' are 'Renaissance man'-like stories where with the right support kids that were considered to have no potential at all were turned into kids with all the potential in the world, because there was someone that made them see that they have potential and that they have to work to reach that potential. Ofcourse it would be ideal if your children have a growth-minded teacher, but as a parent you can also have a big influence of that. A good student isn't a good student because he is sent to the best school, a good student is a good students because he studies well.
     
    cjm likes this.
  19. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hello mate, if you have it, an entry in Answers in the Heart within the past few days spoke about the difference between shame and guilt. Guilt can help you move forwards, shame keeps you stuck in your addiction. You should be able to find it online if you don't have a hard copy.

    Your post made me think of it.

    Stay serene :)
     
  20. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks guys, falling is not fun, but I've made peace with it, striving to be wiser in how I move in the world.
     

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