ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Yeah man, we're in the same boat, but in order to recover, we must look within. Not easy, and definitely more painful, initially.. but imagine the pain of continuing to resist the truth of how we have shown up in the world as "addicts".. The only way through this is to be kind to ourselves, even if we relapse, be kind to others even if we feel offended, and continue to do the inner work of growing spiritually and emotionally..
    Thebeg and TheScriabin like this.
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Slipped, so I reset. Continue to fin more pleasure in it than the pain of the consequences, internally and externally in my various relationships with others and myself. My fear is acting out with another person, which would place a monumental burden on my shoulders to redeem my life, I would truly be back to square one, even though I am voluntarily taking myself back there before the thought because so strong that I eventually do it. Technology and the ability to stalk someone online is so much easier now than when I acted out with another person. In 2013 when I acted out with another person, I was still on blackberry and whatsapp was still in its infancy. Facebook wasn't as advanced as what it is today. I used SMS and called more than most things. Now, almost everything is online. So, if I act out with another person, the threat of being found out is so much higher. But also, the damage to my relationship, either from my wife being repulsed by me, or by my betraying her, I might subconsciously sabotage our relationship, finding it so much harder to relate to her, and finding it easier to just bail out. There are many hidden dangers in allowing a moment of pleasure to escalate into increasingly dangerous behaviour. I used to defend my sexual behaviour, that it was just sex and not violence. But I realise that apart from being lustful and profane, fornication according to my faith, it has the potential create so much pain in myself and others. Firstly, using sex to numb myself against the ordinary ups and downs of life is risky in that it dulls my instincts and ability to navigate life effectively, it is a place to hide and avoid the vital stimulation of very real responsibilities that I must attend to. Also, when I have sex, I am creating a bond with someone else, which when I break immediately afterwards risk creating resentment in that person, even if that person is an escort and I've paid them. You never know what people's true intentions are out there, especially when they are strangers. Some people are highly unstable and can set you up in many different ways. But the insanity of this particular disease is such that I know these things, but I am will to take the risk it all for a few moments of pleasure. I might convince myself that I am being careful, taking certain measures, that it's actually quite normal and that I deserve to "let off some steam". I might even project into the future, after I've done the deep, to how I plan to redeem myself and cover my tracks, not realising that the consequences might hound me mercilessly until I surrender once again, forced to watch as one thing after another in my life crumbles as I scramble from crisis to the next, lost in the rubble of my own self-destruction. It might not even be that bad, but a slow burning inside as I am lulled into a false sense of security, allowing myself day after day to "just do one more" until I need to take the edge off with alcohol and maybe "a little bid of weed" or maybe "just one bag" of cocaine. Maybe no one would, at first, confront me, or show that they are concerned with me, maybe as I look at myself in the morning each day, I would not see what they see - someone whose spirit is slowly draining from them. My paranoia would go to new heights, feeding into the cycle of addiction. I dont' plan my recovery enough, and when I do I don't stick to some of the things I set out to do, for instance going out for a walk, or meditating etc. But my life is quite hectic at the moment, and it seems I can't sit still without someone wanting something from me, then I have to get up and do something. The addict in me would justify my acting out buy saying that I just need a break, just need to get out of the house. Recently, I have been having a lot of group suggestions on fb, groups that are very closely linked to my fetish. I suspect it is partly because I recently binge on my pc, maybe even my phone, because AI links everything now. Now I am faced with the most triggering content every time I log onto fb. Also, I went onto an escort site and the escort that I found the most triggering has reappeared in my town. I take these things as signs that maybe I should buy an hour with the escort. That is my addict mind. Last night while watching a series, a scene came on which triggered me to think of a very foul sexual act that I engaged in some years ago and to go on fb to look for the person I acted out with. There are a lot of people I've acted out with who are not escorts, and I like with a lingering fear that these people will track me down and expose my sexual tastes which my wife is not aware of. Even though I haven't acted out with another person in almost 4 years, I often feel like, because I still get triggered and relapse and even think about acting out with a person, I am sending out a message out into the universe, like a spiritual of telepathic magnetic pulse to these people to think about me as well, to try find me, to look into my life as I sometimes stalk them online. It's a bit paranoid but I know that if I can succeed in trully transforming my life, I will be stronger when faced with such an occurrence, and the fact that my life will not resonate with my old ways, there will be less likelihood of being pursued by such persons. My energy will "vibrate" at a totally different frequency and not "send messages" out into the ether. My energy will attract different experiences into my life, and while I will remember the experiences that have caused me confusion and pain, I will look at them different, they will not trigger me as much, if at all and I will develop greater compassion for myself and the people who I acted out with, and even for the people who continue to suffer in the sex trade, the escorts and the porn performers, people who might have been abused or trafficked. But now, I realise I still have a long way to go, I have a lot of work to do, not just in willing myself not to act out, but also in terms of dealing with my fears and learning how to manage my day-to-day life in a way that empowers and refreshes me, in a way that brings revelation rather than confusion. My aim is to grow spiritually so that I can not only succeed in the things I engage in, but that I can feel better, relate to people better and contribute more to the world. My short-term goal is to cut the cycle, to change my internal state so that I am moving towards recovery, that I see the seduction of my addictive for what it is, a thin illusion that masks desperation and panic. I am grateful to be clean today, one day at a time. I am thankful for my family and my job, money in my account. I pray for wisdom in taking care of myself and the people in my life.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Did you ever discuss sex in your family when you were a child? What were your parent's attitudes? Did you have anybody to talk to about your feelings whilest growing up, a brother, a best bud, male cousin, or your dad? Just curious. You are not acting out because you are a sexual deviant or anything, but because there is some emotional connection you get from it that you don't appear to be able to get from other relationships. People who weren't hugged, cuddled and reassured enough as children become more starved emotionally, and are more vulnerable to forming addictions and dependencies (including codependencies). Sex is an obvious one, but the problem is we end up associating all forms of human touch with sexuality, often because we didn't feel comfortable hugging our parents for some reason. It is a healthy transition that teenagers, (perhaps especially boys as they separate from their mothers), go through, eg, not wanting to kiss mum goodnight anymore, but it should only be a phase. If the fear lasts, then we struggle because we are still 'stuck' in the transitional period, our emotions having frozen at the time. Interestingly many gay men are stuck in this phase, often reporting having a particularly strong bond with their mother rather than their father, but the apparent 'strong' bond is often because it is fundamentally weak under the surface, a codependency, because it was the mother's needs being met (her need to receive love and approval) rather than the child's. I have gay male friends who hate touch, they just want 'some cock' as they like to me!! There is something too intimate about touch that they find uncomfortable.'

    Acting out' is a way to get a feeling we were denied, because we are still suffering. All addicts were neglected children, in some way. So the problem is never the child, it is always the parent, who is emotionally blocked, and as children we react to this, learning to fear rather than trust.

    Have you read Cupid's Poisoned Arrow?

    Edit: I'm just editing this in several hours later, as writing about 'gay men' makes me sound a tad judgemental, and I didn't mean that at all. I have many gay friends and we talk about this stuff a lot, that's where I was drawing my conclusions from. I always like learning from people's life stories and experiences, as it offers tremendous insight into their current concerns or problems.

    Also, I hope you didn't find my post obtrusive ZeeBawn. I genuinely am interested to listen.
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2017
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Scriabin, you have some good points. I had a very unpleasant relationship with my father growing up. Now, it is much better, but often difficult. He has always struggled with intimacy and affection in general, but particularly to me. I see that my acting out, especially in my particular fetish, might have been contributed to by this strained relationship. After reading all the content about hocd, I realise my particular fetish is mostly porn-induced, as I was always looking for something more and more extreme. My old man also having kept a collection of tapes and magazines when I was a kid, this was my first exposure to porn. Also, because I craved his love and affection, and him not giving it to me, in some sick way I felt by stealing his porn I would somehow bond with him. Every boy, on a subconscious level wants to be like their father or at least to be loved by their father. Because he was so distant, I wanted to know what was so appealing about porn and porn, these things that kept him from being completely available to us. I see myself doing the same things to my son, which terrifies me, perpetuating the cycle of addiction. He spends all his time on television and on his tablet, just like me as a kid. Can't be healthy.
    Last night I cruised more facebook profiles and eventually went on image search for porn. I didn't m, but I felt locked in the cycle.
    By the way, definitely not obtrusive.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Thanks for replying! Your post is touching as it is familiar. It's such a clear example of how the sufferings of parents, as well as the mechanisms for coping with them, continues in their offspring, Your father's relationship to his porn may have kept him emotionally distant from you, but perhaps more crucially it will have kept him emotionally distant from your mother. You would have sensed the prickly bond between them like a hawk, and a role would have been unconsciously ascribed to you to keep the peace in some way, since it was in your interests to do this to keep the family happy. I'm not being pseudo-Freudian and over-analyticsl here, it's simply what kids do. They'd do anything to keep the happiness and love between their parents. But naturally, they pay a price for something that is not in their control, or indeed their responsibilty, and the price is often the loss of their true self. Children are, in my opinion, totally moulded by the quality of the bond between their mother and father.

    My own father was physically distant, he was never around, and unsurprisingly I have spent my entire life doing anything and everything to get closer to him. My personality and career choices, as well as personal problems, often mirror his to a frightening degree. I once had a heart to heart with my dad and shared some very dark and difficult stuff, and he said he had the same problems. My dad was bi-sexual and is also attracted to young males, and he used to look at me in ways that made me feel extremely uncomfortable, especially when I was around 12 and 13.

    Wanting to get close to your dad by looking at his porn is natural, not sick! Also there is a natural curiosity their, but you were also unwittingly entering into your dad's emotional world.

    Despite all this, you are not your father. You are writing your own story, forging your own destiny, and influencing that of your son, therefore it is of the uttmost importance that you continue on this jounrey of growth. I don't have kids of my own, but I can imagine it must be difficult these days with all the tablets and things. But if your son sees you getting passionate and falling in love with life (porn is not about life, it's about death really, totally symbolic and virtual), then he will naturally copy you and become the same. So, lots of father-son time in the great outdoors is called for perhaps?! Fishing etc, or whatever you like to do together? You need to fall in love with yourself, that is what will save your son.
    Last edited: Dec 12, 2017
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Wow man, that is so powerful, I am moved to tears. Yes, a lot of what you say is true. Except, I didn't want the peace between my folks. Not only was he distant, he was violent, physically, and worse, emotionally - with his words. I saw how he hurt my mother and hated him, wanted them to get divorced, even fantasized him dying, thought of poisoning the entire family, glad I didn't. Unfortunately my brother committed suicide when he was young and I wasn't too much older, still a teen. Turned to drugs, hookers and all sorts of insanity, to the extreme, to near-death. I am so blessed today with a loving family a good career and on the road to recovery.
    I still struggle with my free time, would rather spend it on my computer watching series and movies, which puts me in danger of acting out. I'll consider your suggestions very strongly and plan out some outdoor activities with my son and my nephew, fall in love with life once again. This will surely bring me peace, or at least nurture a growing sense of peace within. I have forgiven my father, but I see he still struggles with his own demons and I sympathize with his pain. Although our relationship is not as close as what I imagine is possible (or healthy) between a father and a son, I am willing to be helpful and serve him in anyway I can, listen to him and be with him. Except, when he has been drinking, I stay away from him, except that is the only time he is warm and able to speak openly. My thinking is that he should be able to be open with me when sober, and that I don't want to enable his self-destruction. Or his being drunk triggers pain for me, as a recovering alcoholic and with memories of some hurtful things he's done under the influence. My heart is with you my friend, and pray that you and your father can also find some kind of redemption for your relationship. It is becoming clear that we addicts use harmful behaviors to deal with some very painful events in our pasts. I will surely look for healthier ways of doing so.
    TheScriabin likes this.
  7. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Hi Zeebawn, just stopped by to suggest to get off Facebook and social media for a while.
    Cheers Fry
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks for stopping by man. I've been off this forum since last year. My last day at work was 14 Dec, just got back in after a very lazy holiday. Apart from our baby, it was quite relaxing indeed. I've been off Facebook, or at least haven't had time to really be on it, I took the time to just watch series. After much cajoling from friends and colleagues I finally got to watch Game of Thrones, watched it from the first episode and was blown away. There were scenes of nudity and potential triggers, but the story was so captivating that I didn't even consider using porn. Whether it's healthy to binge-watch series is open to debate, especially as it places me right in front of a screen for extended periods. But I haven't relapsed and funnily enough only saw the counter now, so almost 30 days I suppose. Being back at work feels quite good, I'm actually eager to begin working and developing my career. Being with a crying baby every day was a bit heavy, especially as we were at my parents' house. It was great to have their support during this time, but I'm super happy to be back in my own space. It looks like we've just moved in, with piles of stuff everywhere, but feels so much more spacious with just me and my wife and the baby, and not having to answer to a bunch of other people, one is enough! (wife, I suppose two with a crying baby.. ;) )
    Another reason I'm glad to be back at my place is that we don't have wi-fi, so I'm forced to read, which is so much more rewarding. After GoT, I was so used to being at my laptop, I was beginning to just surf videos and watch whatever I could find, started some other series, but they weren't as good and I couldn't get into them especially with only a few days left of my holiday. I must admit, I was at risk of relapsing during that time. But I must say, I have been quite repulsed y the thought of porn, although I did go into some questionable videos on YouTube. I'm grateful for work and a place to find some measure of purpose. Even the people who I had problems with towards the end of last year aren't as horrible as I had painted them in my mind, if I can admit it to myself. I must be honest and realise that my negative feelings to people (in general) was fueled by my most recent relapse and feelings of hopelessness. 2017 was an improvement from 2016, but there were still too many relapses into porn for my liking. I mean, I still remember my last few times acting out on PMO and it was quite a desperate time for me, emotionally. While it did not match some of the binges I indulged in over the past two years, not by a long shot, the recent episodes were more jarring to me in that I acted out while my while slept nearby with my baby, the shame there is enormous.I know she was worried that I might have been acting out while I was watching series, which adds more to the shame. But, thankfully I didn't act out.
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Feeling withdrawal from late nights and watching videos on my laptop for about three weeks straight. But they are getting better.

    Just dealing with negative thoughts about people in my life, extended family etc.. how people have been a bit nasty towards me and my wife.

    Procrastinating at work, which creates anxiety.

    Recalling a video about intimacy in marriage. The lady said we don't have to wait for desire to arise before engaging in intimacy, but intimacy, once initiated, creates desire.

    I think it's the same with work, we don't have to feel absolutely positive and refreshed before getting down to a difficult task, but doing it can provide a sense of accomplishment and ease, reducing stress. Procrastination only adds to my stress.
  10. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    I actually once gave this advice to one of my best friends because sex with his wife was not very frequent and he was very happy with the result.

    Even though it sounds strange, even if you plan sex and just start doing it, you'll get horny from just doing it.
    ZeeBawn likes this.
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Yeah, still struggled with social media, but I'm starting to hand over my will in this area, and praying at each step to improve.

    I didn't act out this weekend, thankfully. Met with my sponsor after many years of being disconnected. He was really cool about it and we managed to make progress. I had some really good revelations and realised that life can be tough at times, but we must have faith in our Higher Power.

    Of course there are things I wish for and things that I'm afraid about. But today, life is really good, like amazing!

    I had a few misunderstandings with people in my life, but I am thankfully able to see that we all struggle and need forgiveness and patience.
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Almost slipped on porn at work, clicked away. Been dealing with some fears around work and family, as well as some other organisations I'm a member of, along with my step work.

    I'm blessed to be clean today.

    I registered for a course that will require that I have Internet access. Praying for guidance these coming weeks in order to come up with some good systems for managing my life. Foremost, praying for strength in staying sober and clean.
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Good day today, woke up a bit earlier than usual.

    Wasted a bit more time on social media than I intended but did more productive reading earlier.

    While I was the first to arrive in the office today, I asked myself if I contribute the most in my company or am I more of a passenger? Do I do courageous things?

    I know the more I stay clear of porn, the better my thinking will be, if only for the lower levels of shame in my mind and body.
    TheScriabin and Thebeg like this.
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Spent time on Friday looking at profiles that I absolutely had no business looking at from a recovery point of view (I won't go into details, but my Mr Hyde addict was in full swing). I marvel that I didn't go onto escort sites or full on porn.

    Anyway, I managed to stay away, and today did some budgeting. As I look at everything I need to pay for and buy, I shiver, always searching for more income. But I am grateful for what I have and pray for strength to perform much better in my job and not allow myself to be lost in the world of social media.
    Thebeg likes this.
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Had a great weekend, but spent too much time online watching funny YouTube videos. I have a reached a point where I realise that this mindless entertainment doesn't do me any good, in terms of work, studies or family life. I made a re-commitment to begin my meditation practice once again. It helped and I woke up a bit earlier today.

    I had some serious anxiety yesterday and resentment towards some colleagues concerning some work they want from me. Working through this, one resentment at a time, striving to find the silver lining, how these challenges can grow me. It helps to things from a more empowering perspective, although I have wrack my brain sometimes to find a workable perspective that doesn't seem inauthentic to me. However, the step work helps to get somewhere.

    Thanksful for family today, for life and for a job that allows me to grow in many different areas.
  16. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thankful to have reached this milestone. The gifts of sobriety come so slowly and gradually, so we can fully appreciate them, but can be lost instantly, so we can appreciate the devastating nature of our addiction. I'm praying today for strength to get my work done with a diligent mind and joyful heart. Praying for everyone who struggles with any form of addiction.

    I am feel pressure financially and having some disputes with my partner, some of which comes from finances and work stress. I'm also praying for my marriage to be healed and for my wife to be strengthened and guided in this difficult time, praying for my kids to be protected and nurtured.
    Thebeg likes this.
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    For the first time the other day I caught a glimpse of the "flow" state, which is working non-stop without interruption or distraction for an extended period of time. Granted, I was under deadline but it felt different, more natural. Thankful for this gift of recovery.
  18. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Good SAA meeting last night. I didn't have the euphoric feeling of some meetings but it was quite sobering indeed to hear some of the guys speak. It is devastating what this addiction does to us. While booze and its consequences are instantly clear, with this one they are not apparent in the moment. We can hide it from our loved ones and even from ourselves. We can convince ourselves that a little bit every week isn't so bad, or 15 minutes a day or whatever. But it's like a very slow poison that sneaks up on us. We wake up one day and find that all the colour has drained from the world, we find that we are terrified to speak to people, we just want to go home on Fridays and re-emerged into the world on Monday, grudgingly. I feel fortunate to have one more clean day, but triggers continue to hit me. Thankfully, I have used triggers to remind me to go somewhere else, like a video of recovery on youtube. I've also started to look at moments of weakness to social media as triggers and try my best to go to recovery material or something that will add value to my life. Meditation is consistent and I am much more sensitive, emotionally and physically. I just need to make some time to see my sponsor as I'm still a bit touchy with certain people in my work environment. I still have the fear of being insignificant, the fear of not being good enough and the fear of being disrespected plaguing me. I often tune out my work surroundings because I have a bit of resistance towards the people I work with. I am also facing the fear of being criticised and the fear of failure. The truth is that these fears are due to the conditioned feeling of using other people to feel: respected, good enough, worthy, significant, respectful, etc.. In truth, it is only God gives me these things. I pray that I can get just a little bit closer to God. I pray that just a little bit more can be revealed to me about what God wants for me in my life. As I've shared before, I'm also dealing with fears around money and my career. I also pray to God in this area, for wisdom in terms of how I should react to my own laziness and confusion. I pray to God to help me develop the correct habits. I have a strong will power, but I know now that I need to surrender so much more of myself to God. I am incredibly grateful for my work, my family and my health. Hope you guys are well today and stay strong in recovery!
  19. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Feeling somewhat anxious today, some heavy expenses looming. Had some issues with my car, but it was easily fixed. Now have to do major renovations at my apartment which look like they'll cost quite a bit and I might have to dip into my savings.

    Been stressed by studies and some personal things. Applied for a great looking job in the past week, but no feedback. Things at my current job are quite good, but I feel like I should be getting more money. I'm in a bit of a professional crisis where I wonder how relevant I will be inthe next 10 years or 20 years or 30 years etc.. I see life becoming more expensive and my energy levels dying out out until retirement. I see myself poor and destitute. My pride tells me I should be higher up in the totem pole, commanding more people, rather than being the one commanded by others. It makes it so hard to be grateful when I have so much debt to deal with. I don't want to leave debt for my children. I want them to go to the best schools and enjoy the best of life. I also want to take care of myself and spend on the things I want to enjoy. I don't want deny either myself or my kids. Praying now for guidance and for some luck in my career. Praying for peace of mind, wisdom, focus, creativity, confidence and good fortune.
  20. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Struggling with social media, procrastinating quite a bit on my work assignments and my studies, started having car trouble again. This week has been quite crazy and I need to take everything one step at a time.

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