ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Still facing feelings of anxiety and fear, some anger and depression over the past few weeks, especially after I had bad fight with my cousin. Back at work after 10 days, got triggered a bit, clicked on a mainstream media story with a person who is part of my personal fetish and started searching names. I clicked away, but now realise I should journal and reflect in my real life book. I will also see about attending my SAA meeting.
     
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  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I decided to reset my counter. After yesterday's online trigger at work in the morning, I went to my folk's place and went onto their wi-fi to check some maps so I could get back to my place. Then something told me to search a dating site geared towards my fetish. Registration didn't work after several times, although I put in my email several times, risking getting caught if my wife went into my emails at some point. I then spent a long time on escort sites, visiting some repeatedly. I saw a couple of profiles with nudity before my phone died. I got home charged my phone and scanned a few more before deciding to get off and put my phone in my back, away from bed. I read some of a book I've just gotten into then wrote in my journal. The entries were about the countless fears in my life, which was quite revealing. I wrote out the people I'm praying for in my life. I suppose I should also pray for you guys here and for the guys out there who are still suffering in the grips of a full-blow sex addiction, whether they are aware of the various recovery tools or not. It's the insanity of the "disease" that pulls us away from our righteous spiritual outlet, the recovery programme and good people. We gravitate towards poisonous thoughts, words and actions, people who might not be good for us and then we wonder how we ended up in the bad part of town spending our last money on hookers and drugs. I've been there so many times I can't count. I might not be full-blown but I'm tired of being pulled back to porn and escorts again and again. I pray for recovery in all areas, spiritual, professional, relational, physical and otherwise. I pray for this world, that somehow a higher level of spiritual consciousness can take hold and spread in people's lives, so that porn and other ills no longer make sense in people's lives.
     
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    A bit better today, just focused on work, spent a bit of time on social media. One step at a time, one day at a time..
     
  4. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    This weekend was bad, cruised escort pages and facebook pages for hours.. not good at all..
     
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    So, I consider these activities the same as porn in the sense that they are obsessive and compulsive. I find myself wanting to just search and search and cruise and cruise. Hardly got aroused, but I suppose its the dopamine rush that had me going. It is dangerous because if I have a bad day, what's to say that one day I won't decide to allow myself to see a "massage therapist" or even have sex with an escort, then drink/take drugs and binge on porn, or just run away somewhere and disappear. I have to fight this with all I have, journal and be honest. I have to find a way to heal this part of my life and make sure that I not only get better, but learn something from it. I have to get past this, I have to move on with my life. There are so many awesome blessings in my life, I have to give the best of me to myself and my family. I have to clean out my energies, move my intentions in a godly direction and grow spiritually. Take carer guys, I don't know if I'll ever truly get over these temptations but I'll do my best, I'll try.
     
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    So, I spent entire day yesterday cruising Facebook profiles and Youtube videos at work, even did some borderline risky things in the searched. I went home to look at escort pages, and realised that if I didn't get out of the house I would end doing a full on PMO. I went to the gym and then my SAA meeting, ended up feeling so pumped for the week, clearer minded and gained so much peace. I am blessed with a wonderful family, and a great relationship that is built on fun and deep affection. I wouldn't want to jeopardise that, so I do what is in my power to do to recover. I pray for a productive day today, and for serenity. Be well guys.
     
  7. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Haven't gone on facebook to "cruise" profiles today. I did so for a bit last night when I got home but somehow found the strength to log off. I've been seeking some form of relief from the stress building up in my life. I had a dispute with my cousin, anticipating a difficult meeting with my boss, awaiting a major life event, which is positive but comes with a lot of my own fears. Plus I anticipate a major confrontation in my academic life, mostly imagined. I've started to recommit to my meditative practice and prayer, as well as ensuring that I am more committed to my work. It is really day one, and a part of me is doing it to win points for my upcoming meetinig with boss, but I'd like to think that I'm doing this for real, for long term sustainability and emotional stability.
     
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    A bad habit I've gotten into, which I didn't realise was opening the door for me to start "cruising" on fb, is to to go on people's pages and silently criticise their lives. For instance there is a fb friend who whenever I go through his pictures I will look at his friends, family and spew such hateful thoughts towards his choice of friends and lifestyle, that I am left feeling so small. I don't realise all this while I'm doing it, but for some reason I realised how poisonous the thoughts were. I started to imagine a conversation in my mind between him and myself where I confront him about his choices, and imagined him responding angrily by confronting me about my bitterness and envy. I am beginning to realise that despite its power to connect people, social media is probably 99% useless to advancing my life goals. I honestly can't remember the last time that it was absolutely essential for me to go on. I log on daily to see what's "the latest" out of the very real fear of missing out. I realise that I've almost given up on my goal of cutting out social media from my life, despite the huge amounts of time that it consumes and the very apparent negative impact it has on my life. It is painful to realise how many tentacles it has in my life, like it sucks the life out of me, bleeding me of energy, cold and uncaring about the destruction it could create in my life. It saddens me that I daily have to hide the things that are on my screen, most days I fear that someone will looks through my online logs and see the things I've been viewing and not only fire me, but first take me through a drawn-own hearing process. I often feel empty, not sure if I'll ever conquer these things that enslave me.
     
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I still struggle with the urge to type in "fa.." which I know will pop up the autosearch function for facebook. It is so compulsive and such an easy distraction to entertain, make me feel like I'm busy, make me feel like I'm learning some new information, which all it really does is help me to procrastinate. It's interesting to watch as I do it, how easily the brain slips down that path, like a shower drain where my attention will unconsciously and neatly swirl down into. It is such a conditioned response, where my brian knows it will find the easiest source of dopamine, a lucky packet of stimulation. Making a decision to wean myself from it is difficult because just a little bit of exposure to this content is enough to send me down the rabbit hole. I am here on this page to reflect, to rant to scream, not because I want to depress myself, but because I need a release for the tension. It hurts, it really really hurts. Change is definitely not easy. I know this is how I want to change my life, I want to have more healthy outlets and resting habits where I consciously put down my work to get a breather, where I have control and can approach life in a responsible way, where I can help myself to be relaxed while tackling the tasks in my life with a calm mindset. The challenge is that I've never done it before, I don't know if I'll like it, if it will be "fun" or whatever. Like, I don't know if it's possible because I've never done it. I don't if I have it in me to consistently have to remind myself to not log on, to not open up the app, to not do this or that thing that can lead me to a place where I am seeking escape using pixels to distract me, to help me forget. I don't know if it will become easier tomorrow, or the day after. I don't know if I will be able to endure what I see when my mind becomes clearer to see all the things in my life I am to be responsible for. I don't know if I will be able to accomplish the things I've left undone because of fear. I don't know if I can stand to look at the fears I have without reaching for the numbing effects of Facebook and Youtube, Instagram. I don't know what's next. The temptation to look to long at some Gogle images just now, caught me off-guard. I don't think it's healthy that when someone walks to my desk, I have to quickly shut off my browser or click to another tab, not healthy. But I'm trying to get better, to make small changes, some may feel huge, but they are gradual changes. The decision to completely quit social media may seem drastic to some, but it is causing me too much pain. It is no longer fun and interesting. Instead, it's starting to look like an addiction that is just hurting my life. Whatever happens, I have to quit this time sucking activity, if only so that I can breathe. It's exhausting, confusing and soul-numbing. I can honestly see it stealing my life away from me.
     
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    For the first time today, after about the 6th time in an hour of typing in the search term "fa..." I caught myself in the middle of the act. I didn't suddenly wake up and find myself on the login page with my face staring back at me. It is good progress for me. A few moments later, I caught myself in the emotional urge to go and search for fb in the browser. I've found that just clicking the Google button in itself is just as habitual as the facebook. To be fair, I have to use Google to do research for work, but to be honest, most of the time I click google, it has been to search for facebook or some other social media.
     
  11. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Hello mate. I deleted my Facebook a week ago, and I still catch myself typing "Fa..." into the address bar. Facebook is very well-designed to elicit this kind of behaviour. Look up behavioural design. There have been some good articles about it recently in the Guardian and the Economist. For example, https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/oct/05/smartphone-addiction-silicon-valley-dystopia

    The urge to check FB is depressing enough in my view, but it's even worse when you (you , me, us) can wank to it. It's preventing our recovery and it has to go. We need to be ruthless about this.

    Any reason you might have for keeping FB, knowing that you can act out on it, is just bullshitting yourself. My bullshit reasons were keeping in touch with old friends, making sure I caught local events, and really it was my primary communication tool. But I can and did wank to it so if I'm being honest with myself it had to go. What's more important?

    I'm thinking that eventually it might move to a middle circle behaviour, but for now it's an inner circle activity.
     
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  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I just had a very strong urge to binge on social media. It was frightening, the physical sensation that came with the thought of spending hours on Youtube looking at some content I had no idea about at the time, just knowing that it was free and endless, the thought of just aimlessly sitting and cruising facebook. My company is going away for a team building, but circumstances have conspired so that I must stay and finish some work as I will not be around on Monday or Tuesday and I have some work to complete by end of business of Monday. So, I will miss the team building and it looks like fun.
    But there will be a test in it for me, I will be left alone, either here in the office, or at home, also alone. Either I spend hours online or I do the work, finish it quickly and go do something more fulfilling in the real world, go to the gym, spend time with my son, take care of my partner, read for an hour or two, do some meditation, take a walk in the park, call a friend in recovery, call my mom, call my cousin, reach out to a buddy, take care of my house and myself. I will surely report back later.
    The feeling of intense anticipation of the opportunity to spend hours on social media was scary, so strong. If I am tempted, I'll come here and write and write..
     
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Hey bro, yeah I can completely relate about putting it in the inner circle. I think that is where it belongs for me too, you are right, we have to be uncompromising about this. And it's not about being hard on ourselves, it's about knowing our limits as addicts, and for me as someone who is also an alcoholic, I stay as far away from smokey pubs as possible. I stay away from strip joints and brothels.

    I was thinking about it last night on my way from the gym, that while some people can drink moderately without a problem, I can't. In the same way that some people can use social media without issues, I unfortunately cannot. Some may see this as extreme, but as you say, most people don't know what it's to spend five straight hours on Facebook flipping through countless pages of porn stars and wanking away. In the same way, most people don't know what it's like to black out on a regular basis and wake up with my clothes dirty and torn, because I got so drunk and out of control.

    I am starting to suspect that I'm kidding myself by thinking that one day I can be like "normal people" and use this highly addictive thing in a normal way. I'm just wired differently, most people say I have an addictive personality and it either serve me or hinder me. It serves me in that if I find something I like doing that is healthy and enriching I get stuck in, and get really good at it. But it hinders me in that when I find I enjoy that has the potential to harm me, like social media drugs and porn, I also get stuck and want to get REALLY good at it.

    This article you attached is so true, online media owners don't really care how "addicted" we become, neither do beverage company owners, or drug companies, or the casinos. The more we use, the better for them, forget about about what it does to our jobs, our relationships, our sense of inner peace.

    I'm sure I'll get over the anger, but for now I'm almost fuming. I suppose I'm mad at myself for being such a dupe in the first place. But I'm also optimistic that I've made the decision to completely remove social media and the real (or perceived) need to be on social media at all.

    Stay pushing the programme man, it is a journey and we all make mistakes along the way. But as long as we "fight the good fight" we are winning.
     
  14. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    That's one of the things that really clicked with me in the SAA literature, that once you accept you are helpless there are certain things you just can't do. It actually made things a lot simpler for me.

    The dumb thing is is that I realised that FB was bad for me at the beginning of the year, but it's taken me this long to actually be ready to do anything to not act out. It took a long time and an SAA meeting for me to stop bullshitting myself.

    I'm looking forward to the next meeting. I had planned to go on Monday but I cancelled some plans this weekend so I'll go tomorrow.
     
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks man, I totally relate to this. I knew fb, and social media was bad for me as long ago as 2015, but only now has the pain reached a level I am not willing to bear. You could say I've reached rock bottom, not just of my dependence on social media, but my laziness, a huge character defect.

    My goals as I've spelled them out for myself, have no room for laziness, and demand that I am dedicated and driven, to reach my dreams. The feeling of wasting a day is becoming more and more painful. So I am striving to make every day count, and not even allow the space to be tempted.

    I keep thinking, does the fact that my phone sometimes lies next to me at next as I sleep distract me. Will I be tempted today? Tomorrow? When will I be confident that I won't be tempted by this crazy addiction.

    Grateful for a clean day, a day without social media, connected with my cousin, my parents and nephews.. Praying for all on this forum to be at peace and be given wisdom to find a way to defeat the destruction of this disease.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
  16. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I think I'm coming down with a bit of a cold, sitting here with a few of my colleagues at a client's office for the whole day. A bit irritable about that, but feel great that I am still going strong in my journey of no social media. I might have looked at a couple of Youtube videos over the weekend, but nothing extended. Mostly logged on to do some work that I'm under deadline for. I'm in a period which is kind of uncertain, like I don't know where I sit with people in my life. A bit tense between me and my wife, but I put that down to her just being a bit unwell. Anyway, one day at a time, one moment at a time..
     
  17. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    I'm a huge procrastinator, too. Rock bottom is a great place to be with any bad habit. The only way is up :)

    I got rid of my smartphone as it was too much of a risk for me. Before I did that, I bought a KitchenSafe timelock safe that I intended to lock it up in during office hours and while I was in bed. In the end it came to a head before I had really used it.
     
  18. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks HPMOF, I think I'm hitting rock bottom at the moment, in terms of my emotional state. I've become absolutely dependent on social media to help me manage my emotions. I reached a point early last week when I couldn't do any work, I stayed on facebook for an entire day, even though my colleagues were knocking down my proverbial door about certain deadlines that I was missing. Now, I believe (in my mind) that in order to test me and trip me up, they are setting deadlines to impossible timelines, but I think a part of this is my own paranoia. Still, I have definitely not done my best and have allowed social media to truly take bigger chunks of my time. The extent to which it had started to dominate my life was incredible, now that I have create a bit of distance between myself and it. It feels like I'm lost in a new world, and struggling to find a grip to balance. Like, Neo spending his whole life in the matrix and being brought to life for the first time, unsteady on his feat, learning to use the muscles he's never used. I feel like I need to use the "muscles" of filling my time in better ways. I've been reading a lot more. I'm a third of the way through a novel, which is incredible as I haven't read a novel in about four years. While I made sure to read self-help and practical books, spending months on a single one, my social media use ate up so much of my time (and warped my ability to focus to the point) that I couldn't focus, or couldn't be patient enough to read a good novel. I'm sick with a cold, which is going away, thankfully I didn't use antibiotics, but I still managed to be productive this week, something that was never available to me, I would be completely out, as I could not muster up the ability to focus if I was ill. But without social media, I could spend a parcel of time on actual work and then rest well afterwards. I see positive results already, but I'm still a bit irritable and impatient, developing fresh resentments and dissatisfaction daily. Writing here helps, and I remain optimistic that I the inner tension is temporary. Not only am I giving up social media and all the triggers that come with it, but I am still fresh from the last time I acted out on PMO. I am still in withdrawal mode and can expect to feel some harsh symptoms for then next couple of months and even for the next year. I don't know if it will be "good enough" or worth the trouble of the pain, but I know for sure that I definitely DO NOT want to be using porn and social media. I know for sure that I do not want the consequences of these activities in the least bit. They are absolutely detrimental to my life and might even destroy everything that I hold dear to my heart. I will go through some tough times in the coming months, but I will do everything in my power to seek a way to stay off social media and porn for good.
     
  19. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    It's amazing how much time it frees up. I've been finding that without Facebook I have literally nothing better to do 9-5 than... my work. I still browse some news sites and forums for various hobbies, but they don't create the same urge to always check back and refresh. I used to smoke a lot of weed and I remember hearing or reading somewhere that weed makes you feel ok about sitting doing nothing, and I think FB etc. has the same effect. It's no wonder it can swallow up a whole day.

    There will be tough days ahead, but we've just got to take them one at a time.
     
  20. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I've been following your journal for quite a while as a silent reader Zeebawn and let me tell you I'm impressed by your dedication and determination you put into your recovery.

    Regarding social media I honestly believe it's an addictive plague with very little benefit for only a few. Most of us will experience a net negative impact if they take everything into account. My wife and I quit all social media two years ago and while it was really difficult in the beginning (fear of missing out, addictive checking of smartphone, fear of being lonely) our hobbies got healthier and our social circle increased in quality because we now really take the time for sharing the important stuff and taking part in the life of others. Today we don't miss facebook and the others for a second. We've gone so far limiting internet at home too (whith is a massive step!) and being more selective about what we consume. While I'm no role model at all when it comes to porn and while there's overall still a lot of room for improvement overall I believe both my wife and I are doing better.
     
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