ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    That's one of the things that really clicked with me in the SAA literature, that once you accept you are helpless there are certain things you just can't do. It actually made things a lot simpler for me.

    The dumb thing is is that I realised that FB was bad for me at the beginning of the year, but it's taken me this long to actually be ready to do anything to not act out. It took a long time and an SAA meeting for me to stop bullshitting myself.

    I'm looking forward to the next meeting. I had planned to go on Monday but I cancelled some plans this weekend so I'll go tomorrow.
  2. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks man, I totally relate to this. I knew fb, and social media was bad for me as long ago as 2015, but only now has the pain reached a level I am not willing to bear. You could say I've reached rock bottom, not just of my dependence on social media, but my laziness, a huge character defect.

    My goals as I've spelled them out for myself, have no room for laziness, and demand that I am dedicated and driven, to reach my dreams. The feeling of wasting a day is becoming more and more painful. So I am striving to make every day count, and not even allow the space to be tempted.

    I keep thinking, does the fact that my phone sometimes lies next to me at next as I sleep distract me. Will I be tempted today? Tomorrow? When will I be confident that I won't be tempted by this crazy addiction.

    Grateful for a clean day, a day without social media, connected with my cousin, my parents and nephews.. Praying for all on this forum to be at peace and be given wisdom to find a way to defeat the destruction of this disease.
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I think I'm coming down with a bit of a cold, sitting here with a few of my colleagues at a client's office for the whole day. A bit irritable about that, but feel great that I am still going strong in my journey of no social media. I might have looked at a couple of Youtube videos over the weekend, but nothing extended. Mostly logged on to do some work that I'm under deadline for. I'm in a period which is kind of uncertain, like I don't know where I sit with people in my life. A bit tense between me and my wife, but I put that down to her just being a bit unwell. Anyway, one day at a time, one moment at a time..
  4. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    I'm a huge procrastinator, too. Rock bottom is a great place to be with any bad habit. The only way is up :)

    I got rid of my smartphone as it was too much of a risk for me. Before I did that, I bought a KitchenSafe timelock safe that I intended to lock it up in during office hours and while I was in bed. In the end it came to a head before I had really used it.
  5. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks HPMOF, I think I'm hitting rock bottom at the moment, in terms of my emotional state. I've become absolutely dependent on social media to help me manage my emotions. I reached a point early last week when I couldn't do any work, I stayed on facebook for an entire day, even though my colleagues were knocking down my proverbial door about certain deadlines that I was missing. Now, I believe (in my mind) that in order to test me and trip me up, they are setting deadlines to impossible timelines, but I think a part of this is my own paranoia. Still, I have definitely not done my best and have allowed social media to truly take bigger chunks of my time. The extent to which it had started to dominate my life was incredible, now that I have create a bit of distance between myself and it. It feels like I'm lost in a new world, and struggling to find a grip to balance. Like, Neo spending his whole life in the matrix and being brought to life for the first time, unsteady on his feat, learning to use the muscles he's never used. I feel like I need to use the "muscles" of filling my time in better ways. I've been reading a lot more. I'm a third of the way through a novel, which is incredible as I haven't read a novel in about four years. While I made sure to read self-help and practical books, spending months on a single one, my social media use ate up so much of my time (and warped my ability to focus to the point) that I couldn't focus, or couldn't be patient enough to read a good novel. I'm sick with a cold, which is going away, thankfully I didn't use antibiotics, but I still managed to be productive this week, something that was never available to me, I would be completely out, as I could not muster up the ability to focus if I was ill. But without social media, I could spend a parcel of time on actual work and then rest well afterwards. I see positive results already, but I'm still a bit irritable and impatient, developing fresh resentments and dissatisfaction daily. Writing here helps, and I remain optimistic that I the inner tension is temporary. Not only am I giving up social media and all the triggers that come with it, but I am still fresh from the last time I acted out on PMO. I am still in withdrawal mode and can expect to feel some harsh symptoms for then next couple of months and even for the next year. I don't know if it will be "good enough" or worth the trouble of the pain, but I know for sure that I definitely DO NOT want to be using porn and social media. I know for sure that I do not want the consequences of these activities in the least bit. They are absolutely detrimental to my life and might even destroy everything that I hold dear to my heart. I will go through some tough times in the coming months, but I will do everything in my power to seek a way to stay off social media and porn for good.
  6. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    It's amazing how much time it frees up. I've been finding that without Facebook I have literally nothing better to do 9-5 than... my work. I still browse some news sites and forums for various hobbies, but they don't create the same urge to always check back and refresh. I used to smoke a lot of weed and I remember hearing or reading somewhere that weed makes you feel ok about sitting doing nothing, and I think FB etc. has the same effect. It's no wonder it can swallow up a whole day.

    There will be tough days ahead, but we've just got to take them one at a time.
  7. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    I've been following your journal for quite a while as a silent reader Zeebawn and let me tell you I'm impressed by your dedication and determination you put into your recovery.

    Regarding social media I honestly believe it's an addictive plague with very little benefit for only a few. Most of us will experience a net negative impact if they take everything into account. My wife and I quit all social media two years ago and while it was really difficult in the beginning (fear of missing out, addictive checking of smartphone, fear of being lonely) our hobbies got healthier and our social circle increased in quality because we now really take the time for sharing the important stuff and taking part in the life of others. Today we don't miss facebook and the others for a second. We've gone so far limiting internet at home too (whith is a massive step!) and being more selective about what we consume. While I'm no role model at all when it comes to porn and while there's overall still a lot of room for improvement overall I believe both my wife and I are doing better.
    ZeeBawn likes this.
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    @Fry2, Thank you so much for this encouragement. I often feel like I'm walking alone in the mission to give up social media, great to hear that you guys are enjoying success and the benefits of being free of invasive media content, the worst by far being porn. I agree, it is a lifetime process, which we walk (not run) steadily, but we have each other. The Big Book of AA says "We trudge the road of Happy destiny." One of my sponsors explained how profound this was, that the journey is not a sprint, or even a brisk walk, but we "trudge" through this journey, each step taken carefully, sometimes with great difficulty, sometimes painful, but each step is happy because we gain freedom from obsession and compulsion to drink or act out. We are no longer enslaved. I've logged onto Facebook and Instagram a couple of times, but each time I know I shouldn't be there. I'm grateful that I have managed to click away quite quickly without getting sucked in, so heading to about two weeks now since I did get dragged in and was lot in it. But now, I tend to compulsively go onto Whatsapp, which is a bit more practical as it keeps me in touch with family, friends, work, my training group/instructor and even my recovery group, as well as church. The problem is when I get pulled into looking at people's statuses, but it is nowhere near the level of obsession as facebook, which pushes so much content down our throats and which has such a huge archive of other people's content, their friends, strangers etc, same with Instagram. I was never big into Twitter, but Youtube is a potentially seductive space, and can easily suck hours of my time. Life at the moment is filled with so many blessings. Me and my wife welcome a healthy baby into the world, I'm in love. I could look at the many things that I might be dissatisfied with, and there are definitely challenges, as any life should have, but I feel blessed. I am grateful to this forum, to my family, my group in SAA, my friends and even my colleagues who have been so supportive to me. I'm back at work and miss baby, but I know the Lord has me covered each step. Now just praying that I make positive adjustments in my life, keep myself occupied with productive activity, things that allow me to grow spiritually and in help me be more productive in my responsibilities.
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I think I might have shared about this before; I have a tendency to fall into a pattern of putting on my ear phones while I work at my desk. I've know for a long time that I work better when they are off, but noise and loud chatter in the open plan has sort of forced me on certain occasions to out on music, especially on a day when I can sense that there will be a lot of excitement throughout the day. While I might ACTUALLY need them for about 5% of the day to shut out overbearing noise, there is probably another 5% of the time when I "need" to listen to the a relevant video or audio. I sometimes end up leaving them on absentmindedly, most of the time with nothing playing (they make good earplugs, but apparently a hotbed of bacteria). I often keep them on when I enter a spree of social media surfing. But an interesting emotion has arisen now when I try to not use them, it isn't so much the volume of the people's conversations or comments, but the type of content in their speech. You see, I work in an office with people who are extremely different from me, in terms of culture and ethnicity, and I most of the time I feel like I can't relate, like an outsider. I won't go into details, lest I be labelled racist/bitter.. But, while some of my resentments in this area are linked to real historical events that happened in my part of the world, I know that a lot of the emotions that I experience in this regard are a result of my own thinking, as with any other resentment. I wish to be as vague as possible so we do not enter into a political debate, but rather a sociological/psychological one here on the forum. For instance, I do not specify whether my colleague are from a different tribe within the same racial group (hence different ethnicity and culture, but same racial group) or from a different race altogether (and therefore different under every demographic element). Anyway, I often feel a slight aversion to the vocal tones and accents of my colleagues and my instinct is to put some music on and zone out. I know this is being amplified by the impending review, as my supervisor comes from this group and our politics often don't match up. In my mind I make accusations of racism, and imagine counter accusations from the other side, in my paranoia. I stay away from political conversations in the office, but I cannot help to feel isolated, along with some of my colleagues who come from my ethnic group. It is a resentment that lingers in my heart, something I often pray for help in dealing with, some kind of revelation and template from which to work from in this regard.

    I recently had an encounter with my cousin, who rubs me the wrong way and today came up to me with some slightly vexing news, informing me she wouldn't be able to do something important that she had committed to yesterday, with only four hours before this thing needs to be done. Again, won't go into details. I was a bit surprised I didn't snap at her, maybe because I was in front of my partner. I don't even feel like snapping when I'm alone with her later, opting to rather ignore the oversight on her part, although I have repeatedly requested very early notice on the matter at hand. I feel it is a bit of a victory for me, some kind of spiritual progress, or maybe it could just me being numb to my cousin's ways, half expecting that she would drop the ball at the last minute, as she has repeatedly done in the past. I made an alternate plan, but it sucks because it means I'm missing out on some important stuff happening at home with my partner.

    I'm taking things one day at a time, spent two hours on Instagram between today and yesterday, logged off on my PC and deleted the apps after doing what I had needed to do, and I now feel a bit more calm, with only this forum as an alternative to my actual work when I hit a wall. YouTube is a potential problem for me, but just need to fight through the temptations.
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Another day, I'm taking a moment to thank my higher power for blessing me with another day on this earth. I'm grateful for life itself, all the people in my life who support me and for second chances, I see that I have second chances in so many areas, whether it's in recovery, in our professional lives or in personal relationships. I've made mistakes in my work, but I recognise that I have opportunities to redeem myself. I was reminded in my morning reading that we are obedient in work, to our customers and managers, but in reality our obedience is to a higher principle. If I resist, I know I will not be able to learn along the way. I'm really grateful for all I have, just need to spend more time budgeting and planning for next year.

    I spoke to my sponsor about starting step work again. This time, he says it will go faster to encourage daily surrender, and also because we've been through them. I'm in approaching a couple of tough meetings over the next couple of weeks. Seeking strength in this and today in preparing for them.
    Thebeg likes this.
  11. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I logged back onto Facebook today. I've been watching Netflix recently and have allowed myself onto Youtube recently.

    I struggled during the day, filling the moments of idleness, like when I have a lull after a meeting or when I want to take a breather before starting on a challenging piece of work.

    I went onto Facebook and the entire group suggestions tab was about transgender this and that. I was shaken, and appalled with myself for clicking into the groups and even into some of the profiles.

    It did not escalate, and I feel I haven't acted out, but I most definitely put myself in danger. I believe the Youtube and Netflix isn't helping me.

    I will make a commitment that when I am at home, I will only read books or just sleep, except when I must do my taxes etc... It will be tough but the electronic media is not helpful to my reboot at all..

    Otherwise, all is well. I need to attend a meeting and I need to see my sponsor, along with doing my tax returns and some other personal admin. Sitting with a bunch of credit card debt, which I want to bring down gradually.
  12. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    28 days? Just wanted to say, well done! :)
  13. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks man, 28 days since I binged on transgender profiles on facebook, didn't do porn but the effects were the same, that's why yesterday was so frightening..
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I relapsed, starting on Friday through the weekend, until Tuesday when I had one PMO session in the bathroom.

    I'm not beating myself up about it,actually still feel happy about life.

    In my content space, I realised I can make better progress in terms of seeing where I went wrong. I think going into this "streak", and following my previous relapse about two months ago, I had beaten myself up quite badly about it, and I had made the decision to get clean again motivated by fear of consequences and anxiety.

    A part of me enjoyed the masturbation and the porn viewing, it definitely helped with some stress I've been trying to deal with. It definitely helped let off steam. I would be lying to say that there was nothing attractive about it, otherwise why use it anyway.

    Unfortunately, it has distracted me from my wife and kids, from my friends and family. It's also stopped me from reading and connecting with God. My wife was quite unhappy last night and told me that I haven't been spending enough time with her and the kids. My mom even noticed it, and friends in the fellowship have been asking about me, a guy called me yesterday.

    So, while I've been "feeling" great, I've been digging myself into a bit of a hole. I can also feel that my work is not in good shape. My work has been good, but I'm slow and it comes out with huge difficulty.

    Anyway, my motivation now is that I want to treat my family and work better. I want to enjoy the good feelings without having to rely on porn.
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Acted out over the weekend and woke up on Sunday feeling horrible, looking for ways to redeem myself, I cooked and helped out, leaving my phone in my room. This week has been better, will try again to stay offline this coming weekend.
  16. Hello Penis My Old Friend

    Hello Penis My Old Friend Well-Known Member

    Be kind to yourself, and try to stay busy over the weekend. Spend time with your wife and kids and don't be alone.
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Succeeded, to an extent, I didn't waste so much time on social media. This weekend, I managed to be of assistance to my family, but one of my family members, my cousin, really rubbed me up the wrong way and I lost my temper. I've been on edge today and the past few days. Been dealing with a couple of tough situations at work and in my personal life. A colleague welcomed to the office this morning with some negativity. It even seemed that he felt comfortable to share the negativity, especially when it was not related to him but another colleague. I was tempted to o along with what he was saying, but the weight of all the heaviness in my life was so much that I just walked away from him. He came to apologise about putting "his problems" on me, which ticked me off a little because he was talking about another person's work situation rather than his own, and all he was doing was spreading negativity. I told him to please keep it positive, even when we share about our challenges.
    It will take time as I stay clean from porn, then my mind/brain will stabilise and my emotions will come under better control. Today, I just pray for peace in my heart and in my relationships.
  18. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Deleted games from my phone, spent less time on social media, was able to put down my phone at a reasonable time last night.. Thanking God for today. I have met with some challenges at work recently, but I remember that the Lord is with me.

    Galations 2 v20 says "I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me."

    This scripture reminds me that while life (and people) often challenge and sometimes threaten us, we are to lay our lives down and surrender our power to the Lord. In the end, it is through his sacrifice that we are able to receive new life.
  19. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Good day today, hard day at work, people seem to be on edge and I feel a lot of them are trying to get as much from me as possible before I head out for vacations. In a way, I am happy to be needed and trusted with important client work. On the other hand, I find people's demeanor a bit off-putting. Still, I remind myself that people I have harmed my own reputation in my carelessness at work and it will be some time before I earn it back. I have to also be gentle to myself and remember blessings in my life..
    TheScriabin likes this.
  20. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^I could apply this almost word for word to my own day at work!

    You appear to have developed a positive and realistic attitude towards dealing with the inevitable ups and downs of work. Nice work!
    ZeeBawn likes this.

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