ZeeBawn Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by ZeeBawn, Dec 1, 2014.

  1. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Sitting at work. It's 8am and it has been 9 hours since I finished a session of PMO, the last of 5 yesterday.

    It's 1 December, World Aids Day and I am grateful that those sessions didn't escalate to prostitutes, and with that would go alcohol and drugs. I am just shy of 11 months clean off booze and drugs, and just 11 months from sleeping with a prostitute; female.

    I viewed a lot of shemale porn over 17 years (I'm 33 now) and slept with a lot too, along with a lot of female porn and prostitutes.

    In the beginning it was mostly females but towards the end it was almost exclusively tranny porn and a lot of drugs; alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, cat, LSD and of course cigarettes.

    Substances have been relatively easy to let go of, but the porn and lust is a huge struggle. I recognise that some of the things I watch of TV are huge triggers, but I've been allowing myself to watch one show in particular which has an age restriction of 16, for violence, language and some scenes of nudity.

    After wanking 3 times yesterday I had a long much-needed nap, then woke up and ate. Then I went to bed, but had another PMO session. I still have some shame and guilt.

    But I realise what I need to do; stop watching certain shows and to allow myself to take powerful naps, even though I'll wake up early. I must expose myself only to positive books, movies and music and not be "double-minded".
  2. aminth

    aminth New Member

    Thank you for your sincereness.
    But please, do yourself a favour.
    Look for a goal in life (some goals is better, one economical, one for family, one for health, one for relationships, etc...),
    state your goal, make a plan, and do something everyday.

    I am in your ship too (thanks to my family i skipped the substance part, but it is barely my choice),
    and the only beneficial activity i found is this: trying a way to earn "a certain amount" a month, having a plan,
    and having a plan to start the family i want too.

    If porn finds me today, chances are that t finds me busy and not giving a damn to him.

    And You can do way better than me.
    You have seen hell, you will appreciate every single piece of (real and authentic) heaven you will reach in this life.

    You can do it.
  3. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Man,

    It's tough right now and I don't know if I'll be strong enough.

    I have this enormous anxiety over dealing with people and this fear that I'll relapse hard just from a small thing.

    I know I'm being dishonest to people I'm supposed to be honest with, like my sponsor.

    I know how easy it is to disappear once the relapse cycle has started. But I'm making a decision right now that I'll bear the initial pain, because it will be painful to let go of the porn again, especially after starting up again. I'll let go, attend meetings and allow myself rest.

    Thanks Aminth
  4. aminth

    aminth New Member

    You're Welcome.

    I have many things to say, but I will tell you just one:
    if you need courage,
    switch the counter to a spreadsheet,
    and do like Inigo de Loyola recommended:
    track your errors.

    If you look to my personalized sheet, I take notes of "peeks" too,
    just to remember me not to watch porn.

    When you catch yourself "trespassing" just go to the spreadsheet, update it,
    (put your trousers on if necessary), put the right hand on the chest, near your heart,
    and promise yourself you will put all your endavour,
    and you will do something extra for your life goals (just meditation, read "the slight edge",
    go for a walk, etc...)

    trespass -> spreadsheet -> renew promise -> some action
  5. Keebler

    Keebler Guest

    Good to see the new journal. A fresh start is sometimes needed.

    Remember, to thine own self be true. Make sure you are being honest with yourself first.

    Not sure why you are having anxiety over people?
  6. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Aminth,

    ..and thanks to you Keebler for popping in.

    I've been discussing this quite a bit with my sponsor. Some people call it the "graveyard shift" where an addict or alcoholic is in that period of 9-12 months clean/sober and frustration takes a hold, when the addict is "rattling the cage" warring to get out.

    To make matters even more complicated we are now in the festive season and last year this time I was in very bad shape, so the memories of madness are very strong, especially when I feel the atmosphere of partying etc..

    These slip ups are me acting out and being unable to deal with my emotions properly, but I am glad I have been able to keep bouncing back and not escalate to booze and drugs, or worse yet; actual sex with someone like an escort or anonymous sex or any of the crazy things I was doing in Nov/Dec 2013.

    I am getting closer to God, but, as I have mentioned, I am having anxiety and I find that I am very irritable. I had a bit of meltdown on Friday with a family member. I felt myself wanting to be violent; very scary.

    But I did a step 4 exercise, then last night I did a gratitude list. I'll probably attend a meeting today. Life is to be live on its own terms and while escape may feel good at the time, it eventually makes me feel worse. I must learn to face things head on.

    I've found that meditation helps, not as a nice thing to do, but as a life-saving activity. If I am slave to my emotions I wont be able to get any better and relapse will be the only option.

    At the moment I'm feeling good and focusing on my work, but I must do a lot more work, develop a relapse prevention plan over the next day or two and meet my responsibilities with dignity..
  7. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Going strong, having a bit of a hectic week emotionally, attending countless year-end functions and feeling very awkward in most of them. But I know where my support is. I wont run away, I'll embrace the adversity as the winds that lead to growth and allow myself to rest fully.

    I cant help but wonder where I'd be at this time had I not relapse recently. How much more confidence would I have and what blessings would I be attracting.

    Well, what's done is done. I can't be beating myself up at this stage. That would put me at further risk. I'm very sensitive and scared to hurt my ego.

    I'll do what I need to and move one day at a time..
  8. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Stabilising, settling. Over the past couple of weeks, I've been struggling with patience, wanting a relationship now, out of loneliness and also to cover up my recent fall.

    But today I'm coming to terms with the fact that I should calm down and be patient. At the same time, I must avoid isolation and get out in the world to meet people and build my social skills.
  9. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Oops I did it again, need to stop seeking happiness from outside myself..
  10. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    I need to stop watching certain programs on TV, like Game of Thrones and Sopranos, too much sex and foul language and violence..
  11. Tomato76

    Tomato76 Active Member

    Zee... Any outdoors type stuff you are into, that could help with wqwithwith watching less telly/ make you feel good?
  12. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Almost 1 year (10 Jan) clean off liquor and drugs, as well as hookers. On 31 Dec 2014, I slipped up after 9 days clean off porn.

    I've been doing a lot to stay clean, but not everything. I pray for the strength to make the right decisions and make 2015 a good year.

    Happy New Year all!!
  13. Keebler

    Keebler Guest

    That is a lot to be proud of. I think the PMO will follow and this will be a good year for you.
  14. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Thanks Keebler!
  15. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Trying to regain recovery is tough, extremely tough. The emotionally upheaval is agonising.

    I'm sitting here, juts finished one stage of an assignment and the first thought that came to mind, and I sit in an open plan office, was to look up some bikini pictures of women.

    In my mind they are not porn, I just need to look at some skin and shapely bodies as a "reward". I had taken on a suggestion by my sponsor to stop journaling here, but since I distanced myself from journaling things have been unravelling.

    Quite correctly he pointed out that my decline began around the time I started having car troubles and had to pay out huge amounts of money. He is correct, as the two events happened around the same time.

    I could have tried to stay away from looking at pictures through hard tenacity, but the first thought was just to come here and share my pain with you guys. It seems to be working.

    I'm still functioning in my job, but the anxiety seems to be creeping in. I'm trying to be productive but, having taken a couple of weeks off, getting back to waking up on time is a serious challenge.

    I'm still staying at home with my parents, quite challenging for a grown man of 33 years. I know I shouldn't rush to find myself a place as I know the urge is driven by pride and shame when I compare myself to my peers.

    I recently had an upsetting few weeks where I had built up a serious resentment towards my mother. We sorted it out on Sunday, but not without me first delving head first in relapses and binges.

    It didn't help that my dad was up at all hours of the day getting drunk and wailing through the entire house with the sound system turned up full blast.

    I was tempted to drink and see a prostitute. But by the grace of God I managed to stay clean. However, the shame of being enslaved in the nightmare of porn runs deep and I'm fighting each moment to gain just another hour of being clean.

    I had a bit of an episode with my sponsor where he said something sensitive about his other sponsee. To me it was a serious violation of trust. If he could share with me such private information about another sponsee (seriously off limits) was he doing the same with my information.

    I suppose I am irritable, fearful and very discontent at the moment as I am still undergoing those serious withdrawals, something I denied since I slipped up and had to undergo the whole social anxiety at the end of the year.

    But I cant go back to being enslaved by porn any more, so I come here and I share as honestly as possible.

    I've been having some throbbing on the right side, just below the ribs where the liver should be. I'm having fears that it could be my hepatitis flaring up. The worst fear while I was sick, around this time last year, was that the hepatitis could progress, so I'm panning to have blood tests done so that I can monitor this thing.

    I intend to also cut out the coffee and drink lots more water, a lot more salads and cleanse my body with much less meat.

    I had a meeting with my sex addicts anonymous group last night and was given a service position. I could tell, as I described my current state, that what I am going through is painful for the guys there.

    It's painful but it feels good to know that those guys are there for me. I need to reach out more with those guys and call people daily as I used to do.

    I realise also that I should have gone away for the festive season, even though it was only a 2 week break, the money was there for sure. Staying home really served to frustrate me. I wont make that mistake again. But what's done is done.

    Today is a good day. I'm 3 days clean from PMO and while I managed 12 days or whatever recently, this feels more solid. I actually have a stronger desire to stay clean and grow spiritually.

    I realise that in order to be healthy I need to be able to share how I feel with people. I guess better late than never. I was able to confront my sponsor as well as my mother. I just pray that I can apply that principle with others in my life, including at work - to tell people how I honestly feel without trying to manipulate or tell people what to do.

    Anyway, that's it for now. I'll try to follow the suggestion of writing daily and be honest about my feelings.

    Take care

  16. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    ZeeBawn, your list of issues is impressive but your dedication is even more so.

    You won't beat this in a day I believe, but through a long and constant effort over time.

    Trust yourself. We are the results of our past choice. It might sound despairing if you have made bad choices in the past. But it means you have 100% power over every other day of your life.

    If you have pain in the epigastric-high right region, you might want to see a doctor. If you have taken IV drugs, you also need to be tested for hepatitis B and C.

    Stay strong
  17. ZeeBawn

    ZeeBawn Active Member

    Hey guys,

    Thanks for the encouragement @MarstonS and @Canada2012, I'll have those checked out when I go in for my blood tests. I actually spent 7 days, then 10 days in hospital last year around this time with hepatitis B. It cleared but I want to get an update.

    To get a bit current, today I woke up late, and panicked getting out of the house, missed my morning stretching routine and readings, but it felt good to rest. I should just get to bed much earlier today.

    The thing is that it feels scary, maybe it's a sign that I am unravelling further. But I also remind myself that I am fresh from relapse and one of the "symptoms" is low energy levels as the brain strives to rewire.

    I've been thinking about my sponsor; should I terminate our relationship or continue and try to be honest when I see him? As I think about the things I pointed out to him these past two days; his hostility and his violation of confidence, I get the sense that I might not be able to be completely honest with him.

    But I also remind myself to just take things one day at a time. I can do more for my recovery, but each I can reaffirm my commitment and true desire to stay clean.

    Work is starting off slowly, which is a good thing because I'm still trying to stabilise myself in terms of sleep and not acting out.

    I have a bit of anxiety about how the year will pan out in terms of my dealings with my manager, and I want to be able to be honest if something bothers me, with everyone. I think one of the problems I've had is clamming up and people-pleasing, so I might need to look at that a bit.

    I think I should purchase more of those books that some fellow members have recommended on this site. If you guys have any suggested reading, please feel free to share, regardless of religion or philosophy. I'm quite open-minded.

    I suppose that's all I have to share for now. Things are challenging at the moment, but I fell good about life. Cheers!
  18. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    I don't know the details of your arrangement with your sponsor but if he's there to support you in recovery and fails to do so, I believe he's not the one for you.
  19. Keebler

    Keebler Guest

    If you cant be comfortable and honest with him, then you should look for another.
  20. Canada2012

    Canada2012 Active Member

    Just want to add....

    ..your main sponsor is you. Keep up the focus and dedication and you will beat this no matter who is sponsoring you.

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