Hey there, Zeddd. Great post! Kudos to you for raising this question early on and not waiting until you'd moved further down the path toward a committed relationship. There doesn't seem to be an easy answer to your dilemma. However, I don't think it has to be an all-or-nothing situation. I'd have to second Giles' response. Maybe you can continue to rewire with this guy as cuddle buddies but look for something more fully fledged elsewhere. You've had tricky conversations with this guy about your PIED before, so maybe he can handle the let's-be-friends-with-benefits talk. If you're able to get that out in the open, maybe you'll feel differently about continuing to rewire with him while doing other dating, too. I like what you said about not being able to juggle more than one guy. I can relate to that. However, recently I'm finding that dating more than one guy at once actually helps me stay a bit more centered. Because all of my eggs aren't in one basket, I find that I'm just a bit more sane than I would be if all my energy was invested in just one person. Just a thought!
Thanks Giles and HIP for your thoughtful responses. Very helpful! Part of why I've been a bit down about the situation is that I have indeed been looking at it as all or nothing. You've both helped me see that it doesn't have to be that way. He is meeting my two most important needs right now (emotional and physical). So, why not continue. And HIP, you make a good point about having all my eggs in one basket. Not a good idea...if my relationship ended abruptly right now, I'd be without any emotional or physical outlets. That puts a lot of pressure on me to keep the relationship going. Plus, if I expand my dating to others, I stand a chance of meeting someone who can fill all my needs. Great advise guys. This is why I love this forum! Thanks again and have a great day!
I know I'm coming in a little late on this subject, but I agree with points that Giles and HIP made. You said that he was feeling it too, "about you two not quite having what it takes in the relationship to go long term" so, since he's understands where you are, and you are physically comfortable with each other, Cuddle Buddies, Friends with Benefits sounds like the way to go. Now I would want to be upfront so everything is clear between you. The other point, having all your eggs in one basket, for you is probably not the best choice anyway, and being upfront with each other will give you two opportunity to date others without there ever being a problem. I'd hate to see you give up something so comfortable, even though it doesn't have all the elements you are looking for. Hugs
Hi AB, thanks for weighing in. I really value your opinions. I agree that being upfront with him is the way to go. As I mentioned, I'm fairly certain he's seeing other people (though I havent), so I don't think it will be a hard conversation to have (well, maybe a little). And I agree AB...I don't want to give up what I have with him. It is comfortable and he's such a nice guy.
Great! ..... What you wrote made me feel all relaxed inside. Ahhhh. You know, this forum is really great.
Day 45...half way to my goal! Here's a summary of what I've noticed so far: Sexual I've been fortunate to have someone to rewire with on occasion. It's a long distance thing, so we don't see each other that often. But, my sexual performance has improved each time we are together. The first time, I could barely hold an erection at all. The second time, I was 80% hard about half the time...and lost it completely toward the end. The third time, last weekend, I maintained a full erection the entire time we were playing. The sight of him was enough to make me hard! My penis sensitivity is improving but not good enough for me to have an orgasm at this point. In terms of libido, I don't really feel horny most of the time. When I'm with my friend sexually or when we're talking about sex, I get aroused. Otherwise, I don't think about sex. I have no desire to PMO and no desire to MO. I'm thankful for that my sexual response to another human being is returning, but I wouldn't mind having a bit more day-to-day sexual energy (eg, being turned on by the sight of a hot man at the gym, etc). Physical While PMOing, fortunately, I maintained a good exercise regimen at the gym. But since I started this journey, I've re-doubled my efforts at the gym and have seen more positive changes. Exercise if really good for my mental outlook too. Unfortunatley, I evidently pushed myself too hard and developed a stress fracture of my fibula! That's a bit of a downer, but I can still do upper body work! Social Since stopping PMO, I find that I don't like being alone very much. And I'm more friendly. For example, at the gym...I used to do my thing and never talk with anyone...ever. All business. But, lately, I've struck up conversations with some of the other regulars. I've learned their names and I say hello. It may seem like a small thing, but it makes me happy to feel like I'm part of a community. Motivation Getting things done around the house. While I was PMOing, I continued to do a good job at work but I let my home fall into disarray. I was socially isolated and never had anyone to my home anyway, so I figured, "who cares". The yard was a mess, clothes piled up, dust bunnies everywhere. Now, I'm digging myself out of that hole, slowly but surely. I had the yard re-sodded, the kitchen is clean, I've gone through clothes and gave 6 huge bags to charity. I'm taking pride in my home again and it feels good. Summary I have so much gratitude right now. I'm learning a new way to live and it's so much more fulfilling than sitting in front of a computer wanking all my myself. Is life perfect? No. Do I have room for more improvements? Yes. But, if I've made this much progress in 45 days, I'm certain the next 45 will prove even better! Thanks to my friends on this forum for your advice, cheerleading and for sharing your journeys. I couldn't do this without you! Stay strong everyone. It's worth it!
Thanks for sharing and congrats for getting to that 45 day mark. Having a tough time with temptation today, but reading your half-way post has helped with motivation for pushing on.
45 days!!!! You have changed SO MUCH in 45 day Zeddd. Just think how you were feeling when you started, and now you don't even want to PMO or look at Porn, you're having successful sex, you're coming alive again and becoming who you really are. Amazing how much you've accomplished. I like the way you laid out the points of where you are right now. I wonder what you'll write at the next 45 days; day 90? You're an inspiration to me and I'm sure to others.
Congratulations on 45 days Zeddd and thanks for the report update. It is great to read of your progress - continue the good work!
Zeddd -- thanks for sharing so honestly! You journey is inspirational and your insight helps a lot. Thank you for being here!
Thanks for this, Zeddd. Great to hear about all the positive changes in your life. Short term pain--long term gain! Looking forward to continuing following your journey.
Gratitude ... to your support network, to the universe, to yourself ... is really the right emotion to feel in the face of all you've accomplished. Congratulations! -BSM
Thanks everyone for your kind words and support. This is a real community. We're each on our own unique journeys but fighting the same addiction. Having kept up with many of you, it's clear to me now that there's no one right or wrong way to do this (with the exception of no PMO, no porn ever). That's a bit disconcerting. I wish there was a simple roadmap, but there's not. I have to listen to my body, feel my feelings (try to understand where they're coming from) and decide what's right for me each day. But reading other's journals gives me perspective and helps me navigate the next right thing to do. Not to mention the great advice I get from many of you. Anyway, enough rambling. Stay strong everyone. It's worth it!
It is a wonderful community, isn't it? I am so grateful to have stumbled across this forum. It has changed my life. Abstaining from PMO has made a huge difference to me and the people I have met here have rekindled my faith in humanity... What you say in your previous post is so true. It can be really disconcerting that the progress is not linear and that it is different for each of us and I think you are so right about the importance of listening to our bodies and feeling our feelings... Peace and strength...
Zeddd, Thank you for reminding me of the benefits of the reboot process. I experienced many of the things you describe and now long to have those experinces and feelings again. Next weekend would have been 90 days for me and I had big plans to celebrate with my new partner, who happens to live about 400 miles from me. You inspired me this morning with your words, so much so that I have updated my journal, set a new goal and developed plans to acheive it. Soon I will summarize my feelings as you have, perhaps about the time you reach your 90 day mark. I am so greatful to you, this forum and the community of support here, it has changed my life, though I have had a setback recently, it isn't without benefit as I have learned from my experience and will suceed this time. Good luck Zeddd, I am interested in your experience with your long distance relationship. It is tough for me at times, we currently see each other about every 2 weeks. The time between visits is hard, the reunions are, well, incredible.
Day 51Feeling great about no PMO for >50 days! And, feeling great in general. In my 45 day report, I mentioned that I was hoping that my natural libido would improve, as I wasn't feeling sexual, aside from when I was actually having sex with the guy I've been seeing (which is not very often, as it's long distance). Well, be careful what you ask for! I was chatting with him last night and became aroused. When we were done chatting, I couldn't stop thinking about having sex with him. I got a rock hard erection with no touching at all...and made the conscious decision to MO. I thought about him and the last time we had sex. No porn fantasy whatsoever. And I used a condom (thank HIP for the idea!) to dull the manual stimulation a bit. My first orgasm in 50 days was actually a big let down. Nothing like I used to experience while PMOing. But that's ok. I don't anticipate that O's will be mind blowing for quite some time. Today, I haven't experienced any chaser effect. No desire to PMO whatsoever. So, I don't see this as a bad thing. In fact, I see it as a good thing...my natural libido is kicking back in. I don't want to make a habit of MOing. Successful, enjoyable sex with another human is what I want. I'll have to see what, if any, the effects of MOing have on that aspect of my recovery the next time I'm in a sexual situation. I'm thinking it will be fine though! Wishing everyone good success!
