Zeddd's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Zeddd, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    HIP, you said " they can't handle the gay thing. The interesting thing is that they want a relationship with me, just on their terms, which would mean my agreeing to be a second class citizen when I'm around them. "

    So perfectly said! That is exactly how I feel around my parents, and I wouldn't be around them at ALL unless they needed help in "end of life" stuff. I don't even feel obligated to do that, but it's my nature.

    Zeddd, you got two buds really happy for you and your family.

    I had a partner to die, and my parents have never uttered his name, and when I do, the room goes quiet.

    I want to say this, church has fucked up my life, and that's no exaggeration, but now I take responsibility with no excuses.
  2. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks AB and HIP, hearing stories like yours makes me even more thankful for what I have with my family. And, great attitude, AB...it would be easy to let resentments over what the church did to you take over and keep you on a destructive path. But, you've made the choice to take control. Good boy!
  3. Gracie

    Gracie Member

    I thought I would hop in here and tell what my dad did since my brother was gay. My brother was in his teens and my dad had Playboy, Penthouse etc. He would find my brother's gay porn stash and put in the hetero porn. I finally told him that wasn't going to work. That was back in the 70s by the way.

    We have numerous gay and lesbian coupled friends. Sometimes they talk about what they have been through and it is tough. The one thing I have found is that they are true to themselves as individuals. And I seem to be someone they seek out when they have relationship difficulties. To me, once a friend always a friend.

    Good to all of you for coming out to your families! And you are right, the families you choose are remarkable indeed!
  4. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    To Quote you Zeddd, ...since my brother was gay. My brother was in his teens and my dad had Playboy, Penthouse etc. He would find my brother's gay porn stash and put in the hetero porn. I finally told him that wasn't going to work...

    That gave me my first chuckle of the day.
  5. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Well I'm over 30 days PMO and MO free! For me, the first 3 weeks were Hell. The withdrawal symptoms have abated now. I'm much less anxious, sleep well at night and the brain fog is gone. I'm glad I stuck it out, though failure is/was not an option in my mind. I'm dedicated to regaining my sexual health (among other things, of course).

    Right now, my libido is nonexistent, unless I'm with the guy I've been seeing for the past month. I am seeing progress, as each time I'm with him, my erections are stronger and longer lasting. I'm ready for the day when I can be hard, start to finish, but I know this could take some time. Anyway, I'm so thankful, that even in my current state, sex with him is great.

    Right now, I'm with my family, celebrating my dad's 80th birthday. It's been awesome catching up with them and my siblings!

    Well, all for now. Best wishes to everyone. Stay strong! It's worth it!
  6. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Hey Zeddd,

    I hope to hear whatever you want to share about your trip when you return home. I've been thinking about you a lot and wondering how everything feels being around your family.

    I loved reading your upbeat post, and now your number went to 31 days!!!

    Take care, stay focused.
  7. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Congrats on 30! Big step. Healthy changes are right around the corner, stick with this.
  8. gameover

    gameover Age: 26

    looking pretty fit for 50+ mate. If you had no issues with PIED in your 20s 30s etc then you will probably find some normality return over the next few months. Haven't read any stories of guys who used poppers to watch porn and masturbate though, which may affect you im not sure.
  9. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Congrats, Zeddd! Love reading your posts and keeping up with your journey. You're an inspiration to me in my own recovery. Thanks!
  10. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks everyone for your encouraging posts!

    I had a great weekend celebrating my dad's 80th birthday. My mom threw a party and many of their close friends came. It meant so much to my dad that I was there. And it made me feel good to be there, to hug my father and tell him how proud I was if him, that I loved him. I were still PMOing, I don't know that I would have made the effort. I'd probably have made up an excuse and begged off, missing out on a joyous, loving time with my family. Putting the sexual benefits of not PMOing aside, being motivated to re-engage in life is reason enough to do this!

    This week is crazy at work, but I'm clear headed and dealing with it just fine.

    All for now. Stay strong everyone. It's definitely worth it!
  11. brazen

    brazen Guest

    Congrats on the progress! Keep going!
  12. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Wow Zeddd, what a great report being with your family! I'm so glad you got to experience this.
  13. Just wanted to grab the quote in case this moved to the next page so everyone could see your great report.

    Congratulations on your continued recovery and very positive outlook. I really like the way you can compare before and after beginning your journey and how it impacts your feelings and interaction with others. There is so much more to gain!

    Best wishes for continued success!
  14. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 35....It's hard to believe that I've not looked at porn or MO'd for 35 days. Before starting this journey, I couldn't imagine not getting off at least every other day. But, honestly, without porn, MO has little appeal to me. And I'm not ever really horny except when I'm with the guy I've been seeing for the past 6 weeks. I'm looking forward to spending the upcoming weekend with him. This will be our 3rd weekend together. So far, re-wiring with him has been a great experience...my performance sexually each time has gotten better and better. But, I'm keeping my expectations in check, given the non-linear nature of recovery. Whatever happens, I know we'll have a good time... in, and out of bed.

    That's all I've got today. Stay strong my friends. It's worth it!
  15. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Great report, Zeddd!!

    I am amazed too. I had almost gotten to the point where I thought something like this entirely impossible. I don't think that way anymore! I am very very pleased with recovery. I have found what I want with my life, and this is it!
  16. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 39 Just returned from a weekend with the guy I've been seeing for the past 6 weeks or so weeks. This was our third weekend together. It was pretty low key, as I have a stress fracture of my right fibula and my foot is in a soft cast. We watched movies, cooked, ran errands...nothing terribly exciting. But, I really enjoy spending time with him.

    In terms of sex, I continue to make improvements. The sight of him naked gave me a spontaneous erection with no stimulation whatsoever. That's a definite improvement. And, it pretty much stay fully hard the entire time. Also a definite improvement. I'm pretty sure I could have penetrated him, but we were having fun doing other things, so I decided to wait. My penis is more sensitive compared to the last time I was with him...oral sex felt really good, though I wasn't even close to having an orgasm. Of course, I got pleasure from bringing him to orgasm!

    Overall, rewiring is going really well. Erections are dramatically better. Penis sensitivity is improving but isn't where it needs to be in order for me to have an orgasm. So, I'm obviously going to continue no PMO and no MO....it's working!

    Stay strong everyone. It's worth it!
  17. markp

    markp New Member

    It's encouraging to hear your optimism :)
  18. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi Mark, I'm glad that my journal is encouraging to you! So far, this journey has not been easy, but I'm finding the rewards to be more than worth the efforts. Stay strong, my friend!
  19. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    I'm past the 40 day mark....something about round numbers makes it feel like a milestone!

    I've been doing some reflecting over the past few days about the guy Ive been seeing. My sexual experiences with him have been great. My performance improving each time we're together. I'm physically very attracted to him and he's so f'ing nice. BUT, I'm coming to the realization that perhaps we're not a good match intellectually. I find our conversations mundane and a bit boring as he doesn't follow current events or politics. He'd rather discuss the best paint to use to paint the house or why rice pasta is better than wheat pasta, etc.

    When I stopped PMOing / MOing I had an emotional need for a connection and he filled that need. Someone to care about how my day went, etc. Not to mention my desire and need for a physical connection. Someone to rewire with. All of that has been great. And I don't want to give that up. I need that right now. But I'm feeling a sense of sadness knowing this isn't going to work out long term. I think he senses this too.

    I suppose I should seek out dates with others (we haven't discussed it, but I'm sure he's seeing other people). I've just never been very good at juggling more than one guy at a time. But, part of this journey is learning new ways to live and experience life. So, I know I've got to do it.

    So, I'm in a bit of a quandary. I'd love any advise anyone has to offer...
  20. Giles

    Giles Member

    I have been talking to my therapist about some of these issues recently. I have recently started dating and it can be so confusing having conflicting thoughts and feelings about people. I think there are people we connect with intellectually, others we connect with emotionally and still more that we connect with physically/sexually. Ideally, in a partner it would be nice to have all of these aspects... And then there are practical considerations, the one person I know that ticks all these boxes for me lives overseas... :(

    What's difficult is the emotional connection though because it can be difficult to find that and it is something that is difficult to give up if you have that with someone. It might be a good idea to discuss this with him and see where he is and if he is seeing other people. I think it is okay to be with him emotionally and physically for your rewiring whilst looking for intellectual stimulation elsewhere and for someone who meets all of your needs... Good luck with things.

Share This Page