Zeddd's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Zeddd, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Zeddd! Congrats on the successful date! This guy sounds amazing and understanding, just what the doctor ordered. Rewiring with no expectations will be nice. I'm so impressed that you took the gamble to talk with him about your ED. Nice! Building intimacy from the start is the way to a long, healthy, mature relationship. Looking forward to hearing how this goes in the weeks ahead. When do you plan on starting the rewiring process?
  2. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks SORP! I am very fortunate!
  3. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks HIP, I could not be more pleased with how everything went. We've tentatively set up a date for next Wednesday...dinner and then "play time". By then, I'll have almost 30 days... but if my penis choses to play dead, I'll be fine with it and my partner will be fine with it. There's plenty of fun things we can do that don't involve my penis!
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    This is wonderful news Zeddd, I am really happy for you. It's great news for your continued progress. Well done for being so bold and communicating your issues...
  5. LOGOS

    LOGOS Personal Best - 233 Days PMO-free

    Open communication sets up a good foundation for all kinds of things, so kudos to you for seeing it through.

    I have found that most gay men I talk to intuitively understand the negative effects of porn; they have probably experienced it to some degree or can understand why others would have difficulties. And, since there's little judgment about porn itself (a curse in some ways), the discussion of PMO-related problems like PIED is a lot more straightforward, not derailed into: ew! gross! Here's a place where straight folk have a harder road.
  6. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Much agreed, BSM. The openness about porn in the gay community isn't all bad, I guess, in this respect. I'd not considered this before.

    Ever since ditching PMO I've started noticing more and more guys dropping little clues that they may have at least some PIED. Last night, for example, I was out with friends, and somehow the question of whether a girl giving a gay guy head could arouse him just from sensation. To which my buddy responded, "I can hardly get it up from a blow job all, even with a guy!" I didn't say anything, but I was thinking, "Hmmm, sounds familiar."

    Zeddd, I'm so impressed with your attitude with this. Dropping the expectations will help you feel more relaxed, which means the chances of things working below are probably much improved. That's the benefit of having an open, direct conversation about this with our sexual partners. You've planted a bug, my friend. It may well be something I man up and do as well when the time comes for a bit of formal rewiring.
  7. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 25Lots to report today....Unexpectedly, my new friend invited me to spend the weekend at his home in Upstate New York. Of course, I jumped at the chance! We spent the entire weekend together, cooked out, watched movies, hiked....and enjoyed ourselves in bed. We'd already talked about my ED so there was not pressure to perform.

    And, it was an amazing, uninhibited rewiring experience. We have a great emotional connection... spent an hour making out, frottage, sucking (and more). Just having his naked body next to me felt so incredible. Amazingly, I got an erection right away with no manual stimulation...lasted about 30 minutes. Since I've been in flatline for the past 3 weeks, that was a pleasant surprise. It's clear that I have a way to go in this reboot, as my penis wasn't very sensitive when he sucked and played with me. And, I was never even close to an orgasm during the entire session. But, I got a lot of pleasure out of pleasing him and bringing him to orgasm. Second night went pretty much like the first. Also, a great experience.

    The best part is, he assured me that he was totally happy with the sexual experience (and I think he was being honest). He understands that my ED may take some time to resolve, but is wiling to be patient.

    I know I have a long way to go in this reboot, but I think having a supportive partner is going to move things along more quickly. Not to mention, I'm developing a strong bond with an amazing man!
  8. TiredOfEd

    TiredOfEd If not me, who? If not now, when?

    Sounds like you are making great progress Zeddd, and congrats on having the courage to be open and honest with what was originally just a potential partner, sounds like it has worked out well for both of you!

    As for the ED, it might help to keep in mind that there were actual physical changes that happened in your body to cause it. It takes time for the body to repair that. If you broke a leg, you wouldn't expect to be running on it in a month. Your body will heal (mine too, since I am in the same PIED boat), but it will take some time.

    Aside from that, great journal and congrats again on your progress so far!
  9. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    This is awesome, Zeddd! Congratulations! It sounds like you've not only made serious progress but that you've also met someone who appears to be a real keeper. The no expectations thing definitely helps eliminate nerves, and he sounds really understanding about the whole situation, which is amazing. Kudos to you for putting yourself out there, taking a risk, and reaping the rewards.
  10. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Wow Zeddd!!! I just got caught up on your journal! For some reason I wasn't getting notified of your posts so I was way behind. I had wondered what happened with the date, and now you've had a whole weekend. I am absolutely thrilled!!!! It's amazing he is so cool with your reboot. I loved all the creative sexual things you did and that you got hard. Oh man .... must have been so wonderful!

    I'm not very sensitive either, and I wonder how of that I'll get back. I used not to feel the end of my cock at all .... could pour hot or cold water over it and felt nothing, but now I actually do feel the temperature change. It's been a long time since I've had a blow job ... I hope that's my first reboot activity. :)

    I'm so happy for you Zeddd.
  11. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Great report, Zeddd.

    Although I am not gay in the slightest, I can imagine that this experience has meant a great deal to you and confirms your resolve to fulfill your recovery process.

  12. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks for the props, ToED, HIP, AB and Apueius! The cheerleading from this community is just awesome (and motivating)!

    Today was not a great day...I sprained my ankle a couple of days ago and it seems to be getting worse before it gets better. Ouch! Then, yesterday I pulled a muscle in my back while working out. It was hurting me all day. I was supposed to meet my friend for dinner (...and more), but had to cancel. That killed me cause I really wanted to be with him. And i wont be able to see him for Some time. So, I'm laying on a heating pad, watching Teen Wolf and feeling a bit sorry for myself. On the bright side, my friend keeps texting me, checking on me, etc. Knowing that he cares feels really good.

    Sexually, I still feel like I'm in flatline. No spontaneous urges whatsoever. Though, when I chat with my friend, I usually get a semi. Maybe that's what a normal sex drive should be like. Sadly, I've done PMO for so long, I don't really know what normal is.
  13. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Teen Wolf! Ha! Does that qualify as P?! :)

    Sorry to hear about your ankle, Zeddd. That sucks, especially since it's preventing you from seeing your new romantic interest. Hope you're more mobile and feeling better soon.

    As for "normal," I hear you on that one. Been so long since I've been hooked on PMO that I honestly can't even remember what my penis did before it. However, texting with a guy I'm interested in still gives me enough of a surge of dopamine to give me a semi, which I always interpret as an encouraging sign that there is still indeed some hope out there!

    Thanks for posting.
  14. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Zedd, HIP, yea, what is normal after so long PMO'ing??? I used to love reading erotic stories, and I think that messed me up for reality. :) ... and so did the PMO. Those guys were Hard On Supermen! ha ha .... but honestly, I wonder what is normal.

    If I can just get hard without touching myself in an intimate situation, that is what my goal is, and to maintain it as long as it takes to do the deed. :)

    It warms my heart Zeddd that you have a guy you're dating. I'm not jealous, I'm happy for you!
  15. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks for the heartfelt thoughts, AB! You're a really sweet guy. It's been well over 10 years since I've dated anyone, much less someone that I was REALLY interested in. I'm trying not to get too invested, too soon, but it's hard not to! The fact that it's a long distance relationship helps with that, though we do communicate in some manner every day (usually several times a day). One positive thing I've noticed is that when I have erotic thoughts they are about him rather than some porn fantasy. I see that as healthy rewiring.

    My back is somewhat better today, though the ankle is still painful. Sometimes I wonder if things happen to teach us a lesson. Not sure what I'm supposed to learn from this one. I've been very physically oriented for the past couple of years, going to the gym almost every day. Maybe it's a sign that I need more balance in my life....less time at the gym....more time being social.

    My father turns 80 on Saturday, so tomorrow I'm flying to Mississippi for a party. I have a wonderful family and am looking forward to seeing my folks, bothers, sisters, etc.

    That's all I've got today. Have a great day, everyone!

    P.S. HIP, Teen Wolf is my guilty pleasure. Don't judge!
  16. Giles

    Giles Member

    Hope you have a great weekend. All the best.
  17. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks Giles! Dreading the travel, but reconnecting with my folks will be awesome!
  18. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    I kind of welled up when you said you were going to visit your family and defined them as wonderful. My Dad is 84, Mom 79, and my relationship has never been good, and now I am their caretaker of sorts. Dad a stroke victim lives alone, and Mom in a nursing home so I'm there quite a bit.

    I remember my Dad's 80th birthday party. Mom and I weren't speaking, and everything was tense. Just a note: I came out to them over 20 years ago, and they still don't accept me for who I am. It's like that saying, "the elephant in the room" and no one dare speak of it. They are extremely religious Southern Baptists. I remember watching TV and masturbating in my room when I was about 12, mom threw open the door, yanked the sheets off me, called Dad to come look ...... obviously the turning point in my life. Mom said "Stop looking at those girls on TV. Girls don't like guys that do that, and you better stop or you'll never have a girlfriend." The FUNNY thing was I was watching "Beach Blanket Bingo" with Anette Funichello and Frankie Avalon, and I wasn't looking at the girls. ha ha ha ....

    Oh well, I learned to hide, and M'ing was my rebellion against my parents.

    Have a WONDERFUL trip. I hope you can post while you're there.
  19. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi AB, it's so sad that you parents chose not to accept you. They've robbed themselves of so much joy, as you are a stand up, kind-hearted guy.

    My parents are also strict Southern Baptists. When I first came out to them 26 years ago, they tried using the bible to dissuade me for "the homosexual lifestyle". We never cut ties or quit communicating but I never really talked with them about my life. When I entered my 2nd long term relationship something changed and they wanted to meet him. They ended up welcoming us both into their home during holidays and came to love Billy like a son-in-law. I respect my folks so much for finding a way to put their religious beliefs aside in order to be a part of my life (and later, my younger gay brother's life). They are still very religious, but evidently, they love my brother and me more than the church.
  20. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    I was raised Southern Baptist, too! Beginning to see a common thread here. At this point my parents and I are mostly estranged because they can't handle the gay thing. The interesting thing is that they want a relationship with me, just on their terms, which would mean my agreeing to be a second class citizen when I'm around them. No thanks. My father never even acknowledged that I was in a relationship the past six years! My mother tries to accept me, at least, but she's a product of a f*cked up family system and a repressive religious environment, so there's little hope.

    As RuPaul says, as gay people we don't get to choose our first families, but we do get to choose our second families. For those of us as lucky as you, Zeddd, there's no need for this. But for those like AB and myself it's the only route to sanity, love, and health. I'm jealous of you Zeddd, but I'm happy, too. Hopefully my parents will come around one day. I'm not holding my breath, and I don't plan to have much contact in the meantime, but if yours can come around, maybe mine will too at some point...

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