Zeddd's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Zeddd, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks for the support guys. It really helps to know that other men have had similar experiences and similar thoughts during this journey (ie, what I'm going through is "normal").

    Last night I had the best night of sleep since starting my reboot. It did wonders for my mental outlook! I can think better today...The depression has lifted a bit. Ahhh, there is hope!

    I'm still in flatline. I feel totally asexual. Being in this state gives me little motivation to be social, though I know I need to get out and be with people. I do have dinner plans on Saturday with a small group of acquaintances. Sadly, I can't really call them friends because during the years spent PMOing, I neglected social activities and never formed close bonds with anyone. But, at least now I'm working on changing that.

    I wish I could snap my fingers and have the life I want right now....Friends, a healthy, caring relationship. But, reality is, it's gonna take a lot of work. I'm just gonna take one day at a time and hope that slowly, but surely, I'll get there.
  2. Giles

    Giles Member

    You're doing great Zeddd. Well done for making it through the first couple of weeks and stay strong...
  3. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Working on Day 17...the past couple of days have not been easy. I had no idea withdrawal symptoms would be this bad. In particular, intense anxiety, like I could jump out of my skin. Having done a lot of reading, I know this is to be expected. I just need to get through this 3rd week.

    I'm still fully committed to the process. I've come this far, the worst is behind me (I gotta believe!), and I'm not gonna throw it away.

    So, now I'm gonna hit the gym, as I do every day. Then, I have dinner plans. Being around other people is something I desperately need right now.
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    Well done for sharing. It does get easier. All the best.
  5. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest


    Wishing you well today!
  6. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks for the well wishes, Giles and Astro Boy! Having "cheerleaders" on my side definitely helps with the motivation! I honestly could not do this without the help of this forum.

    Slept well two nights in a row. Still waking up at least once per night, but have been able to get back to sleep pretty quickly now. Had a weird dream last night that I ejaculated a huge load. That's all I remember, and I don't recall it being sexual. It wasn't like an orgasm. And, it wasn't a wet dream. What it means, who knows!

    I'm still not experiencing any urges during the day. I suppose I'm still in flatline. Ugh. For me, so much of being a man, a sexual being, is tied to that primal urge to fuck. Not having that urge right now makes me feel unmanly, weak, antisocial....like I'm just existing, not living.

    I'm feeling somewhat lonely right now. My old "friend", porn, is gone for good. But I'm taking steps to replace him. I had a nice dinner last night with a group of men. Though I definitely wasn't feeling social, I'm glad I got out of the house and had some human interaction.

    Despite the negative tone today, I know that I am making progress...sleeping better, brain fog lifting, increasing social interactions, increasing time at the gym (added cardio to lifting). I remain completely motivated to doing this. I want a better life that includes friends and eventually a caring relationship.
  7. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    The "detox" takes some time and can be less than pleasant. Keep at it, things will not be as bad in time.
  8. I've been no MO along with my partner, who is no PMO. I'm having the most vivid non-xual dreams! I thought it might be menopause. But since you and I probably only have giving up MO as similar characteristics, I would love to hear if anyone has this as well.

    I dreamed I crawled through a human sized mouse hole to get to a bathroom after driving a hoodless red truck through a mudhole. I wish I was kidding about that. It was very real and I woke up dry mouthed. Partner, who is no PMO has not reported dreams, but was very amused that I had that one.

    Oh, and hay - keep up the great work, I really want you to succeed!
  9. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 19
    I've slept well 3 nights in a row. That's a record! Mental state seems to be getting better to. Last week I had anxiety, bordering on panic attacks. Now, it's more like nervous energy. Still mildly depressed.

    Was texting last night with a guy I've had a few dates with over the past few weeks. We have great chemistry and I'm hoping it will go somewhere. Anyway, the texting got suggestive and I got a bit aroused. When we were done, I thought I'd see if I could get off MOing and thinking about him. It was an epic failure. I got maybe 50% hard and had almost no feeling in my penis. After 5 minutes I stopped. I guess I was stupid to think I'd see a change this early... I'm clearly still in flatline. Bummer. Weird thing is, I wake up in the middle of the night with a raging hard on and in the morning too. Obviously, these are just physiologic erections unrelated to arousal.

    I have a date with him on Wednesday which I'm looking forward to. There won't be any opportunity for sex, so I'm relieved that there won't be that pressure. But, when the opportunity for sex does come up in the future, what will I do? I'm afraid this flatline is going to be with me for a while.
  10. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Hey Zeddd... Don't forget. You are rebooting. You didn't get to this condition all in 18 days. . . See how you are doing at 45, 90, and 180 days ... What do you have to lose? Solo-sex isn't intimacy, btw. So, you have no idea as of yet how you might respond in recovery to a quality relationship with a real partner.
  11. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Outstanding and VERY helpful observations, Apuleius. So well put. Back to reality for me! Thank you so much.

    You are so right regarding rebooting. I'm being impatient rather than just going with the process....Ive got to accept where I am and be at peace with it. As you said, I've got nothing to lose. There's no way Im going back to the dark place where I started. I have so much to gain if I stay the course.

    And thanks for pointing out that wanking by myself isn't a good surrogate for how things will be with a loving partner. It was a stupid experiment that I don't plan on repeating.
  12. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 20
    I decided to start seeing a psychologist every week. My first appointment was today. I told him everything...how I've MO'ed to porn every day for the past few years, what it's taken away from me, my inability to have sex with a partner, PIED, etc. It felt good to unload all of that face-to-face. Unfortunately, he didn't seem very knowledgable about PIED. I'm hoping he'll educate himself before our next appointment. Nonetheless, he provided solid advise regarding my dating situation. Plus, in addition to this forum, he's an objective sounding board.

    Still flatline... Having no attraction to men makes me feel unattractive and mildly depressed. Also seems I'm in a weird no win situation...not feeling sexual, but feeling a longing for human connection. Thankfully, I have a date tomorrow with someone I've been seeing a bit over the past month. The interaction will be good for me, I'm sure.
  13. LOGOS

    LOGOS Personal Best - 233 Days PMO-free

    Hi Zeddd

    Just (finally) catching up with your journal. I understand the frustration with flatlining. Maybe you can make lemonade out of it by thinking of yourself as using this unique opportunity, ultimately very short in the span of life, to find out the positive sides of not having sexual feelings so much in the mix of day to day life. You can notice what you enjoy and miss about them, yes, but also what other kinds of interactions seem more fulfilling or newly important. I worked on enjoying the pleasures of being friendly and genuine in my interactions with strangers, like sales clerks or people at the gym. As well as giving equal attention to the beautiful, the plain, and the ugly. At any rate, something like this can make flatlining --- an unavoidable process in the reboot --- a more positive experience.

    On one other note: emotional work. I saw you quoted me earlier about saying I think emotional/spiritual work is essential. I wouldn't say that a person who doesn't undertake some kind of work like this is "doomed to failure," only that from observing this site, people who are more attuned to doing that work seem to be having an easier reboot. Bear in mind, emotional/spiritual work need not mean churning up some really deep or dark stuff .... ancient hidden conflicts or anything like that. It can be as simple as noticing: I'm sad. I'm tired. I'm lonely. I'm stressed. Becoming more aware of our feelings in any given moment, accepting we are having them, allowing them to pass naturally rather than stuffing them down with unhealthy behavior ... that's everyday emotional work that doesn't involve deep seeking or anything like that. And, it's more like what I had in mind. Just two (more) cents. Keep up the good work.

  14. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks BSM for taking the time to review my journal and provide advise. I really need and value the input of someone who's been on this journey much longer than me.

    I like your idea of making the most of this flatline period. I've got to try to take the focus off of what I don't have...channel that energy into positive interactions.

    And thanks for the clarification on emotional work. What you said makes sense. In the past, it was easy to deal with stress, sadness, etc by PMOing. That dopamine surge took care of everything. Without that "medication", these feelings are now real and not going anywhere. Learning how to just feel them is something foreign to me. That's one reason I decided to start seeing a psychologist.... Someone to help me sort these feelings out as needed along the way.

    So, thanks again for the sound advise! I'd never make it without the support of you and the other great men on this forum.
  15. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Hey Zeddd, I wish our Reboot could be faster too. In the night I sometimes reach down for some very light touch to see if I might respond, and I do a little, about 25% and it kind of bums me out, but it really is early in the game for both of us.

    I was wondering how the date went.
  16. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi AB, reading your journal today really helped me put the time required for reboot in perspective. When we consider the rest of our lives, what's 30, 60, 100 days really? So, thanks for helping me be patient.

    My date is this evening, so I'll give a full report tomorrow!
  17. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Heya, Zeddd. Best of luck on your date tonight! As for the flatline, I'm sorry to hear that it's still going on, but it does seem like a good opportunity to get to know this guy you're talking to without only thinking with your dick. Could be a real blessing, ultimately. Looking forward to the update!
  18. Giles

    Giles Member

    Looking forward to your report - hope things went well.
  19. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 21
    So, I had a date last night with a guy I'm very interested in. It was our 4th date over the course of a month (though we text and chat almost every day). It was awesome! We met in NYC...ate dinner at an out-of-the-way Italian restaurant and then just walked around Chelsea and to the Hudson Park pier. Came across a group of older folks tango dancing and just watched for awhile. We held hands, talked, made out.

    I decided the time was right to talk openly about my erection problems. I just told him I was going through some stuff, seeing a psychologist about it and that it would get better over time. He was so great about it. We talked about intimate things we could do in the interim...frottage, massage, butt play, etc. The more we talked, the more he actually got into it. I think he sees this as an exciting new sensual/sexual experience for himself too. We plan to get together again next week...I'm excited about starting rewiring with him, with no pressure or expectation to "perform".

    Another observation I just had...I need to plan things (like these dates) and have things to look forward to. It GREATLY helps my outlook and attitude.
  20. I'm very happy for you! You are on your way, Zeddd!

    The thing that is pretty great about karezza is the "rules" are your "rules" as a couple. It is great that you have someone that you can slowly discover as you heal.

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