Zeddd's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Zeddd, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 9...feeling good. I've been chatting/texting with D (the guy who was the impetus for starting my journey) almost every day since I saw him last. Yesterday, he mentioned that he MO'd thinking about me and how much I turned him on. Knowing someone feels that way about me feels really, really good.

    Today, after a nap, I found myself fantasizing about being with him (based on when we were together before) and got a raging hard on without even touching myself. I was very tempted to MO but let the moment pass and didn't. I'm committed to my next O being shared with another man (...and I expect it will be with him).

    The fact that I was able to get fully erect thinking about a real life experience (and with no touching) rather than a porn fantasy seems like progress to me. I'm thinking this is gonna work!

    Well, off to the gym!
  2. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Day 10...

    I recently read some posts indicating that unless deep seated emotional issues are addressed, efforts to quit are doomed to failure. For example,

    "But, having been on this site awhile, my sense is that guys who do not address the emotional/spiritual dimensions of PMO addiction have a really hard time seeing their way toward resolving their PIED"

    "It's not as easy as cutting out just porn but what good does it do if it's not really helping but just patching up some spots that will crack open again."

    This made me think long and hard about what drove me to porn. Frankly, I don't think I have any deep seated emotional issues. I'm very comfortable with my sexuality...I've been out to my parents and family since my 20's and am totally out to friends and coworkers. I've had two healthy long term relationships in the past. I have a great relationship with my parents. I had a great childhood and wasn't abused in any way. Generally, I'm very happy...I have a great job and a few close friends.

    I think what drove me to porn was laziness. I work a demanding job and it was easier to go home after work and satisfy my sexual needs via PMOing. Rather than spend the time required to meet someone and establish a relationship, I got in the habit of PMOing. Now, I do crave a loving, emotional connection with someone (that includes sex). And the way to get that is to break the cycle of PMO / MO through rebooting and then rewiring.

    As I continue this journey, maybe I'll have some further realizations. But as of right now, I'm gonna keep it simple...no PMO, no MO, and keep coming back to this site on a daily basis for support.
  3. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Simple is best. You're doing great, Zed. Keep the fire burning, man.
  4. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks my friend! I'm feeling really good! Off to the gym!!!
  5. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Working on Day 11....didn't sleep well last night. Weird how that seems to come and go.

    Total flatline today...no sexual desire whatsoever. I know that's to be expected, but I hate it. I've read some guys embrace this period as it make it easier to abstain. For me, it feels like a part of me is missing. That internal fire. I'd rather fight the urge to MO than not have the urge at all. It's a moot point though...the situation is what it is. I can't change it. Just accept. :-[

    I do find myself wondering what would happen if I was with a guy right now. Would the desire be there? Would I be able to perform? I know it's too early...just a random thought.

    Though my house needs lots of attention, I find myself with little motivation to do anything today. Nonetheless, I'm going to commit myself to tackling one room today. Get one room clean and tidy. If I can do that, I think it will help my outlook.
  6. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Getting closer to my initial goal. Feeling good about that. Flatline right now....no urge to MO or look at porn. But, as mentioned previously, not liking this flatline feeling. How long is this gonna last?

    Accomplished a goal I set yesterday for getting my house in better order. Plus hit the gym. It was hard as I had no motivation. But I did it, and today I'm proud of myself for pushing through.

    Anyway, that's where I am today.
  7. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Welcome! You can do this.
  8. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks for the encouragement, Omega!

    Past few days were not great...depressed, anxious, foggy, flatline. BUT, today I'm feeling better...hopeful, calm. I'm really thankful for the success stories that are posted here. When I'm feeling doubt (which is a lot of the time), I read a couple of those and know that I'm doing the right thing...it's just gonna take getting some time under my belt. Gotta be patient.

    I'm trying to keep my desire for a relationship front and center at all times...this gives me the drive I need to push through another day with no PMO, no MO.

    Hitting the gym after work today....feeling really good about the progress I'm making there! The extra time is paying off.
  9. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Those will pass. You need some time for the biochemical stuff to rebalance, could be up to 40 days. it's worth it. Don't give in. Experience it for yourself. The toughest struggles are at the beginning, then they taper off.
  10. Great attitude! Shelve that doubt. You're doing the right thing.

    Good luck
  11. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks Omega Man and SO Reboot Partner. Your insights and support are invaluable. I'm definitely experiencing withdrawal symptoms (anxious, trouble sleeping, mild depression, headaches, etc.). I know it will pass eventually, so I'm taking this one day at a time....and using the tips suggested by guys who have succeeded to get through it. Nonetheless, this is an incredibly hard time. I hope it gets better soon.
  12. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Heya, Zeddd, thanks for posting. I don't have much more time under my belt than you, but I can tell you that the first three weeks were much different than the past week. In the past few days in particular the brain fog and fatigue have really started to subside. So have the depression and lethargy. The mood swings and rushes of craving/anger/anxiety are still going, but I think I'm finally getting used to them. All of this is to say that time is your friend when it comes to withdrawal. Do what it takes to put one foot in front of the other and trust that in time, as your brain resets itself, that this other junk will fade away and you'll be better off than you've ever been. Stay strong, brother.
  13. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    The first two weeks are the toughest for most here. It will not be as intense the more days you get behind you. Best to steel yourself through this. If you slip, do not binge or get too down about it. Just keep going.

    I think a lot of my initial slips were due to mental resistance to really letting go of the porn. A part in the back of my brain still wanted to go back eventually on smaller scale. Other veterans here use the phrase "porn is not an option" for the mindset one needs, and it's really true. As long as porn is an option, you will struggle. Once it is no longer an option, the struggles lessen dramatically.

    That and the biochemical changes of course.
  14. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks Human in Progress. I feel like I'm drowning and with those words you threw me a life preserver. Yes, I'm gonna hold on, keep the faith and trust the process. I really want this. Thank you again, my friend.
  15. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks, my friend for the kind words of encouragement. Very helpful to get through this period when my brain chemistry is so messed up.

    I can see the importance of adopting the "porn is not an option" mindset. Right now, I don't feel the pull of porn, just the uncomfortable withdrawal symptoms that I assume are related to out of whack brain chemistry. I'm encouraged to hear from you and others that this will get better. I've just got to persevere.
  16. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Glad to see you staying the course, Zeddd ! Let's both get past these first wretched three weeks !
  17. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks Apuleius! One day at a time is my philosophy. As bad as I feel right now, the good news is that I don't see MOing or PMOing as a path to feeling better. Quite the opposite, in fact. So, my resolve is strong! And, I'm glad to have you as a companion on this journey! Onward!
  18. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    I reached my initial goal today. Two full weeks behind me. I'm gonna up my goal to 30 days now!

    Right now, the sleep disturbances are what bother me the most. I wake up at 4 am and have trouble getting back to sleep. Then, I'm tired the next day and feel cranky. The good news is, when I wake up, I generally have a firm erection. With no libido right now, knowing I still have erectile capability gives me a mental boost....right now, there's a disconnect between my waking brain and my penis, but I know it will work when the time comes!

    So, on to week three...
  19. Omega Man

    Omega Man Everything counts.

    Congrats! Keep up the great work. The physical stuff will settle down once you get past 30, maybe even sooner.
  20. HumanInProgress

    HumanInProgress New Member

    Congratulations! (or as RuPaul says, Condragulations :) ) The first two weeks were the hardest for me. Week three got better, and then in week four some clarity returned. Just think, the worst is now behind you, so it only makes sense to keep going forward. (At least, that's what I say to my self when tempted to MO).

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]I've thought this very same thing many times. Sometimes I'll be super horny, but my penis just doesn't respond. I've conditioned it to respond to PMO. We all just have to trust that this will all be sorted out in the reboot. Plenty of reboot accounts affirm this, so it'll be true for us, too. The only question is the time frame.

    [font=verdana, arial, helvetica, sans-serif]As for flatlining, I agree. Some say it's a blessing, but the times it has cropped up for me were scary. Like you, I'd rather be fighting the urge to MO than be in a flatline. That's probably because one of the reasons I'm doing this reboot is to feel virile and reclaim my manhood. It isn't all about the penis, but the penis seems to be the ultimate litmus test.

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