Zeddd's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Zeddd, Aug 11, 2013.

  1. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi everyone,

    I'm a 53 year old gay man and have been using porn most of my life. Porn use was rare when I was in my 20s and 30s while I was in a long-term relationship (which ended when he died). After that, rather than try to establish a new relationship, I threw myself into work and used porn as an outlet for getting off. I rationalized that I didn't want another relationship, which made the porn use ok in my mind. During this time, I made very few connections with other gay men (even for friendships). For many years I PMOed two-to-three times a week. But about a year ago I discovered free online porn and my use escalated to every day (and more on weekends). Poppers, which are big in the gay community, have been a big part of my porn use also. They intensify the dopamine rush during orgasm. At this point, I can't even MO without porn and poppers.

    Recently I met someone that I could see myself with long term. When we were together in bed for the first time, I was only able to get semi-erect (much less orgasm) even though I was really into him. He was understanding and it was still a good experience. The great thing about meeting this guy is that it made me realize that I do, in fact, want to share my life with someone. Whether it works out with him or not, this is something that I want. And to have that, I've got to stop porn forever.

    I actually began trying to quit a couple of weeks ago and started a log. Over that time, I've PMOd 4 times (which is an improvement over every day). What made me go back was that after a few days of no porn, my libido was nil and I wanted to "test" to see if things still worked. That was before I discovered YBOP. Now, I understand that the loss of libido is to be expected after withdrawal from porn.

    Currently, I'm at day 4 of no MO, no PMO. The first 3 days I had no sexual feelings whatsoever and was mildly depressed. Interestingly, last night I woke up with a raging hard on. I didn't touch it and just went back to sleep. That experience actually helped with the depression as it made me feel that perhaps things are going to be ok down there. Anyhow, I'm committed to my next sexual experience being with another human being. Until then, no MO (and certainly no PMO!).

    My plan: I've cleared out all DVDs and porn on my computer. I already work out at the gym nearly every day, so I'm going to double up on that. Plus, during my porn use, I neglected many things around my home. So, I plan on using my energies to clean, organized, etc.

    I'm so happy I found this site, as I now have great hope. Thanks everyone for the support!

  2. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Welcome aboard, Zedd. Four days is well-started. Your plans sound good. Let's do this.
  3. Giles

    Giles Member

    Welcome Zedd, you are in the right place to deal with this. Good luck with things...
  4. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Just checking in...seems my emotions are a roller coaster. One minute I'm happy and full of hope, the next I'm feeling irritable and down. It's hard to concentrate at work today and little things irritate me (though I'm doing well at hiding this from my coworkers, I hope).

    Only fleeting urges to view porn, which are easy to dismiss (at least right now). I had a sex dream last night (don't remember the particulars) and woke with a full erection. Didn't fool around with it and was able to get back to sleep after a few minutes.

    Anyway, that's where I'm at today. Going to the gym after work to keep myself busy and blow off steam.

  5. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Welcome Zedd !

    You appear to be off to a splendid start and moving in the right direction. Let's walk free and know inner peace.
  6. Giles

    Giles Member

    Yeah, the roller coaster of emotions will settle down... Just stay strong and focused for the first couple of weeks and things will get easier...
  7. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Made it another day! Yesterday I spent a lot of time reading PIED recovery success stories on the YBOP site. These success stories are exactly what need right now. The sheer number of men who have returned to normal sexual functioning tells me this will work! Hanging onto that hope is what's keeping me going right now. One day at a time...no porn and no MO!
  8. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Just home from the gym...found myself admiring men with buff bodies (I'm gay, btw). This wasn't associated with any sexual urges. What's interesting is that while PMOing, I never really gave other men at the gym a second glance. Don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing (or neither). Just an observation at day 6.
  9. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Another day...closing in on one week! I haven't gone this long without MO in over two years!

    I've continued to have night time erections...woke up fully hard at 2 am (I hope this continues as it makes me feel that things are still in working order down there!) Funny, there weren't any sexual thoughts going through my head and thankfully, I had little desire to stroke it. Went back to sleep. Woke up again at 5 am and then had trouble getting back to sleep. This isn't normal for me. I guess it's related to rebooting. Tired today as a result. Don't think I will be able to get to the gym, which bums me out.

    Still feeling irritable, though seems just a little better every day. Thankfully, things at work are slow, so little stress on that front.

    Anyway, that's where I am today. Thankful for this forum. I know I would not be able to do this alone.

  10. midge

    midge Guest

    One week down, no problem! You're knocking it out, Zeddd. You're doing all the right stuff. Keep reading/watching at YBOP site, and reading and posting here. Just staying involved here has been a key part of my success so far. Keep up the good work!
  11. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi Midge, thanks for the encouragement! I have been reading success stories constantly. These give me lots of comfort and reason for optimism. If it works for so many others, it will work for me too. I gotta believe that...
  12. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Half way to my initial goal! That feels good. Slept well last night, so I'm planning a hard workout at the gym after work. So far, I'm doing really well at keeping porn fantasies at bay. A fleeting image will pop in my head, but I quickly dismiss it.

    One thing that makes this tougher for me...I'm really close to several people that I work with. Known them for 15 years...we share everything about our lives. But this one thing, one of the hardest things I've ever had to face, I can't share with them. I have to pretend everything is fine. Putting on that act every day with people who really know you is not an easy task. In fact, it's exhausting.
  13. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Hey Zeddd! Great going, brother !

    I think we do get to share this with those closest, perhaps in the most important way: We get to share our new, vibrant selves with them !! Just as before, we did not speak of our addiction to P with those closest, yet it affected EVERYONE around us in all but incalculable ways, they now get the person we were meant to be for them all along. This is our silent amends to everyone in our lives as we recover.
  14. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi Apuleius, thanks for giving me another, much more positive, way to view the situation with my friends/coworkers. I'm a bit depressed (fighting it) so positive thoughts such as these are much appreciated!
  15. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Zedd, I told my best male friend about what I was doing, but didn't go into any detail at all, just that I had a goal of 90 days of no jo and no porn. He didn't say much about it, but then I got to about day 10 or so and mentioned it so he would maybe give me support, he made a comment, "oh yea, you're doing that thing that someone has convinced you it's wrong to masturbate." ....

    Well, I gave him a brief explanation about the addiction part ... and he never brings it up anymore. I wasn't really offended, but I expected a little more, but it's probably because he has addictions of his own.

    Point being, I have no one but you and the very kind fellows on here. Seriously this forum is my life line.

  16. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Thanks for the comment, AB. Unless someone is going through this, they can't imagine what a struggle it is. So, like you, the men on this forum are my only source of support...and an awesome source of support, for which I'm deeply thankful.
  17. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Zedd, It's interesting that I reach for support from all of you on this forum as I used to reach for porn. When I have my coffee in the morning (as I am doing now) I reach for my laptop to read and respond here. I used to PMO.

    Before bed I do a final check for journals that I am following, but before it would be PMO before bed.

    There is so much to read, and we all can't be in constant contact, but to you Zedd and other that I banter back and forth with, "Thank You".

    Today is DAY 38 in large part because of all of you.
  18. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Same here, AB....I've replaced PMO with YBR. And its working! Glad you're here, glad I'm here (and everyone else who's trying to regain a better life)! Kudos on day 38, my friend!
  19. I really like and admire your attitude, Zeddd. Your reaction to organ non-cooperation - "we had fun anyway" made me smile. Yes, more of this for everybody!

    I don't know if your approach to bedroom performance anxiety is just who you are or the result of life experiences, but it will take you far. (Most people are not so cool about it)

    Best wishes for success! :)
  20. Zeddd

    Zeddd New Member

    Hi SO RP, Thanks for that! But I give a lot of credit to the sweet guy I was with for turning that potentially awkward experience into a good one!

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