ZDUs Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ZimDownUnder, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Giles, many thanks! This is an intriguing breathing-and-visualization technique. Another tool for the arsenal!
  2. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Take up a sport, ZDU. Get your heart rate up for at least 20-30 minutes. This will blow out the crappy build-up in your brain chemistry, release dopamine, and relieve stress/tension. You won't need to PMO. For the first 3 weeks, you just don't PMO, even if your ass falls off. The physical addiction will not subside until you get past 21 days. This is the same with all addictions (e.g., smoking, heroin, etc.). We all had to go through that first 3 weeks of hell. The sooner you get past it, the sooner you can begin to know peace. So long as you keep relapsing within 21 days, you stay in perpetual withdrawals. In other words, your life sucks.
  3. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    LOL, Apuleius!

    By the way, wanted to finally acknowledge what you and ZDU both wisely wrote about that truism a while back, about God not giving you anything you can't handle. I concur that, for far too many people, far too many times, that hasn't been true ... in real life. Sometimes people can fall apart under life's challenges.

    I guess I meant that as an inspiration for tough times ... as something to personally believe in, because it may help. And not as an absolute truth in any sense. I choose to believe it, at any rate, because it's one more tool in my arsenal in getting through those times.
  4. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I like what Giles said, that focusing on the positive and masturbating less frequently has to be is a good thing. Every 10 days is better than daily. Daily does not easily lead to 90, but every 10 days is leading in that direction, the brain is still getting a rewiring job done to it, getting accustomed to longer and longer PMO free moments. If 10 days is reachable, maybe set the next goal for a little longer and progressively increase it as you can. When I got from daily to 1-2 week stretches, before I got on this forum, that paved the way to going longer.

    I also like what Apuleius said, that it's important to break through those tough days and that exercise may really help.
  5. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Don't give up ZDU. You'd be telling me the same.
  6. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Hi everyone

    I have been kinda quiet on here, I guess the main reason being because I was relapsing. That made me feel bad to the point that I felt like a failure and that it was a waste of time and I just will never change. This is tough there is no question about it. The irony is that whilst I can relate this difficulty in overcoming addiction to my addiction to alcohol, I just can't seem to find any release from addiction to masturbating to porn.

    The fears are the same as with giving up alcohol - that life will be dull and boring and nothing can compare to the pleasure and rush of using. There is that part of me that does not want to give up the pleasure of PMO because it fears the empty void that it will leave in my life. What maintains a glimmer of hope for me is that I *was* able to stop the daily addiction to alcohol and that the void that was left without my dear friend alcohol is not as big and gaping as I feared. I really used to fear life without alcohol and couldn't imagine it as it had been such a big part of my life since I was a child. The same with PMO I guess.

    In many ways overcoming alcohol addition was a bit easier as I went to daily meetings and had the support and vigilance of my family for the first couple of months until I was over the hump. There is no daily meeting, no sponsor, no one who watches or is vigilant with PMO though - its entirely up to me and my willpower and my willpower alone is just not enough.

    It's easy to tell myself that I am a failure and I can never change so I should just give up and accept that I am literally a sad little wanker and will be for the rest of my life. But somewhere inside there is something that tells me that is not true, that is just my depression talking and its not a rational truth. I did change my life with regard to alcohol, I can change my life with regard to this as well. Yes, its hard, but hard does not mean impossible. If it were that easy it would not be addiction!

    All I can do is start over. I do identify with what Apuleius said about the first three weeks being the hardest - I remember that well from overcoming alcohol addiction. I just had to do anything and everything to not take a drink at any cost. I can see that this is the same -I have to do anything and everything to just not edge or PMO for those first few weeks and it will get better. Easier said than done!

    Exercise has been tough. I have been forced to be sedentary for several months now due to a work injury and surgery so my fitness is way down. I have been swimming a few times as that is fairly easy going on the body. Being unemployed means I have plenty of time to exercise but depression kills the motivation to exercise as well - its a vicious cycle.

    At this point it would be easy to say that this is just like many other things I have tried in life and lost interest in after a couple of months, and just go back to my old ways. Its like that with gym memberships, hobbies. I don't really stick to anything for long - except PMO! I guess that is the all consuming pastime that pushes out any competition.

    Anyway, I am still here, so all hope is not lost. The support here means a lot and is part of the reason I keep hoping I can take this journey with some degree of success because others have before me so it is possible.

    Thanks, ZDU
  7. cadcard

    cadcard Guest

    I started to read your thread, you and I are very much alike. I am an alcoholic that hasn't drank in 9 years as well as a person that was molested at 15 yo.

    I can say without a shadow of a doubt that my involvement with alcohol was a direct result of having been molested a couple of times. That being said, that was then, this is today. I stay in the day, I don't worry about tomorrow or regret anything that I did yesterday.

    If you gained sobriety from AA, please remember the "three days of the week":

    There are two days in every week about which we should not worry, two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.

    One of these days is YESTERDAY with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control.

    All the money in the world cannot bring back Yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed; we cannot erase a single word we said... Yesterday is gone
    The other day we should not worry about is TOMORROW with its possible adversaries, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.

    Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendor or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in Tomorrow for it is as yet unborn..
    This leaves only one day... TODAY. Any man can fight the battle of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful entities... Yesterday & Tomorrow that we break down.

    It is not the experience of Today that drives men mad – it is remorse or bitterness for something which happened Yesterday and the dread of what Tomorrow may bring.


    Remember, easy does it.
  8. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Hey ZDU. I don't think I have much to offer tonight as I am feeling somewhat dejected, but I wanted to acknowledge it was good to see you posting again. Sorry it's not going well. I can relate to "That there is that part of me that does not want to give up the pleasure of PMO because it fears the empty void that it will leave in my life." For me it more like "there is that part of me that fears the empty void that IS my life."

    It's good to read though you felt the same about alcohol and was able able to get over the fears. "I really used to fear life without alcohol and couldn't imagine it as it had been such a big part of my life since I was a child."

    Hang in there buddy.
  9. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Understood. Been there. The shame of acting out has at times made me not want to talk, not to admit that I was doing that. The fact that you posted is terrific!


    Hang in there, ZDU. And RR! It's good to be back on here, even for a few moments, and see that you're struggling. (In hindsight, that sounds like a weird thing to say, but I really believe it.) Hey, that's GOOD. Every day we don't give up, that we're fighting, struggling, is a good day. A whole lot better than the alternative ... even if it doesn't feel like it right at that time.
  10. Giles

    Giles Member

    Stay strong ZDU. Wishing you well.
  11. lmartyw

    lmartyw Guest

    Think of you ZDU. I have never had addiction to alcohol, but have seen it destroy many lives in my family, and my closest friend is a functional alcoholic, and apparently you understand what it takes to overcome it. Surely you see you have what it takes to be disciplined to do what you know you must do.

    Like I said, I don't pretend to know what alcoholism is all about but, but I know it takes discipline as does going to the gym, a hobby, daily healthy rituals ... and my experience, one gives strength to the other. Often failing in one weakens the chain. Mine diciplines are, eating well, exercise, a daily journal, checking this forum once a day, keeping a log of my efforts, getting enough sleep, reading to feed my mind with creative fiction and real life problem solving, living an orderly planned life and doing these things even when I don't feel like it. Everyone of these things affect how I approach PMO/MO addiction.

    One other simple thing I do. When I am feel like I want to MO or PMO, I don't resist it but let it pass through me like a wave. I imagine that if I feel all of what it is, then let it pass through without the act, it doesn't surprise me when it comes again and I know what it feels like on the other side. It works for me. Choose instead of resisting is just words, but I've made it way of life in sickness, loneliness, fear, anger .... I experience it, define it with feeling and let it just pass through.

    I say all this humbly because I am not over my addiction, nor am I rewired, or have I experienced any sex at all since I began, but I am hopeful.

    My best to you ZDU.
  12. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I'm sending you positive thoughts ZDU!

    I like your one day at a time post cadcard.
  13. colimpool

    colimpool Active Member

    hello brother,

    sorry to read the sadness shining like a beacon. really and truthfully there is no other way to quit than to quit. don't go back, whatever the pull, leave your home and go outside and walk it off. instead of edging come on here and post how you are feeling, that will stand you in good stead to read over how much this process changes your thinking and therefore writing. no matter your circumstances there are people a lot worse off than you.

    one thing IS for sure. your life will not be empty without P or PMO. it will flourish. i know it looks like there will be a hole but by the time you get to the hole it will be filled up. this takes time and will power. read a lot of journals here and understand that your are far from lonely, play more of a part on these forums, frankly you have the time, and you will receive back far more than you put in.

    give it a month without porn. and if you feel no differently go back to it. i guarantee by the time the month is up YOU WILL NOT WANT TO GO BACK. but first things first you have to learn the ability to deny yourself something, like you did with alcohol. just deny it. look at www.yourbrainonporn.com the resources are incredible.

    your brain will undergo fundamental and positive changes. this is nothing to be scared of in fact it is to be welcomed. i am here, use me. having recently found a way out, what i have done is fresh in my mind. if you think i can help in any way. then i will.
  14. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I see you're at 4days 8hours. Good to see. Hope all is going well!
  15. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    ASG wrote:
    and now 6 days plus. Hoping all is going well too, ZDU!
  16. better_reward

    better_reward High-speed connection is an oxymoron.™

    Looking forward to having you back ZDU whenever you're ready.
  17. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Hoping all is well with you ZDU.
  18. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    Just checking your journal to see if you're around. Hope you're well.

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