Totally 'get' that. I can go to that place very easily, as well. I can readily think of things I could have done but didn't, or messed up, when caring remotely for both my ill parents at various times. I can think of work mistakes. I can focus on anything I did but shouldn't, didn't do but should have, or didn't do 'right,' in my past, and just wallow. If it helps, think of Jimmy Carter. He left office with many highly unfavorable perceptions, but became warmly thought of for everything from his Habitat for Humanity work to seeking to protect the integrity of elections around the world. Richard Nixon became something of an 'elder statesman' in his later years. There are any number of former gang-bangers who now devote their lives to making their communities better, mentoring young men at risk, even at physical risk to themselves. The story about your former fiancé and stepson is heartbreaking, as well as what you were feeling at the festival today. In every tragedy, in all pain, there is opportunity. We've given gifts that don't always look like gifts, or feel much like them, at first. Thanks for your painful honesty, ZDU.