ZDUs Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ZimDownUnder, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Totally 'get' that. I can go to that place very easily, as well. I can readily think of things I could have done but didn't, or messed up, when caring remotely for both my ill parents at various times. I can think of work mistakes. I can focus on anything I did but shouldn't, didn't do but should have, or didn't do 'right,' in my past, and just wallow.

    If it helps, think of Jimmy Carter. He left office with many highly unfavorable perceptions, but became warmly thought of for everything from his Habitat for Humanity work to seeking to protect the integrity of elections around the world. Richard Nixon became something of an 'elder statesman' in his later years. There are any number of former gang-bangers who now devote their lives to making their communities better, mentoring young men at risk, even at physical risk to themselves.

    The story about your former fiancé and stepson is heartbreaking, as well as what you were feeling at the festival today. In every tragedy, in all pain, there is opportunity. We've given gifts that don't always look like gifts, or feel much like them, at first.

    Thanks for your painful honesty, ZDU.
  2. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    So I relapsed today, three times in one day. Depression and loss of hope seem to be factors - emotional hangover from Sunday being Fathers Day and depression about turning 42 next week and feeling that I have lost a lot of opportunities in life and I'm getting too old to start a family now. I had t o ask my ex- fiance for my pension money again as we had a combined fund and she is stalling about gving me my share back. A year ago she was still a part of my Life, but now shes remarried and 8 months pregnant and doesnt have time of day for me which makes me feel totally worthless. Feeling low leads to feeling sorry for my self and that leads to PMO just to feel some comfort for AA short while.

    I don't know of feeling depressed led to PMO or PMO led to feeling depressed. It seems to be a cycle. Wake up with morning wood, edge, goto far, have a lapse, feel bad, think what the fuck, lapse again, feel worse, lapse again feel worse. It's like all those days of abstinence come tumbling down again all at once and it's fap, fap, fap.

    I'm so tired of feeling bad, feeling guilty for having sexual fantasies, struggling with addiction. Struggling to feel any sort of hope for the future. I received my last injury payment today so that means I am unemployed again with no income and its impossible to find work with the convictions i have. Poor me, poor me! I know there are people worse off than me, I know that time heals, I know that everything happens for a reason, I know I have to think positive, I know I have to have hope, I know that God has a plan for my life (he's just on extended vacation apparently). Did I miss any clichés?
  3. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    Get back in the saddle, ZDU. Nobody here has recovered without some nasty, confounding relapses.

    Are you in therapy? If not, then I suggest you find a therapist who is an expert with your issues and with whom you can be deeply honest in your road of recovery. The truth sets us free. Some of those truths come by deep soul-searching, others by wise, learned counsel, and still others through the study of the human condition. We are like men trying to run across a great hall full of furniture, only pitch black with the lights out. We are slamming into things, falling, hitting our head, bruises, scrapes, broken limbs . . . Then finally we light a few lamps . . .
  4. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Very discouraging, ZDU. And we've all likely been there, in that same place. Down around slips. Down about overwhelm in life. Just down, period.

    You will get through this.

    Remember the basics: do what works for you. Exercise. Go out in nature. Eat well, healthily, and enjoy food. If it works for you, find ways of getting social - go to free concerts, discussion groups, lectures. Support local garage and coffeehouse bands. Ask questions of the lecturers. Be bold in those discussions.

    If none of that's your cup of tea (and hoping at least exercise is, since that seems to have benefited so many guys here), then go find what you need to do to get through this. Join one or more 12-step groups, mens' support groups, or whatever you need. If you don't know what you need right now, try some things to find out. It's truly OK to flounder a bit while you find your bearings.

    It's OK, as well, to give yourself time to just wallow. About your Ex, everything. And yet, to understand that's something you might need to do over again, from time to time, as a springboard, a way of gathering up reserves and energy to go out and engage life.

    Wishing you well with the job situation and finances. That can be distressing in and of itself. You sound very bright, honest, and conscientious, and I'm hoping one or more employers finds that out soon as well. I'm REALLY pulling for you, as much as anyone here on this forum.
  5. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    As for God, there's an oft-written quote: "God never gives you anything you can't handle."

    I don't know if it's true or not, but I've chosen to live as though it is. And that's seemed to work so far.

    Apuleius wrote:
    Bravo to that! All of that.
  6. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Maybe not but he sure likes to push the boundaries! I do believe that we can handle more adversity than we ever believed our selves capable of, but if the above were completely true there would be no suicide. Suicide is what happens when a persons challenges outweigh their coping mechanisms - God has given them more than they can handle in that moment. Sad but true.

    But I appreciate that you attitude towards this makes a difference - if you believe that God will never give you more than you can handle then that is the truth. If you believe that God has abandoned you then that is the truth too.
  7. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Looking back at the relapses recorded in my journal (for my benefit but you're welcome!)

    30th July
    17th August (17 days)
    20th August (3 days)
    22nd August. (2 days)
    3rd September (10 days)
    6th September (3 days)

    So my longest stint without PMO was my first - 17 days. I have a lot of 2 or 3 day stints, that seems to be common. So it's clear I started out well and then lost faith.

    When I lapse I usually do so more than once within a few hours - definately 'what the hell, I lapsed, get a few faps in before abstaining again'. Nonetheless if I repeated three times on three occasions in August that still means I only PMO'd 9 times in August. That is the worst case scenario as I don't thinks used P each time, and I don't think I repeated 3 times on each occasion.

    Previously I PMOd 1 to 3 times a day. On the low side, lets say I averaged 1.5 times a day. Over a month that's 45 PMOs per month.

    So I have gone from at best 45 PMOs in a month to at worst 9 PMOs in a month. So that is an 80% reduction in PMOs for August! Rather than focus on the lapses I'm happy to see the strides I have made. An 80% reduction in masturbating to artificial stimulus is massive. Yay me!

    Observation is that stress, depression and losing hope are major factors in lapsing. After my initial run of 17 days I lost hope, which stressed me and made me feel I could never change.

    Other factors are residual triggers around the house. You can't hang on to anything, everything has to go. Every picture, every hard drive, every USB, every fetish item. As an alcoholic I don't keep any alcohol in the house. Why would porn addiction be any different? The addiction is powerful and cunning and you will do crazy things to get some porn when the urge is there.
  8. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Absolutely, righteously right on, ZDU!!
  9. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Note: lapsed
  10. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Kudos on reporting it. Now shake it off and keep going!
  11. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Lapsed again :-( I'm pretty depressed so not surprised I am looking for just a bit of feel good. I turn 42 tomorrow and its weighing heavy on me. I will spend the morning of my 42nd birthday sitting in the queue in the welfare office as I have no job. With a criminal conviction for a sex offence and being listed on a sex offender register chances are I will never find a decent job again. I miss my fiancé and step son terribly. With a criminal conviction for a sex offence and being listed on a sex offender register and turning 42 chances are I will never have a wife or child. Whilst I'd love a second chance to make my mistake right I will never get that. I wish the hurt would end, I wish everything would end.
  12. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Go out NOW - today or at the latest tomorrow, ZDU, and get one of these books:


    And dive into the section on all the ways we have distorted thinking and negative self-talk. And start figuring out how to talk to yourself differently.

    If you need help with any of this, find a true friend or a suitable mens' group, a 12-step group or a group for guys who are facing unemployment or similar challenges. And often that's important, in addition to just posting here - to be among guys who are struggling but still trying. We all inspire one another.

    Unless you're an actual pedophile, and from everything I've read on this forum, you're not in the slightest - at least in your day to day life, as opposed to a portion of your unrealistic, fantasy P life in your past - there's nothing you have to be ashamed of. You can hold your head high. You made some mistakes in the past. You may have a black mark but that hasn't stopped anyone from moving on with their life and getting both work and love. Your challenge now is to figure out how you can contribute, do something you're good at, something you love, in life. And the work and love will come when it comes; there's no timetable for this. As long as you're surviving, you're on the right track.

    You are worthy of both ... and you can wallow for a time, but then you need to move your feet forward, each and every day. Even if you're doing some zombie-like shuffling for a time, and your neighbors run in panic at the Zombie Apocalypse headed their way! ;) Since' I'm playing fantasy football, it's like the Titans' Chris Johnson: you plunge into the line and get 1, 2, or 3 yards every time. Or get stopped for a two yard loss once in a while. And then once in a while, after getting frustrated and down, there's a breakthrough and you get a 30-yard touchdown run. And you start knowing what this is all about again.

    Any of us could easily pick up on the love you had for your ex-financé and your stepson, in your past writings, and my spidey senses didn't feel any creepiness - it felt warm and good and right. By your posts here, you're already taking risks of letting the world see you for who you are, flawed like any of us. The world is waiting for you. Are you ready to take lots of risks and keep your feet moving forward, plunge into that line, each and every day?
  13. Giles

    Giles Member

    Nice post RFS. There is some sound advice there ZDU and I agree with it all. I sense that you have a good awareness of who you are, the faults you may have and the mistakes you have made. Through this awareness can come great healing -I am sure of it. It is good that you are honest and up front with who you are and what is going on... I wish you well...
  14. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Without being disrespectful, ZDU, I had to laugh just a bit at that. Imagine that, that you're now at the ripe old age of 42, a day or two from the nursing home! :D You have lots and lots of time ahead in your life ... now you'll need to decide what you'll make of it.

    This, whatever your "this" will be, will involve repeated risks and almost certainly repeated failures. Like we all have to take, like we all are making, each and every day. If it helps, figure it this way: if you could wipe the slate clean, what would you want to be doing? From Day 1? Where would you want to be in a year, or two years?
  15. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Just thinking of you, ZDU, and wishing you well today.
  16. Bob Jenkins

    Bob Jenkins New Member

    ZDU, I am so inspired that although you've had a few slips, you are right back here posting about your struggle. If you keep on this path, great things will come your way, including a relationship. I believe in you.
  17. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Thanks, Bob Jenkins and Giles, for your voices of support here as well.

    ZDU, you wrote:
    You will get that. Each and every day you live you get that chance. To do something that makes a positive difference, that feels right, of which you can be proud. Even if you can achieve that only a few days a month, or even a few days a year, that's more than many of us can ever hope for. Go for it!
  18. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Hey, ZDU ... your PMO counter shows 3 days and counting. If that's on target, congrats!! We've about on the same number of days right now, and perhaps we can 'walk alongside,' much like Reforming Myself and I are doing? A threesome - no P images here, LOL! - would be even better.

    Check in sometime, OK? Your last message told us you were feeling down, discouraged. We don't leave buddies behind on the battlefield here, yes? We want to know how you're doing.

    If you're doing great, then let's hear it! If you're down, a 'ping' would be welcome; you don't have to say much else if you don't want to.
  19. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    Oh, one more thing: check out this page, if you might, to see how others' are struggling each day and at past times ... with depression, joblessness, and more:


    We're all in this together. No one gets through this life unscathed ... every day's a battle. Sometime we have to lick wounds, and then get out there again when we next can.
  20. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Thanks for the amazing support guys. The past few days have been an emotional rollercoaster and I might write more on the weekend. I managed to get two days work, six hours yesterday and four hours today. It's physical labour which is proving tough as I just had surgery six weeks ago from an ingruinal hernia that I got doing this exact same job! I'm 42 and most of the others are in their 20s so its hard keeping up but the boss appreciated my work ethic so if I can survive the physical sidemI might be able to get more work next month in October. I figure if I look at it as being paid to go to fitness bootcamp or the gym!

    Good news is my PMO counter is accurate.

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