ZDUs Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by ZimDownUnder, Aug 1, 2013.

  1. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Thank you to Bohhissatva, anonymous, Giles, Apuleius, midge and others for your kind words of support. I have no doubt that without your messages of encouragement I would not still be here trying again. I will be honest and say that I still don't know why I am here - I don't know what I can hope for as hope is something I lost a long time ago. So I am doing this based on faith in what you say that this journey will lead to a better place.

    I guess I am aware that I feel sorry for myself and that I need to get over that and move on, but at the same time I don't accept that everyone here is in the same situation. Yes, we have something in common, but each of our situations is unique. I am not saying I deserve special treatment or accolades but please don't tell me I am just like everyone else and I just need to get over it. You never 'just get over' child abuse.

    Having said that I do comprehend that dwelling on the past is not a way forward. I don't know of any way to get closure on what has happened, but I do know that I can't let it rent space in my head. Sometimes it's like the song is on a loop and whilst I can't wipe the recording I can press stop so it doesn't play over and over endlessly.
  2. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Day 1 (again)

    Big step today was I wiped my porn stash. I know it may seem obvious that I should have done this from the start but I cant underestimate how attached I was to this stash. It represented hours, days, weeks, years of addictive compulsion. I was 'married' to this collection for literally decades. Like alcohol, it was the only 'dependable friend' I have known. To wipe it was like killing my 'best friend'.

    I wrapped, sealed, boxed and stashed the collection in the garage yesterday thinking out of sight, out of reach, out of mind. But it's been on my mind all day that even if its not active, even if its dormant in the garage, it's still there, and I cannot hope for any real change if its still under the same roof as me. Any change is not authentic if I still have a collection that represents my addiction. I didn't keep any alcohol when I turned my back on that, so how could I expect any different with this addiction?

    So I've made a big commitment to change by deleting a collection spanning decades of my life. I feel so helpless and adrift right now, like I have lost a close friend. This too shall pass.
  3. Giles

    Giles Member

    You are certainly not like everyone else here. Your story is quite unique. There are others that share much of what you have experienced but probably not all of it. That being said, and without going into too much detail, I work with a mentor to prisoners and convicts and I have encountered people from other walks of life that have been through similar things to you and turned their lives around. Frankly, people that have likely been through far worse.

    I want to call your bluff on a couple of things you said (simply trying to help with kindness and tough love!). You say you don't know why you are here... I think you do know why you are here, and I urge you to think about this. Make a list of all the reasons that brought you here. Of course you know. Nobody else knows why you are here, only you! Think about what you do know...

    I like what you say about having faith that this journey will lead to a better place. I believe this strongly and many, many others here will affirm this belief. Trust in the process. Even though you can't see where this will lead or how you will get there... Trust in the process.

    Good luck to you ZDU.
  4. Giles

    Giles Member

    Congratulations on making these bold steps ZDU. This must have been difficult for you, but it demonstrates a deep commitment and desire to change and to beat this addiction. BRAVO.

    You have lost an old friend. It is natural to grieve. As you say... this will pass.
  5. Apuleius

    Apuleius Guest

    You or I may not ever get over child abuse, but we can and must get over self abuse. We have the same addiction as everyone else here. Sure we may be medicating different inner maladies, but that does not make our prescription for recovery any different. At most, guys like you and I need some extra therapy to work out the childhood trauma. Each person here, however, has been using porn as a way to avoid facing their supposed scary interior world. We all have our goblins. Through our addiction, we have all traumatized ourselves far more than anyone else has traumatized us. We are our own worst enemy.
  6. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Day 2 (again)

    Woke 4.00am with a boner. Seems by brain is used to getting off in the early hours of the morning and then going back to sleep or edging until dawn. Either was I end up tired.

    Was busy all day so distracted and not tempted. No real desire or drive at the moment. Maybe the finality of deleting the porn stash will help - 'hey addiction, we mean business this time'

    Why am I doing this? Step 1 of the 12 Steps probably answers this one well : "We admitted we were powerless over (porn) - that our lives had become unmanageable".

    My life clearly had become unmanageable or I would not have lost my fiancé and been arrested. Clearly I was powerless over my addiction to porn as otherwise I would not have done such irrational things.
  7. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    I'm just not getting it. PMOd again. A couple of non-nude pics but that's not the point. I seem to have lost what got me to 17 days last time. I'm missing something.
  8. Bodhissatva

    Bodhissatva New Member

    Hi ZDU,

    You are now realizing what everyone here found out the hard way: This. Is. Tough.

    I guess nothing can prepare you for how difficult this is. We all realize that at some point. Now is the time to get back at it, and develop strategies to face the urges.

    For some, it is prayer. For other, meditation. And exercise. Whatever works for you.

    Take care ZDU, whatever you do, you will always find support here on this journey.

  9. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Heading into Day 2:

    Destroyed the non-nude pics that I fapped to on the last relapse - trying to remove all possible triggers. I woke about 4.30am with a morning wood and the temptation to just MO or PMO was great. Got up and made tea, read a bit and did manage to get back to sleep again after an hour or so.

    Got up and took breakfast to the beach. Meditated, had a swim, felt great. Came home and the new housemate had heavy metal music playing and was drinking beers at 9am Sunday morning. I'm stressed about how to tell him I don't like that kind of behaviour. To be honest I don't want him to stay but don't know how to tell him to leave. The stress makes me want to fap. Grrr, I hate having stress
  10. a short guy

    a short guy Well-Known Member

    I personally wouldn't feel bad about asking him to leave or play no heavy metal at 9am without headphones. That you're having difficulty handling stress right now is a good enough reason to talk with him about it.

    For me, meditation is key to handling stress. I've gotten out of the habit the past couple months. I needed to meditate more, not less. My immediate goal is to meditate today.

  11. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Day 3 (lost count what attempt this is)

    This is a tough journey for sure. It seems so much harder to not PMO this time around. I don't know how I managed 17 days the first time. Early hours of the morning are the worst as I wake early with morning wood and horny as hell. Normal behaviour would be to fap and go back to sleep or edge and slumber for a few hours. Breaking a habit at 3 or 4am is tough!

    Stress was a factor in relapse. I had a housemate move in that took over the house with loud music, drinking, smoking and having lots of rowdy friends over. I was stressed and unhappy and my addictive subpersonality told me I deserved masturbation and orgams to make me feel better. After three days I plucked up the courage to tell him it was not working and he had to leave so I am much more peaceful now.

    I really want to know that I can go for at least 30 days without succumbing to PMO. I don't know that I will ever be with a woman again but if I am I want to know that I am not going to cheat on her with porn and masturbation. I would like to be confident that I won't make that same mistake again.

    But no sexual stimulation or release at all is tough. I don't seem to have the patience to wait 90 days for the benefits that are described. For now I will be happy if I can make it to a week. I suppose I must see the upside in that even though I have lapsed every couple of days I am still PMOing one hell of a lot less than I used to. Previously it was at least once a day, more probably two or three times a day. Now it's once every two to three days.
  12. breath

    breath Active Member

    you can be with a woman again. know it, feel it believe it. touching story btw.
    one thing that you have going for you is that in the present stage, which you describe as not feeling ready for being in a relationship there is less pressure. you are at the ocean, sure that you do not yet want to swim. but therefore you can wade in with no pressure. you can talk to woman. small talk at the corner store. ask directions rather than use GPS. offer halp to someone dragging a stroller through a doorway or on to a bus. simple interactions can be wonderful as they are not riddled with the question - how do i make this woman like me..
  13. AlphaFlail

    AlphaFlail Guest

    Just so you know, the number "90" was pulled out of thin air by some unknown guy at a different forum. There is no basis for it whatsoever. It might not take anywhere near that long for you. Also, however long it takes, the days don't necessarily have to be all in a row with no slips along the way. They slow you down, but you don't go "back to zero". Those 17 days you had are in the bank. See my sig? Every recent streak I had, in the bank. Keeps me positive, I always know I'm moving forward. My personal best is 25 days, been at this over a year - seeing all kinds of gains anyhow.

    If there is a magic formula for this, nobody knows what it is yet. You are doing better than you seem to think. My take on it is this: every day your brain doesn't PMO is a day your brain gets better at not PMOing. Any way that could be totally wrong? Doubt it.
  14. TiredOfEd

    TiredOfEd If not me, who? If not now, when?

    ZDU, you do not give yourself enough credit. Aug 24:

    Aug 29:
    Looks like progress to me! Hang in there ZDU, yeah it's tough, most things in life worth having are. Don't focus on setbacks, recognize and take pride in the steps forward, like standing up to the room mate and giving him the boot! It shows you are taking charge and facing the things that make you feel uncomfortable. Little by little, the forward progress adds up. You can do this.
  15. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Day 4: things are going quite well. The early hours of the morning are still by far the most challenging. I was always a morning sex person, probably because by nightfall I was usually drunk. I am not having difficulty during the day as I am busy all day and I've been in a positive mood so not inclined to lie around feeling bored and sorry for myself which leads to fapping. So the challenge will be the early hours of the morning from 2.30am to 6.30am. I have started just getting up and making tea which distracts me. I am feeling pretty good at this stage. Yes, I am tempted to google or go on some sites but I have been able to not go down that road so far.

    breath:I long to be with a woman again, not just for intimacy but also for some company as I am terribly alone since this all happened. You're right that its good not to have the pressure of trying to get into a relationship at this stage. I do believe it will happen - with billions of people on the planet there has to be someone for me out there! But for now I have to get some degree of control over this PMO addiction. I do want to leave porn behind forever and I have to be sure if that before entering another relationship. Lots to look forward to!

    AlphaFlail: thanks for pointing out that a lapse does not mean you have nothing in the bank. I am actually amazed that I even made it to 17 days on my first run and I am kinda proud of that. I hear what you are saying that it's not completely back to zero, there are accrued benefits. As an alcoholic I'd have to be better off drinking once every 17 days than drinking every day, so the same should be true for PMO addiction. Ok, so now my goal is to beat your 25 days :)

    TiredOfEd: it was a good move to ask the housemate that was stressing me out to leave. It went smoothly and he left immediately without fuss. Turns out he gets asked to leave wherever he lives. Today a new housemate moved in, much quieter, much more suitable. The lesson I learned is that my serenity is worth a lot to me and I don't have to let other people take that away from me.

    The journey continues... I do have a strong feeling that something great is going to happen on this journey, I can feel it. It's like something has clicked, been released, switched on or switched off. Hard to describe. I am meditating twice a day for 15 to 20 minutes, swimming in the ocean, getting out in the sun, putting music on while I work in the garden, planted some vegetables, generally doing things that used to bring me pleasure.
  16. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Great report, ZDU. Keep the fire burning, man.
  17. Giles

    Giles Member

    You sound in a better frame of mind ZDU. I am pleased to hear this. Keep going and stay strong...
  18. midge

    midge Guest

    ZDU, I love the hopefulness in your most recent post. It's all about finding and flipping that switch! I suggest you make a note of today's date and come back to re-read that post if ever you start to doubt your ability to carry this thing through. You're going to succeed, ZDU. I can feel it.
  19. RainerFoxSign

    RainerFoxSign New Member

    ZDU wrote:
    Exactly! There really seems to be some ongoing - and cumulative - benefit in 'doing less,' even if it's not completely 'doing without' this compulsion. Some significant brain rebalancing occurs even from a reduction in the number of days, and hours spent, acting out, and your alcohol analogy is entirely apt. AlphaFlail's metaphor of "banking" time all the time we spend away from compulsion is a powerful visualization along these lines.

    As well, competitiveness here can be a motivator, even if it's not to fall significantly behind what others are doing, much less to pass them. Whatever works!!

    We get to use whatever tricks we have in our playbooks. The enemy (the addict part of our brains) is ruthless and wouldn't spare us in any way; we can be the same towards it.
  20. ZimDownUnder

    ZimDownUnder New Member

    Today was Fathers Day here in Australia. It was a difficult day for me emotionally as I was a father for a brief period. I loved my fiancé and I loved her son. Although we hadn't got around to being married we had bought a home together, I called her my wife, she called me her husband, her son was my son, and he called me Daddy. That is all gone now and that was hard to bear today. I know I was a good husband and a good father and it was only the downfall of porn that undid a good thing. I adored my family and I lost them through my own stupidity.

    I spent the day with my parents at a festival. It was rough seeing all the families, couples, kids enjoying the day together. I felt like I was on the outside looking in, but didn't belong. It made me realise how much I miss having someone to spend sunny days with, and how much miss being a family man, how proud I was of my wife, and how dedicated I was to my step son because I loved his mother so much and loved him too. I miss my family terribly. It's hard to fathom life without them, it still feels like I am on a trip and will go home soon, the separation is not real, not forever - but it is.

    The upside is that it's made me more determined than ever to try again. I'm 41 which is getting old to be looking to start over, but it's not impossible. I have to believe that there is someone out there that will accept me as I am, mistakes and all. I am not the same person that made those mistakes, and I need to stop punishing myself. I have been telling myself I am not worth and no one could ever want me again as I did terrible things in my past. If that is how I treat myself I can't expect anyone to treat me any better. I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I made and love myself enough to get up and have another go. I have to believe that anything is possible.

    Day 5: again the early hours of the morning are the killers. Massively horny, wood, idle hands at 3.00 am. Brain playing mind games - go on, just a little, just a few peeks won't hurt. Once I get up and get busy it's a lot easier to resist. I'm happy that I have gone beyond just a day or a few hours as I seemed stuck in that constant relapse mode. When you relapse its too easy to just Keep relapsing as you think it wont really matter. Now I'm at 5 days without fapping I'm confident I can make it to 10 at least.

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