Hi all After a lengthy absence (and lapse) I am back again for round two. I desperately need something to help me with this journey as I just cannot seem to make it on my own, so starting a journal again is hopefully a tool I can use to assist me. The difference this time around is that I have had a new er, lady friend, for just over a month now. Whilst we are amorous in as far as kissing and touching we have not had sexual relations yet although there is every possibility in the future as we seem to be going along well. I have had trouble abstaining from masturbating to porn, even since I met her. Its almost like my PMO habit felt threatened when she came into my life and it is determined to remain my primary sexual outlet even with the prospect of a real, live sexual partner on the horizon. Its confusing as hell that PMO can be so powerfully addictive, overriding every common sense. So back for round two of this journey. Phew.
It is great that you have a lady in your life. Cherish the hand holding, kissing and other non-sexual "bonding behaviour" that is part of the old fashioned courting ritual. Lots of good brain chemistry from that healthy contact you are sharing with her. I agree, your old habit... PMO is going to die-hard. These compulsions are so tough to break because that part of our mind will fight and fight for survival. You can defeat it. By using positive and healthy alternate activities instead. Such as sharing your life with your lady. Exercise, creativity, time in nature, meditation/prayer, helping others, hanging with pets etc. Good luck man. Lots of good men here that I know will help you.
Welcome back, ZDU. Nothing wrong with an old school, 90-day courtship limited to hugging, kissing, and holding. It sounds to me like you've met a very good reason to get clean.
Okay I have not been very active posting here, or even reading posts here, I guess because I am in denial and relapsing again... and again... and again. It's a cunning and baffling addiction for sure. All I can do is pick up and start over again, beating myself up over my relapses is not going to achieve anything. Into Day 4 of the current abstinence period and this morning was tough. Woke up in the fairly early and unable to go to sleep so grabbed the iPad and checked Facebook, played some word games, checked some auctions, and then started google searching - non nude pictures. Of course it is a slippery trail and before I know it I am aroused and touching myself looking at non nude pics. I start masturbating with some fetish clothing items that happened to be handy in the bed side drawer. This arouses me more. My mind starts thinking to some of my favorite non-nude and semi-nude pics. Then I find on my Google search some non-nude pics but ones that I know belong to a porn series. There are some from the series that are new to me so of course I want to go on a site where I found them originally and see if the complete series is available now. I am so curious to see what is new on the sites. I know it is destructive but what if there is something new and really hot that I might be missing out on. I want so bad to go onto the site and find out what is new, but I also know that I will be disappointed if I PMO. I am barely on 4 days but this is still a good run for me for abstinence. Fortunately I ran out of time and had to get up and drive south for an hour to look at some artwork i was interested in buying so I was distracted for a couple of hours. Now that I am back home I can feel the longing, its almost like the craving for alcohol that I used to suffer from. It wouldnt take much to just hop onto that site and see what is new, but I know that if I look, I will PMO, and I have to try and convince myself that PMOing is not what I want. The truth is that I am having erectile dysfunction and inorgasmic problems when having sex with my new girlfriend. It sucks. Having problems makes me lose confidence even further. The truth (at present) is that masturbation to porn is just so much more pleasurable, I have complete control, I can do it when I want, how I want, and with whatever fantasy I want. My girlfriend and I have different arousal clocks - she likes being intimate at night when I am usually just tired from work and sleepy. I am horny in the morning though, but she likes to sleep in and gets cranky if I wake her. I guess in the old days in the absence of porn you would put up with a lot more and make a bigger effort to overcome these relatively small problems, but in this day and age there is a whole world of sexual arousal just waiting at the click of a mouse, available to me at any time - those girls don't get cranky at me for being horny in the morning! Whilst I like my girlfriend a lot and I hope that we have a long future together including maybe marriage and kids, and as much as I love her pussy and find it a real turn on, I just don't find vaginal intercourse as satisfying as masturbation. I guess that is the nature of being so accustomed to masturbating to porn that the real thing looses interest as you can't click a mouse and get a different stimulus! Anyway, I am just rambling on. I do want to PMO abstinence another try as I would hope that if I can break the habit then sex with my girlfriend will become a whole lot more satisfying. I know that logically it should be better and more fulfilling and rewarding, but after so many years of masturbating to porn its a hard habit to break.Damn I hate my addictions!
It's okay ZDU, you are at least aware that there is a reason behind your problem... this is good. I can not say enough times how much better the physical intimacy with my wife is , on all levels, when I am off PMO!!! It's not just masturbation that messes us up, although that is bad enough, it is the wiring of our brains to the constant novelty of different faces, bodies and sex acts... Give yourself some time off PMO to fully appreciate the sensations of the rewiring/reboot.
It will just take time to appreciate vaginal intercourse. After all of the strong and vivid stimulations to be had from PMO, vaginal intercourse is going to be more subtle and take some getting used to. It's about connecting with another person as much as (or perhaps more than) the physical sensation. Be patient. Good luck.
So after a relapse with PMO I back at 5 days again. I have to confess that I have MOd which is regrettable but my gf is away for some time so go easy on me! The past two evenings I have really struggled to avoid downloading porn. I deleted my pornstash (again) on the 8th of Jan but the temptation to just hop on and see if there is anything exciting and new is huge. I was able to avoid it by getting out the house, walking the dogs, pressure cleaning the driveway but its not easy. But I have to say that just an hour or two out of the house away from the possibilty of sitting down at the PC helped. I was able to spend a few hours at the computer doing work last night without the nagging temptation of going onto the porn sites. It seems that like a nagging child if you ignore it for a while it will go and play somewhere else and leave you alone if you show it no attention.
