Yukon Joe's Journal - a musher's path away from a lifelong addiction

It sounds very positive. You will continue to make progress, no question about that.

 

FIFTY TWO DAYS!

Kind of hard to believe it's almost two months after more than thirty years of addiction.
In other words, I have not done M to P at all in the year 2014, My brain is rewiring but it has been a slow gradual effect. I'm still in the fog part of the time. I have been having erections in the morning from time to time. Maybe the flatlining will still be over.

Doesn't seem like this is happening soon enough for my employer though. I was told to expect a
call from the agency I work for. I have that funny feeling I'm getting fired again and it is going to
be nasty this time. I guess my boss is getting tired of my 'little mistakes', although to tell you the truth the work of mine that she is actually reviewing now is work that I had done six months ago.
It hardly seems fair. but this is what is happening. I am in a state of shock and depression now. I talked to my counselor tonight and she said she is willing to make arrangements for me financially if the axe falls. This has happened to me so many times before. The one thing I promised my counselor and myself is that no matter what happens tomorrow, I will not go back to my M to P addiction. I feel I have still accomplished much, but I also have the feeling that it is not enough.

It's weird because my writer's group met tonight to review a short story I am submitting to a science fiction magazine. They all say its some of the best work I have ever done.

I remember to do things now that I used to forget. Little things like paying the bills on time and taking books back to the library before they were due. I actually figured out how to fix my old Porsche over the three day weekend although If I lose my job I won't be able to buy the parts to fix it. It all seems so unfair. I'm being judged on what I did six months ago when I was just starting to fight my addiction. There are too many entries on my resume. I've worked too many places and I am too damned old for this. For I while I actually thought of putting a gun to my mouth, instead I called my counselor and talked to her for about an hour. She told me I am an intelligent creative man but I really have my doubts about both myself and whether my rebooting is ever worthwhile or fixing me or not. My brain is foggy from fear and depression now. I'm not sure I will be able to pay my bills or not or whether I will even have a place to live next year. I used to work with a woman who ended up homeless and this scares the crap out of me. I don't know. I think I might actually rather eat a bullet than end up homeless.

 

I just don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. My dogs have been helpful. They have been beside me all the way. I need to live so I can continue to feed them.

I can't just walk up to my boss and explain that I had a porn addiction when I did the work I was reviewing but that I'm all better now and won't do it again. Maybe some guys could do that but I can't and I'm not even sure my boss would buy it at this point. I actually got my counselor through the program at work and she said she could explain a little bit about what I was going through and that the problems are over now but I'm not sure it would make a difference. My hands are shaking while I write this. It's like they are throwing me under the bus because I have these mental problems. It's just a weird place to be right now and I don't know what to think.

Getting up and going to work tomorrow is going to be the scariest thing I ever do.

 

The worst part was that while I started fighting my addiction last summer my mother almost died in the hospital. My father and younger sister are already dead. She's the last family I have. After mom survived the surgery she was kicked off of Medicare and was unable to get follow up care for the surgery. I actually started making phone calls and found out what paperwork didn't get filed and as of last month, Mom was put back on Medicare and was able to see her doctors for her overdue followup care because of my hard work. Yeah. I have power of attorney. This was all going on while I was trying to kick my porn addiction and thinking that on any day I might be burying mom.

Yeah. My boss knows all about the problems with my mother but under the bus I still go.

 

I'm sorry to hear about your problems YJ. Take it a day at a time and see what happens. I wouldn't be afraid to play the card your counselor suggested, anything to make things better.

If it ends up going bad just resolve that you're going to get through this and hang on to your progress. You have made some valuable progress, treasure it. We're with you Joe.

 

Thanks man. Good to know you are behind me.

 

We're all in this together. Keep in mind that no matter what, PMO won't help to make things better.

 

The good news is that I still have my job and they are not considering replacing me at this time.

The bad news is that the phone call was a warning about my job performance and the first step they legally have to take if they do get rid of me. They do know I am working with a counselor in the Employee Assistance Program.

Everything relating to my job performance problem can be traced to the addiction, and I have had the same problems with jobs in the past. This gives me something to think about.

 

So, your job is to keep fighting the addiction and try to show them that you are improving.

 

Among other things, yes. I prepared a jobsearch anticipating losing this job and I decided to continue to look for work as well. I can't believe I have fallen this far. I am worried about keeping a contract job as a legal assistant that only lasts until the end of August that only requires a two year degree. I have a Masters Degree and I'm a certified paralegal. In the past I had a Permanent job that pays more than twice what my salary is today. As I recover I am going to be doing something about that.

The good thing is that I went back to the dojo and signed up for Tai Chi classes three times a week again. Something else to boost my brain and my balance in addition to the weekly acupuncture treatments. My acupuncturist said my pulse was really low the first time I came in. Now it is much stronger and I can feel that I have more energy. I can't believe that I was in such bad shape that I was actually falling asleep at work. It was a combination of MB to Porn till late into the night, bad food, no exercise. Can't believe how out of shape and off balance I was today at my Tai Chi session. I have really let myself go. No wonder I was falling asleep at work and crashing on the ski slopes. I had NO energy at all because of my lifestyle. That is changing. Driving home from my first Tai Chi class, I felt the rewiring in my frontal lobe again. Some days I feel flatlined, but there are other days I feel the old mojo coming back. I am having erections in the morning again.

No more sleeping at work.

 

The strange thing was the reason I quit Tai Chi many years ago. I would go to Tai Chi after work and couldn't wait to finish my Tai Chi workout so I could go home to porn surf. I was building up energy with Tai Chi to blow out my penis as soon as I got home. I could remember practicing all of the movements while watching the clock waiting for the class session to be over so I could go home and MB with the new energy I had generated.

I see an older, greyer, heavier man now when I look at the mirror in the dojo. I need to work on that. More tai chi, more trips to the gym. On today's session I wasn't watching the clock like I used to do. I was watching the instructor and watching myself in the mirror. I was focusing on the form.

This is different.

 

You are definitely reaping positive side effects of dropping PMO.

 

Wow. 77 days. I can't believe I made it this far! It can be done!

I am feeling better. I think my reboot saved my job and maybe my career.

 

Great news, YJ. Stay the course.

 

I just read your post Yukon and thanks I am battling today and reading your journey really helped so keep up the good work your helping others as well as yourself!

 

Yukon, Your track record is inspiring. If wish you the best in your job. Stay the course. Congratulations on the strides you have made in being PMO free.

 

Hang in there. It can be done. Look at all my false starts from last summer.

Every time I went back to the old habits they seemed less attractive to me.

 

Thanks man. It's nice to know I can inspire others.

 

Damn. Five more days and I have been off the porn bottle for 90 days. No MB to porn in 2014. No MB at all in 2014. This morning I had an erection that was harder than anything I have had in 15 years.

Not to say that this has been easy. I have been struggling with this for over a year. Stopping. Starting. Falling off the wagon and starting over. Just like everybody else on this board. This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I went from a 4 or 5 day a week 6 hour a day habit to zilch. No fap at all. The withdrawal symptoms the first week almost cost me my job, but I survived and I am still working at the same place. I am better at my job now.

What a long strange trip it's been.

On March 28th I will be on the slopes of Colorado skiing to celebrate day 90! 8)

 

You are doing great, YJ. Just keep moving forward.