Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Stopper, May 17, 2012.
When I dug in the trash and got the lube and porn I threw out. Now that's a addict
Holy shit this is one of them funny ones you can look back later in your life and laugh about, but I get what you mean dude I had a similar few experiences.
Just hit a serious rock bottom that didn't feel like a rock bottom anymore. Considering how far I've been escalating the extremes these days it doesn't really come as a surprise. Young old lesbian( with the idea that the real stuff I want to look at is mother daughter lesbian fetish) piss, scat, fisting, and the final line crosser for me bestiality. The most physically painful looking, and emotionally degrading shit that exists legally is the only stuff that seems to get me to climax. It all starts out fairly predictable (as far as porn sessions go) start with the retro busty models, go over to the milf pages, get into the russian family stuff, get bored, and then start trying to find the absolutely degrading and shocking acts possible. At one point (not today's relapse, one that happened a few years ago) I even tried finding the fake snuff one of the posters was talking about, I didn't end up finding it, and ended up watching some you tube videos of an apache helicopter firing on a insurgent mortar team or other real war footage instead. Luckily, I didn't find it arousing!
Rock bottom is deceptive, I thought I had hit it so many time before. And I know after not really hitting rock bottom today, but, just being merely uncomfortable with what I orgasmed to. It is entirely possible to never hit rock bottom. The imaginary line with what you are comfortable masturbating to just keeps getting pushed further and further and further, because it sure has for me. I'm not trying to preach, I'm not trying to one up, just trying to warn because I've looked at the worst I can possibly find.
If you go searching for rock bottom you'll never find it, I've never found it. I'm not looking at porn for nearly the duration or the consistency that I used to, but I'm looking at for more extreme porn than I ever have. Today marks my first time back on the forum in a few years and in that period of time I haven't had sex or been with a woman while I've been sober in 4 years. I get repulsed at the smells, the intimacy, the vulnerability, the very human-ness of the act is intolerable. This is my rock bottom my low point, realizing that my humanity is being eroded every single time I view porn and barely even feeling shame that I don't feel shame for looking at such disturbing material!
Just like it says in George Collins' book Breaking the Cycle "You can't ever get enough of what won't satisfy you!" Every single rationalization to look for just an hour and only the softcore stuff that comes to mind (from a trigger you never realize you had) is another gateway to a potential rock bottom.
I guess my lowest point was when i fapped so hard and so much that i started to bleed. I had been drinking cuz another girl just dumped me again cuz i couldn't perform in bed. The drinking made me feel the pain of the break up like a gunshot..but it also numbed me down there..and so i abused myself using PMO till i started bleeding..wow im so fcking messed up, Lord please have mercy on me..
My new low point is zombified PMO sessions with a half limp noodle, and when I finally finish I have zero orgasm, and just a small gush. This is horrible. :-[
That's happened to me more times than I care to remember.
My lowest point ever was since i started this reboot.I have never in my entire life felt worse than now.
I started exercising today,cardio,did 2 sessions of 33 minutes and FELT WORSE THAN BEFORE.
Perhaps you overdid it? 1 hour of cardio is way too much for beginners.
I keep on pmo even though it's terrible for my back and neck. I keep spending money for treatments. They always wrok, but instead of spending months to heal I go back to those porn marathon and it destroyed every progress I made while adding more damage. Enough damage that iI had to work part time instead of full time. An injury that would have took a couple's weeks to heal is lasting almost 3 years. Sometimes I wish I would snap, take my desktop and through it by the window.
> Missing out on my very early adults days - going clubs, picking women up , fucking them etc.. i was more interested in looking at porn.
> Looking at tranny, pregnant porn.
Yep i have missed out. But trying to put things right.
I didnt feel better at any point.No runners high...
You should do a full check up to make sure everything's ok with your health, then.
I can sum it up by saying my lowest point was when i felt i totally let myself down, it's a rotten feeling, i can go into specifics but i'd rather not, that was the last time i relapses, 13th jan this year, my lowest point, and i haven't looked at porn since
Lowest point .. There were many warning signs which I flat out ignored. Like those times I was working wanking from home - surfing porn instead of getting important work done. Or watching porn in the office with a decent chance of someone walking in on me. What an idiot I was!
When things got really dark was when I was fantasizing about rape. Thinking about what was a good place to ambush a woman, how would I carry it out and that sort of thing. It is abhorrent and vile and a completely unacceptable thing to even consider. Rape is a horrible and disgusting crime! (I have never committed rape and I never made actual plans outside of this one fantasy years ago).
It all came out of fapping way to much to "vanilla" hard core P, and being in an extremely angry and resentful mood against women. I think underneath it all I felt really powerless and impotent, you know feeling like human garbage in the eyes of girls I was attracted to. I don't feel like this anymore, but I can still tap into that hopeless and dark mood thinking back on it. I would never in a million years commit a crime like this.
feeling like none of my good points mattered because the porn i watched way pretty extream
Right now. I just feel like total shit. My gf broke up with me a little over a month ago. I've been drinking and PMOing. Felt suicidal for the first time in my life. I'm so hungry for human touch from a girl I care about. I feel so empty. I feel so lost. The future seems like so much work. I've got supportive friends and family but nothing fills the void in my soul.
The scary thing is I don't even believe in the no PMO as a solution right now. It makes me anxious and depressed to not PMO. I start to really care about things and get pissed off. I start to really want a girl but I don't have any. I start to want girls so bad I get weird when trying to talk to them.
But at the same time I feel like I should stop. I don't fucking know. I feel so lost. I just want things to go back to the way they were 2 months ago.
I'm so sick of trying to be strong through all this shit. Like it doesn't bother me. Trying to stay happy and optimistic. But just always feeling the same.
I want to hit up my ex and tell her I miss her and I still love her. I just want her know. And I fucking hate that everything I've read and pretty much everyone has told me that is a terrible idea. That I will only be hurt more.
I'm sick of everything being so passive. Meaning everything to improve my life is basically NOT doing something. I can't PMO. I can't reach out to my ex. I can't drink.
The only thing I can do is NOT do things...and NOT do them for a long period of time. Basically just sit and wait until I have more time under my belt.
I'm just sick of everything.
Sorry to hear it mate.. Breaking up causes extreme emotional turmoil. You are not alone in having felt this. It's a bad place to be in..
Not saying you should take my advice, but here goes.. Looking back the last time I broke up with a gf I just didn't want to think about it. I did my damndest to surpress it from my mind. Did anything else and kind of forgot about her. But it took months to really get over it. Long walks and excercising helped I guess.
Thanks der dachs I appreciate it. Funny thing is I saw you posting in another thread...and your avatar actually reminds me of her and I had to look away. (Long story ha)
I know I just have to stay strong and keep going. That's really the only option.
Another lowest point I had was back in November of last year, when I was at day 20 of a no-pmo streak.
I ended up blowing 90% of my paycheck on this site called chaturbate, and jacked off once, and didn't really like it at all.
Then I ended up beating off a few hours later and felt sluggish as all hell.
I took a nap later in the evening at around 5pm and did not wake up until 9pm. And when my mom and my sister got back home, they were mad because I didn't even tell them that I didn't even work that day.
So I lost my money, and part of my dignity.
Another effect that excessive fapping has had on me is drowsiness. I could go to sleep at 6pm and wake up at 11:30pm one night, and fall asleep during the middle of the day, missing a huge comeback in a playoff game, and not waking up until the second half of the next game.
But I'm not gonna let this shit bring me down no more.
I've never told this story before, but what the hell.
When I was 13 years old I almost burned down the house due to PMO. I had just received the beloved Star Wars case, and in it contained the treasured red tape filled with new and wonderful scenes of beautiful women that my young brain craved. I was home on summer break and decided I would make myself some lunch. I threw on some pots and pans, and I think I was cooking hamburgers and hotdogs on the stove top. I told myself I would start cookings the food and as it was heating up I'd run upstairs, prepare my newly acquired tape (turn it on, and pause it and have it ready for after lunch), and then come right back down stairs. Well, I turned the tape on, and never made it back downstairs. I was so mesmerized by what I saw on the TV that I went straight into PMO, ahh this feels good, so new so exciting... Wait, what's that smell?? Smoke???? SHIT! Run downstairs, pants around my ankles to find jet black smoke engulfing the kitchen, food burned to black ash and grease smoldering like lava in the pans. Panic. I throw the pans in the sink, open every window in the house, and prayed to god that the smell would be gone before my parents got home. My heart is racing just thinking about how scared I was that day, nearly 20 years ago. It's a shame to think that I've been PMO's prisoner ever since then.
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