You know things have gone too far when you're sticking a needle in your d*ck - My Journal

So where to start, I’ve been suffering with porn addiction since I was around 18 years old and I’m now 35. I didn’t realise at the time how big of an effect porn was having on me until I got with my first girlfriend and despite being attracted to her, I struggled to stay hard during sex. Since that time I’ve only had 1 serious long term relationship that lasted nearly 8 years and ended in 2019. Although porn wasn’t the sole reason why the relationship didn’t work out, it was definitely a huge contributing factor as I would struggle every now and then in bedroom due to my addiction. I could never bring myself to tell my girlfriend about it as I was ashamed and was afraid she would end things between us.

During the relationship I was always relying on the use of Viagra and Cialis in the bedroom. Since we’ve broken up I’ve had several one night stands but have still relied on various drugs to make sure I could perform. Over the last year I have started to use Caverject too (for those that don’t know that’s an injection straight into your penis in order to keep an erection). So yeah you know things have gone too far when you’re sticking a needle in your dick. I always justified this in my head as a temporary measure so I can continue to have a normal sex life until I beat this addiction. But in reality it was just another crutch that I could fall back on while continuing to relapse. Although I’ve had several decent streaks in the past, I always end up going back to porn. I’m hoping that by creating this journal it will help keep me on the right path as well as having like-minded people to talk to about this addiction rather than keeping it all to myself. So here goes, thanks to everyone for taking the time to read my story

 

Hi Maple Leaf,

I knew the scientist who invented the method for sticking a needle into your dick. He even demonstrated it at conference, erection and all!

You are on the right site. You are not the only one here who has depended on Viagra or Cialis, and also found that they are not reliable
if you have bad ED.

The cause of the ED is that. we have learned to get hard by using the super-stimulus of porn, and our porn habit has escalated so that
we need an even greater stimulus to get the same effect, eg fetish porn.

We need to learn again that simply touching oursevelves or being touched by other is sufficient to get hard. And we need to
reboot for 30, 60 or 90 days. I resorted to MO twice during the 90 days.

 

Keep at it man !

What motivates me is the curiosity to find what my life could be 1 month.. 2 month.. a year from now if I really try and apply myself honestly; if I take the issue seriously and do my absolute best to change. From all the positive I am experiencing so far from taking my life seriously, I'd say addiction (to porn and masturbation; to self-loathing; etc.) is a veil that kept me complacent, unoriginal, lazy, self-absorbed, and completely unable to envision that life could be awesome and fullfilling. Life is worth living and I'm just beginning to taste it.

 

Hey DBA,

Thank you for the support. Haha as if the guy demonstrated it there and then! Yeah I've relied on Viagra and Cialis for so many years until that stopped being effective. I've been carrying on like this for so long that I started to forget how abnormal this all is.

I'm hoping to get to 90 days (if not longer) this time around. My longest streak has been around 45 days before relapsing. Did you find MO set you back at all during your 90 days?

 

Thanks for your support mate! Even though my longest streak has only been around 45 days, I have always noticed a difference in how I feel and how I view life. Whenever I go 5 or 6 weeks without relapsing I find that my self confidence, my energy, and my mood all improve.
Yeah I'm the same, I really want to see what my life could be like after several months or even a year without porn. I just have to remind myself of all the positive effects that abstinence will have, whenever I'm feeling tempted to relapse

 

Day 3 - So far so good. Haven't had any major urge to relapse yet but I've always found the first few weeks the easiest to deal with

 

Day 4, 5 and 6 - Still going strong. Was slightly tempted earlier today when I had too much time on my hands but I got myself out of the house and focused on other things

 

Day 7, 8, and 9 - Been really busy with work over the last 3 days which has really helped. Although I've got the next 2 days off so just need to keep myself busy and keep an eye out for the warning signs of a relapse

 

Hey Maple Leaf,

welcome to the forum! We're in the same boat in many aspects - I'm 35, relying on cialis for around 10 years, my longest streak was around 40-50 days... I wish you much perseverance, together we are stronger

 

Thank you! It's a difficult habbit to break when you've been relying on these drugs for so long as they enable you to have a more normal sex life. Wishing you all the best mate, we can both get past 50 days this time!

 

Day 10, 11, 12 and 13 - Definitely flatlining right now. Have no libido whatsoever. Which can sometimes be worse for me as I'll be tempted to watch porn in an attempt to feel normal again. Got to just ride it out however long this flatline goes on for

 

Yes, you are totally right. I also have PE due to my addiction, and these drugs used to help me with that a lot, but not anymore. It's also something I don't really understand. Did you do research about how these drugs stop being effective? Is it a similar tolerance as what you develop for illicit drugs (or to porn) or is it because the effect of porn outweighs the effect of the ED medication over time?
Anyways, congratulations on the 2 weeks!

 

Hi Maple Leaf,

good luck for your new streak!
45 days was already very good!
I wouldn't MO in that initial reboot period afterwards its okish from time to time.
What kept me going to reach 90 days of full nofap was the hope to solve my issues and positive feedback I received during that time.
When I don't O for a long period I start to get a high just from having a good talk/eye contact with a girl and I felt more confident.
Somehow girls sense that you're ready to go and were more interested in me.
Also I wasn't depressed anymore, I found a girlfriend straight after my 90 day reboot, which was just perfect for the rewiring back then.

 

To be honest I haven't done a lot of research into it but I definitely feel like my body developed a tolerance over time to ED medication. Like you say it helped massively at first but it became less and less effective for me. This is what lead me to trying Caverject in the first place. Thanks for the support, I'm glad to have the first few weeks out of the way without any issues

 

Yeah the plan is to go the full 90 days without MO. I know exactly what you mean, every time I've had a decent streak I've had more success with girls (sometimes without really trying that hard). Congratulations on making it to 90 days! Have you carried on since then?

 

Day 14, 15 and 16 - Glad to have made it past the two week mark. Haven't thought much about porn at all so far. I find it's always after around 30 days that my mind starts to wonder and I get tempted

 

Well my first streak with 90 days like 10 years ago, so there were many hights and lows after that.
But now since 200 days I haven't watched porn at all, just started some MO after 90 days again.

 

Wow great job on making it to 200 days! That gives me something to aspire to

 

Days 17 to 27 - Had too long of a break from updating this thread due to a lot of shit going on in my personal life. Fortunately I've not looked at porn at all during this time so I'm quite proud of myself for that. I'm not sure if this is due to the reboot / flatline but I'm getting a lot of depression at the moment. I feel very numb and empty right now. Literally cried for about 30 mins yesterday. I'm hoping this is due to the lack of dopamine caused by the reboot, and that it passes over time

 

Strength to you @Maple Leaf , man, that is difficult to deal with, that level of depression/emptiness. I hope you can come thru it much stronger on the other side. I think you will.