Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. I can relate to this only too well. Keep on trucking, YoC. Also, soccer eh? Cool. Which position do you play in? I bet you're a full-back.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. @Apeman Thanks man! I totally agree. Feeling positive emotions is key to keep taking positive action, and as simple as that sounds, I never realized it until I read a book that said "Happiness and positive emotions makes us more likely to take care of ourselves and make the right decision and foloow through with our actions" and it gave methods to increase our positive emotions, like a gratification journal. Reading that, I found myself thinking "pshh yeah right. this is way too simplistic. Then i realized that I don't believe that. So I gave my best shot at trying it out, and it really does work. I thought success comes through misery and suffering. Now it feels great knowing that I'm doing what I can not to add on to my problems Haha dave and longway. I usually play midfield, but occassionaly as a winger too. I like being the link between the defense and the offense.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. There's a game that I play when I should be sleeping that makes me so vulnerable to PMO. I really think I have to quit it now. It's difficult because many of my friends play it too, and it's also so fun to watch pro-players play it.....
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. So I was able to stay away from pmo for 9 days, and had successful sex yesterday - but after it, for the first time in this period, I felt an urge to watch a game of what I'm not supposed to. Thankfully, I went and told my gf who was still awake and she convinced me not to, reminding me of the alternative and healthy activity that I can do which is listen to a dhamma talk as I fall asleep. Doing that, I was able to let go of the urge to watch a game, because I know if I had watched one game it'd be that much harder to play the second game. I am very irritable this morning, didn't sleep well.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Had a great 8 days, full of tennis and productive activites and reading and seeing friends, but really just collapsed out of tiredness yesterday after O with gf. It made me very tired and later in the night I succumbed to pmo, watching pro-gaming, and just now a second pmo. I have to get out of this cycle and back into my self of last week somehow, and quickly, before it gets worse.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Thank you Apeman I had the urge to pmo tonight, but decided to come here instead. Now I'm going to get ready for bed with a clear conscience.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. I went on a complete binge yesterday. I've pmo'd many times in the past month, I just didn't post it here because I didn't want to feel like I've relapsed again. I have also fooled myself into thinking that I can moderate the levels of a certain video game, but it leads me to sleep late and pmo more often than not. I give in to the temptation, and I can feel the dopamine rushing as I get excited when I think about that video game, and suddenly nothing else gives me as much pleasure as playing just one round. Give it a week or 2 weeks, and I'm spending hours playing and watching games, and that habit usually has me feeling so low that I seek pmo as a kind of solace. I feel at that moment that it's the only thing that can give me some power, strength. I have to get back on this horse, for real this time. I'm uninstalling the game and changing my passwords for good. I cannot excel and grow whilst playing this game at the same time. It is physically impossible, as experience shows time and time again. I need also to meditate. I miss meditation. I want to bring it back. It gives me such clarity, focus, strength, relaxation, and concentration - all tools that I can use against this... addiction.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Do things that are productive. Clean the house. Go for walks. If you have a dog take it with you. I notice that my mood is much better when I do these things. Laziness is one of my root causes of unhappiness and just doing these small things make me feel so much better.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Thanks BruceWayne. I'll start small. Since my last post ive watched porn 3 times. 1 very late at night, after watching certain video game, 1 in the morning, and tonight, again after watching youtube. I think I need to lock youtube again, there is no other real alternative I see that would worj i the short-term. Maybe I can use the energy gained from a few days of abstinence to cultivate some real clarity and commitment.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. In all honesty, I think every time you look at porn you should not even bother posting about it in your journal. Right after it happens it's best to just carry on. Just get a spreadsheet or something and have that as a way to keep track for yourself and so other people can see how you're doing in that department. Don't even talk about porn in your journal. Just use your journal as a means to spill out your thoughts when it comes to improving your life. Remember. The more your life improves, the less likely you'll be to use porn.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Yeah, but I think writing about watching it helps. It helps give me a clearer conscience, and allows me to see if there's a pattern. But you're right BruceWayne, I don't put enough posts on my day-to-day, how I'm actually spending my time in a way that is productive and constructive. Right now I have a bad sleeping schedule, and I'm trying to fix that. I got a job offer, so I may work a few shifts on the weekend in this month before school. I also volunteer more these days, which is good. I should keep doing that. I don't exercise nearly as much as I should. I wanna go running. Maybe I should do it now.. not like I'm gonna be able to sleep anyway. Yeah maybe I'll go now. I'm also reading a bit more these days, which is good, but I still find myself watching pro-level gaming.. not good. Mainly because I don't spend just 1 hour on it and it's done. I watch hours and hours usually.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. A spreadsheet is a very good idea. I think we need to let other people know when we slip - and a spreadsheet gives a point of views that other means (counter/journal) don't. Just do incremental, positive changes. Only those changes will last.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. A spreadsheet, huh. Alright, I'll start one. Will do. Yeah, taking on too much will make starting too daunting. I'm gonna try staying awake for the day. I didn't end up running but did walk, and plan to do more for the rest of the day. When I came back from walking, there was P on my laptop, so I did watch a few more explicit images before deleting them all. I know that if I block everything I'll just find another means to it. So I need to stop this at its core, surface-level site blocking only takes you so far.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Here: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=30717.msg491139#new http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=30685.0 I certainly don't think you've hit rock bottom as Turtle, but there are some good advices nonetheless Walking is great. It's the foundation of health - not food, not running, not strength training, but walking. Preferably in the morning to enjoy the sunlight (vitamin D + resetting the circadian rhythm), and/or in the nature (being in nature is full of physical and mental benefits)
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Thanks Newnes for the links. I read them. I.. I'm not too sure of myself right now. Right now I have to go out to volunteering which I'm late for, because I've found a kind of new source that isn't porn but is explicit, and I MO'd to it yesterday and today. I was doing really well in the last week, but midway my girl came over and we had proper sex.. and well. All of these sexual thoughts suddenly found there was no strong and determined wall blocking their path. They just come in so easily, and I don't have the concentration, the mindful awareness to allow them to come and go. They grab my hand and I follow them. Anxiety, stress, being late, more stress, unfinished tasks. That's my brain right now. *sigh* just have to take a deep breath and move on. Things will get better
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Do you have to have sex with your girl? It seems it's what is putting you down lately. I like having sex too, but is it worth the price in this case? Can't your girl wait a few weeks/months, so that your brain disconnects real sex from porn, and stops giving you such a strong chaser effect? Or try Karezza? Not having sex can also be a way of using your time doing other things with her.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. Thanks for the speedy reply Newnes. Well, it's just this month to be honest. I'm moving to another university come September, new city. I'll have to break up with her, even though she's been very good to me and supportive. Tbh, it's usually always me that chooses when we have sex, because she's always down. She even understands it when I say I don't want to O, and is wary of that. So, come September I'll be single again, and maybe I can then try the disconnecting you're talking about. It's true, we can do other things instead of sex, maybe I'll come up with another way to share our time together. So about the breaking up thing, we've talked about it and she wants to try long-distance but I know I'm not for that. Part of me still wants to experience what's out there, and I think long distance would hinder that. Also, long distance is an extra step of commitment, for which I'm not ready for.
Re: Yearofchange's journal of just, you know, living. twice today unfortunately, gonna remove that niche i've found.
