Mornings are just so bad for me. So slow to get into a productive state of mind. Edit: Coffee did the trick. Got super productive. 5x gym now so far. Right this moment though I am feeling the comings and goings of an urge due to the fact that a toxic person in my life continues to interfere with how I live my life and I take that personally and let it affect me. I have to learn to not engage with it, and get better at disengaging, defusing with the thought of defensiveness before it transforms itself into my actions, because then it's too late, good luck stopping a moving train like that. Disengage. Defuse. Live your life how you see fit. Laugh off others perceptions in your mind, however be considerate and respectful to them on the outside. Because if you show that inner discredit and disrespect outwards, you're about to open a whole can of worms that will ruin your energy, waste your time and ultimately lead nowhere, fast.
Used my 4th pass last night. Very charged, psub fueled of course. Was a very relaxing one, you could say. That doesn't mean however that today is any easier. I'm finding it very hard to get out of bed. I'm procrastinating on a few tasks, too, and that certainly doesn't help. Edit: Another MO. Feeling very low energy all day. I was actually quite close to watching P, but again, I did not want to put that in my end-of-month tally that I watched P. I understand that it's a slippery slope. Instead I watched my psub material which is at its core beneficial and useful, but I am using it for the wrong reasons. Anyway, I'm going to try right now and clear as much of my to-do list as I can (by starting on one, and hoping that the momentum gets me rolling). If I can get some of my tasks done the subsequent days will be all that much easier. Edit2: Unfortunately i succumbed to pmo x2. i guess i was a bit depressed after getting pissed off last night. no excuses, though. Anyway, the next few days is gonna be tough, but I'm prepared to face the shittyness, the depression, as my mind recovers. Next time i cant let myself be taken into this state again so easily. I did this to myself as i see it. i chose to pick a fight instead of letting it go, and this is the repercussions. Anyway, a setback is just another bump in the road. A call for me to learn something from this experience and come out smarter.
I reached out yesterday and got some well-needed advice regarding my situation. I'm going to listen to this advice and put it into action. I already feel much more clear-headed this morning because of it. I am going to practice getting out of bed several times a day to make it a habit. I am also going to abstain from looking at my phone until after shower and breakfast, as before will send me into a nasty lingering unproductive state for the vital hours of the morning where I would rather be planning how to best tackle my day than entertaining myself with videos and games. Edit: i pmo'd twice again. very interesting that even with a clear head i succumb to it if i stay home. i cant stay home, if i do it just seems inevitable.
Doing well now that I realize what my triggers are. 1- Staying home 2- Late at night / very tired and need to sleep 3- Stress from procrastination / feeling angry, inadequate
Doing pretty well. MO yesterday, though. Soft trigger, but seeking. I should have slept sooner but was talking with a friend, got me to be way too tired and as per previous post, that's reason no. 2. Also talked with a girl and I am not at the place where I can talk to a girl and not think so much, constantly reconsidering what I said and what should i have said and shouldn't have added so quickly or msged or what should i have messaged. just all that negative chatter that comes from not being able to relax into the pressure. That was another factor that led to the MO, too.
Doing well, wrote down a to-do list and updating it frequently. It's really helping me to see what I have to do, I often lose track and then I get stressed and overwhelmed because of a few tasks that I put off and then it just feels like a sea of unfinished work. I'm in a good place. I just gotta keep the momentum going.
Had a super urge doing online shopping just now. Was getting a bit frustrated at something not loading and Boom. It was definitely a Super Urge because I felt the desire to want to, felt and saw in my mind exactly the specific kind of P I wanted to see, and even saw myself opening a new tab and finding it. crazy how this addiction do that. Anyway, I told myself i'll come here and wait at least 5 minutes, if I still want to do it then I'll consider it. As soon as I said that and the page started loading again the urge went away, but I still came here to write about it. I am so out of the urge right now I had to really think about remembering.. weird. Edit: late night pure MO as I was trying to sleep and I just couldn't sleep. Was very charged tonight.
I'm thinking that yesterday's super workout had something to do with being so charged. I think I let out a lot of stagnant energy as I really got my heart pumping. Slowly but surely I see my energy levels are rising, my mind becoming more willing to face the tasks I previously put off and talked myself out of, and seeing my body transform slowly and gradually. It feels good, and I have to keep the momentum going. Weightlifting is a beautiful thing. Edit: Felt very tired today, probably in part to yesterday's MO. Had an urge right now, wanting to just watch some P for that good feeling. So instead I came here to write about it. Edit2: Brain went seeking out Psub after a soft trigger. Ended up MOing tonight, which is not surprising, given how tired and low energy I've felt all night. Very weird how my body do that. Very interesting. I could've gone out tonight but was too tired to. Instead I wanted to stay home and rest but was a bit upset at someone's interference into my life, too. Now I'm wondering if it's my fault that I can't get over it or their fault for saying whatever. Either way, it's not compatible as I can't just forgive and forget that and move past it like it was nothing. At the same time, it probably doesn't change anything because they'll never change. Weird predicament, but hey it could be much worse and I acknowledge and am grateful for the blessings I have in my life.
I think the reason my mood was so low the past 2 days was that my body was fighting an infection. I feel much better today. I decided to stay home today, which is a dangerous choice. I just don't feel like going to the lib or a cafe, though. I will come and update this post if I have an urge.
So on Tuesday I had a pretty poor management at home, but can't say that I'm surprised. I had mentioned before that if I stay home it's inevitable. So yeah not a great day for the journey. I'm back on track now, though. Gym, coffee, studying n all that.
Had a bit of an urge last night and a bit of one today, but they weren't too strong. It's mostly the mornings and the low energy that comes with it. Probably because I don't have any appointment to meet in the morning it makes it difficult to get out of the bed. Hoping with exercise this gets better.
Man I don't even know what's really going on with my sexuality these days. I have very strong urges, I feel like it's my libido kicking in. I'm attempting to express myself more emotionally to myself and others, and also exercise to the point of exhaustion when I do go to the gym which is 2-3 times/week. Maybe it's my testosterone levels spiking up from the exercise come to think of it. Anywho, I find the need to O or I can't concentrate on anything productive. I don't know how healthy this is atm but this is what's going on. Just gotta keep track of it all. I will not attempt to lie or pretend like they didn't happen. I will be open to what I've done and leave the facts in the open, for this is the only way to get at the deeper underlying issues/topics that need to be addressed. Any attempt at sweeping under the rug reveals immaturity and a defensive coping mechanism of the ego, which tries to disillusion the self into thinking everything is fine. And for all I know it might be, it's just important to be aware of the facts and be open to creative solutions and forego any preconceived notions about what this journey might mean for any one of us, for we are all inherently unique in our particular sexuality. 1 psub and pmo on nov 30 (stranger pissed me off) 1 pmo yesterday dec 2 (news trigger) 1 pmo dec 3 (news trigger), 1 more pmo (studying, coffee, at home, chaser effect)
Sounds like you might be experiencing some brain fog. Mood swings, lack of focus, low energy... It all matches up to that. One time I was having such a severe brain fog, I literally couldn't do anything other than watching series. I'm not exaggerating, my mind was so clouded I'd just watch House M.D. for hours on end. No energy or focus for anything else during those days (it lasted for a week or two, with varying levels of severity). I don't think there's any quick fix for that, but exercising surely helps (just don't overdo it, or it might backfire on you). Maybe some medidation tracks or something like that, though I can't say I've ever tried that.
Yes yes, meditation has helped. I am trying to incorporate small bits and pieces here and there. Being able to dissociate from my thoughts, even for a small moment is sometimes enough to gain the mental space to take action. Coffee helps me, too. I am exercising every 2-3 days (3 days if I'm sore, 2 days if I'm good), and that is helping. 2 days is ideal, because the third day my mind and body become a bit sluggish and it's a bit difficult to get myself to the gym (like today) but I will study for now and keep the energy dormant for a couple hours which will help my resolve. I did pmo for really no reason two nights ago. I kind of just wanted to play a game more for the game's sake than its erotic content and it led to an unnecessary MO. I just realized I haven't made my November tally yet, I'll do that soon. Stay mindful, peeps.
Figuring some stuff out. Had two PMO's this week with excessive tv watching those days. Doing better now.
Doing much better now. This was a slow low-energy week. And that's okay sometimes. I feel like I needed it to get my mind straight and rediscover what's really important in my life.
Well ive let go of m's and counting them for the last bit. I'm surprised i can still do it at this frequency. But the mental drain is definitely present the next two to three days. Spent an evening feeling sorry for myself. Then had some great positive energy come in. I do choose my destiny these very same days.
