Yearofchange's journal.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by yearofchange, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    3rd pmo just now after a gruelling day. Was just very tired and watched youtube and it just seemed a natural progression from there.
  2. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Very interesting how I can be on a great streak and one trigger can throw that way by the wayside. I feel back into a good headspace today, though.
  3. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    So I was in a good headspace yesterday, but it went by the wayside. I got enough courage to approach an attractive girl, but I stuttered and stammerred my way to a swift rejection. It was embarrassing. And the feelings, there was so much feeling and I didn't like it one bit and it was so new and I hated it. I never knew there was so much feeling. Is that what I have been dreading? What approach anxiety is? Whatever it was it was very intense and I felt so stupid and lots of self-loathing and stress, which is weird because I thought I'd feel great for taking a step in the right direction. I definitely did not. And I realized things about myself too. I'm not a catch, not right now. I'm no good at the things I say are my passion, I don't take action in any of the creative endaevours I come up with, I don't have a job a car or a place. Frankly, I'm a disgrace to my self-perception. I spend my time watching youtube and shows, I don't go to the gym either. I sleep in and do the bare minimum to get by through my day. I cower away from the smallest important tasks and have no real structure in my weeks and days.

    And it's honestly refreshing to see all of that.

    Anyway, I mo'd last night to a vid and woke up and couldn't sleep, so I pmo'd too. That brings the total to 5 pmo's (counting the first one as a psub) since last Sunday. This month started well, but fell after the cuddling session. Anyway, I hated last night's embarassmant, but I'm glad to have done it regardless.
  4. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Another one today. Damn.
  5. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    MO today but doing well. Going through a stressful time, but trying to cope.
  6. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Alright, PMO yesterday.

    Although I finished the month poorly, without the trigger there that set it off I feel like I was actually going to get through it. There was also the bad night where I wasn't able to cope with the feelings of approaching someone. The total number tally is:

    Pure MO: 1 (Oct 5)
    Soft trigger MO: 1 (Oct 16)
    P-seeking MO: 4 (Oct 11, 22, 26, 30)
    Hard trigger PMO: 2 (Oct 23, 24)
    PMO without trigger: 3 (Oct 27, 28, 31)

    Lets try to bring those lower numbers higher up the list for November.

    Also count that I will keep is number of times went to gym. For October it was 2.
    Last edited: Nov 1, 2018
  7. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Big urge for a very specific P right now.

    I ended up MOing. Better to start the month with an M than a P !
  8. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Man, home life is so friggin stressful.

    Edit: stress from home is a main reason ive escaped to P. anyway, there are better ways of coping and ill find and develop them. did well today. i was actually close to succumbing, but then i remembered how i would have to add a watched P to the end-of-month tally and that's what stopped me. i want to be proud of me at the end of November, not.. well my usual.
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2018
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Doing well. Bit depressed, but doing well.
  10. SalamanderPanda

    SalamanderPanda New Member

    Man, after reading you journal I first wanted to write:

    "what? you posted your first entry 2014, thats freaking 4 years ago? and are stille here?"

    But after rethinking I am more helpful:
    Check out the book "Whack- Addicted to internet porn", by Noah Church. He also produces videos on this topic.
    (And don't even think about having a PMO started by YT browsing)

    Wish you all the best. Just one day after another.
  11. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Haha :D Yeah! It's been 4 years now. Creeps up on you like that. I did not think it would take this long to be honest. You start the journey and there's a lot of ups and downs. Lots of learning about noPMO lifestyle and self-learning especially. But that's what happens when you don't have the tools to cope with life, and have to use PMO to fill the negative void within to increase enough positive motivation/release enough stress energy to be able to accomplish life-related tasks.

    I can, however, say that each and every day from joining this forum and setting myself on this journey I have felt a sense of peace whenever I am on the journey. I feel that yes, this is what I want - and need - to do, and no matter how long it takes I will stick through it to the end.

    I wish you the same, and welcome to the forum.
  12. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Doing well, doesnt even feel like 6 days. Trying to make headway on projects. Bit by bit.

    Today's insight: Embrace your dark and wild side. It's there for a reason. To be embraced, not rejected.
  13. Rengaw

    Rengaw Will log on every other week from 13/10/2016

    Hi man,

    Seems you're on the same path as I am: reducing the fapping and the porn, but still having it in your life for many years. I've been a member of these forums from 2014, just like you. Let's not make it another 4 years over here shall we?!
    I like the fact you keep posting on this board. It's a routine. I am going to pick this routine too, I want porn to be gone within half a year. Then, I will turn 30 and I want to leave this poison behind before I enter a new era. In order for this to work I have cut out alcohol now - for November - but I might keep a zero tolerance to alcohol.

    Anyohoo stay safe brother!
    yearofchange likes this.
  14. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Alcohol is a hard one to keep out, especially due to it being so socially acceptable. I remember I was under heavy peer pressure to partake in intoxication that would throw me off my noPMO game and I would lose my energy, my motivation, and really just get off track in my life, because I didn't have the balls to say no.

    I find coming to this forum really helps me remember my reasons for abstaining. It also helps give me the space I need to think clearly when I have urges.

    Best of luck fellow comrade. We have been here a while, but I take that as a badge, because I have not given up the good fight, and nor will I ever. I've had friends here come and go, some successful and some who chose that they're not in the phase in their life to overcome this. 4 years may seem like a long time, but to me it's not. This is our entire sexuality we're talking about here, and with that comes associated areas, such as assertiveness, sense of worth, self esteem, self efficacy, and true purpose/priority jn life, to name a few.

    I find it's true that it's different for each person, and that in the end, it doesn't matter one bit how long it takes. What's important is that we get there.
  15. SalamanderPanda

    SalamanderPanda New Member

    After reading both your post it seems that much more research has to be done regarding this addiction. I mean, if there would be more talk about the (subconscious) effects of pornography on the mind and the way somebody sees his/her life, maybe it would help others (younger ones mostly) from making the same mistakes as we did.

    On a side note, I recommend both of you this YT channel:

    Have been listening to his vids (converted to mp3) lately, when I am bus-hopping to university. Like his vision on this subject.
  16. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Thanks SalamanderPanda, I'll give his channel a listen for sure. I find people who are able to show their face to the world and talk about this taboo topic are brave for doing so. That they are putting the chance to stop others from falling into this addiction above their humility and anonymity.

    I used a second pass this afternoon. I was very very tired and could have probably warded off the urge if I hadn't been, but slept poorly last night and had to wake up early too. But no real harm done. I have still used only two of my passes and feel I can get through this month alright. I see there is a new internet fad for NNN and that makes me happy, but that isn't for me at this time for sure. I wouldn't be able to last a whole month at this point. Just gotta know where you're at.
  17. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Doing well. Stumbled on some P by complete accident but it didn't have the same effect on me as before. I found this as a great sign, and not indicative that "I've lost my ability to get turned on" as I had previously in my journey. I closed it and am going about my night.
  18. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Had a pretty vivid P dream before my alarm woke me up. Not too triggered by it though the image is still in my head. Made me think, if my alarm hadn't rung I probably wouldn't have known I had the dream. Which in turn made me think.. how many times do we have dreams like this but we don't know because we sleep through it. Sometimes I feel there's a whole different world in my subconscious and my conscious self is but a part of that. Maybe mindfulness can help us not be so engaged with the part we know and help is tap into a bit of what the other bigger part is saying.

    Anyway, just a thought. So far I've gone to the gym thrice this month. Hopefully I don't need to use a pass until at least the 16th. Had an urge yesterday night before sleep. It was due to extreme tiredness and went away as I decided to sleep. Have to come up with a better bedtime routine to prevent staying up at times like that, in states like that. Because it is very dangerous. I'm thinking a nice audiobook is the way to go.
  19. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I feel an urge to watch P right now and this is the general vibe/feeling I get from it: "heyy, by the way this is a thing you could do right now before sleep, make you feel good, and help get you right to sleep faster so you dont have to feel so tired. come on, have a go, no problem, you feel up to it. you could if you wanted to, just saying."

    So it's being very devious and clever. But i've fallen for its deceptions enough times before to recognize when I need to take a step back and really analyze it. And when i analyze it i realize that it wouldnt be a good idea because it's only the 11th and not the 16th, and that it wouldnt make me feel better, it will make my tomorrow much worse. i also see that tiredness is the issue, not horniness, so I will put on a sleepy thing and sleep to meet my real need.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018
  20. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Feeling an urge right now as I have not really started my day. I started by watching a youtube video upon waking this morning and have done nothing since. Really have to fix this morning routine. I always have very big urges when I stay at home. And I know I should go out. I should just stop thinking about it and do it. That chatter that tells me I can't do it or I can't get up or I can't start my tasks and whatnot will always be there. I just have to learn to realize that it's not controlling my actions. I am.

    Edit: I did decide to stay home, and I MO'd. Couldn't not, too charged to do anything. It's a bad habit that my mind turns to Youtube as soon as I open the browser/look at my phone for too long.
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2018

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