Yearofchange's journal.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by yearofchange, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Good to see you back, Yearofchange. I upgraded to a smart phone earlier on this year, and honestly I am so glad that I managed to get a period of sobriety behind me before I did. I know that I wouldn't have got far with easy access to porn anywhere 24/7. I know a few guys who have found it necessary to downgrade to basic phones with no access to the internet. Its a bit of a sacrifice once you are used to having the convenience of a smart phone, but one that eliminates a powerful source of temptation.
  2. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Thanks by stopping by Freedom, and it's nice to be back. I'll always come back, again and again for now and for ever until I've gained control of my mind.

    That is quite the sacrifice, and I can see it being a necessary step if the temptation is too great to resist. I will have to wait and see this month whether it is doable for me.

    I had a slight urge today when I came from the shower and instantly turned to browse social media/ memes on my phone. I felt when it came how phone and internet browsing caused me to enter a more susceptible state than when I first came out of the shower. Interesting stuff.

    Anyway, aside from that doing great. Well, I had some tough emotions to fight through this afternoon. I can't help but think the abstinence is heightening my emotions, or maybe the emotions are there it's just that there is nothing numbing the sensations from my awareness.

    Anyway, I hit a point in my state where I asked myself if this is how I want to live my life, allowing these emotions free reign over my behaviour, or whether taking control of them is the next essential step for growth.

    I decided on the latter, and getting through it was not an ordeal any longer as much as it was a process.
  3. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Alright, going well so far. I used one of my passes last night, as I put on a youtube video about someone talking how to approach women and learn to be okay with the tension inside the body. I decided to use the pass since leaving it would have made today borderline unbearable.
  4. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Having an urge atm, but I'm not going to use my pass today. It would be a waste, and I think I will need it for next week for instance. Just came here to acknowledge this and move on.

    Still battling it. It's stronger than ever right now, and I've been having way too much screentime today and I believe that's a big contributor.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2018
  5. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Feeling more energy today. Did some cleaning, some groceries, tidying up n exercising. Now all I need is to study a bit to make it a real full day. I am a bit upset my friend can't come over, but hey that's life sometimes. Gonna exercise that tension away.

    Edit: worked well for previous urge. At the moment I'm getting a stress-originated urge. Gonna feel my way through this with some pushups on the side.
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2018
  6. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Worked through it last night, meditated myself to sleep. I seem to find it hard to concentrate for a good period of time, my brain gets tired pretty easily. I'm expecting the retention to have positive effects on my level of engagement with the activities I choose to use my time on though. Orgasms tend to leech away energy, yes, but with that energy also fades away this level of active focus, conscious action and general awareness and motivation. I'm proud of working through this tension this weekend on my own, even though I was at home alone, connected to the internet via my laptop and my phone. It shows me that I have what it takes to restrain myself if I am in the right state of mind and hold the right mindset. The strategy of the passes is working well for me so far. The idea just kind of came to me and it fits me well. Maybe it helps some others here too.

    The goal is clear. Make this October full of good habits and minimize bad ones.

    I had an urge originating from not wanting to start my work just now, but gonna work through it and start anyway.

    Edit: got some good studying in today. overall pretty productive. now i just gotta get past that nighttime angsty feeling, but i think i know how. ill just put on a talk and meditate. i would like this to be my bedtime ritual.
    Last edited: Oct 9, 2018
  7. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Hey everyone, hope you guys are well.

    I know I am, I'm waking up earlier these days, learning to be one with the stress inside my body that comes frequently and forcefully, telling me that I'm worthless and useless and blablabla. One that comes up very often is me hating myself, usually at the face of something that I can't do well or a task that I repeatedly put off. Anyway, taking a neutral attitude to these thoughts and learning to allow them to do what they do, a kind of.. strategic engagement with them. Have enough distance to not get caught up and feed it and become the thought process, but keep it in close awareness, feeling it and allowing it to fully express itself.

    My October strategy is working well so far.

    Edit: Had a very focused study session today. Long and focused, thanks to awesome music. I then went to the gym because I had so much internal energy that needed releasing. Doing well.
    Last edited: Oct 10, 2018
  8. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I used one of my passes last night. Woke up after a short nap and couldn't go back to sleep, and I was restless from having all that libido. It wasn't a great MO, because I was feeling it at first but the urge went away and I was still doing it out of old habits I guess. It felt 'seeking' if that makes sense. And that decreased the pleasure greatly. Even now I don't feel, relieved, if that makes sense, whereas last time I did. Anyway, good that I did 6 days, last time I did for. Maybe this time it'll be 8, lol. I have to proactively use the increased energy/tension/stress inside my body before it becomes uncontrollable. Will update later tonight.

    Edit: Studied for 5 hours, brain got super fried. Was spent and stressed at the end of it. And then some family issues i had to deal with. We'll get through it though. Together n stuff. Forgiveness is a big part of it. Anyway, gonna for a walk, clear my head n all that. Stay strong dudes

    Edit 2: Damn, tonight was a rough night. Super super shitty night. I'm actually glad I MO'd last night now, because I would probably have watched P if I hadn't.
    Last edited: Oct 12, 2018
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Doing well with the pass strategy. I have more energy these days that I spend studying and tending to my body (e.g. stretching via resistance band and load/unloading to release muscle tension that's exacerbated by sitting especially). I still have a couple mind things that I need to tend to, since delaying them constantly is giving me stress that's been pretty numbed out by months of avoidance, but is still there, feeding a dose of cortisol with every thought. But at least I am more aware of their presence, that itself is a great first step. I get close every now and then to do them too, especially in the mornings.
  10. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Have a small urge right now. Gonna put on some music and do some work though.
  11. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Have a bit of an urge today. Most of my urges arise from being at home in front of the computer it seems.

    Edit: Had fun today, but didn't do much studying and exercising. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to do both!
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2018
  12. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Wasnt productive today, juat caught up with old friends, which may be more important sometimes. It was a good day.

    I really want to meet people. I've had opportunities to talk to girls but I never take them. I have an urge at the moment. Trying to sleep before it gets too big.
  13. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Had an erotic dream with no O this morning. Gonna try to stay home and get some work done today. I know that it's a bit dangerous not going to library, though. Lots more temptations to procrastinate at home, which could eventually lead to me peeking. Maybe I'll reconsider.

    Edit: I did not end up going out. But I will do so now. I just didnt want to go out. I have a lot of tasks that need doing that I just am not getting around to. I'll write them down and vow to do them in the next 2 days. I did MO now too. I now only have 1 pass remaining for this month, and I lasted only 6 days again this time. Hopefully I can last more this time around, to make getting to the end of the month a bit easier.

    Edit2: At the library now. Should have probably gotten myself here earlier. I will write out my todo list on my break and organize my tasks, my life and most importantly my mind. I have a lot of things to do and I just gotta do them to get back on track, otherwise, even when im being "productive" i am still wasting valuable time and energy.
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2018
  14. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Everything's going well today. Didn't have much energy when I woke up, snoozed, and browsed the interwebs more than I should have, but I took a shower, shaved my beard (can't tell you how much of a difference that makes!), and I'm suddenly at the library ready to start studying the day away with a nice cup of joe.

    I do have to set up my day and alarm to not snooze so much, though. This should be my next project to focus on after I finish my tasks.
  15. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    This whole deal with not having active interactions with girls is really starting to get to me and make me angsty. I feel the nervous energy coming from not pursuing, approaching and talking to girls. I need to satisfy this somehow, but I've decided I need it to be in the world, it can't start digitally because that's too easy. Ideally this energy pushes me to get out of my comfort zone, so I will not subdue it and instead let it rise until it stirs me into action because it will make my default way of behaving (passively) more anxious than actively going out and approaching and initiating conversations.
  16. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Woke up early today. Have a full day ahead so always nice to get up early and get a good start.

    Edit: Just took a nap. Dreams were revolved around me peeking. I thought I failed my October goal and felt guilty and everything. I even said I just used my last pass for the month and now I don't know what to do. No O. Brain is clearly not used to me not PMOing. I woke up with a super urge and slowly getting myself through it. It would be a lot easier if I just meet someone haha. This is the realization I need to come to. This is the energy that stirs me out of my complacency.

    Edit2: Went out tonight. No studying, but cooked food and tidied up and all that. I also was able to say a bit of something to someone on the street, and that was very uplifting. There was another woman in transit that we were eye flirting, but I didn't end up having the courage to go say hi.
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
  17. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Cuddled with friend last night, that was fun. I am a bit more susceptible due to blue balls and lack of sleep though. I had an opportunity to talk to a girl on the bus today but I got nervous and screwed it up. Still not bad, though! What would be bad is if all I did was pmo and didnt even go out to have these failed attempts. I'm very much trying.

    Edit: Took a nap to overcome the vulnerability brought about by sleeplessness. Still an urge that comes and goes now. If it grows too strong I may have to use my last pass of the month.
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
  18. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Ended up using my last pass yesterday. I had a slow start to my day today, too, and even now just got triggered browsing and peeked for 30 seconds.

    What's important is what I do from here. Yes, I peeked. Important to understand how the chaser effect could have contributed, and come up with a much better strategy to wake up in the mornings so that this doesnt happen again.

    Edit: I pmo'd from browsing. Went right back into browsing from the shower and with my brain easily susceptible it wasnt hard to convince myself to peek again. I'm going to do all I can to make this the only one of the month.

    Edit2: Studied well today. Still haven't got back my exercise routine after getting sick and sports-related injuries though.
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2018
  19. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I have to make exercise a priority. Oh well, at least I'm getting through my long-awaited tasks a bit more these days. Library and coffee is helping with that.

    I have markedly lower energy today. I guess I got used to the comparably vast amount of energy with no P and O so I'm attributing it to that. Come to think of it I have to be careful with starting exercise again, as that will definitely increase my drive and urges. I may even need to give myself more passes or something. That's something to think about for later. As of now I have the rest of this month to get through with no passes, and I will do my very best to keep stress at bay so as to not contribute to my urges.

    Edit: was very productive today, but I got triggered browsing again and PMO'd just now. I will uninstall the app the triggered me for the second time in a row now. It was the same app that triggered my yesterday but I thought it was a coincidence. Now I see that some content is too triggering. I could not stop myself being curious once I got triggered. Anyway, all a learning experience. What's important is to be moving in a positive direction.
    Last edited: Oct 23, 2018
  20. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Woke up early today, thanks in part to a new alarm clock. Being productive n all that. Feel good after uninstalling the trigger app. More clear of mind and less distracted.

    Edit2: Productive today. Although I am a bit bored now and have enough energy for a slight urge but not enough to go to the gym. Think I'll just try to meditate/read.
    Last edited: Oct 24, 2018

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