Youtube can be a dangerous trigger for me too. I find that I can quickly go into zombie mode during which I experience cravings. You can very easily find yourself in relapse territory. Have you tried using web applications like Stayfoucused? You can put a timer on certain websites which may help you limit your online consumption.
I do have stayfocused for chrome actually. Unfortunately I use other devices n such to bypass it in certain times. I just really need to get out of the house and make that a priority. Today I stayed home and have literally done nothing but eat a frozen pizza and watch shows. The chaser effect also seems to be getting me, twice today. But I should'nt be surprised as I do not exercise enough to get that energy out. And I have things that I tell myself I should be doing and these invoke enough stress to make me even more vulnerable. Writing this all out helps, and thank you for your reply Freedom, means a lot.
I was just clearing out bookmarks and I had some links stashed away there. Ending up M-ing and peeking, not to O though. I kind of just wanted to see them and skim through them so I wouldn't have the temptation to go and find them or something. So I ended up peeking for about 20 minutes, and now I am back in control again, and the bookmarks are gone.
Went hiking today for 6-7 hours. Getting out and active is really essential to getting out of that mental rut I find myself in at times.
Watching this new channel about approaching women and emotional intelligence. Really interesting. Fearless Man, check it out if that interests you. I pmo'd tonight, feeling a bit stressed from things I have to do for thursday. I'll have to get some real progress in my tasks. Still, even with the pmo i am doing better these days.
I spent all day in bed today. O-ing destroys my mind n body n energy at this point in time. I need to get off and stay off.
I'm going to start doing everything in my power to quit this addiction. Now with school done, it's my number one priority.
Been busy and doing well the past couple of days. Walking a lot, planning, socializing, doing tasks, moving out. I can feel my libido rising again, and now that I have some momentum I know I'm at increased risk. But all I need to do is remind myself of the very low state of mind and complete wastes of a day that followed it in the past 2 weeks to remember that no pleasurable sensation is worth that. If I keep reminding myself that I will have a clear purpose I'm doing this for which will make refraining from pmo that much more important.
Just an urge rn, related to sleepiness. Reminded myself of the low the day after and why i'm going no-O for the time being. This helped let the urge go. Now for sleep.
Damn I'm doing pretty well. Stumbled onto some P earlier today but I shut it off because I don't want to get triggered. I also deleted them before I even gave em' a peek. I usually do the 'one last time' deal but as I understand that I don't want to have that as part of my life anymore at all, in any aspect, it's a lot more straightforward my path. Anyway, here's to a few days and many more.
I'm noticing women and girls a lot more today. Even turned on in public, to the point of contemplating whether rubbing one out just MO no P no Psub is a good idea or not. I decided it's not as I want my body to become resensitized to having this inside along with its more charged feelings rather than 'reset' my hormones and have it build back up again. I have a belief that physiologic and hormonal recovery is accelerated with no touching whatsoever, and that the urges come strong as a way to get back to 'normal' which for me has been low energy and motivation. I want to re-set my normal energy level too much higher so that's why I am going to try no pmo whatsoever for the moment.
Small urge tonight, a trigger off of a memory of a music video. I breathed through it and felt it rather than choosing the salient option to pick up my phone and watch that scene. I found out I can actually breathe through it and feel the unpleasant charged emotion and it does really go away if I don't do anything to add to it. My addict mind was telling me that it won't hurt to just see that one scene, but I know it was trying to trick me, because if I had there's no telling what I wouldve done after.
ive been very tired today. mind has told me if i rub one out i can get to sleep easier. i dont want to reset the cycle. i want my body to adapt to this new me, not me adjusting myself to how it feels. it is a child, wanting what feels good, i am am adult, and i know better. this is too important work for me to give up now, for a few moments of pleasure. the low after is not worth it, the derailment of my life is not worth it. my body will listen to me, not the other way around. not tonight.
sleep schedules a bit out of whack, just woke up really passed out from lack of sleep and had some weird dream. I very much dislike having depersonalizing dreams as i am afraid of mental illnesses and have a bit of anxiety over it. anyway, all is good. it may be easier to give in but what is the point of that. it may feel sucky now with insomnia, but it will feel worse after O because I have to live with myself and try to justify why i did o and how i can not give in next time and all that, just so much work. honestly easier to break the cycle and stay off. just need to remind myself of this. Edit: I mo'd. I wanted to connect to people so I went on tinder. ended up mo-ing. in a way my body may have been ready for it, on the other hand i am now demotivated to actually go meet and connect with anybody. kind of a catch 22. the intent was good, but i guess i wasn't ready
Sleeping was a lot better today with my mo in the early morning. no real brain fog or other symptoms, just tiredness mostly throughout the day relieved by naps. pretty jet laggy. starting to feel better though. only chaser was right after the mo, were i was feelong unpleasant feelings of shame regret n stress taking my body. i continued with touching for no reason in particular until i listened to a meditation and followed its steps to fully feel the emotion instead of running away. it was hard it sucked and i did not enjoy staying with the unpleasant feeling, but after a few minutes it helped relieve my chaser effect and let me sleep and rest. important note was that i cant control the shitty unpleasant feeling. i can only accept and surrender to the fact that it's there and it exists. anyway, best wishes.
I did well today, but I got into bed and instead of doing my regular routine of putting on a podcast I went on tinder and ended up mo-ing much like last night, just a lot shorter. I'm gonna put that app away. I thought I could control it and even have some positive interactions through it but clearly I'm not ready.
Better today, foggy in the morning. That whole going on tinder really sidetracked me. Now that I've put it aside I am much better focused on my followthrough.
Doing well today. Got out of the house in am, napped, eating well, read a bit. Edit: some urge right now. origin is a mix of boredom and stress. gotta remember it wont make me feel better. nothing that i watch will make me feel better, so there is no reason to watch or touch.
I actually made the decision to delete my tinder and bumble apps. There’s just too much triggering material and also a lot of the conversation on there is sexual.
