Just peeked. Got very triggered off a youtube comment. It was def going to happen so i rather have get the peaking done n over with before it adds up to a bigger regret. Got me thinking, what is it about this dopamine seeking brain, that increases its urge for dopamine to be released depending on our hormone status. Cause that's what it is, isn't it? A very new way of looking at it for me.
Heya everyone. I started my next work placement and I did well in the first week. Working on self-esteem through self-help books and it's helping immensely. It's helping with the copious amounts of stress and anxiety that I feel almost constantly with the thought of doing tasks that fall under my responsibility. I still feel inadequate and 'not enough' to overcome my tasks and do tasks that I need to do. This feeling of not being good enough spreads over areas of my life, such as school, work, talking to girls, going to the gym, writing creatively, dancing, keeping in touch with some contacts. . . basically... every area, I guess. hm. . . gotta practice practice practice. What is willing, anyway. Can we sometimes not be willing, yet take a step to acting anyway. Isn't that how you overcome your self ? Because there is a self inside that is telling you to do it. Then there are these self-limiting thoughts that have their own strength. And those thoughts are what we think through when we try to rationalize. So thinking won't work in that case, if we want to dissassociate from those thoughts and act. In order to act we just have to come fully into the present, notice each and every one of our actions and practice performing deliberate action. We have to be, and do. Be, and do. Be, and do. Again and again, until we can break free, make those thoughts lose their power over us. Lemme know if this makes sense, cause I think it does to me.
Thanks dyl So, I'm doing pretty well in all areas of my life right now. I'm making progress with the ample time I have now that's not being leeched away from me from video games. It's nice. Still feel anxiety when Indont go to the gym, so I need to have that as a constant. I had an assignment to finish for Sunday night, and although I tried immensely to get started on it both 6-7 hrs on Saturday and after work on Sunday I did not break through that mental barrier. I did end up pmo-ing (very consciously, it felt very much a byproduct of the failure to act on what my inner self wanted me to do.) twice in 1 session on Sunday night with some watching. First one was fine, had been a while and my brain n body were good. Second one, had feelings of guilt and regret leech in, to which I tried to be as friendly to as I could, though I fucking hated those feelings. I woke up and cooked food this morning, rested a bit, ended up pmo-ing again. It did not feel great either. For the rest of the afternoon I showered, cleaned the kitchen, folded clothes, went to the store to buy food products as well as hygiene things, returned a book to the bookstore, and tidied my room. I also talked to my cousin, caught up with messages, reach out to my friend who held me accountable and said spend 30 mins working on your assignment and I'll check back. So I did, and the mental barrier was overcome. I finished the assignment, and had the rest of the night to relax. Although I did also take a break near the start and pmo, a 4th time in 2 days. This didnt feel too bad, more like a do it, so I can calm the f down and continue studying kinda deal. Anyway, now I can go back to not pmo-ing with the assignment out of the way. I know that this isnt ideal, but I am working on building initiative and finding strategies to circumvent the very real mental barrier that comes. What I did today was a variation of the Pomodoro technique and it worked very, very well, with the aid of a supportive friend who knows how I work of course. I am choosing not to beat myself up for the pmo sessions and instead focusding on the intent and follow-through with the real effort I put in these 3 days. I think better use of my resources. Anyway, keep fighting the good fight brethren.
I'm doing well in many areas of my life, but I'm still held back due to anxiety in some areas. And these are important areas. I'm making a conscious effort to become more aware in these aspects, and make a conscious effort to act instead of lose the fight to my mind. Being more in the body than the mind helps, as does tricks to get you started like the 5 min rule.
I finished my assignment! Holy f* that was hard to start and keep going. But I did it, and I'm happy about it. It did take me a PMO before to calm myself down enough to start, but I made an enormous conscious effort all night yesterday and all day this morning, and I view this as a success. I am no longer going to beat myself up for not being the person I want to be, already, because I understand to be that person requires work, and work takes steps. I have to take the necessary steps to grow and develop in areas and practice stepping out of my comfort zone again and again to become more and more skilled in stepping out of my comfort zone. It's just like weightlifting, I don't start with 50's that I can't lift, I start with 20's with perfect form. If I can't do 20's, f* it I'm dropping down to 15. I'll drop down to 10 if I have to, because I know, with this process and this mindset that in 12 months I will be lifting 60's.
Going well, slept a ton last night, because the night before I got very little sleep. I also had a very weird sex-filled dream. After waking up I could actually feel the sex center in my brain, and it was a very profound experience. Came to realize that this whole no-pmo thing is actually working out, and that I can actually overcome this and transcend my lust. Very cool stuff. Btw it is not just no pmo that I am doing. I am exercising a ton more, and doing a lot of work also delving into my personal insecurities. This experience is probably a combination of the above factors.
Still not strong enough in the area of certain responsibilities to delve into it and just get err' done. I ended up pmo-ing. I've been very tired recently with work, and this on top is just a bit more than i could handle. Anyway, at least i started the assignment. I would finish it now, too, but have to get ready for work. should be careful not to beat myself up about this, because that will cause me to go into a bad spiral.
So I was doing well, keeping busy and all that, but I had an assignment and an essay and the stress took over. I also was probably watching too much youtube, but again, using that bad coping strategy isn't the way to deal with my life's problems, Anyway had a very difficult week and a half, pmo-ing pretty constantly, managing to get through the last of my semester, now only an assignment to go for tomorrow and I'm done. I peeked today and M'd, and almost O too but just close I felt the after-effect of depression hitting me hard and got up because it isn't worth it. How different my life, mind and body is without pmo, it's just ridiculous.
Pmo'd last night. Posting here to keep myself accountable. What worked fornme last time was coming here and writing an update whenever I had an urge. I'm going to start doing that. This is my journal after all, and this is my life after all.
Alright, another urge. Honestly I would have succumbed if I didn't have to come here and post about it. I slept all night n all day. Around 15 hours. Everytime i try to leave the house i feel like i cant. I def need to leave the house, though. I have to try to get outside tonight.
Stick with it, yearofchange, sobriety is worth the pain. You demonstrate the quality of perseverance which gets you far along the road of recovery, in my opinion. It is a good idea to keep posting here whenever you experience urges. I connect in a similar way to my SA fellows and I find that it is a strategy that always works. Keep up the good fight
Thanks Freedom. Always good to hear from ya. I'm elated to say I have some good news today. I managed to get out of my house yesterday night, go for a 2 hour walk, and slept pretty okay considering. Now I have an urge that is due to me needing to go to sleep soon, which I will. But I also got out of the house today, getting a haircut, and watched a movie at the theatres with a friend. Every step counts when you're in a rut, and I'm happy to say that I feel like I'm out of the rut I've been the past few days.
Today I tidied my room a bit and played some basketball, was nice. I was not feeling very strong at all, but it was nice to get up and moving. Sports are way different than working out, I was super super tired. At home right now, getting to that point in the night where I get bored and mindlessly watch internet and then eventually succumb to the deed. Well, i'm here right now though, and i've written about it, so I'll decide to do something more constructive tonight.
Another urge. I am getting quite sleepy and it brings my brain's defenses down and I become more vulnerable as a result. I have come here and written, urge's crawling fingertips have stopped extending like an alien infested spaceship (just recently saw a playthrough of a game like that, lol) and now I can go listen to an audio dhamma talk to sleep. This strategy is really helping so far.
I've come a long way since I first started on this site. Years have gone by and I've changed, much for the better I'm glad to say.
Another urge. I'm glad I started writing here again. Helps keep me on track. Gonna listen to a talk n sleep instead of what I would do.
A setback last night late into the night I was searching for dopamine inducing material on youtube (watching ppl play games) and ofc wound up watching the most dopamine inducing material there is. I need a stringent bedtime routine, and greater resolve. I plan to develop both of these today.
