Yearofchange's journal.

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by yearofchange, Jun 28, 2014.

  1. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Thanks man, I ended up finishing my assignment. I was very charged even after finishing it, and I watched a bit of youtube (material was slightly triggering, but ended <5 minutes, I also seeked it, as I said I was Very sexually charged), but I eventually got tired and fell asleep listening to a podcast on perfectionism. For the better, really, because after leg day on Wednesday my calves/knee tendons really needed the rest. Anyway, doing well. A bit of urge to play video games tonight, but I will not give away any of my self-control away, so I didn't play.
    1234dyl likes this.
  2. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    So stressed, but because I didnt escape to games or porn, I was able to clear a bit of my errands. Cook food, try some admin stuff. Still stress is in my body. A lot of it. But im going to write it out and hopefully that helps out. Tn starting a first night shift. It's actually prolly be easier but I'm still stressed because it's a new environment.
    1234dyl likes this.
  3. 1234dyl

    1234dyl Active Member

    Be careful with night shifts dude sleep is so important
  4. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    It is eh. I got back and i have this feeling of 'i need to go to sleep cuz im prolly suuuuuper tired' but also 'i dont feel like retreating to sleep' brcause of that hyperish 2nd wind.

    I'll listen to a meditation by headspace. that'll be a productive pre sleep routine.
  5. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Thanks 1234dyl. It definitely would have. I will go this week, since last week I ended up getting too tired from finishing the assignment.

    I have not PMO'd, I have not peeked, except the very, very soft youtube vid last week. I have not played video games. Over 2 weeks now.

    Tonight is hard. I am disappointed in myself because of something that arose. Feelings are not nice, nor are they logical. It is, however, very very real, and wants me to play video games and peek to escape the feelings of disappointment.

    So I have come here, and I've written my current state down, and now I see that watching will not help solve my problems. If I am disappointed in myself, then I should take that book I got, go to the coffee shop tomorrow, sit down and read it. That's how I will fix the problem of disappointment in myself. Watching porn or playing video games will not solve the problem, and it will feel guilty, and I hate that feeling of guilt. Honestly, the feeling of guilt is much stronger than the feeling of pleasure and escape that I gain from either of those two activities. I'm making new habits here. Every choice counts, every act, every decision.

    And tonight I will make the right one. Over and over again.

    Edit: I did end up MOing to a random youtube video. Tonight was a tough night. Honesty is important in this journey, though. Plus side: I did not seek, rather stumbled upon. I have to forgive myself for tonight and make sure my resolve did not take a beating, and if it did, to help it reach the level it was at before my MO. This will require some work, but I find it's what's kept me off video games and porn these last 2 weeks, so it's a worthy investment of my time and effort.
    Last edited: Feb 6, 2018
  6. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    When you’re dealing with years of brain training you can’t blame youself for using some sort of synthetic sexual stimulation to make yourself feel better. We’ve conditioned ourselves to use these pixels of fake women and fake sex to better our emotional state.

    In a way, since we tend to do such a poor job at handling emotions, porn and what comes with it was a good thing for us because it kept us sane.

    But now were at a point in our lives where it’s become a problem and not only that it’s time to grow up and learn how to handle our emotions, good or bad, the right way.
    1234dyl likes this.
  7. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Thanks Bruce. I've come to view it similarly, but more so the only coping strategy I've had to use at my disposal when dealing with stress/sexual energy. I've come to realize it's all habits. I agree, it has helped me keep sane before. But I'm tired of pornography. I'm tired of loading something up, getting turned on, stroking it until I feel shameful and guilty and all the leeching of positive motivational energy that could have been used in creative endeavours. Not mentioning the self-loathing.

    I had what I would describe as a Mega-Urge just now. All it took for it to pass is coming here and writing about it. Reminding myself of my intention.

    I want to talk to real girls. I want to have sex with real girls. I want to write, and read, and work out and achieve my goals. I want to exist, and to live, and to experience.

    And that simply can't coexist with pornography and constant masturbation for me. So this is the only logical path.
  8. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    I ended up PMO-ing twice, once last night and once this morning. The temptation to cover it up is there, but I have to be honest and admit to it if I am to gain any insight into this condition.

    I had such strong resolve, all it took was staying up late one night and making my defenses too weak to combat it. I am very much in the relapse cycle at the moment. Now to escape it.
  9. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    pmo'd twice more last night, and again just now.

    my resolve hasn't been this weak in a while. i forgot how tough this addiction is.
  10. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    Dang dude. Sorry to hear that. I wish I could give you some good advice but as someone who can barely make it past 5 days without porn at the moment I don’t feel that would be right.
  11. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Yeah, resolve is pretty low right now. Thanks Bruce

    Let me know if you wanna be accountability partners. Goes for anyone too.
  12. Freedom from Servitude

    Freedom from Servitude Active Member

    Hi Yearofchange,

    I am sorry to read that you are struggling. Resolve or motivation is very weak in the early days of recovery. It evaporates quickly when we are hit by craving after craving. Nevertheless, it is invaluable. It makes the difference between choosing at the right moment to give in or go and do something more productive. To use an analogy, weak resolve is like an unstable foundation to a castle wall. When you face battle, it does not take much for the enemy to bring your defences down. Motivation is like a battery that needs to be topped up on a regular basis.

    I topped up this battery by reading success stories on, by watching motivational videos and by reviewing my recovery statements. My recovery statements is an exercise that I learnt from a book called The Porn Trap. It essentially involves exploring the things that matter to you and your values, developing a vision of how you would live your life and reminding yourself that using porn is incompatible with this vision. A combination of these plus a short meditation session always used to do it for me whenever I felt my motivation going. As a general precaution, reading a success story once a day is a great habit to get into. Accountability is important as well, but meeting people online falls short of the connection that you get by meeting with someone face to face or over the phone.

    Hope this helps
    yearofchange likes this.
  13. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Wow, thanks. That's a good analogy. And that's a great idea. I'll look into it and make my own recovery statements. I appreciate the help Freedom.
  14. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    So all it took was a day of sleeping, and a day and a half of not watching any tv show, game, or youtube video, as well as not playing any game, for my brain to take control and not be a slave to the dopamine cycle anymore.

    I am feeling like me again. Nice to be back. I was pretty depressed the past week, kinda surprises me. I would watch youtube n porn and game all night, and sleep all day and not be able to get out of bed or the house. Literally, getting out of the bed has never felt so hard as it did. Pretty interesting stuff.

    If you need to learn how to talk to girls and increase self esteem and come up with strategies to better relate to yourself check out the Shrink for the Shy Guy podcast. Great stuff!!
  15. BruceWayne

    BruceWayne Building the life I want, day by day...

    That’s it YOC. Take control. Take control of yourself. Take control of the addiction. Take control of your life.

    Also, I’m going to check out that podcast. I already looked it up and some of the episodes seem like they’re right up my alley.
  16. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    For sure! I can't believe a resource like that existed and I didn't know about it until I deliberately made an effort to look for it. I wonder what other resources are out there now..

    It's just... exactly what I need to work on and all of its components. He discusses the inner critic and focuses on both internal and external factors, making sure to talk to prominent figures, as well as outlining clear action steps readily usable to lessen the hold of the fear that we have. Truly good stuff.

    And I'm doing my best Bruce, and will continue to do so until I'm free. That being said, I had a lapse of judgment last night when I was clearing my mail late at night (something I've been trying to do for months now). It increased stress levels and I was tired and sleepy, and ended up having a fast pmo. Won't happen again, since I will now be super super careful whenever I'm sleepy because I know that is the time I'm most vulnerable.

    I will take control. Let this be Day 1 of my new life. A life without PMO; a life being honest to myself; a life with me as the protagonist, not other people's desires or their expectations, or this addiction.
  17. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Today was a very tough day. I feel not here. That pmo yesterday really took a toll on me. Self-loathing, distracting myself through shows, games and feeling supremely down. Anger too. Remorse, and lots of anger. Couldn't get out of the house either.


    Still, day 1 completed. Never again, I keep telling myself. Never again. Never. Again.
  18. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Day 2. Reading and listening to podcasts. Good habits. Leggo.
  19. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Had a good week. I wanted to clean up some lingering P and P-sub off an account I had, and ended up PMOing last night. But, it was in the positive direction, so I'm trying not to hate myself too much for it.

    Keep moving forward.
  20. yearofchange

    yearofchange Your actions matter.

    Doing well. Reading, not watching as much as I used to. Started studying yesterday for a big upcoming test.

    Self-esteem is ill-defined in our society. Very ill-defined. Pick up Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, I highly recommend anyone and everyone to read it.

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