Heya, Well, after looking around on yourbrainonporn and yourbrainrebalanced, I finally decided that I'm going to stop spectating from afar, and actually actively engage in my recovery. I've 20 years behind me, and done PMO since around 12 years old. Been engaging in fantasizing, downloading short clips with slow internet back in the day, erotic pictures, reading erotic literature (I'm gonna miss that) and going on porn sites for hours on end several times a week since then. Now I'm in university trying to figure out what direction my life is heading, and as I aspire to be the strongest and smartest version of myself, I've realized that this is one of the aspects of myself that is holding me back. It was 1-2 years ago that I completely gave up porn and didn't feel too much a need to masturbate, and my libido dropped a bit too. That lasted 3 months and I was a-ok. But then at the 3-month mark I started to question if.. well.. 'it still works' or whether masturbation is healthy, and I'm doing my body a disservice by not allowing release. That's because I remembered reading somewhere that doing it once every 2-3 days is healthy by some doctor somewhere in the internet. Well, one thing led to another, and in university I found myself NEEDING to masturbate in order to sit still. So I would turn on the wifi on my phone.. and masturbate to porn in the washroom...... there was a part of me that knew what I was doing was wrong... but I wasn't able to sit down and study if I didn't. And I needed to study. The urge was so strong that I would be reading my coursebook and suddenly catch myself fantasizing rather than focusing on the material. I read the extremely long post that The Underdog posted, and that really changed how I view this whole process of quitting PMO. I already knew that I used PMO as an escape, but only now am I really understanding how much I used it to run away from reality, and how much I depended on it. The problem being not the act itself, but the root causes of emotional incompetency. The Underdog's approach was really a new idea, though. To not focus on 'busying myself with different activities, hobbies, and work to take my thoughts off of masturbation,' but to 'put all of my energy and effort into building the life I want to have and the person I want to be, which will by its nature take my mind off of things.' This is the mindset I'm trying to develop atm. So my counter officially started as of yesterday, June 27th, and this is the beginning of my journey, and I'm just so glad and so happy that I've found somewhere in the internet where there are like-minded people. Can't emphasize this point enough. This is the first time I've made an account and really engaged in an internet forum, and the community here appears to be filled with great and motivated people.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal No PMO so far, been 3 days so far. I had the urge yesterday, but managed to distract myself until my high dopamine craving settled itself. Then I didn't have the urge anymore. I wanted to see my cousin today, who is leaving tonight for another city. I was really set on going, but family sat me down and lectured me for a tediously long time on prioritizing, spending time on what matters (studying in my case), and how I appear not to be willing to endure pain for long-term success. I don't know.. maybe they're right. I am really unassertive when it comes to people inviting me to places or calling me up wanting to see me. It's as if I feel an "obligation" to see them. I guess I'm scared they'll get upset, so I put what I think are their "needs" before my own. This has backfired a lot in the past, but I've just repeated my mistakes over and over again. This paralyzing sensation in my arms and chest comes up when I have to call and cancel or just say, "No I'm busy." My breathing becomes fast, shallow and ragged, and I just want to get the feeling out so I give in and say, "I'll see you at 5." It reminds me of one sentence in The Underdog's post... "This life vision will be the foundation of your reboot. This is what you will focus on 100% from now on." I seem to be.. scared? or for some reason unwilling to put in a full 100%... and I don't know why..
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Woke up with morning wood! I love this feeling!
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal This is not as easy as I thought it's gonna be.. today's urges were hella strong. Still, made it through so im happy. Is there such a thing as posting too much? this is my second post today, so i dunno if im supposed to be or is it too much updating..
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal No I don't think so. Just because other people don't comment doesn't mean they don''t read you because you post too much (although a long first post seems to discourage some). I wish you the best for your reboot, you seem to have the right attitude. Reboot is about our life not only our libido.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Thanks so much!! I'll keep posting then
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Day 6 Couldn't stop fantasizing about a girl that I was going to see today, both yesterday and today before I met up with her. I was aware of the image, aware of my body, aware of my desire to stop PMO. But I just needed to feel it, so I did my thing for a bit. Came close (no pun intended if you hate puns, pun intended if you don't), but something held me back. It seems I've instilled a resolve into my mind that it's not worth it. So I stopped. Exercise seems to help with giving me this clarity of mind. I didn't feel the urge as strongly, and I think it's a lot due to using exercise as an outlet of energy. Started my gym membership this week, went and worked out my chest, abs, n arms two days ago, worked out pilates at home yesterday until I was dripping sweat, and went out and ran in the park and played soccer with my lil cuz for a half hour till i was sweating profusely. and on my way back home saw this cute girl staring at me, ha ha. just smiled and kept jogging back right now's goal: do all of the things i've been putting off, so that i realize that my fears are not reality. later's goal: overcome approach anxiety.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal *sigh* Day 8 this is hard. this is really really hard. im noticing that my thoughts tend to so easily go towards fantasizing and in search for sexual stimuli. still haven't, but today i got close while watching 21 grams (great movie!). there was a trigger scene that almost won over, but no matter how into it i was i just couldn't bring myself to go back to day 1. i really want to put this behind me. once and for all. im just scared at how hard it's getting to overcome these urges. i've decided to not engage in any touching whatsoever. ill meditate if im getting too restless or something, but as soon as i start i go all the way to almost doing it and then stopping, then i have horrible lower back pain and a queasy stomach for 2 hours. just not worth it.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Day 10 Stumbled on this gem http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=14525.0 yesterday here on YBR, and it's helping me so friggin much today. It answered my cries for help, and today I feel really great. Every time I notice my mind is conjuring up a sexual image or a fantasy, I can stop it. I focus on my breathing, or my body, or my surroundings, or the darkness behind my closed eyelids, and the urge is lessened greatly. I wanna read more on NoA (No Arousal). I really think this is what I need. I remember trying to stop PMO before, went for a week, but I still fed my addiction through watching girls' pictures. Now... now I feel in control. This feels much better. I am reminded of a story in Buddhist literature, I'll post it when I find it.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Day 12 so I couldn't find it, but I do remember the metaphor. 'It is easy to pat down a small fire when it is the burning of a leaf, but do not act and let it grow, and it will be nigh impossible to stop a forest fire.' I did find this inspiring quote from the Padhana Sutta "To Mara, thus speaking, Bhagavat said: 'O thou friend of the indolent, thou wicked one, for what purpose hast thou come here? Even the least good work is of no use to me, and what good works are required ought Mara to tell? I have faith and power; and understanding is found in me. While thus exerting myself, why do you ask me to live? While the flesh is wasting away the mind grows more tranquil, and my attention, understanding, and meditation becomes more steadfast. Living thus, my mind does not look for sensual pleasures. Behold a being's purity! "Lust thy first army is called; discontent thy second; thy third is called hunger and thirst; thy fourth desire; thy fifth is called sloth and drowsiness; thy sixth cowardice; thy seventh doubt; thy eighth hypocrisy and stupor, gain, fame, honor, and what celebrity is falsely obtained by him who exalts himself and despises others. This, O Namuche, is thine, the Black One's fighting army. None but a hero conquers it, and whoever conquers it obtains joy. Woe upon life in this world! Death in battle is better for me than that I should live defeated. "Seeing on all sides an army arrayed and Mara on his elephant, I am going out to do battle that he may not drive me from my place. This army of thine, which the world of men and gods cannot conquer, I will crush with understanding, as one crushes an unbaked earthen pot with a stone. "Having made my thoughts subject to me and my attention firm, I shall wander about from kingdom to kingdom training disciples. They will be zealous and energetic, obedient to the discipline of one free from lust, and they will go to the place where there is no mourning. "And Mara said: 'For seven years I followed Bhagavat, step by step, but found no fault in the Perfectly Enlightened and Thoughtful One.'" from http://www.sacred-texts.com/evil/hod/hod10.htm *sigh* I would love to be like that someday. Maybe I will be. I'm definitely on the right path.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Day 14 I feel like I'm living again. This feels nice. I just came back from a shower because of an exhilarating run through the park. It feels great to exercise, can't believe I even gave it a glimmer of thought not to get out there. I will write this here for the next time I question this decision: WHENEVER YOU ARE CONSIDERING WHETHER TO EXERCISE OR NOT TO, STFU AND EXERCISE. I don't feel so intimidated and insecure (and horny) when I see girls on the street. I guess this is what it feels to be confident. Yesterday I had a huge urge after I witnessed Netherlands lose to Argentina in penalties. I realized that the urge rose from the sad feeling the game had caused me. Instead, I remembered what the Underdog said in his message about using masturbation as an escape. So I called myself a wuss, a pussy who can't handle real emotions. ...somehow admitting to that gave me the power to overcome the urge... I'm not sure how this worked... but it did! And I'm hella friggin happy bout it.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Day 16 TRIGGER WARNING (if only slightly) so yesterday I had my strongest urge. and it was caused by just the phrase "model: green outfit" and "model: jean skirt." i felt so aroused by just these simple titles... they were folder that i could have downloaded effortlessly. i was reminded of the success tip i read in a few articles here "NO PEEKING." Yet... i just wanted to see the outfit, see the model, see her face to see if she's cute. a green outfit would look so great. and a jean skirt? who can resist those? (answer: a balanced pure-thought confident man who doesn't need porn). so yea, i clicked on it.. but luckily there was no preview. i had to download the entire folder of 86 photos to see her. Hell no. Closed that shit up. But this experience made me realize.. NoA (No Arousal) IS the way to go. (at least for me)
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal Day 25 So I watched porn. The trigger was just checking out a game's trailers, but the characters were so revealing and just looked so friggin good. And from there saw 2 short clips on nude mods/glitches. Then I opened up a tab searching for pics on tumblr, and before I knew it, I was watching porn. I'm not gonna reset my counter though, cuz although I PMed I didn't O. The reason I didn't was a conviction, I really really really really don't want to reset my counter. I want this to be the first and last time I truly commit to rebalancing my brain. That's why I count it as a victory, an obstacle I've overcome. The urge was so great, at one point I really remembering telling myself... it'll feel so good, it's just once. But then I remembered that my counter is gonna be reset, and I just couldn't bring to do that to myself. I felt the disappointment, sadness, weakness, and bit of loathing that I would feel if my counter was reset, all in an instant, and I just didn't want to inflict that pain on myself.
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal 26 days, unfortunately, came to an end. I knew I was walking on a very thin line... yesterday night I got aroused from a softcore scene from a movie, and binged on movie scenes. I was able to hold off and go to sleep after 3 hours of watching countless movie sex/nude scenes. This morning I woke up early, took a shower, and I really didn't want to turn on the pc, but I had to see when the library will open. Then I went on facebook, and got distracted, as the internet does best. Found myself on a site reading some article someone shared, that also had "girls" as one of the categories. They were really cute, and I didn't see any harm in seeing a few pictures of cute girls. It might even be good for motivation, I told myself. So I was seeing, knowing that I should probably not be seeing so many attractive girls' pictures... after I was finished (30 minutes or so), I felt this.. 'need' to satisfy my craving. So I told myself "hey one porn video isn't gonna end my streak, I've watched P before and was able not to O, I can do it now too." So I did... and 1 vid became 5-6 tabs, as it usually does. And then my streak came to an end...
Re: You are not your monkey mind, you're more than that. -my journal im sad. i wanted this to be the last time. i wanted to be cured
Re: my journal met up and cuddled with my ex last night, we both wanted to make out but didn't want to in case one of us falls for the other and it gets all complicated and stuff. reset my counter again because of pmo. i need to find a way to get rid of wanting. i fantasize for a little bit and then im completely prone to whatever comes next. oh well, tmrws another day
Re: my journal I feel like I shouldn't come on YBR if I don't need to. If I'm doing well and refraining from PMO, there's no need to come here and think about it so much. Maybe one of the best ways to refrain from doing something is to forget about it entirely. Anyway, just focusing on life right now. Doing the things that make me anxious enough to indulge in PMO and internet binges.
Re: my journal So i made an online dating profile... got carried away with seeing girls though. Led me to get aroused. No porn, but the arousal was enough for MO. Hm.
Re: my journal Well, PMO ! really need to get my shit together haha. damn. I think I have to read more again. I wonder if there are any good tips of getting out of, well, relapse city.
