Xstar's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by xstar, Sep 9, 2013.

  1. xstar

    xstar New Member

    I sit here both depressed and optimistic.

    Depressed because it's been over a year since I discovered YBOP and understood that my problems with ED and DE are caused by my PMO habits. Depressed because I made huge and quick progress last summer but then stalled out for about a year...with relapses, excuses, etc. Depressed because I looked at my old posts on reddit's nofap forum and see the details of my success in the summer of 2012 and my original enthusiasm and energy to overcome my problem. Depressed because I know this works but I started half-assing in October or November of 2012. Since that time, I've had periods of perfection (no porn / no masturbation) broken by relapses and the occasional binge.

    Optimistic because I've recommitted to tackling this issue. Optimistic because I've gone 29 days perfectly...no porn / no masturbation / no sexy pictures (and 7 days no orgasm...I've been having sex and O with my wife, but the last week has been her time of month and we haven't done anything). Optimistic because it hasn't been that hard this time around. Optimistic because my posts from last summer have reinvigorated me...have reestablished my long term vision with respect to this issue. Optimistic because I want PMO out of my life. Optimistic because, not withstanding my relapses, my ED is significantly better than it was in May 2012 when I first understood what I was doing to myself. Optimistic because my DE went away in the first few weeks of no PMO last year and it remains absent.

    Optimistic because I've made two signficant changes this time around. First, I started meditating and I think (though I'm not sure) that it's been helpful. I'm not a big fan of touch-y / feel-y dialogue, so it's a bit of an experiment for me. I focus on meditation allowing me to control my thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations more completely and deliberately than I could otherwise.

    Second, I am writing this journal. I finally understood the importance of writing a journal when I reviewed the posts I made to reddit/nofap last year. Reviewing them over the last couple of days, though a bit depressing, gave me strength. It reminded me of how quickly this can work...of the control I have over ED and my overall happiness if I simply commit. I view this journal not only as a tool for the present, but as a tool for the future should I relapse or otherwise become less committed. It will remind my future self of the ups and downs of this journey...and, more importantly, the ultimate success of exerting will over actions.

    So, though I am happy for others to read this journal, make comments, and ask questions, the fact is it is written for my benefit as a private diary rather than as public testimony. To that end, there will be plenty here of no interest to anyone but me. In the beginning:

    I began experiencing ED sometime in the early 2000s concurrent with the combination of working from home and cheap high speed internet access. I started fapping to porn. A lot. I never made the connection. I tried Viagra and other ED meds with great success. Eventually, my ED became severe and DE reared its ugly head. DE got so bad that I'd often have to finish manually following PIV. Within five years, ED meds weren't working well and within seven they were almost entirely ineffective. I saw doctors, ran tests, etc. Thousands spent. Everyone shrugged their shoulders and said, "All is well physically. It must be psychological. Maybe stress. Maybe anxiety. Here, try some more ED meds...double the dose and see if that helps."

    At the same time, I had some marriage problems that caused me to feel more isolated emotionally and made porn even more enjoyable as a fantasy get-away / stress reliever / boredom tool. In the fall of 2010, I attacked the marriage problems head on...but, honestly, not much changed on her part. Just enough to get me off her back. Definitely not enough to make for a happy marriage and, after 12 months, I decided I had better ways to spend my life if things weren't changing in meaningful ways. Another showdown in the fall of 2011 had more impact as I was clear about my next steps and it was no joke. We've been on an upward trajectory since. Though not perfect, I'm certainly happier and I believe my wife is, too. We've both made a lot of changes.

    I mention marriage issues as a reminder to myself that avoiding relationship problems can make it easier to hide in the fantasy of porn...and resolving relationship problems can make it easier to avoid porn (e.g. if one wants to spend the time and energy on the relationship instead of a stress relief session spanking it in front of the computer monitor).

    After reading through YBOP in May 2012, I committed to no PMO. I did it for 9 days "hard mode" before telling my wife about it. Though embarrassed to disclose these things, I was honest (though I left out a lot of the details...and told her I wanted to focus only on the big picture without getting into frequency, porn preferences, etc). She was understanding and supportive.


    7 days: the first week "hard mode" was not difficult. I was excited to have found what I figured would be my "cure" though I felt dumb that I hadn't figured it out earlier.

    9 days: I told my wife and we agreed on a game plan: Sex--abstain from sex for 30 days then allow O from PIV only if I can do it without ED drugs, no direct stimulation of my penis during sex except during penetration, I'm available to give her orgasm if I can't get it up...but she said she'd abstain entirely with me for 30 days. PMO--eliminate porn forever, masturbate only once my ED was gone and only infrequently.

    17 days: I caved and we had sex. It was my doing, not hers. Though I missed my 30 day abstinence goal, I don't think it was a bad thing. PIV was the only direct stimulation, I maintained 80-100% hardness with no drugs (80-90% while PIV), orgasmed PIV. I didn't pound like a jack hammer; I focused on staying in the moment / avoiding fantasy--basically focused on her and on how things felt; no DE issue; it felt better than sex had for a long time....and better than PMO. It was the first time I'd been able to have PIV sex without ED meds in +/- 7 years.

    29 days: I relapsed at +/- 21 days for edging in the shower. Flatline at this point (8 days after relapse).

    68 days (4 weeks since last relapse to M): I noted I'd had two resets at this point for M. Avoiding P was relatively easy....avoiding M was proving difficult. Highlights at this point:
    --I could have PIV with no meds and no cock ring. Not always 100% hard, but hard enough for penetration and I typically got harder once inserted.

    --Sensitivity dramatically improved. DE completely gone as a result. I didn't have the orgasm control (e.g. the ability to control exactly when I would achieve orgasm) that I had in my teens and twenties, but I developed significant control especially compared to just a few months prior when I had no control. Timing now mostly up to me.​
    --Morning wood +/-70% of the time up from 0% for years. Sometimes it'd last 15-20 minutes. Distracting but nice.​
    --Sex after drinking is now possible with the help of ED meds. I had sex after four beers and one Cialis...an absolute impossibility a few months earlier.​
    --Wife again reaching O from PIV. A very big deal. Prior to ED / DE, this would happen 85-90% of the time. Fell to 10-15%. Now at +/-70%, though sample size is still small.​
    --My O's are significantly better even though I've been having sex several times a week--so it's not like I'm saving up.​
    --Typically get 100% hard during foreplay and it lasts for 10-15 min...then falls off a lot by the time I penetrate...then picks up again once inside.​

    104 days (60 days since last badge reset): Morning wood now +/-90% of mornings; started taking 1/2 dose of ED meds and found I basically performed like I did in my early twenties with this relatively small amount of medication. Still varies w/o meds, though continuing to get better...typically hard during most of foreplay, soft entry, harder (but not 100%) during PIV. Reached O via cowgirl and doggy--something I hadn't been able to do for years (even with medication). DE still gone. Sensitivity is great.

    186 days: I posted that my recovery seems to have stalled out. Though I didn't document clearly, I believe I'd developed a mild edging/masturbation habit at this point. Not once per day, but more than once per week...though I'm not 100% sure because I didn't write it down. And I believe I was occasionally viewing very soft porn (e.g. sexy videos on YouTube), but not M'ing to it.

    Longest Streak: Based on my chains.cc log adjusted for when I actually started nofap (about a week before I started my chains.cc log), my longest streak last summer was 81 days no P; 62 days no M; 16 days no sex; and 16 days no O (I didn't log no O, but I'm confident it's the same as no sex given my strategy at the time).

    It's possible I had longer streaks in the fall of 2012 but I stopped logging in August. If so, I can't imagine I went much longer. For reference, I'll use these documented numbers as my current record streaks.


    186 days to recent (mid Nov 2012 to Aug 12, 2013): I lost my way a bit but not entirely. I generally stayed away from PMO, but I edged more frequently. It started in the shower. Then I began edging to soft videos (e.g. no nudity)...then topless...and hard core on a few occasions. And I recently found myself cruising NSFW reddits without masturbating...just looking at pictures of "my type."

    None of this was constant...more like periods of perfection punctuated by periods of weakness. Sometimes the weakness would be short-duration binges and sometimes they'd last a few weeks before I got back on track. Fortunately, the damage was limited mostly to stalling my progress rather than setting me back entirely. So, though I think I was in a little better shape a year ago, the difference is not huge. If I'd stuck with the program of no PMO, I'm sure I'd be significantly better today than my current state (wrt ED).

    8/12/13-9/9/13: In early August, I started re-reading YBOP, reddit/nofap, and YBRebal. On 8/12/13, I decided to recommit to no PMO. I was happy I'd made progress, felt I'd regressed maybe 10-15% with respect to that progress, and I was tired of it. I also began to fear that I might lose more of the progress I'd made...the thought of which made me feel ill. I'm a couple of days shy of one month since recommitting and things are going well...almost perfectly.

    The good: I haven't looked at a single image of porn, I've avoided looking at pretty pictures you might run into in day to day living, and I haven't masturbated. In addition, I'm meditating most days...it's hard on the weekends when the kids are home from school. I've now gone 7 days without orgasm because it's that time of month. I might drag that out even further. I'm undecided on this issue. I really enjoy sex and orgasm. But I really want to make meaningful progress on what remains of my ED. Thus far, I've had sex and O 11 times since I recommitted on 8/12...basically every other day not counting this past week.

    Overall, though I've had some PMO temptations, I've avoided any truly close calls and it's been relatively easy. I've maintained my positive outlook and my frame of complete control over my actions. The counter on reddit/nofap helps as does chains.cc. I just signed up here today to start my journal and get a counter.

    The bad: I need to get control of my fantasies. I never completely conquered them last time around. I'm definitely able to avoid fantasizing about porn images, etc....it's mostly attractive women from real life. My latest tactic when I find my brain wandering this direction is to insert my wife rather than some hottie I met or saw. The fantasies are usually while dosing off to sleep or just waking up and don't necessarily involve sex--often just suggestive or intimate situations, conversations, etc.

    Today: Today has been a bit rough. It's not that I've really been close to viewing porn or masturbating, but I feel a very very strong desire for a release. Honestly, my nuts feel like they're going to burst...it's physically uncomfortable and I know an O would solve that problem. In part because of the discomfort and and in part because of the fact that I'm in this position simply due to past weakness, I'm a bit down. It doesn't help that I woke up with a minor cold and I've had a headache/congestion all day!

    So--that's it. Thanks to YBOP and Gary Wilson, this site, and reddit/nofap. The information I've gained has been invaluable and life changing.

    Though it was in my power to be done with this months ago, the fact is that the past is the past...we only have the present and the future. I'm determined to seize every day.​
  2. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Welcome aboard, X. We understand.
  3. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Thanks, bright_eyes.

    I don't really want to make an entry this morning....but writing a journal is a significant part of my strategy and I'm committed to making entries any time there's something meaningful to write.

    Big note today: One of the things I think hindering my ED recovery is performance anxiety. During sex, I find myself constantly monitoring my erection and wondering if it will maintain. This can't be a good thing.

    I had sex with my wife last night and this morning (first time in a week as she has been on her menses). Some notes:

    • I didn't take any ED medication because I want to focus on my reboot without "artificial" stimulation (I've been having great erections with ED meds...a couple of years ago, ED meds were completely ineffective on me).
    • While sex was fun, last night I only had a 30-70% erection during foreplay and 50-80% while PIV....and I found myself (again) monitoring.
    • Erection was weaker this morning. Maybe 20-40% during foreplay, 60-70% max during PIV (difficult to stay in)
    • On the bright side, I focused on staying in the moment (e.g. no fantasy...focused entirely on sensations).
    • My wife achieved an O PIV last night, but I held back. It wasn't because I couldn't...in fact, it was difficult to hold back. In the past, pre YBOP and nofap, it became very difficult to O. But I withheld because I think it's going to be better for my reboot.
    • This morning, I spent a long long time on foreplay. I gave her O digitally, I again withheld.
    • I took 200mg L-Theanine thinking it might help me with performance anxiety...I don't think there's anything showing it contributes to impotence. In any event, I won't bother taking it in the future. It doesn't mesh with my "get an erection naturally" goal.

    So...meh. All of this is better than things were before I found YBOP in May 2012 and I'm happy for that. But it also hammers home that I've definitely lost quite a bit of ground after a good nofap/noporn summer last year.

    After sex last night, I talked with my wife and told her I plan on withholding O for a while. I haven't decided on a time frame--probably allow a release when my erection is 80-100% during PIV. I also told her my concerns about performance anxiety and that I monitor myself too much. Fortunately, she's very supportive and gets with the "no expectations" portion of my game plan. If I achieve an erection, great...if not, then no big deal.
  4. Big John

    Big John New Member

    Thanks for sharing so much. Its nice that your wife is so understanding and helpful, a great asset. I just started down this road and it looks like its going to be tough from what I've been reading but worth the effort.
  5. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Hey Big John (...uh, I originally wrote "BJ" but that didn't look right, lol)--thanks for the note, I appreciate it. Good luck...it's definitely worth the effort.

    Today will make 32 days no P / no M...10 days no O (via sex).

    My big note today: ED medication can hide the negative impact of relapsing

    Played around with my wife this morning. No intention of sex...got semi erect.

    As I mentioned in the previous posts, I relapsed a bunch wrt no PMO in the past 9 months. Often during the times I was good about no fap, I was cruising some of the NSFW reddit forums for five to fifteen minutes daily looking at photos of beautiful women. Just quick peeks at fun and sexy reddits. Interesting because during my winning streak last summer, I had no problem staying away from porn...but a big problem staying away from M / edging.

    Sometime last fall or over the winter, resisting the urge to peek at porn (used very broadly) became very difficult. And it always eventually led to fapping to photos or video even though that progression might take weeks or longer.

    At the time, I thought things like:
    • "This is no big deal...I'm having great erections...I haven't lost any of my progress"
    • "I'm (almost) never looking at hard core porn...mostly just beautiful women clothed/bikini/topless and that's harmless"
    • "If it's the week of her menses, then it's ok as I need it...and a few releases that week won't hurt anything"
    • "Her drive is much lower than mine, so an occasional lapse especially the day after actual sex won't hurt anything as I don't want to be hounding her for sex."
    It turns out, of course, the first one was a lie and the others were excuses to rationalize my behavior. Yes, I was having great erections...but I was taking Viagra. Granted, Viagra used to do almost nothing for me (even 2x the max dose) and now makes for fantastic boners. So my thinking was, "see...these "relapses" aren't a problem...they aren't relapses, they're just how I live moving forward as long as I have no negative consequences."

    But the fact is, it was masking my regression. I have no doubt that, had I continued, I would have ended up where I started: no erections and no (or little) help from medication.

    I made the decision to stop using ED medication so I could see the "real me" and I've been schooled to the extent of my regression. Quite a wake up call, actually...and something I expect to remember in the future if I relapse and try to come up with excuses and rationalization.

    The silver lining: now I know I'm never "cured" of this. It's my passenger and I have to deal with it. For me, there's not a "safe" level of porn...even if it's so soft that it's not really porn in the classic sense. Others have said it, but it's only in the past month that I've internalized it.
  6. colimpool

    colimpool Active Member

    well done for starting your journal, i hope your confidence continues. i too have had a few slips but this time i am determined to see it right through. best wishes
  7. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Today will mark day 36 days no porn / no fap...and day 14 days no O.

    I've been out of town for several days--no opportunities and no temptations. The reality is things are going smoothly this time around and I don't recall having any close calls or even strong temptations to PMO this time around. This journal helps. Rereading my reddit/nofap posts from a year ago helps.

    One irritation: I haven't been getting morning wood for the past 7-10 days...just the occasional half chub. Prior to that, I was hard 50-70% of mornings (e.g. for the past 6-9 months).

    Last year, when I was doing solid no PMO for months at a time, I was getting morning wood 80+% of the mornings...maybe 90%...rock hard and lasting 15-20+ minutes. I'd be fully awake lying in bed wondering how long before it'd go down. Often, I could get up and walk around and it'd stay hard. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a raging hard on.

    Before that (prior to finding YBOP and no fap last year), I had morning wood once or twice a year, if that....and then it was weak and short-lived. During that time, I don't think I ever woke up to wood in the middle of the night.

    That's how it'd been for 7-10 years during my period of miserable PIED, so regular morning wood has been great--it feels good and provids reinforcement that no PMO changes how things work in my brain. It's distracting and tempting when I get morning wood, but I'm happy to have it when I get it, lol. I'm sure it'll come back...probably just part of the flatline issue (...and I've been pretty damn low libido for the past 5-7 days).
  8. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Oh, one other thing I read last night on a comment in /r/nofap that I thought was helpful and I intend to try when my urges (inevitably) pick up:

    "Check out the S.T.A.R. method.

    STOP. observe. whats going on. take a step back. look at yourself in
    the 3rd person.

    TAKE 10 CONSCIOUS BREATHS. Deeply breathe, slow down. Focus on your
    breath only. Calm down and come back to your senses.

    ASK YOURSELF. What are my true desires? What will bring me deep
    happiness in the long term? Is acting on this temptation going to make
    my life better? Is it what I really want?

    REPLACE. Remove yourself from the situation, and respond in a healthy
    way; Get off your fat weak ass and go do 20 pushups. Go for a jog.
    Call up a friend and ask about his cat. Take a cold shower. Read a
    book. Meditate. Scream into your pillow at the top of your lungs.
    Something, anything healthy!"
  9. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    That STAR technique sounds like a great idea. I am memorising it now. thanks Xstar.
  10. markp

    markp New Member

    This is great. I'll definitely use it. Thanks for posting.
  11. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Hi MC_R and MP...thanks for reading.


    As with some of my other posts, this one describes what's happening with me (and my wife) physically...though not graphic, it might be a trigger. If so, then don't read the rest. For me, it's important to have this as a reference...a good description of my physical and mental progress so I can refer to it in the future if/when I feel weak or otherwise tempted to get off the wagon. But the last thing I want is to contribute to someone else falling off the wagon.


    I'm trying to snuggle with my wife more in the hour or two before we get up. It's a little hard because both of us generally like to sleep without interference...her especially, lol. Though she's usually accepting of the romantic awakening for sex, morning snuggling generally hasn't been in the cards.

    So this morning I got a 100% erection while snuggling. It wasn't completely spontaneous, but it didn't take much effort. I know YBOP says don't force erections, but....it started as I was relaxing / meditating with deep breaths and focusing on how my body felt in various areas (e.g. like a light-duty body scan meditation). This got me very relaxed and I dozed off once or twice.

    I then focused on sensations and feelings in my genital area. I fantasized briefly about having sex with my wife, tightened my kegel muscles maybe 5-8 times over a couple of minutes which mostly had the effect of giving me some direction stimulation by moving my member up and down a bit. Then my little guy started growing, took off on his own and stayed hard for 5-10 minutes with no stimulation...I was positioned so it pressed lightly against my wife. Once hard, I flexed my kegel muscles maybe 5 more times just because it felt good and I couldn't resist.

    The good news: I didn't fantasize about anything external...just sex with my wife and even that was short-lived. Though I clearly made an effort to get an erection (maybe this is considered "forcing an erection"?), the effort was minimal and my member was very responsive.

    As evidenced by this morning, I'm making progress eliminating fantasy...something that's been very difficult for me. I'm trying the method of placing, in my mind, a big red "X" across the fantasy scene and literally pushing it to the side out of my mind's eye and then trying to think of other things or focus on my breathing as a distraction to creating another image.

    On another note, I noticed I'm one day short of my record for no sex / no orgasm. I won't set a goal for no sex as I don't think sex without orgasm will set me back (the risk is I know I'm going to be super sensitive when I do have sex, so orgasm might happen before I can stop it). I haven't yet determined my no orgasm goal, but I'm currently thinking 30 days.

    I'm going to read up on karezza sex and see if I want to try that for a little while. I understand the recommendation is a period of no sex before starting and I've conveniently gone a couple of weeks down that path.
  12. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Still strong...good attitude, no meaningful temptation to view P nor to M.

    I mentioned I've had some marriage problems. When I finally decided enough was enough and I either needed to fix things or get out, I researched and read for hours looking for bits of wisdom that applied to my situation. I found the thinking of Athol Kay to be very helpful. MMSL

    I also found it helpful to emphasize bonding activities...including at least one long kiss each day (suggested by Kay and I've found to be effective). So last night after we got into bed, the long kiss lingered and I got 100% erect from it. I stayed fully erect for maybe 5-7 minutes and 50-80% after that. No fantasy, distracted thinking, etc....just present in the moment. I have a long journey ahead, but this is a nice sign of progress.

    We didn't have sex and I stuck with my no O thinking, but I gave her an O. It was very tempting to have sex, O, etc., but I read a number of journal entries and other posts yesterday that reinforced my thinking to eliminate O for at least 30 days (...especially some of the things Gabe has written).
  13. mcbc_rewired

    mcbc_rewired Active Member

    Sounds really good Xstar.

    Last week I broached the subject of karezza for the first time with my wife. We havent tried it yet but it has already made a difference. Like you described, we have slowed down things and just tried to be and enjoy each kiss and cuddle. Its great isnt it? Feels like being a teenager again in the joy and wonder.
  14. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Yeah....you mention it's like being a teenager again and I had similar thoughts last night as we kissed and I pressed against her knowing I wasn't going to have sex. It reminded me of times in college when I knew things weren't going to escalate be I had fun with the simple stuff ... just playing around enjoying a girl's company and body.
  15. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Today will mark 40 days no P / no M...and 18 days no O, 9 days no sex.

    My morning wood still hasn't come back except for the occasional half chub. By this time last summer, morning wood was regular and strong. I've had pretty consistent MW since that time. It went away two or three weeks ago....I'm not sure the exact timing as I didn't log it. I'm guessing its absence is related to me stopping the use of ED meds for sex...which I believe I last took on 9/2 (also my last orgasm).

    It could be my lack of MW has to do with other things. For instance, my libido is quite low...so it might be flatline related. Or it could be something else related to abstaining from sex and orgasm. But, ED meds masked the decline in my erection performance as I slid back into PMO. Though I never used PMO like I used it prior to my success last year (in terms of frequency, duration, or "hard core" nature), now that I'm 100% back on no PMO and off ED meds, the negative impact of relapsing is noticeable and material. Since I generally was having sex every other day, I'm guessing having ED meds in my system almost constantly was part of getting frequent morning wood.

    I'm confident I'll soon get back to where I was in August 2012: MW regularly with no ED meds in my system. Nevertheless, it's irritating in the moment and feels like a step backwards even though I know it's simply a reflection of my current state and necessary for recovery.

    On another front, I'm definitely getting control of fantasy. It's been surprisingly difficult...and I think I'm better this time around than a year ago. I'm guessing that's because my daily meditation is training me to push unwanted thoughts out of my mind.

    One last thought today: I've committed to reading at least one page of Gary's website (YBOP) each day and really thinking about the information I gather. As with most folks here, I've spent hours on YBOP and can't thank Gary enough for pulling everything together. It changed my life. But, it's a lot of information and it's been over a year since I became obsessed with YBOP. I think I consumed virtually the entire site in a few days.

    I now find it's helpful to slowly review information on the site...and take my time digesting it. It reinforces my perception of this entire process. Most importantly, it helps me avoid urges because it keeps my "logical" brain front and center with respect to PMO. I remember this same effect from my success last year, but it's time consuming and, at some point, I got cocky/comfortable and stopped reading YBOP/YBR/rNofap. It wasn't much later that I started occasionally viewing photos for stimulation.

    Wisdom of the day from YBOP: If you are looking for a set of rules you will not find them - other than: "No artificial sexual stimulation during your reboot." By artificial I mean pixels, audio and literature. If it's not real life, just say 'no.'
  16. bright_eyes

    bright_eyes Master of My Own Mind?

    Congratulations on 40 days, xstar. I strongly agree with your suggestion regarding the value of reviewing the YBOP material.
  17. Buckaroo

    Buckaroo New Member

    Great journal xstar. It speak to me in many ways. Know that what you write helps others. Stay the faith.
  18. xstar

    xstar New Member

    Thanks for the comments, BE and DASML (I like that user name)....it's always a pick-up in the morning when I see comments in my journal. Honestly, when I started writing, it was 100% for me and I wasn't even thinking about others reading or commenting. But now that I'm here, I find it helps to know others have read and left comments...helpful to me and hopefully helpful to others.


    Today will mark 41 days no PM; 19 days no O; 1 day no sex. Feeling good...no meaningful temptation to PM. Huge temptation to O via sex.

    So last night was good and bad. My long kiss turned into a decent erection which led to sex. I've mentioned previously that I'm abstaining from sex and ejaculation as well as from PMO. So much for abstaining from sex. I made it 9 days. Fortunately, though, I withheld orgasm...though hugely tempted. As I've said in other posts, from what I've read I think no-ejaculation is very important and no-sex is less important. I'm just not laser focused on no-sex...and it showed last night.

    The Good:

    I was able to perform (though marginally at times) even though I'd had 6-7 drinks through the course of the evening. I wasn't sloppy drunk, but I was definitely buzzed...enough that I'm paying a little bit this morning. With the exception of a couple of times last year (after success with no PMO), I haven't been able to do anything after even one drink for at least 10 years (even with 2x max dose of ED meds). Not only could I not get an erection, but it's like I was numb down there...just no sensitivity after alcohol. Last night, I could easily have reached orgasm without jackhammering, etc...I was very sensitive despite the booze.

    Now this might be dumb, but I kind of miss drunk sex. I'm a happy drinker...no anger, etc....in fact, even though my wife doesn't drink, she often likes it when I have a few drinks as I goof around more, get more affectionate (but not sloppy), etc. So drinking plus sex can be fun for both of us. Before PIED, I engaged in it regularly on the weekends. Alcohol, even enough to get me toasty, wasn't a factor in my performance. Perhaps mildly drunk sex is in my future, lol.

    One other good: I had morning wood....I'm guessing because I had sex without ejaculation. I woke up feeling horny and MW was probably the result.

    The Best:

    I controlled fantasy. I've had a problem allowing fantasy to creep in even while having sex with my wife. Pathetic. It's largely a mechanism to increase my level of arousal since porn (and likely death grip) desensitized me. The last time I had sex 9 days ago, I didn't use fantasy, either. But last night was more difficult because my erection was weaker and I was buzzed. I caught myself literally thinking I should call up a fantasy scene and I'd get harder...I started but then stopped immediately and was able to push it aside within 5 seconds. I put a big "X" on the fantasy images and then moved them out of my thoughts. That might not sound like a big victory, but this whole fantasy thing has been difficult for me.

    I was thrilled about two things: First, the call for fantasy was a conscious one...it didn't just leap up out of nowhere as subconscious standard operating procedure. Two, I was able to monitor the process and almost immediately shut it down. Granted, best would have been to not even call it up...but there you have it. I'm becoming more convinced that the guided meditation I do daily is helping me to be more deliberate with my thoughts, including fantasy.

    The Bad:

    Two things. First, my erection strength was mediocre at best...varied from 20-80% and mostly 50-60%. Though not quite as good as my strength last time I had sex 9 days ago, I'm not going to read too much into it since I had a lot to drink. My erection strength last night gets both good and bad marks because of that. Second, I gave in and had sex. Not bad in itself, but bad because it was in the moment and, frankly, a submission to desire. When we started, I was thinking I wouldn't have sex, but I didn't stop myself. That's a break in will power.

    Wisdom of the Day from YBOP: To our surprise, very few men successfully recover from porn-induced ED while continuing a regular masturbation/orgasm schedule
  19. LOGOS

    LOGOS Personal Best - 233 Days PMO-free

    Hello Xstar

    I appreciate the accumulated wisdom in this opening page of your journal, your evident thoughtfulness and methodical approach to rebooting, and the well-written reflections. "The silver lining: now I know I'm never 'cured' of this. It's my passenger and I have to deal with it." These words are so true and bear embracing wholeheartedly.

  20. gottawork

    gottawork This has gotta work, NO MORE ED.

    Hey Xstar, I have really enjoyed reading your posts and just want to agree with you. Writing the journal is great for the input I get from the guys (it so helps to be encouraged), but it mainly is what helps me! I know you've been on this race track before and I haven't, but right now we are both on this trek for the same amount of time, 41 days now. So maybe you can give me some "what's going on guidance" as to what is going on in this rewire stuff. I've never experienced anything like this before. It's definitely a trip and a temptaion joy ride. Anyway, great reading your post. Keep up the good work.

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