WRAT's Journal

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by WRAT, Dec 20, 2013.

  1. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    I've started two journals and am attempting to consolidate into one; below was my first post:

    This is my first post. I’m a 58 year old Christian, husband and father. I found YBOP July of 2012 and have been trying to reboot since; the longest I’ve gone is 34 days. I am at day 14 with no PMO and this is usually when I relapse. I’ve reviewed rebooting accounts on YBOP in the past but just visited this site a week ago and am encouraged. I’m not at all comfortable writing about this but I’m hoping this will help me get this monkey off my back forever.

    I’ve been masturbating since I was 10 and looking at anything close to porn since then. A 9 month period of unemployment in early 2009 and now working from home has allowed this to escalate. I’m home alone all day sitting in front of a computer. Funny in my lifetime I have heard that masturbation is everything from evil to the fountain of youth; it is neither. For me, porn & masturbation go hand in hand (no pun intended). It’s an addiction that is negatively affecting both my personal and professional life and I want to stop forever.

    I love the Lord, my family, my friends and you guys for sharing your journey. I’ve traveled this journey alone without much success and I look forward to traveling it with you guys.

    Below is my second post:

    I had a great day yesterday but did not sleep well last night. Very tired this morning and a bit agitated. This is about the time I relapse. We are celebrating Christmas with my extended family Saturday so we have family traveling tomorrow and the weather forecast isn't good. This evening will be very busy trying to get the house in order for four people staying with us and we will be hosting about 30 on Saturday. This is a lot of fun but also a lot of work to get ready.

    How long does this having to pee all the time last? I'm trying not to touch myself but I am peeing so much I feel like I'm touching myself all the time.

    I made one simple change that seems to be helping. I work on a computer alone all day so I changed my homepage to google search. I used to have MSN news but notice a lot of the pictures are of beautiful women and a lot of the stories have a sex theme. I used to get distracted and digress to porn in a matter of minutes. I've also noticed my computer is running faster and I have very few issues with malware these days.

    Thanks to all of you guys for your journals; it does help.
  2. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I'm subscribed and am eagerly looking forward to hearing about your progress.
  3. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Thanks LTE. I've read about half your journal and am so inspired.

    I wrote an update and it still appears I have two journals going. How do you subscribe? Thoughts?
  4. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    If you post exclusively to this journal from now on you should be OK. You might even want to post a link to this journal on your old threads in case someone else is subscribed. To setup a link to your journal just cut and past this into your old thread but replace the opening percentage sign with one of these [.

    %url=http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=16327.0]Wrat's Journal[/url]

    To subscribe to a thread just click the "Notify" button within the thread. You can also mine down into your user settings and arrange it so that you subscribe automatically anytime you reply to a thread.
  5. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Still trying to consolidate so below are a couple of updates:


    Posts: 9

    WRAT's Journal
    « on: December 20, 2013, 12:55:00 PM »QuoteModifyRemoveFeeling pretty good today. Very busy weekend ahead with extended family coming in. I will not have time to binge by any means but I have actually hid in the bathroom for a quick release when we've had a house full of company. Sure hope I won't be tempted to do that again.

    I have suffered through some blue balls but my penis actually feels better right now. Still peeing a lot but our brothers in this group tell me that is temporary. I do seem to focus and think a little better. I am not good with names but ran into a buddy & his wife today at the bank and remembered his new wife's name. Small victory but I will take it.

    May be off of here a few days. Merry Christmas to all of you and thank you for your support.

    Stay strong.
    Report to moderator

    Sr. Member

    Posts: 444

    Re: WRAT's Journal
    « Reply #1 on: December 20, 2013, 07:21:41 PM »QuoteThe small victories are recovery. One step at a time.Report to moderator Logged

    Today I'm alone in front of the computer again. My wife is off work today but is doing some shopping. I'm working on some personnal and professional goals for 2014 and getting PMO free is at the top of my list.

    Not going too bad but I do find my mind goes from being just fine to dying to look at porn and masturbate. I do think it gets a little easier day by day but still a challenge.

    Thanks for all of your postings; that is the only way I'm getting through this.
  6. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    22 days is nothing to sneeze at. Keep up the good work.
  7. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Rough day today. Feel like crap, very little sleep and the triggers abound. I had to wait at the drug store for a perscription so I starting glancing through magazines and spotted beautiful scantily clad women within seconds. I left that section and went to look at cards and the same thing happened. I got out my smartphone and checked Facebook and the same thing. Finally, I just sat down and did nothing but wait.

    I think I could do a skunk right now but reading through your guys journals is helping. Sure do appreciate you guys.
  8. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Just remember, pictures will never satisfy you.
  9. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Great nights sleep last night; first one in quite a while. I'm feeling pretty calm and relaxed and I like that. Lately I seemed to have slowed my pace yet I'm getting more done. Instead of racing through a meal, I am taking it real slow and enjoying it more. A side effect to that is I eat less when I eat slower.

    The other day it got so bad I decided I was going to binge but some how talked myself into waiting one hour to see if things got better. Things did get better so I managed to dodge another bullet. LTE advised me to google Surfing the Urge. There is some very interesting reading about not fighting off the urges but not giving into them either. It really helped.
  10. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Feeling pretty good today but I'm coming up on my record of 34 days so I'm a bit concerned as well. I notice I feel more calm these days. The constant peeing I experienced in the first couple of weeks has slowed down and I am grateful for that.

    I have brief moments thinking the world is going to end if I don't ejaculate. The moments pass and the world is still turning. Really glad to have this group.
  11. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Don't worry about the number of days that has passed, it doesn't get any harder with time.
  12. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    I had some really strange thougths/fantacies this morning. I've been married almost 29 years and have been exclusively with my wife for over 30 years. This morning I was thinking about sexual experiences & fantacies prior to my wife; both women I've dated and wanted to date in my younger days.

    Note sure what any of this means. I had a bit of blue balls earlier today but feel good now. Most of the hours are good but I have brief moments of very strong urges to relapse.
  13. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    I suspect that as we peel away the layers put in place by the addiction some old thoughts bubble up to the top. A lot of us have had strange dreams too. Just slough it off.
  14. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Strong urges to M today; my balls feel like 10 pound weights. Just got a last minute meeting for next week so I will be traveling from the Midwest to New York Monday. The weather is terrible and wreaking havoc with flights. I don't live in a major city so it will involve two flights to get there and to get home. I have been guilty of spending spending most of the night doing P&M when I am alone in a hotel room.

    Your guys journals have kept me on track so far. Thanks for all of your posting.
  15. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Don't give in. It won't stay like this forever.
  16. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Thanks, LTE. The urges usually pass quickly but they are not today. I'm pretty sure this is the longest I've gone without masturbating since I was a child.

    I appreciate you.
  17. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Power on through. You can do this!
  18. WRAT

    WRAT Active Member

    Today has been way better than yesterday. I truly thought I was going to relapse yesterday; the urges just wouldn't go away. Today has been productive; I'm feeling better and very glad I didn't have to reset my counter.

    I'm looking forward to a great meeting next Tuesday but stressing about a night alone in a hotel room. I keep telling myself if I can go all day home alone in front of a computer, I should be able to go all night in a hotel room without PMO.
  19. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    Don't dwell on the temptation. Keep busy. You don't need to PMO.
  20. Guy_Stewart

    Guy_Stewart Well-Known Member

    How's if going, my friend?

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