Wow - how could I let it get so far? Getting out from under - I hope and pray.

sisyphus, somewhere in these boards there's a discussion of using the "red X" strategy on those images when they come into your head. So, if you see something pop up on your internal brain browser, visualize a red X (and a buzzer sound track, if you want) going over it. It was a very helpful technique for me in the early going--taking action on the image rather than waiting for it to disappear on its own.

 

Thanks for chiming in, Jack. Forewarned is (I hope) forearmed. I'll be ready to deal with it next go 'round.

Syd - thanks for the tip. Sounds like something I could use. I'll do a search and see what I come up with.

Low and slow, everyone!

S

 

Well, back again. It's been a rough week in general. My dad passed away 9 days ago. Had to travel across the country to join my sister and take care of his estate matters. I was ridiculously busy the whole time, which was good in a number of ways, but now back home and with time for reflection, I'm feeling totally drained. Still holding the line on PMO - coming up on 30 days soon, which is good.

In a profound flatline right now. Given the length of time I've been hooked, I wonder how long it will take for me to recover. In my darker moments, I see my limp noodle dangling around for a year or more, but have no idea whatsoever of what to expect. I'm still having flashbacks and urges, and while they seem to be lessening in strength, what they lack in intensity is made up for by their persistence. It's been a struggle to redirect my thoughts into productive pathways. It's hard to know how much of this is the expected progression of recovery, as opposed to perhaps seeking escape and not dealing with my father's death. He had been dying by inches from chronic diseases for the past 5 years and we all knew a few months ago that he wasn't going to see another Christmas, so in a way we'd already been saying our goodbyes for a while, I suppose.

Have begun reading "The Slight Edge," which has been very helpful. Made me examine a LOT of stuff which wasn't directly related to my addiction. I've come to the conclusion that in general, I've been spending way too much time online. Need to be more real and in the moment and relearn how to appreciate simple pleasures.

That's about it for now, I guess.

 

Hello Sisyphus,
Sorry to hear about your dad... You, your sister and family are in my prayers tonight.

Great job staying clean during this hectic time as well as 22 days. That's great. I hear what you mean regarding the length of time in our addiction. I take it one day at a time and when I do fall I try to get right back on course. It has been a struggle for me to make 14 days.

Stay strong brother
GMS

 

Sisyphus -

So very sorry to hear of your loss. This may be a massive test to your resolve - but look at it as an opportunity to exhibit the new man you're becoming. Be the person you want to be, and respond the way you know to be right. Don't sweat the flat lining right now. I went through a long drought as well and bounced back with respect to interest. For a while during the recovery, your libido might bounce all over the place after the flat line - feast or famine. Just try your best to get in a routine. That way if the roller coaster hits you, or if you remain in the doldrums, you can fall back on your routine of activities and not think about it too much...

Hang in there, my friend. You will get through this. You've come a long way - and you're doing great. Don't forget that.

Jack T.

 

Thanks for your thoughts and well-wishes, guys! It's truly appreciated.

S

 

The gray zone

Doing okay with PMO so far, but it has been more of a struggle than usual for the past 3 or 4 days. I'm starting to get semi-normal morning wood these days and generally feel a bit "perkier" than since I quit, but it's been a mixed blessing. On one hand, it's nice to be able to feel a bit, well, MALE, again and to be re-attracted to the wife. OTOH, as my libido appears to be re-awakening, it's actually a bit MORE difficult to resist temptation and I'm finding that I'm triggering on more "benign" sights and other inputs. I feel like I can hold the line, and it's a matter of some pride that I've been able to walk away from the porn viewing without using any blocking software. As my perspective has changed and things have improved with my wife, I can more clearly see how much precious time I've wasted in The Dark Place. That provides a lot of motivation for me.

I'm kind of surprised that my flatline seems to be improving at what I think is still a relatively early stage of recovery and I'm not sure if I can trust my perceptions at this point. In the past month I've had up and down moments, but right now things are considerably more distracting. I want to believe that what I'm experiencing is some actual recovery of normal desire, but it's hard to tell. I'd be interested to hear what my YBR brethren think about this.

S

 

I absolutely think you are experiencing a re-establishment of some normal responses. I've noticed all of the same things myself.....return of the morning erections, subtle things like kissing my wife and caressing her butt in the morning on my way out the door will give me the little twinge down below, etc. All of these things had gone by the wayside when I was in the depths of my habit....probably because I had been exhausting the normal physiologic 'call and response' pathway of getting aroused....

I would take these signs as outstanding improvement. But you must be careful at this point. This is the exact stage in which I've faltered numerous times before, because I've felt alive, horny, and like I could control anything. So I'd have a peek - get instantly aroused (as my brain was starved for the stuff I would suddenly feed it) and boom - down the slippery slope I'd go once more. My advice (and take it for what it's worth) - is to focus that horniness on your wife. Send her a playful text in the middle of the day, or a risqué email. I've started doing this more and more. It satiates the desire to do something sexual when the urge hits - but directs the attention on the real person in your life whom you love and can give you a real-world response / reward. My wife loves the attention - and these little daytime playful episodes have led to some great evenings. As the saying goes, "Great foreplay in the evening begins with, "Have a great day, honey - you look amazing!" in the morning."

 

Thanks for your thoughts, Jack. I think you're right about the need for increased mindfulness and discipline right now. I have definitely felt like I've been skating a lot closer to the edge the last couple days and it's scary. The first week after I quit was filled with "grit your teeth and get busy with something now!" moments and then I flatlined and things actually got a bit easier. Now, it seems like the monster is really pounding on the door, trying to break out of the basement all over again. Going to need to find lots more to do to fill my time, I suspect. If I stay occupied, I do okay.

S

 

Hi Sisyphus,
Great practical advice from Mr T. Connecting your sexual urges, thoughts, to a real person - your wife is a great way to go. So instead of indulging in unreality you connect to a real person and that is very important. Your posts , especially the first, have been really open , honest and inspiring. There is a definite feeling behind what you write that suggests that you are seriously committed to doing this. It is not a linear process and there are bumps in the road but as you learn more, experience more and become more and more clear about what is happening in you the process begins to open up. I have found that stopping the compulsive behaviour is critical not optional but when you do or at least when I did I began to see deeper into myself , my fears, my coping behaviours, my self- criticisms and false beliefss. Bringing these things out of the shadows and into awareness does a lot to deprive them of their power over us. In the main they are paper tigers given power by our belief in them. You are doing really well and you have a lot to offer so keep posting , reading and connecting.