After lurking on these forums and on nofap community, I finally decided to post my own experience as its gotten really hard to keep it to myself and have no input or support from anybody. I also think it would be beneficial to track my progress to see where I stand and to raise any questions along the way. It all started for me at a very young age, I can't even remember how old I was when i first masturbated by holding a pillow between my legs and grinding on it while laying down on the bed. As you can see, from the very start I got off on a wrong path by doing M in such a tramatic fashion. I must have been at least 9 and I didnt know what I was doing. This would become the method of masturbation for many years and it never really transitioned to "normal" way because of ED. I started to watch porn at age 12 when I got my own computer. At the same age I went through a major change in my life (moving to a different country), which caused me alot of anxiety and PMO became a central coping mechanism. My use quickly became daily and then multiple times a day and I slipped into a major depression from which I have not recovered since. For half of my life I was suicidal, completely broken and miserable and I have no positive recollections during this period. My ED set in fairly quickly, but I continued to fap with a limp dick out of addiction/habit. My libido became nonexistent, I haven't had a single morning wood for at least 6 years, I didn't even know wet dreams were a thing and obviously I had no experience with girls because how could I? I have read countless accounts of ED from users here and on nofap and I have not come across one that was as severe as mine, hence the title. After living in denial for years, I had to face the facts when my first sexual experiences started to occur and they resulted in total failure. I went to the doctor and had all the tests done and was told that its all in my head. So ive been to psychiatrists and psychologists, had treatment and have tried antidepressants and nothing helped. I came across yourbrainonporn.com by accident and I gave it a go. On my first attempt I did 4 months nofap and noporn. For the first time in countless years, I started getting morning wood, started feeling better about myself and healthier mentally, had 2 wetdreams for the first time in my life and when my girlfriend visited me, I was able to have penetrative sex for 4 days (after which improvements dissapeared and i slipped back into flatline). Ecstatic about these changes, I allowed myself to indulge and let my guard down, had a slip-up, binged and was back to where i started. Second attempt was a bit longer than the first, but that came to an end when I failed to get hard on two occasions with two different girls in a short period of time (there was a little bit of alcohol involved which might have contributed a little). I was frustrated that after many months of no porn and nofap I was still not recovered, and concluded that there must be something physically wrong with me. While waiting for my appointment with a specialist, I relapsed 5-6 times over a course of the week to porn, while drinking and smoking away the pain. The specialist in men's health said what the previous GPs said before though, that all the tests came back perfectly fine and theres no possible physical cause for my problem. I am now back to nofap and today is my 70th day of absolutely no porn and no M. I am doing a few things differently this time. I have found that alcohol (and weed) use has been the primary reason for my previous failures. It lowered my inhibitions and lead to relapses and it also made me feel depressed and anxious for days after going out and drinking. I have also completely isolated myself socially. I am seriously depressed and I have more desire to fake positive emotions around people, I dont want to hear how well everybody else is doing which just brings me down and I dont want to be in a situation that causes me further embarrassment or brings my guard down and leads to another relapse. So far, my improvements have been minimal. I started to get occasional morning wood (30-40% in terms of strength), some of the mental fog has gone away. A week ago I had wet dream, which brought me back into a flatline and i just slept for a week. Today I have my energy and concentration back again. I am finding it easy not to fap because I am at such a point in my life where its simply not an option. I will either do nofap and cure myself or i will kill myself, but theres no more porn, ever. However, what is really grinding my gears is not knowing that i WILL get better, and being pessimistic and doubtful that my condition is reversible. Even at my best, when i managed to stay hard and have sex, I was nowhere near normal. Will I ever be like other 23 year old guys? Will I ever be able to have a healthy sex life without going into months-long flatlines after having a couple of orgasms? Anyways, thats my story..