worst PIED on the website, and my attempt to deal with it

After lurking on these forums and on nofap community, I finally decided to post my own experience as its gotten really hard to keep it to myself and have no input or support from anybody. I also think it would be beneficial to track my progress to see where I stand and to raise any questions along the way.

It all started for me at a very young age, I can't even remember how old I was when i first masturbated by holding a pillow between my legs and grinding on it while laying down on the bed. As you can see, from the very start I got off on a wrong path by doing M in such a tramatic fashion. I must have been at least 9 and I didnt know what I was doing. This would become the method of masturbation for many years and it never really transitioned to "normal" way because of ED. I started to watch porn at age 12 when I got my own computer. At the same age I went through a major change in my life (moving to a different country), which caused me alot of anxiety and PMO became a central coping mechanism. My use quickly became daily and then multiple times a day and I slipped into a major depression from which I have not recovered since. For half of my life I was suicidal, completely broken and miserable and I have no positive recollections during this period. My ED set in fairly quickly, but I continued to fap with a limp dick out of addiction/habit. My libido became nonexistent, I haven't had a single morning wood for at least 6 years, I didn't even know wet dreams were a thing and obviously I had no experience with girls because how could I? I have read countless accounts of ED from users here and on nofap and I have not come across one that was as severe as mine, hence the title.
After living in denial for years, I had to face the facts when my first sexual experiences started to occur and they resulted in total failure. I went to the doctor and had all the tests done and was told that its all in my head. So ive been to psychiatrists and psychologists, had treatment and have tried antidepressants and nothing helped. I came across yourbrainonporn.com by accident and I gave it a go. On my first attempt I did 4 months nofap and noporn. For the first time in countless years, I started getting morning wood, started feeling better about myself and healthier mentally, had 2 wetdreams for the first time in my life and when my girlfriend visited me, I was able to have penetrative sex for 4 days (after which improvements dissapeared and i slipped back into flatline). Ecstatic about these changes, I allowed myself to indulge and let my guard down, had a slip-up, binged and was back to where i started. Second attempt was a bit longer than the first, but that came to an end when I failed to get hard on two occasions with two different girls in a short period of time (there was a little bit of alcohol involved which might have contributed a little). I was frustrated that after many months of no porn and nofap I was still not recovered, and concluded that there must be something physically wrong with me. While waiting for my appointment with a specialist, I relapsed 5-6 times over a course of the week to porn, while drinking and smoking away the pain. The specialist in men's health said what the previous GPs said before though, that all the tests came back perfectly fine and theres no possible physical cause for my problem.

I am now back to nofap and today is my 70th day of absolutely no porn and no M. I am doing a few things differently this time. I have found that alcohol (and weed) use has been the primary reason for my previous failures. It lowered my inhibitions and lead to relapses and it also made me feel depressed and anxious for days after going out and drinking. I have also completely isolated myself socially. I am seriously depressed and I have more desire to fake positive emotions around people, I dont want to hear how well everybody else is doing which just brings me down and I dont want to be in a situation that causes me further embarrassment or brings my guard down and leads to another relapse.

So far, my improvements have been minimal. I started to get occasional morning wood (30-40% in terms of strength), some of the mental fog has gone away. A week ago I had wet dream, which brought me back into a flatline and i just slept for a week. Today I have my energy and concentration back again. I am finding it easy not to fap because I am at such a point in my life where its simply not an option. I will either do nofap and cure myself or i will kill myself, but theres no more porn, ever. However, what is really grinding my gears is not knowing that i WILL get better, and being pessimistic and doubtful that my condition is reversible. Even at my best, when i managed to stay hard and have sex, I was nowhere near normal. Will I ever be like other 23 year old guys? Will I ever be able to have a healthy sex life without going into months-long flatlines after having a couple of orgasms?
Anyways, thats my story..

 

Hey lastchance, first of all you need to recognize that you have made good progress and you're damn tough for making these major changes in your life. I know exactly how you feel about the depression and the not knowing if you'll get better, that latter thing is something I think most of us deal with and I know I do. I am at about 57 days of no MO and wonder that all the time. Its okay to be worried about that, its totally normal, but you need to ignore that annoying worry voice and instead just keep telling yourself to stay strong and stay with nofap. You know you can be better because you went 4 months and you had sex succesfully, that is all the proof you need, and subsequent failures are not good of course but focus on that initial success. Note that 4 months is a huge achievement and you need to be proud of that, I am at 2 months and hoping I make it to 4 with similar results.

The only other actual advice I might be able to offer is to encourage you to excercise and find other ways to occupy your mind and body, if you just sit around moping you end up in a vicious circle of depression, failure, relapse, etc. So, get up and get out, go for long walks (my remedy), get into books and other stuff away from a computer and off the couch. This is hard I know. Note I also have problems with drink and weed, I don't think they are the primary cause of my ED but they unfortunately help keep me stuck in the same old bad place I've been for years. Also, I personally don't think there's any shame in using viagra or cialis to help you over the anxiety part, if they help you stay hard and have sex and boost your confidence then they are good things. You don't need to take them forever but maybe keep a pill in your pocket for now just in case. Other people on this forum are again meds but I say any useful weapon is a good one in this fight.

Again, go easy on yourself man, you're tough and your progress is encouraging. Not perfect yet but don't give up, dig a little deeper and keep pushing.

 

thank you for the kind words man, really appreciate it. Weed/alcohol is out of the picture, I have completely cut out these things from my life if not forever, then till I am a sex god. As for viagra, it really doesnt do anything to me. I have 100mg package at home, but its no use, as it doesnt give you libido. To get my mind off the problem I am training 3 hours a day, it is key to my sanity at the moment. Can't wait for the holidays to end so I can resume it.
If my ED was typical, I'd take comfort in and deride strength from other people's success reports. But im afraid i damaged myself too much and theres nobody else whos comparable.
Few more modifications to my plan i have made:
1. no fantasy. I found that on my previous attempts I would engage in obsessive explicit fantasy when I got a bit of my libido back. I think it was setting me back and opening myself up to failure, so this time I cut off these thoughts as soon as they pop into my head and visualize a stop sign
2. Keep going until im completely cured. Although I managed to have a bit of sex last time, I wasnt ready and i wasnt restored. This time I need to be at a stage where I get constant 100% morning wood, random erections, healthy sex drive, and stay in this state for 2 months to solidify the progress before I go out and pursue women. Orgasming too early in my reboot sets me back too much.

 

Sounds like a solid plan really, I hope you can stick to it. I'd encourage you to keep posting here when you're feeling down, honestly I use this forum to distract myself from the cravings and depression. I might be spending too much time on the forum but I find it helpful and interesting, though I agree I also feel a lot of angst when I read about 'lucky' folks who reboot for a month and are back to good form. Wish that was me! But, with over ten years experience in ED honestly I've learned to deal with frustration and realized I am not like most other people.

Have faith in your body, if humans could so easily be rendered impotent then our species never would have survived. We are incredibly resilient and our bodies can rebound from a lot of damage. You're still young so just keep focused on your plan and watch out for the depression, and learn to deal with it.

 

I AM comparable. By what you have said, we seem to share many common traits (a dark period of our life that put us into this situation, same age group, alcohol and weed triggering relapses, seeming to be worse off than others, no libido, weak morning wood, doctors messing with your head even more by telling you you are OK physically and that you need to get help for your head) and I am definetly going to be following your journals. Then again, I am in the same situation as you (I am completely broken and soldiering on out of spite and because I don't know what else to do), so I don't know if that is a big help.

 

how many days are you into this? I will try to post any noteworthy changes and updates in the recovery, hopefully it will be helpful. Feel free to post updates here as well.

wish there was less negativity and more success stories around here

 

I have been into this for about six months. I once got to a point where I thaught I was recovered again during the month of November, but then I kind of went downhill again... Yeah, I will make sure to share any positive breakthroughs.

 

ive read ur account, its almost identical to mine. The major improvement in performance after about 4-5 months of no PMO, able to have sex with girlfriend when she visited, then the apparent disappearance of the gains, causing depression and relapse (fueled by alcohol and drugs). I think it is good that we have this established, which indicates some order to this whole thing and that we're not alone in this whole thing. The conclusions I made from all this are:

1. when my girlfriend visited, I was clearly overdid the sex, I "forced" it even as the quality of my erections and my libido was sliding with every day. I think "over-doing" it is the main mechanism by which this problem kicks in. I am now single, I am no longer responsible for making anybody else happy and I am determined to go about my recovery. Just because I was able to have sex does not mean I was anywhere close to being recovered. I will solidify the improvements first, and when I do have sex, I will do so sparingly and increase frequency overtime.
2. I feel that mind-altering substances are the culpit of my failures. I definitely react to them differently than most people, I feel that my brain is so fragile at this moment that they do far too much harm to me.

Honestly mate, I know the pain that this whole thing is causing, but in both of our experiences we saw clear improvements after no PMO that was impossible without it. We know this works, yet we have doubts about it getting us back to 100% normality. In the end, it is the logical extension that we just need more time and more consistency. GABE required 9 months to reboot, and his ED was not close to being as bad as mine. Another guy recovered after a year, and he said that during the first 5 months he didnt have a single erection. I fully expect to feel like shit for a couple more months and see little progress, but I will think i will be fully recovered at some point in this new year.

 

All I can say is that being 6 months in, you're closer from being healed than ever. It might take 1 more month, 2 more months, or 3, and it's totally worth it. Don't give up and keep hope.

 

Stories like this depress me.

I too have really bad PIED. I'm also 23.

I would PMO every day, multiple times a day and some of my sessions would last up to 4 hours. At day 66, I have seen NO progress.

 

My story is very similar to yours, about 50+ days in the ONLY progress I've seen is more frequent erections at night time, that seem to be a bit harder, and last a bit longer.

I like to think the above is progress, even though consciously it is very difficult for me to get them.

Will give more time, because it took 10 years to get into this mess

 

OP - your experience is much like mine. I was cured once before a relapse set me back. Or at least, I had made great progress. I am certain my progress was due to the absence of orgasm, and not just PM which seems to work for some people. Like yourself, my period of no PMO would give me a kind of sexual reservoir...I could have successful sex a few times a week and my libido just never recovered. I think you just need a longer period of no pmo, and that means no sex with women.

 

I used to fap to porn with a limp dick.

 

Lastchance,
I think your panic is not justified. You've already had success with giving up porn--you did it and it worked. If you truly are the worst case you can find, it would make sense to have one of the longest reboots on hard mode of anyone. Stick with it, it will work.

 

I turn 33 years old in a couple of weeks, and have been PMO'ing since before high speed internet. Please, lastchance, I beg you: promise that you will try to get suicide out of your head, and just move forward with this. You are 23, there is lots of time here. I know how much this sucks, but you just have to keep going. If you have not read TheUnderdog's magnum opus, check it out, because there is lots of wisdom in it: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0 . Good luck.

 

yeah. I mean, people are going into the whole reboot due to ED when they already do get morning wood. Makes sense that we need to get to their level first. I dug myself into a deep hole and shouldn't expect a 90 day recovery.

Nope, can scratch that 6 months out since I relapsed. handful of faps set me back to the very beginning. I am currently on day 78 of no PMO. Not giving up and going strong.

Don't want to be a hindrance or source of doubt for other people, sorry, I just needed to vent. I want this post to eventually become a success story and an inspiration to other people. If i will get through this than even the worst cases can be cured. Have hope

I wont, im stronger than that.


Anyways, so its day 78 for me now. Currently still very minor changes. Morning wood has come back to decent frequency, maybe every other day over the last week, some days better quality than others, but still nowhere near where it should be. Had a couple of days when I didnt feel completely empty and overwhelmed with flatline. Like yesterday my mind was working clear and I felt...."alive", like I had a bit of a sense of normality that I havent been feeling for 6-10 years that I lived in a flatline. No real libido yet nor random erections but feel a bit of a rush when certain fantasies creep in (try to control them). I pretty much know how the rest of my day is going to be like based on whether I wake up with erection or not, since its an indication of the flatline and its effect on my mood and energy levels. Hope the progress builds exponentially now that theres these faint signs of life.

 

Wise words man, wise words. I really hope we ace this in 2014. If I look at it calmly and soberly, the progresses really are undeniable... And even the relapses don't seem to throw us back to point 0. The situation really has improved a bit, and my sexual thoughts are definetly healthier than when I first began this journey (the other day, I found I have lost the attraction for many of the weird fetishes I used to have). In the end, as you well said, the worst part is this underlaying fear of never making it back to 100% and not knowing how much way you have left to go... And, in some ways, I believe you are lucky to be single again. I often find myself just wanting to be alone with my recovery, and when I see my GF I end up coming too often and fucking up my progress with orgasms, a problem you will not have to worry about anymore.

 

I really felt uneasy and unready deep down when my girlfriend was about to visit me, I knew subconsciously that I needed more time. I should have followed my instincts and put my interests first, because this is seriously the most important thing in my life right now. Maybe I would have already been fully functional and finally happy, instead of stuck in this hell 2 years on. This is literally about regaining my manhood, I should have dumped all the extra luggage bringing me down way back and prioritized. Oh well

Anyways, 2014 is our year, I can already feel it. Best of luck and keep posted!

 

since 90 days has such a symbolic status in the nofap community, I felt like I needed to post an update on my situation. The last couple of days have been very difficult for me as the 3 month mark was drawing closer and I didnt feel a step closer to my goal nor did I have any signs of improvement. About a week ago I had a couple of instances of morning wood, and they also seemed harder than when I was starting out (60-70% instead of 20%) my mood was a bit better on those days, as i felt calmer, had more self-esteem and could "feel" things to some degree. That all lasted just a few days and It has gone away. Right now I am feeling just as I did on day 1 and that really hurts. I am doubting that I will ever recover and every day im just counting down hours till I can go to sleep in the hope that I will wake up into one of those better days.

 

Have you had any actual experience with a real woman recently? You absolutely cannot judge without trying that. How you perform with yourself is not a good measure by any means.