Working on it...

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by jeffmotley, Feb 4, 2016.

  1. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    It can be easy to let seasonal depression set in, especially for those of us who live through "real" winters. You're not alone. We're all fighting this thing, and we're all gaining ground on it!
  2. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    that sounds nice :)
  3. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    I read the Top 3 Fatal Mistakes Rebooters Make in the companion Yourbrainonporn website and I wanted to post this in my journal for quick reference. I found them to be true for me..... Here's a link to the full page if you want to read the piece in its entirety.

    Mistake #1: Using Porn to Stop Feeling Bad...
    Please, stop this.... Stop medicating yourself with porn every time you feel pain and discomfort.

    Mistake #2: Being Hard On Yourself Every Time You Relapse.....
    Ok, so you just "relapsed". Calm down. Breathe. Next time you relapse, don't be hard on yourself. Calm down. Open your "relapse spreadsheet" (which I believe everyone should have) and mark the current date with an X. Then calmly get back on track as soon as possible.

    Mistake #3: Focusing Too Much On NOT Watching Porn....
    Focus your mind on the stuff that matters. Your family, your dreams, your health, your career.
    When urges arise, watch them mindfully. Observe them. Do not react. Do not suppress them. Do not push them away.
    Just kindly smile and focus your mind on something else.
    Watching porn is not an option. It's not a part of your life anymore.
    It's a thing of the past.
  4. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    all good stuff, JeffMotley. Thanks for posting :)
  5. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you

    Hi JeffMotley,

    Just read your journal. I started checking out the breathing YouTube video you posted with the two navy SEALs. Very interesting. As of late, I've come to find deep breathing very helpful to calm the nerves and ground myself. I will check the remainder of the video later.

    Good luck on this journey of recovery and self-discovery. Rooting for you.
  6. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Hey JM, just weighing in here. Point #3 is to me the most important of all. I had a coach once tell me that my burning desire to never fuck up, was probably making me fuck up. He felt that focusing on a negative, feeds it too much importance.

    I did really well under that coach; think he was on to something.
  7. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    Agreed, sonofJack. The more we focus on the negative, the more we give it reality. The more we focus on the positive, the more we give it reality :) Simple, not easy...
  8. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    Heading into day 5 no PMO. Yesterday was beautiful outside. Unseasonably warm temperatures in February and it was a Saturday, which for me was a day off from the usual office job. So, no stress. Relaxing. Got outside. Enjoyed the afternoon. Took my dog out for a hike, which he obviously enjoys. Simple pleasures.

    So, I stumbled upon this book that I want to remember and thought I'd share. It gets into the neuroscience of addiction, our brain chemistry, how our brains naturally seek pleasures and in some cases leads one to compulsive behavior -- the liking leading to wanting, etc.

    "The Compass of Pleasure : How Our Brains Make Fatty Foods, Orgasm, Exercise, Marijuana, Generosity, Vodka, Learning, and Gambling Feel So Good by David J. Linden"

    Using the concepts of MEMORY, PLEASURE, & ADDICTION - he nails the reasons why addicts (alcohol, drugs, sex. etc) keep returning to the substance, despite bad outcomes and life threatening consequences. It's the case of WANTING the same result(pleasure) even though, at some point later on, they are no longer getting it and still wondering WHY...

    Linden's interview on NPR's Fresh Air talk show... Very interesting stuff, if you're into learning about the latest theories about the relationship between our brain chemistry and addictive behaviors.
  9. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    I'm about midway through day 6 of no PMO. #motivationMonday The past two nights I've experienced bizarre, vivid dreams.....In the evenings, my usual go-to time for PMO, feeling profound sense of sadness. The emotion comes and goes, like a wave.

    One of my triggers to use is stress..... And, late Sunday afternoons I tend to start thinking about the work week ahead... nothing too intense to think about, but rather, for me, just the thinking about the week ahead gets me worked up and feeling anxiety. To help deal with the stress and avoid PMO, I work on meditation, exercise, yoga... walk the dog... get out of the house... do everything I can think of to avoid the feeling of anxiousness about the week ahead, but the thoughts keep coming. I think I read somewhere that porn sites see a big spike in user activity on Sunday evenings. I wonder if I'm not alone in feeling stress about the week ahead and going to PMO as a means of self-medicating myself to end the weekend.
  10. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    I need to go back and read this article, again, but I wanted to post this for reference.
    It's pretty science-ey, but I like reading about how the brain works...

    "A Neuroscientist explains why we look at porn"
  11. Newman8888

    Newman8888 The wound is the place where the Light enters you


    Thanks for posting the NPR link from the Fresh Air interview with David Linden. Very interesting and well worth the 35 minute long interview.
  12. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    You're welcome... Glad you found it interesting!
  13. Abc

    Abc The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not peek:-)

    I hear ya, JeffMotley :)

    I certainly ran into that same challenge Sunday night. Finding other ways to manage the stress is key - and it sounds like you've got some good options at play. For me, the challenge is to allow my feelings of stress/anxiety to run their course, and focus on the things I love to do/ground me. If I do battle with my feelings of stress, quick as a bunny, I'm into the porn.

    Keep up the good work!
  14. mikey23

    mikey23 New Member

    Thanks for this Jeff. I've read it takes a smoker an average of 7 times trying to quit to actually quit. Maybe it's the same for us. Good luck!
  15. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    You're welcome. 7 times, huh.... I need to go back and look at my log-book to see how many times I've tried to quit. It's gotta be close to 7 times by now!

    But yeah, regarding my log-book.. . Here's what I did.... I printed out a spread sheet with 66 boxes in it. I numbered each box... Each box represents a day..... And every morning, the first thing I do is put an "X" in a box. If I PMO'd the previous day, then I draw a circle in the box. The ultimate goal is to fill all 66 days of that spreadsheet with an "X" and no circles. I used to throw away a spreadsheet each time I had a reset, but that became too frustrating and a setup for my own failure... It's working better for me to look at the whole spreadsheet over time to evaluate where I am in the process... Kind of like a personal game I play. I also downloaded a "Habit Bull" app on my phone. Same sort of thing.. each day, I can put a check mark on the day I've met a goal to not PMO. It's not a solution to the deeper problems, it's just a good way to keep me motivated and something to look forward to doing the morning as part of my daily evaluation, looking at where I've been and where I'm going.

    There's a downloadable version of the 66-day spreadsheet at this link
  16. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    THANK YOU TERRY CREWS for going public about personal struggles with porn addiction!!!!

    "Some people say, 'Hey, man ... you can't really be addicted to pornography.' But I'm gonna tell you something: If day turns into night and you are still watching, you probably have got a problem. And that was me." He adds that his porn habit "really messed up my life."

    He explains that watching porn alters the way you see people. "People become objects. People become body parts; they become things to be used rather than people to be loved."

    Crews says he kept his porn habit secret from everyone, including his wife. "It affected everything. My wife was literally like, 'I don't know you anymore. I'm out of here.' I had to change. I literally had to go to rehab for it." He and singer Rebecca King Crews have been married since 1990 and have five children.
  17. sonofJack

    sonofJack I deserve self-respect

    Wow, a great story. It's especially relevant to me, as Terry Crews is someone who I respect, as a performer, and now admire even more as a human being.

    Do we want to live our lives craving airbrushed, posed, images, or making strong and meaningful human connections?

    This should not be a tough question to answer.
  18. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    Agreed. I'm encouraged and inspired by his honesty.
  19. jeffmotley

    jeffmotley Member

    Reading it to assess my compulsive behaviors.

    One part in this assessment got me to thinking about my recent compulsion to look online at advertisements and forums to local massage parlor reviews and prostitutes.

    I think I've been looking at these ads and getting lost in the fantasy of them. I've acted on the fantasy by going to massage parlors with so-called happy endings at the end of the session.

    One of those massage parlors got raided and shut down by police recently, and, honestly, I was relieved when that happened. It was kind of a wake up call and it got my attention.

    Happy endings at a massage parlor are illegal in the state where I reside. But the thrill-seeking to obtain the happy ending was what I desired. Fantasy turning to obsession, then acting on it.

    The local news stations jumped on the story, telecast pictures of the place and the mugshot of the massage therapist that they arrested. They posted her real name, not the fake name she gave me at the door, and described the alleged activity that occurred as part of the undercover police sting operation. Their term for the activity was not "happy ending," it was something more along the lines of "solicitation for prostitution and lewd behavior". Ugh. Makes me feel sick to think about, now.
  20. mikey23

    mikey23 New Member

    That is a great idea I think I will try it. Thanks for the idea and link Jeff

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