Words of a Wounded Warrior

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by occams_razor, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Wrote this earlier, may as well leave it in:

    Well I haven't posted in this journal for almost a week so maybe I should. I have posted elsewhere on the forum though.

    I was feeling pretty bad about something earlier. It could have led me to act out in some way. Instead I did something a little different - I wrote a quick, angry email to a politician lol. Recently they keep passing laws supposedly to make things safer but just make things more difficult for people who aren't loaded and/or in positions of authority. I don't want to talk about it any further though. The minute you question authority is the minute morons will stick up for that authority at your expense.


    In a better mood. Streak is fully intact. Not sure what to say so I may as well say something! I guess we can add another strategy to the list - complaining to politicians as an alternative to P.
    Merton likes this.
  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is great. I should have done something like this during my last relapse. It was very uncomfortable to sit with bad feelings, so I looked at porn. I should have dealt with these feelings differently.
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  3. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Busy week. I was very triggered a few days ago.
    A girl who works in a shop seemed very happy to see me. Of course maybe she's just good at getting to know repeat customers and all that. These days I'm more triggered by things like smiles and eye contact from women, rather than body parts etc.

    But what makes this one different was that the girl looks like an online "chat buddy" I had. So the next day I was very tempted to try an reconnect with that chat buddy and so on.

    I don't see many people talking about this kind of thing. Don't underestimate the dangers of online chat, "cybering" as it used to be known, and things of that nature. Even online stuff with a significant other.

    Right enough for now.
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  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Nice job reporting in!
    occams_razor likes this.
  5. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    How's it been going?
  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Looks like I coincidentally logged in just after you wrote that.

    It's been a fairly busy time with one thing and another.

    I was really triggered last Friday. I had to do several things in another town and I found pretty much every woman really attractive lol. Later that evening I actually found myself joining Instagram, a site I never use. I deleted my account shortly afterwards though. It helps that people on here and on other forums seem to agree that Instagram is a negative influence on recovery from this type of addiction. I was joining it more to get in touch with people (whom I shouldn't contact) rather than to look at P-subs, though of course that place is full of P-subs. Avoid Instagram, is the message here.

    My usual Saturday routine can be triggering but it wasn't bad at all really. I think I was in a relaxed mode after the "battle" the previous day. Also Friday was a kind of significant day for personal reasons. I had been looking forward to it a little. Somehow that probably contributed to the triggering.

    Sunday was pretty good. I worked on some hobbies and was also a little busy with this and that.
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
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  7. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I can certainly second this sentiment about Instagram. I had no idea what it was until I started trying to recover from porn addiction. Then it became a primary relapse tool.
    occams_razor likes this.
  8. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I've got to reset the counter unfortunately. Chat room. Good streak though.

    I'll write more about lessons learned etc. in the next post. For now, getting off the computer would be a good idea.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done in seeing this part !

    New streak or not, keep up the good work Occams !
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  10. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    So a 25-day streak ended. Then a 0.5 day streak ended. Thank you, chat rooms! During that most recent reset the chat room experience was so depressing that even I quit the chat and used a P-sub instead. Yay.

    A thought: replace the addiction with its exact opposite.
  11. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Recovery is going fine since the recent couple of resets. Moods have been less fine, but I've had some okay times as well. Hopefully I'll get a good night's sleep tonight.

    One thing that annoyed me a little about the resets - a contributing factor was enjoying interacting with women. Maybe a little bit of flirting at times. Then later on when I'm back home it's hard to get my mind off those women. You'd think it would be a good thing to have pleasant interactions with women, and it is, but I sometimes get these massive urges later on as a result.

    I suppose I should just concentrate on non-triggering things. When I have to interact with women, be polite and so on but try and think of other things. Sometimes I can both enjoy being with women and make sure my mind isn't too involved with them, but as the day count gets higher that becomes harder to do.

    Hopefully I'll be in a better "place" soon. A cure for these mood swings would be nice. I don't consider medication to be a cure. Meds are drugs which might help with some symptoms, but give you a load of negative side effects instead. Often it seems that the cons outweigh the pros, from observing other people who are on medication for these kinds of issues.

    "Counselling" and things like that tend to make me feel even worse. It's great if they work for some people, but I believe damage is being done by insisting that all issues of this kind can be helped by "talk therapy". Not all bodily issues are helped by penicillin, so why should all mind issues be helped by talking to some idiot.

    Okay, rant over.
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  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yea this is tricky. I would imagine that, at some point, the interaction with women IRL, especially if it's of the flirty kind, should lead towards something more. A date, a deeper relationship ..... sex. I mean as human males (homo sapiens on planet Earth) how long can we not have a release and flirt with girls ?

    I can understand this. I've done therapy lately and I talk a lot. At time I feel I'm paying to hear myself talk. I think therapy can be very good but it's tricky to find the good therapist and establish the right approach.

    It never really hurts though in the worst case it's like a way to get stuff off your chest. But it may not be worth the money or the time.

    It usually makes me feel better but not sure if it's making me improve my life.
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  13. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    In my early days of recovery I was more open to "something more". I had a fling with a girl and things like that. Nowadays for various reasons I don't want to rush into anything, even "casual" stuff.

    Unfortunately it can hurt and trust me, it gets way worse than that... but I don't want to talk about it.

    So although I'm on Day 6, I did waste a bit of time yesterday (Sunday) in a chat room. I'd had a somewhat stressful couple of days and then I slept badly on Saturday night. Because I couldn't sleep I started reading a book which, although gripping, was.. kind of disturbing, for me anyway. Obviously that didn't help me sleep. So the next day I gave in to a rationalisation to look at a chat room, and of course spent more time there than I planned, and did some damage to my recovery I'm sure. Perhaps I should reset the counter but right now I don't want to do anything which might depress myself lol.

    Fortunately I did sleep well last night. Time to get back into a healthy routine.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Is it a sex chat room? If not, I don't know why you think it damaged your recovery. Well, maybe a little, but you shouldn't reset your counter unless you saw nudity you meant to see.

    I don't know what you mean by saying talking to a therapist can hurt you, but I hope you recover from what happened. You don't have to explain here if you don't want to.
    occams_razor likes this.
  15. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I seem to have picked up a cold, or maybe I'm just run down. Last Saturday was stressful, plus the weather was hot one minute, then cold, wet and rainy the next. I wasn't dressed for it, and between that and the stress and general chaos and lack of sleep it's not a big surprise I'm not feeling too well. I have improved though. I'm slowly getting better.

    I've had some "blue balls" pain today. That could well be as a result of Sunday's chat room usage. I dunno.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Hope you feel better in the coming days.

    That's seems like a reasonable explanation. Especially if it was arousing. Should pass soon enough.
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  17. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Another reset! Or maybe it was part of Sunday's reset, if you know what I mean. At least I'm still good at avoiding P. I really need to accept my inability to look at chat rooms for any reason at all. And chat rooms often lead to P-subs.

    My strategy now is to both keep busy with things and also focus on healing in various ways. Get rid of things that remind me of the addiction, wherever possible.

    Consider: creativity, humility, "spirituality", self-help (of certain kinds).
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Notes to self:

    Watch my thoughts. If a thought could get me in trouble, stop thinking about it. Think about or do something else.

    Do hobbies. Either be "mindful" or think about hobbies and interests, rather than thinking negatively or lustfully.

    Learn about getting better, healing and so on. Practise what I've learned.

    Keep things clean, tidy and organised. Change clothes if they're getting uncomfortable (this is a practical way to improve my mood. There are many other ways).
    Living, TrueSelf and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  19. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Perhaps a bit late, but I wanted to respond to this for a while, but have been a bit busy. When you mention "talk therapy" that sounds like a form of psycho-analysis to me. Personally I am a bit of sceptic about forms of therapy that primarily focus on talking to, but a lot of modern therapies are really not so much about talking but rather about changing your behaviour. I even did this thing called Psychomotoric Therapy where I learned about how I dealt with pressure and limits by playing ball games:) Anyway, if the talk therapy didn't work for you, there is a whole range of therapies that go beyond talking. Besides PMT, I had some really good experiences with REBT and ACT. Perhaps you could give one of those a shot.
    occams_razor likes this.
  20. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Here's a slightly eccentric post. Nothing new there, I hear you say.

    I've already succeeded.

    But if I mess up, it's back to the drawing board.

    To compliment myself, besides virtually eliminating actual P, I deleted a chat app account. Easier said than done because I had to delete it, then leave it inactive for 60 days for this to happen! In the end I did it by changing my password to something unmemorable and then deleting the email address associated with the account. And I think that solution was partly an accident.

    It would really help if all chat rooms required signing up with a login and password, email activation and so on. Unfortunately you can just log in to many without any such barriers.

    I find it really hard to accept my inability to just briefly log in to a chat room, see if a particular person is there and then log out again. I log in, the person is not there. Then I spend AGES there, seemingly unable to leave (not always but often). Even if the person is there, nothing good happens.

    So anyway, streak is arguably intact but I wasted time in a chat room yesterday, then felt like crap afterwards.

    I'm reading a book which might be very relevant to my recovery, in a way. Perhaps I should talk more about this kind of thing I'm alluding to, in case it helps someone. Or even me..
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