Words of a Wounded Warrior

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by occams_razor, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I'm somewhere in month 4 now and I have recently discovered I can make objects levitate. Like I can make a plate with spaghetti float 30 cm above the table. Now my girlfriend didn't really like that because it was her plate and when it came down her white dress suddenly had this red splattery pattern, but still, it's pretty cool. Together with the infra-red vision I developed on day 43 and the ability to make these really difficult origami figures I think I will be approached by some secret agency pretty soon.

    On a more serious note: good to hear that there is so much progress!
  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    "If all men were to bring their miseries together in one place, most would be glad to take each, his own, home again, rather than take a portion out of the common stock."

    In other words, better the devil you know?

    (I don't mean P. That's one devil that you don't want anything to do with)
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
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  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is great! I also have seen a disappearance of PIED. I remember back in 2015, it would not go away even if I went without porn for a couple of weeks (I had to wait until day 70 or so on my first run). Great work. You are an inspiration.
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  4. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I had a slip on day 13, I think. I suffered a mood swing that was probably triggered by some stressful stuff. Acting out provided very little relief even while doing it.

    I'm on day 2 now I guess, but I'll concentrate on other things rather than the day count.
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  5. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I am right there with you, messing up last night. Dammit. Anyway the best thing we can do is try to learn from the experience. Onward!
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  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    A partial slip today unfortunately. I looked at a chat room and a P-sub or two.

    Apart from that I've been doing okay considering various things that are going on and not sleeping well and so on and so forth.
  7. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Something I wrote earlier:

    I keep having dreams about women and then I'm more tempted to act out afterwards.

    A couple of times recently I've been out walking and I suddenly get dodgy thoughts.


    I had a reset to a chat room today. I think totally quitting chat rooms has to be my biggest priority as far as the addiction goes. I started a thread last month where I talked about this in more detail, as well as similar things such as dating sites. I was going to say I haven't used a dating site yet this year. That's true, although I have glanced at some "personal ads", although luckily almost no one posts there any more.

    (Edit - I did briefly use a specific kind of dating site early this year. It was rubbish)


    I might set up a dreaded counter now. If I so much as peek at a chat room, the counter gets reset. The same goes for dating sites and personal ads, although hopefully that won't be an issue.
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2019
  8. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    “The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

    Alan Watts
  9. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Hey something I've been wondering about for some time. For me porn equals x rated videos. Going by my definition of porn you have been "porn free" I think for quite a long time. Were videos/pictures ever an issue for you or was it always chat rooms/Ads that you have had problems avoiding? If you once had problems with more "traditional porn" (pics/vids) how did you get away from it?

    I ask because I have relapsed to non hardcore materials in the past (like an r-rated scene) but I have almost immediately gone back to X rated material afterwards. This seems to not be the case for you.

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  10. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I did avoid all porn sites for about seven months maybe. Then one night I decided to have a quick "peek". What I saw was very harmless and could almost be described as a P-sub. However, it was very drug-like and one of my bicep muscles started twitching lol. That twitching had happened two or three times in my life before, but not as a result of porn use. And those times it quickly went away. This time it was happening off and on for a few days! Very weird. I should have mentioned this in my journal. I think I mentioned it to an accountability partner (I don't have an accountability partner at the moment. Maybe I'm not suited to having one).

    I've watched very little porn since. I usually reset to P-subs and/or chat rooms.

    We all know how P-subs are everywhere these days. It's probably been this way for a long time, but the influence of porn has taken things to an extreme it seems. Also there's a reaction against some harmful old shame-based attitudes. Unfortunately the reaction probably hasn't done any good and the shame remains, more or less.

    In some ways I'm very turned off by things that are exclusive to porn. I'm sure I could easily go back to being turned on by that stuff though.

    Yes, videos and pictures were certainly an issue for me. I often combined looking at porn and P-subs with chat rooms. You could compare that to mixing hard drugs.

    You say "Ads". Maybe that's a typo? Perhaps you mean Apps. Of course, ads as in advertisements could often be described as P-subs. I've been avoiding ads as much as possible for many years anyway.

    There are a couple of books which I think helped change my attitude to "traditional porn". One is HackBookEasyPeasy or whatever the proper name is lol:

    Another, perhaps even more helpful book is "Never Binge Again", even though it's aimed at binge eaters.

    I'll try and talk more about what's helped me in the next post or two. Of course I've still got lots of progress to be made in this and other areas.
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  11. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I've had a decent weekend so far. Sundays can be tricky recovery-wise, but this one was mostly fine. It helps that I'm being strict about chat rooms - even one peek and I have to reset the counter.

    I'm also enjoying a couple of hobbies. One of them is messing around with a really old computer, trying to get everything working properly. And of course playing old games on it. It's nice to use a computer with no internet capability. Well, I guess I could get some kind of internet going on it, but I won't.

    I've got my place nice and tidy as well. That's worth doing. It seems to help more than you might think.
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  12. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Today wasn't such a great day. Slept badly last night and felt pretty ropey as a result. Started feeling better as the day wore on and managed to nap for a little while in the evening.

    No problems recovery-wise.
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  13. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    You are an inspiration :D

    I've been doing more chores lately. Such a good habit to implement I think. Tricky one for me though ...

    Zen mind goes hand in hand with a zen space ...
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  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Thank you for mentioning this book. I've been listening to the audio book during my commute. I was surprised how similar the ideas are to Rational Recovery. I'm really able to identify with the idea that there is a part of me that wants to live a better life and a part of me that wants to revel in sexual gluttony. In that vein I have come up with a crass expression ("F you Pig") to use when recognizing "pig squeals" (desire to use porn/ogle/etc.) I also like the idea of writing out a Healthy Sexuality Plan using the Healthy Eating Plan format.
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  15. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    That's interesting. I'm glad you like the book.

    I'm having a busy day, and I've got a couple more things to do, but it's all gone fairly well. The week got off to a bad start because of lack of sleep and a short-lived negative mood swing. Thankfully it improved a lot after that. I'm enjoying my hobbies, getting things done and feeling decent.

    Maybe I need to be always messing around with hobbies, interests and so on. And moving from one thing to another without worrying about being consistent or whether what I'm doing is "pointless" or whatever. I often come back to things I've previously abandoned anyway.

    I remember reading about how some people have an importance-based sense of motivation. Others have an interest-based sense of motivation. I would definitely be in the interest-based category. Probably most people are importance-based. If something is considered important to do, they're motivated to do it. It's more socially acceptable to be like that, I reckon. But you can't force it if you're interest-based like me. Follow your interests and forget about people who have a problem with that.

    I'm good at keeping some things tidy, but other things have a tendency to get chaotic. Clothes for example. I'm deliberately trying to keep on top of them at the moment. If I do a little every day for long enough, it might become a habit...

    Right I gotta go, more soon.
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  16. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Regarding mood swings, are you getting better at remembering they will pass ?

    I find it very hard to remember this through the ups and downs.

    In the highs I often think I found "the key" and it will stay this way (but then I lose it again and start questioning if it was an illusion) and during moments of negativity I often lose a lot of perspective, even the fact that "it will pass".
  17. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I'm not too bad at remembering that negative mood swings will pass. But I tend to think, well, it'll pass but then it'll come back again, and probably at an inconvenient time! Oh well.

    I think recovering from PMO helped give me some fairly spectacular "highs" lol, but they were usually followed by lows soon afterwards. My brain has probably "rebalanced" to an extent. I'd still have mood issues even if I had never looked at porn. Porn definitely made things much worse though. And before I got hooked on porn I was doing too much M and looking at P-subs anyway.
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  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah the same for me ... Although I still have trouble remembering clearly they'll pass when they hit me. Working out seems to help though. To burn some extra energy and agitation when "too high". Keeping a stable discipline with healthy habits every day (and keeping coffee pretty low) helps for sure. But the ups and downs can still be tricky. For sure staying off P binges helps my brain, and I think even more so to stay away from alcohol excess and weed. But even then I'll still have some mood swings but I put myself in a better place to find solutions and navigate them. Hopefully.

    When I try to improve socially by getting out of my comfort zones it's hard to control the ups and downs. If things work out well I'll get too enthusiastic and when they don't it's hard to manage the set backs without feeling too low. I guess I gotta keep both the high more grounded and the low less gloomy.

    But I think I'm overall more stable and mature now then I was 10 years ago so that's good. And most of all I seem to understand how I work a lot more. I guess this knowledge helps a lot even if the mood swings are still uncomfortable.

    Maybe if I organize my appartement and make it nicer I'll have less mood swings lol :D
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  19. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    And staying "present" and taking care of tricky thoughts and emotions at an early stage rather than ignoring them until they turn into serious mood swings, perhaps.

    That's good, but I'd be careful with words such as "mature". I used to call myself immature when, for example, a mood swing affected my performance at something important. But most people don't get mood swings like I do so they never had to become "mature" in this sense. And there are plenty of idiots out there with no empathy or imagination out there who will deny the existence of such things and just judge people who struggle in any way that they can't understand.

    You'd be surprised how much it can help!
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  20. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I'm pushing this up on my priorities.

    I'm gonna try to do 15 mins of daily organizing/cleaning my place.

    Gotta build up this habit. It can only help.

    Thanks for pointing this out. It's very true I think. And it shows me how I still subtly belittle myself and automatically compare myself with some kind of "norm". The inner critic is one tricky lil bugger !
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2019
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