Words of a Wounded Warrior

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by occams_razor, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    So I'm still alive anyway, in case anyone's wondering.

    I'm on day 10, although today wasn't perfect from a recovery point of view. I once read something about addiction being like having an "inner salesman" who tries to persuade you about how great it would be to give in to the addiction.

    So yeah I did give in a little and briefly looked at a P-sub. Definitely not worth it, damn that salesman! Lol.

    If it wasn't raining at the time I would have gone for a walk instead. I can't rely on dry weather in my part of the world however, so I better do other things instead.
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  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    So true :D

    If you slipped and looked at a P-sub it's not ideal sure, but still you then regrouped and didn't proceed to relapse. Good work right there !

    How about some book reading when it rains outside, with a cup of tea ? If not, a good movie. Or, perhaps going out to have a beer/coffee with a buddy ?

    Just shooting some random options... ;)
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  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Indeed. Great work on keeping yourself away from a relapse.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    He's damn good. The kind that can sell pretty much anything.

    I find walking in the rain to be very relaxing. Perhaps investing in a good rainjacket is something to consider?
  5. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I do have plenty of interests that don't require me to leave the house. Or indeed I could go out and get a coffee or whatever.

    I think the main problem was not managing my mood well enough. It was a case of, "Argh, I've got urges and I can't go for a walk because of the weather and I've got all this boring work to do and everything is annoying me!".

    I just needed to calm down a little. Having a shower probably would have helped a lot. Maybe a bit of exercise first.

    I have done a lot of walking in the rain. Lately I've been more inclined to avoid it, partly to avoid colds and so on. Or just to avoid dealing with wet and possibly dirty clothes afterwards. I'll think about getting more suitable clothing though!

    Cheers. A relapse would really bring my mood down.
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  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Something "bad" happened to me yesterday but I think it'll turn out for the best. I was going down a path in my life which I don't think suited me (this is nothing to do with recovery by the way). Now something has been taken away from me but I think I'm better off without it. It's a case of the "freedom of limits".

  7. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I have never and will never do a pun on erections. Touch wood.

    (Stewart Francis)
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  8. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Okay, I slipped up a little yesterday with P-subs and the like. The stressful event last weekend was a big factor. Perhaps even bigger factors are adjusting to the resulting changes in my day-to-day life and thinking about making yet more changes!

    Yet another factor was using my laptop computer. I normally use a desktop PC or a phone or tablet. In earlier streaks I would deliberately hide away my laptop. The laptop developed an issue with its power cable, which helped. The other day I fixed this issue (ridiculously simple fix) but shortly afterwards I was giving in to rationalisations.

    Why are laptops an issue? Portability, easy typing and old associations I guess.

    Fortunately there was no P or MO, but I know that maximum strictness is the way to go.
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  9. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    It seems like the gods, and my own stupidity, have decided that I must suffer one last reset.

    If I was a stricter person I would have called Wednesday's "slip" a reset anyway. For what it's worth I was on Day 21, or Day 4 if we're being strict about it.

    There are other factors but it is it worth talking about them? Some guys like to write about things that triggered them but then their journals can be triggering to other people, and probably themselves when they read over what they've written.

    I'm rambling a bit. Long story short, I messed up, now let's do this and change the world!
    Merton likes this.
  10. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I was watching a YouTube video. The guy said a lot of people are doing things wrong when they try to, for example, lose weight and exercise more. They take a "no pain, no gain" approach. This makes them think they're being virtuous in one respect, which makes them more likely to be less virtuous in other respects. Also, when they achieve some results they'll probably abandon the regime.

    Instead of dieting, it's better to pick one thing you have an issue with - perhaps chocolate - and decide to quit it for good. I'm just a person who doesn't eat chocolate. Once you've mastered that, pick something else. This is a more sustainable approach which doesn't lead to acting out in other ways (or replacing addictions with other addictions).

    Online chat remains an issue with me at times, so maybe I should focus on becoming a person who just doesn't do that anymore. I'm a non-line chatter! That was a pretty bad pun.

    Even though I've recognised this as a problem for a long time, it's pretty easy to rationalise my way into online chat in some form. It's very often the first step of a relapse.

    I just don't do that anymore.

    (I'm not focusing on the day count, but for future reference I'm on Day 1, yesterday was Day Zero)
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Yes the first step is always the most innocent but you have to stop yourself before you take it if you know what comes next. For me it was always facebook, instagram or just plain google images. "Hey, I'll just check what's new on instagram. No big deal". From there it escalates to some slightly more dangerous content and so on. Fifteen minutes later I'm on a porn site. The mistake wasn't to go to the porn site (well, it is, but still) but to take the first step. There's this famous Chinese proverb "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step". It's used in a positive way but you can also use it differently. If you're on the wrong path that began with a single (wrong) step, too.
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  12. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I'm on Day 7 now, and it's been a good seven days from a recovery point of view. I didn't cheat in any way that I can recall.

    I have an accountability partner these days. I wasn't really looking for one, but it kind of happened. That might partly explain why I write less here these days. I still log in here every day though. I'll try and write more often.

    I've been listening to Patrick Wyman's Fall of Rome podcast, which is interesting.

    Right I'll leave it there for now.
  13. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    My week's been fairly busy so far, and I've been dealing with some negative thoughts and emotions. Oh, and hay fever. Back on the anti-histamines then...

    It's not all bad. But it's annoying when logic doesn't seem to have much effect against crappy thoughts and feelings.

    I suspect the rest of the week will be better though. And I'm still clean..
  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well done on staying clean during a more negative mind frame phase. I'm dealing with something similar these days.

    Sometimes the best logic is, as you say, to remember it will pass. Clouds come and go.

    It's also a good occasion to practice the art of disconnecting from negative rumination. Easier said then done, but still an occasion for such practice :)

    Let's keep going !
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  15. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Yeah in the middle of the night I was rudely awoken by wisdom tooth pain and shortly afterwards the negative thoughts started up again. I remembered to do a couple of self-help techniques (healing code and Sedona method) which helped a lot.

    Unfortunately I had an annoying letter from the government this morning which brought my mood down again! I sorted it out anyway and a silver lining is it's helping me make a decision.

    See you along the dusty trail.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  16. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    A quick Friday night update.

    It's been a very stressful week with one thing and another. Let's not be too negative though. Often it's those difficult times that produce the best memories. Well, not always, but hopefully you know what I mean.

    Something relevant that's on my mind. We all know how bad it is to be using P on a regular basis.

    But what about when we try to quit? We could get into a cycle of abstaining, then bingeing and so forth. Unfortunately that's incredibly harmful. There's a word I'm seeing, "kindling". No, not firewood! I don't fully understand it, but basically don't underestimate the dangers of relapsing.

    Quit and quit for good. It could get messy (especially if you're like me), but it's our only choice.
    Merton likes this.
  17. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I had one last silly reset...

    At least I didn't use P. I still feel crappy, and triggered, but I'd feel a lot worse if I'd used P.

    That was Day 13. Unlucky for some!
  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member


    At times today I felt pretty bad. Sometimes I get very hopeless and can't see the point of anything.

    Then a few hours later I was feeling a lot better for no particularly good reason.


    Another silly reset. It was kind of a hangover from the one on Sunday. I don't think explaining further would help. I'm not too upset at the moment, it's just one of those things. I know what I have to do now.
    Merton likes this.
  19. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Day Seven completed.

    Recovery never really ends. “The question is not why the addiction, but why the pain.” Gabor Maté

    If internet porn didn't exist, I'd be on another forum for some other addiction or for some kind of mental distress. In fact, I've posted on several types of the latter type of forum, but not the former.

    I'm probably improving in general, but it seems to be at a snail's pace. Perhaps one of these days I'll surprise myself at how much I've improved. Let's see.

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  20. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    To be more accurate, currently it seems like I'm improving at a snail's pace. And I feel a lot better about things since I wrote that yesterday anyway.

    Also, I have surprised myself quite a lot by how much I've improved:
    • PIED gone
    • Better assertiveness and ability to stand up for myself and others, including cutting toxic people out of my life
    • I used to get knee pain, but it hardly ever happens any more
    • Stronger voice, better at small talk
    • Just not having that P-addict mentality, not being consumed with lust, actually enjoying abstinence

    Right, I'll stop myself before I start talking about "superpowers".
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