Words of a Wounded Warrior

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by occams_razor, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Ok I see, thanks for clarifying. For some erroneous reason, I thought P-subs were forums with specif types of P, just less organized then actual real P sites. Don't know where I constructed this idea lol.

    "P-subs" as P substitutes, makes sense now ! I've been guilty of this too, google images can be tricky. I agree with you, it's definitely middle circle type of stuff, for people like us who are trying to stay away from actual P.

    Congrats on deleting the chat program. That's a sign of commitment.
  2. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is great! I am on 2/10000
    occams_razor likes this.
  3. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Sorry for two replies here. I was also a huge abuser of psubs as a youngster. I had many tapes that I had recorded of music videos and random stuff from TV. I don’t know where I got the idea to do these things. I can definitely see that things are exponentially worse since the advent of hi speed internet, but I do not always relate when people say that all the problems started then. I seem to have had problems my whole life.
    SeekingWisdom and occams_razor like this.
  4. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I've had a pretty easy time in the past few days, generally speaking. Has it been longer than that? A week?

    What I mean is I haven't had many urges and my mood has been pretty good most of the time. I've been reading about a guy from the late medieval / early Renaissance period, and some of his own writings. For some reason that seems to be helping a lot (also I don't feel like naming him here right now). I've also been playing a video game a bit. Even when I'm not doing those things I can always think about them. Minor urge? Think about something more interesting instead, such as that historical guy or that game.

    I am pretty tired however, perhaps because the weather has changed a lot. I'm enjoying the sunny, warm weather, but I think adjusting to it is a little tiring.
    Merton likes this.
  5. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Had a fairly bad day yesterday and used some P-subs and looked at a chat room.

    Today was better. Some stress but I managed.
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  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I went to a different town today for some shopping (mainly groceries but also to look at interesting stuff lol). I felt good and confident. Luckily I don't seem too harmed by looking at P-subs the other day.

    I absolutely believe in not using any P-subs or chat rooms, but if I occasionally mess up in this regard there's no need to go and start bingeing P or anything like that. To paraphrase something I saw on YBOP, it's like saying, "Oops, I've cut my finger. May as well cut my hand off now."
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  7. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is great.
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  8. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I believe I'm coming up on 30 days out of 10,000.

    Quality needs to improve for the next 30 days. No more P-subs or online chat. I'm allergic to that stuff!

    I don't have a user-friendly mind but I can still do this.

    "This horror will grow mild, this darkness light."
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  9. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Actually I think I'll just call it Day Zero again.

    I think the fresh start is needed. More soon.
  10. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Yeah so the lesson is, don't mess around with P-subs and rubbish like that.

    Another problem was fantasising. I sometimes do this in bed at the weekend. Not so often these days thankfully, buy I did it last weekend about a girl I was talking to.

    This kind of nonsense leads to me eventually getting urges for P, and making me feel like I did when I was an active addict. I definitely don't want to go back to that.
    SeekingWisdom likes this.
  11. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    As addicts we tend to crave things by themselves, separate from all context.

    In reality, nothing is entirely separate. Everything is inter-dependent. You can't just isolate one particular thing.

    "I want to have an amazing wife."
    Okay, but what kind of mother-in-law do you want to go with her?*

    * Alan Watts
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  12. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Day 6.

    Sunday can be a tricky day. I did feel some temptations, mainly to look at a chat program.

    Instead I went out and climbed a hill! It was great. I used to do that all the time. I still go out for decent walks, but usually in the same old places. Time to do it more often!
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  13. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I haven't really been motivated to write anything on the site since the previous post last Sunday. I've been reading messages though.

    Some things that have been helping me: reading about interesting stuff, reading in general, pursuing hobbies, pursuing more "braindead" things such as computer games (although you can learn some practical things doing that, particularly if you mess around with old hardware)...

    I also meditated a few times. I tried some sitting meditation and quickly fell into an old routine, which was nice. I think I did some walking meditation when I was climbing the hill last weekend as well. I'm reading a book which differentiates between "wise mind", "emotion mind" and "rational mind". It's not bad so far.

    Gotta go right now, more soon.
    Merton likes this.
  14. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    So things have been going okay, generally speaking. I'm on Day 18 and I haven't slipped up in any way, except maybe fantasising. Even then I've generally noticed what I'm doing and stopped very quickly.

    I have been strongly tempted, especially one time earlier this week. What helped me was thinking about some of the lengths I've gone to to avoid all that bad stuff. I thought, well it must be pretty important to me even if it doesn't seem like it right now!

    Also, hobbies and interests. Always have something better to think about, basically.

    Quite tired this evening so I'll leave it there!
    TrueSelf, Thelongwayhome27 and Merton like this.
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Great work occam on getting close to 3 weeks! It does seem very important to fill the porn void with other activities as you say. Keep it up!
    occams_razor likes this.
  16. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Thanks man. Means a lot at the moment. I was still using the "old" forum a lot, but frankly, fuck 'em! Lol

    Looks I'll be posting here more often.

    You keep it up as well. You've always got an ally in me!
    Merton likes this.
  17. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    A reset on Day 20. P-subs. Online chat. As is the case these days, I didn't chat in a "bad" way, but it was still a factor.

    The biggest cause was using the old forum late at night, getting pissed off with a mod decision and things like that.

    Felt bad earlier today and one thing led to another.
    M'ing wasn't needed to O.

    It was a high-quality streak though. Onwards.
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Another strange factor in that relapse might have been the following. A very minor celebrity whose work I've enjoyed became embroiled in some dodgy stuff recently. Kind of low-level sex offender stuff, you know? And his issue was mostly internet-based.

    It was a little shocking. Only recently I was thinking that this guy must have a pretty cool life. Big mistake it turns out. I also did too much looking into it and there was some triggering stuff (words, not images).

    There was a slight "there but for the grace of God go I" feeling to it. I would never have done exactly what he did though (I hope).

    Probably a lot of people have had a similar experience, what with all the celebrities getting in trouble for things like this. One example is Louis CK. I enjoyed some of his stand-up quite a lot, and then there was all that stuff...

    That was a badly written post lol. I'm slightly braindead at the moment. I was feeling pretty damn good until last Saturday night, as I alluded to in the previous post. Then the reset on Sunday.

    [NOTE TO FUTURE SELF - Don't do any of that stuff that has landed you in trouble a thousand times before]

    Day One is twice as good as Day Zero though.
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  19. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I hear what you say about Louis CK. I was also a pretty big fan, but I'm not totally sure what to make of certain revelations.
    occams_razor likes this.
  20. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Great thought! I think all of us face the "amnesia" effect from time to time. This seems like a good way to help combat it.
    occams_razor likes this.

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