Words of a Wounded Warrior

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by occams_razor, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Sorry for the lapse Occams, but you sure worked those ''positive muscles'' for 93 days and that deserves some serious congrats and respect (from a serial relapser like me) ! I think that can come in handy in the continuation of your journey onward. Congrats on feeding the good wolf with such consistency and wish you to find the right path going forward.

    I also had this problem of lapsing after a milestone as I've relapsed once or twice right after 30 days. I think it has to do with that counting days mentality but hey we're humans right ?

    I think an important thing is that you've shown yourself you can do this.
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2019
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  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I can finally say I got past the famous "90 days". One thing I've noticed though. I'm always interested in posts from people who have returned to these types of forums after an absence. They often say they did the 90 days and then gradually fell back into the bad habit of PMO.

    Counting days is often problematic. The milestone effect seems to come from a sense that I've achieved some final victory over PMO or something. One instance where counting days is good is when I remind myself of my day count and it motivates me to continue.

    If I stay clean for a few more days I'll be able to say I only messed up once in 100 days.

    I thought of an analogy. If you were fighting a war against an opposing army, and they won a battle, you wouldn't just surrender and let them do as they pleased. You'd learn from the loss and continue fighting the war.

    In my next post I'll talk about something which might sound weird but it's helped me quite a lot.
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  3. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I'd like to do that properly but a combination of things is making that difficult right now. Meantime, here's a list of celibate people, to help counteract the obsession with let's say, the opposite of celibacy:

    Isaac Newton, scientist
    Thomas Merton, monk and writer
    Nikola Tesla, inventor
    Martin Luther, monk and religious reformer
    Gotama Buddha, also known as "Buddha"
    Elizabeth I, virgin Queen
    Immanuel Kant, philosopher
    Pythagoras, philosopher
    Andy Warhol, artist
    Joan of Arc, heroine
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  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'd almost call it the infamous 90 days. It seems that there's a myth here that after 90 days, you're completely cured. That's probably why it happens. The thing, though (for me, at least), is that it never really ends. I expect having to fight this addiction for the rest of my life. I know that it sounds very negative, but it's actually not too bad. After months of no PMO, it hardly took any effort. The reason why I eventually relapsed was due to built up frustration. The next time I know better.

    Which is a much better way of looking at it than pure day counting!
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  5. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    It never really ends because even if P and P-subs disappeared, there are still real women around, and fantasising etc. It doesn't really matter if you're in a relationship or not, there are still other women around!

    Yes. Pure day counting leads to all-or-nothing thinking. So if a streak ends, a binge often follows.

    Okay, that's not the only reason for chaser effect relapses, but it's a big reason. I used to suffer big time from the chaser effect, but not anymore. It can be beaten.

    I'm only on Day 10 by the traditional counter, but it feels more like Day 40 or 50. For example, I nearly had a wet dream this morning. Unfortunately I did a bit of fantasising afterwards, but not about P. Then I got up and got on with things. It was easy to forget about it.

    To change the subject, I did have lousy mood swings following a stressful event last week. I alluded to that previously. I think I'll try and get back into regular meditating, and also do more private journalling about things. Supposedly that might help. I won't bother repeating the stressful event again lol, for the foreseeable future anyway.
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  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I have to report another reset on Day 12 (or was it Day 11, as I will explain)!

    Some issues with that streak included not being strict enough about avoiding online chat, and thinking of the internet as a place to facilitate "casual sex", I guess. I'll skip any excuses!

    On the plus side I didn't look at P.

    I was actually thinking of calling it a reset yesterday. I thought, did I do enough to consider it a reset? Well I certainly did enough today anyway. Hopefully that makes some sense.

    An analogy I just thought of. Imagine someone who has given up chocolate, but still has a chocolate bar in the house:

    Having a chocolate bar in the house leads to..
    Holding the wrapped chocolate bar leads to..
    Opening the chocolate bar thinking I'll just have a tiny bit leads to..
    Eating a tiny bit leads to..
    Eating the whole chocolate bar.

    So don't have chocolate in the house, and don't hold any chocolate in your hands lol.

    Maximum strictness is in order.
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  7. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I have an account on a well-known chat program which has been an issue with some resets, such as yesterday's. I'm looking to delete that account, but unfortunately it's a somewhat labyrinthine process. It's even more complicated since I've already deleted the email address associated with the account. Anyway, it's just a matter of doing a little thing, waiting a while, doing another little thing, waiting another while, and then it's deleted.

    Similarly, an online chat room has been an issue with many resets. I'll just avoid that completely, forever. I have in the past avoided all online chat for significant lengths of time but I tend to get over-confident eventually and give in to some rationalisation about it. No more.

    Can I look at P, P-subs, online chat and so on? No, but I can do an infinite number of better, more fulfilling things instead, so why waste time, energy and health on any of that bullshit.

    Have I been strict enough so far today? Yes.
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  8. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Another reset! The chaser effect got me for the first time in about 195 days! I've had six resets in about that time, I think, and this was the first chaser effect reset. I still haven't looked at P in a long time. The reset involved P-subs as well as a little online chat.

    I've been thinking about relocating somewhere else and getting a new job. I haven't done much actual work towards that yet, but the stress might be a factor in the recent couple of resets. A major stressful event a few weeks ago is also a factor. Not excuses, but factors.

    I have to be very careful to avoid fantasising. I've just installed a blocker which should help me with the online chat issue.

    A thought: I can quit things pretty easily under certain circumstances. For example, I have a couple of food intolerances which cause me issues with my skin. So it's easy for me to avoid those things.

    P, P-subs and online chat are like food intolerances for me. Well, worse actually lol. I'll try and treat them as if I'm allergic to them though.

    I'll never give up on recovery anyway. It seems like getting past 90 days didn't exactly cure my addiction lol.
    Last edited: Mar 20, 2019
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  9. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    You are still doing great. I know what you mean about intolerance. I seem to do best when I have the mindset that even though some people enjoy porn and seem to have some reasonable relationship with porn, it has no place in my life. I will aspire I things greater than computer screens and hand lotion.
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  10. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Thanks man! Personally, I don't think porn is good for anyone. Maybe some people can handle the likes of occasional P-sub use without any real problems, but I don't seem to be able to.

    I believe that if an addict never stops trying to give up, he will eventually succeed. It's inevitable.
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  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Maybe some people can use it in a positive way. I don't know. But I also have a hard time to believe that especially young people can belong to that group in this day and age. How can one handle a potential addictive thing that is availyble 24/7 even for young people? I really don't envy the kids. We had it tough, but for them it's a new dimension.
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  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I agree with this as well. If I gave the impression that poem can be used in a healthy way that was a mistake. How could healthy sexuality be focused on watching other people do it?
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  13. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I don't think so either. It was never good, but the way things have changed the last 20 years have made it way worse. Even in the 56k era it was nothing like today. That's why I hope that the warnings reach the masses; we're only the tiniest minority, after all.
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  14. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Absolutely. It's bad enough getting addicted to it at any age, but especially if you're under 18. I didn't experience high-speed internet P until my early twenties, and it still messed me up.

    By staying away from those sites, we can take power away from the industry.
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  15. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I've been thinking about this lately as well. If I don't visit sites and click on videos I'm no longer actively contributing to the demand for more porn.
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  16. Doper

    Doper Active Member

    I think some people must have a healthy, or at least a different relationship with porn than most of us on this site, because if they were all like us, everyone would have ED. I'm sure the lot of us here watch massively less porn, blow far less wads, and jerk off and fantasize far less than 90% of the population. But somehow lets get real here, most people do not get ED like the people here. I had ED from porn at probably 16, and I can get well cured and it will take 3 month to totally ruined erectile function from watching not a whole lot of porn. I remember Yourbrainonporn saying that everyone will get ED from it. But that cannot be the case, lots of people watch lots of porn and don't get ED, or at least not to the extent some of us do. So I think we watch it differently or something.
    And the fact we know it is so bad for us makes our relationship with it far worse. Once I knew it was giving me ED it gave me 10x more shame than before. Of course, none of this changes the fact WE have to get it out of our lives or we're fucked. I'd just like to know what is different about us.
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  17. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    I can't speak to the ED as this has not been a real issue for me but I think you are onto something with your statement above. I fellow on another site I was on had this theory that makes sense to me. Basically when watching porn for people like us the release of and effect of dopamine is very extreme. So for people that don't seem to suffer pronounced issues from watching porn it still feels good for them to watch but they don't get the intense high that we experience. A consequence of the intense high is equally great repercussions.
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  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Although most people with ED aren't exactly going to shout about it, as it's not something that people generally admit to.

    But yeah, some people are probably more prone to it than others, perhaps because of what TrueSelf said.

    Or maybe it's like cigarettes. Some people can smoke heavily all their lives and live to be 100 years old. Others die from it in their forties. Maybe some people are fairly immune to PIED. It might be harming them in other ways though.

    The truth seems to be getting out there. P sites are showing that they feel threatened by sites such as this one, because sites like this are being smeared by them on social media. In a way they're probably just harming themselves by doing that.
  19. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Something triggering happened to me as I walked around today. Or was I mistaken? It's probably best for everyone if I don't go into details about it. Don't be too intrigued, it's not very exciting. My response - just walking on - was probably the best one, even if my addict mind says I should have done this or that.

    I'm planning to have a nice, non-triggering evening now.
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  20. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member


    I didn't do a huge amount yesterday. I was tired. Unfortunately I was quite triggered as well. I resisted though.


    Another reset I'm afraid, at Day Five I guess. There was a rejection of sorts. That rejection, in fact, SHOULD help me to avoid an aspect of my addiction. I wish I could talk more clearly about things, but I've gone through a lot of crap in my life as a result of talking clearly about certain things, which has left me this way I guess. At least I can kind of talk around this stuff.

    I can take a miniscule amount of comfort, I guess, in the fact that I still haven't looked at P in a long time. The reset involved looking at a chat room (big surprise there - not) followed by P-subs.

    But Mister Occam, someone might be asking, didn't you set up some kind of blocking software?

    Why yes, Observant One, but I got around this by using a different bloody computer lol.

    Anyway, this shit ends right now. I know it's gone more difficult because I'm trying to make big changes in my life, but that's all the more reason to end all this crap. More soon.
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