Words of a Wounded Warrior

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by occams_razor, Jan 4, 2019.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I had a lot of "adventures" with such deleting of accounts and then making (many) new ones, and then making passwords I won't remember and so on.
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  2. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    (Not your average post alert)

    Why should you feel bad about yourself? No, really. What is the point?

    Assuming you haven't killed someone, or you're actively hurting someone every day, why not rebel against this self-flagellating mindset we're encouraged to have since we were little kids?

    If you are doing something bad, just stop.

    If your past is bothering you, well you can't do anything about it, bar confessing to murder or whatever, so stop beating yourself up.

    Tell that self-punishing program in your head to go fuck itself.
  3. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I won't, thanks. I was treated badly by a non-talk based "professional" (or "prick" to be more precise).

    Never again.
  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Real sorry to hear that. No matter how much I believe that CBT's can be a great tool I can imagine that having had such negative experiences makes you want to leave those alone.
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  5. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Can't like this enough! This is the absolute truth. We have to stop punishing ourselves.
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  6. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I had this thought earlier in the week about chat rooms. If all the relatively normal people stop using chat rooms, then the chat rooms would consist of obviously abnormal people with very strange, often immoral motivations for being there. Therefore, if anyone stumbled on a chat room, they'd be turned off immediately and wouldn't develop an addiction to them.

    You can say something similar for avoiding P sites. Doing that alone - avoiding them - will take money and attention away from the P industry.
    If most people stopped using P and the P sites only had really extreme, weird content then perhaps people wouldn't get addicted? Or at least, not so easily. People tend to start with basic stuff, but need more and more extreme stuff as they get more addicted, generally speaking. Or in my case, I mixed it up by using both P and chat (and chat-related things). That was my version of escalation, I guess. Although my P use did indeed veer into areas that I had no interest in before getting addicted.

    More speculative stuff ahead about the "superpowers", partly based on stuff I read years ago, which may well be untrue. If a guy avoids P, M and O, his brain will revert to a default, evolutionary state in the following way. If the guy makes eye contact with a woman, his brain will often tell him that she is attracted to him, regardless of whether she actually is into him. This mentality will help him out if he decides to pursue the woman. Better to assume the attraction is there, even if it isn't. Somehow P addiction interferes with that benefit. I've noticed that even if I'm feeling depressed or tired or unwell, this "superpower" of the mind still tells me that random girls are attracted to me.

    Okay, that's probably enough waffling for one post.
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  7. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    It turns out he was innocent! At least, he was innocent of the illegal stuff he was accused of. He did do some dodgy legal stuff, but didn't we all.

    I think it's very important to delete accounts that relate to this addiction, if possible. P-site accounts, chat accounts, anonymous email addresses and so on. Doing that kind of thing has been a bigger help than using blockers and things like that. Blockers might help some people a lot, but they tend to bring out the "inner hacker" in others, myself included.

    "Oh, the blocker is stopping me from using the site. Let's find a way around that!"

    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I agree. It seems to give a boost of commitment. I imagine kind of like when a collector type deletes or throws out his beloved P collection.
  9. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    So technically I'm on Day 13, I've just worked out. I've been ignoring the day count mostly. I say technically because I've avoided P and M, and P-subs but... you may know what's coming... I've been on the chat rooms a couple of times! Shock, horror! I don't think I did anything "bad" there, but whichever way you look at it, I shouldn't be on them.

    Maybe I'll try something different - I promise not to use chat rooms again.

    Of course that's not the whole plan. I'll do whatever else I can do to help resolve this issue.
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  10. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Bad joke time.

    What do you call a masturbating cow?

    Beef Stroganoff
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  11. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I had quite a few
    spontaneous erections
    today. They can be a little annoying, but I also appreciate them as a sign that things are fairly healthy.

    I'm going to the nearest big city tomorrow. Haven't been there in ages. I used to go there a lot. It's just for the day, I'll be back tomorrow night. Should be a nice change of scenery anyway.

    As the old song goes, accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative, latch on to the affirmative... and so on.
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  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I still love this idea of counting to 10000.
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  13. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I have also rediscovered the important message of the hack book. Basically that we are fooling ourselves to think that we just like porn. It is the relief of dopamine withdrawals that makes it so enticing.
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  14. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    i can second this. I had loads of issues with Facebook. I used it for pmo fodder forever so I am still conditioned to do that. I log on, look for stuff, deactivate, and then repeat later. It is totally stupid.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is great. Why do we do this? I don’t do it to anyone else. Just myself.
  16. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    The short trip to the big city was worthwhile.

    I haven't slipped up in any way, recovery-wise, for several days. I'm on about Day 17. No strong urges, but I do have urges to purchase things I don't really need lol. I've resisted so far. If I see a really good deal I'll probably give in. I'm probably getting a little off-topic here.

    Hopefully I'll write another update soon.

    I'd kind of forgotten about that lol. One way to avoid letting a high day-count go to your head.

    I deleted Facebook years ago. First I deactivated it, but then I kept reactivating it to see if I was missing anything. I wasn't, so I eventually deleted it properly. This was before I first properly attempted recovery. I mainly deleted it because I found it depressing, irritating and an invasion of privacy.

    Each generation gets messed up by the previous generation(s), then passes on the abuse to the next generation! lol. So we end up with severe inner critics and mood swings and so on. That's one theory anyway.
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  17. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Another reset unfortunately, at 19 days I think. A lot of that streak was high-quality, but there was occasional chat-room usage.

    So I woke up this morning and had a brief fantasy which made me very vulnerable. I got up and had breakfast etc. but I had a bit of time and ended up.. in a chat room! The past few days my libido has been very high. I was anticipating a wet dream but it didn't happen.

    Going for a walk might have helped. Perhaps just having a quick MO would have been better, although that's risky because if I started I might look for P-subs or chat or whatever.

    Chat rooms are over. Part of the reason I kept going back was because I wanted to talk to a particular user one last time, who doesn't live that far away. That user was there, but barely talked to me at all. I say "reason" but it was probably just a rationalisation. I'm sure I'll have other rationalisations to go back now. GET READY! lol

    Anyway, putting this out there to help me stay accountable and so on. Part of recovery is moving on from these setbacks quickly.
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2019
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  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Downsides of chat rooms to remember:

    • Strange sensation in my head while acting out and afterwards. A form of brain fog, perhaps, but with a strong sense that I'm damaging my brain. I guess this is because my brain has healed a lot, which is good, but my brain has also lost its tolerance, making a single reset more damaging than it would be if I was an active addict.
    • People in chat rooms are mostly P addicts, so you get exposed to that whole addict jargon you'd rather forget.
    • Some seriously dodgy people use them.
    • It's an utter waste of time and I find it hard to quit once I've logged on.
    Excessive P-sub use can bring on similar brain fog symptoms, if memory serves.

    Perhaps I'll keep thinking of reasons and posting them here.
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  19. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    Wahey! I had a big post written here as a kind of draft. It turns out there must be some kind of time limit on unposted musings. Or maybe I somehow deleted it. Anyway, it's gone, so don't make that mistake. I'll try and remember what I can and post it soon.
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2019
  20. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    So yeah what was I on about? Let's see. Things to remember about chat rooms:

    • The "sunk cost fallacy". I've already wasted loads of time on them, as well as decreasing the quality of my life as a result. It's not a case of spending a little more time in chat rooms and it'll all have been worthwhile. Nope. It was a waste.
    • If I get an urge to use a chat room, I can say, "No I don't do that crap any more. Instead I can do a hobby, read something interesting, listen to a podcast, go out and get some exercise, talk to someone, listen to music, etc. etc."
    • I'd prefer to not MO again, but if somehow it's a binary choice between MO and logging into a chat room (where I may well MO anyway), better to MO, even if I use a mild P-sub. I dunno, maybe this whole bullet point is stupid. I can always have a cold shower and then get a load of exercise or something. The point is, AVOID THOSE FRICKIN' CHAT ROOMS! lol

    I'm a bit tired at the moment and it's been a fairly busy week. I had written some more stuff but I can't really remember it right now. Perhaps tomorrow it'll come back to me. Meantime, here's a quote:

    “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.”

    Charlotte Brontë
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