Wives Freaking Out About Partners Use, A Little Unfair?

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Mik2, Dec 16, 2016.

  1. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    I've seen a lot of partners of guys who watch porn (not necessarily addicts like us) freaking out when they find out about their partners porn use.
    They see it as some sort of betrayal/lies/dishonesty and rather than offering support to their partner during recovery, they choose to distance themselves and play victim.

    The thing is most guys watching porn aren't doing it to hurt their girlfriend/wife, and they aren't really actively hiding their porn use. The only reason a lot of men don't mention their porn use in a relationship is because the associated masturbation is something most people would consider a private activity.

    It just doesn't sound quite fair to me, obviously porn and masturbation aren't the same thing, but everyone has a different set of moral beliefs and ethics. Lets say for example a guy who never watched porn or masturbated due to religious beliefs, caught his wife masturbating privately and freaked out at her calling her a dishonest lier. If he never expressly told her that her masturbation would be a deal breaker then it would be very childish/immature of him to consider it some sort of betrayal. Everyone would stand up for her in that scenario, but the same scenario with a guy watching porn and he's considered a lying scumbag.

    That's my experience anyways, and I've seen this happen a lot with partners of porn addicts. I was hoping to be able to rely on a future partner for support in ditching porn, but now I'm not so sure if there are many women out there who can look at this rationally. I certainly haven't spotted a rational partner of a porn addict so far. I've also seen this kind of freakout happen when a female partner finds a guy's fleshlight, yet I don't see guys freaking out about vibrators enmass :p

    In the past I considered putting up with this bullshit/double standard, and getting rid of my fleshlight when I have a girlfriend. I've changed my mind though, if a girl isn't of sound mind and capable of reasoning like an adult, then she can hit the bricks ;)
    I am of course taking a long break from porn until I no longer crave certain fetishes, but certainly not to please anyone else. I'm just doing that for my own peace of mind.
    Last edited: Dec 17, 2016
  2. pieterarons15

    pieterarons15 Member

    Its more you kept it secret and you are not honest about it.
  3. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    I covered why that isn't fair in my post above, have another look.
    To summarize, if a woman keeps her own masturbation habits hidden, does that make her dishonest? If her partner hasn't communicated to her that he has a problem with her masturbation habits, then I don't think she's doing anything wrong.
  4. pieterarons15

    pieterarons15 Member

    Well you know how woman are jealous they don't like it if you look at other woman.. thats why they don't like porn

    They are scared you might cheat on her. Woman are more jealous then man its because they fall in love at our confidence mental power. And they use sex to get closer to us.
  5. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    Okay, well what if the woman in my masturbation scenario is picturing lots of hot guys while getting her rocks off? Or what if she is utilizing a 13" Ultra Realistic VibraCock 3000 Tm? (No not a real thing don't look it up). Do either of those scenarios give her male partner the right to rub her nose in the carpet for doing something he doesn't like, even when he didn't make it clear to her that he finds it threatening to his ego/insecurities?

    Please don't make excuses for women just because they have twats between their legs. The point of this thread is to question why it is okay for a woman to "hide" her masturbation habits and/or sex toys (she isn't doing it purposefully, masturbation is just a private activity), but it isn't okay for a man to do the same with porn, or sex toys.

    I'm not saying that porn, masturbation, and sex toys are all the same thing, I am saying that a person needs to make their boundaries clear at the beginning of the relationship. If one of the partners has a problem with the other watching porn, or masturbating, or going to town on the Vibracock 3000, they need to make that clear. If they don't make it clear, and they later find out that their partner is doing something they find morally wrong, they don't have the right to play victim and pretend their partner has somehow deceived them.

    I see this all too often and I've had a few conversations with female partners of porn addicts. The overwhelming majority had no idea their partner was watching porn, and they never dreamed that he would. Or they knew he was watching porn and they only felt betrayed when porn took the place of their dwindling sex life.
    When I try to point out to them that they didn't encourage open and honest communication about sex and porn early on in their relationships, these women tend to shift the goal posts and say that all porn is abusive and is inherent "objectification", again whatever they can do to play victim. So few even admit that they have any responsibility for the quality of their relationship at all. I've met one who somewhat owns up to her 50% relationship responsibility, and I've talked to 10-15 different partners of self labeled porn addicts.

    Well, it's time we stopped excusing dishonest female behavior, I'm calling it out for what it is. Pussypass revoked ;)
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2016
  6. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    Women associate sex with emotion (e.g. love)
    Emotion is mostly monogamous (princess meets prince fairy tale)
    They apply the same beliefs to men, thinking if they jack off to porn girls, they are infatuated with them and want to date them, marry them, whatever.

    That means it's a threat, hence jealousy.
    Simply put, they fail to understand male polyamory.
    Most girls I talked to about this, can't even get their heads around the fact guys want to smash (almost) every girl they see.
    It always ends up with "no it can't be, it's just YOU being dirty horny guy!", so I shut up about this, lesson learned.
    And the next lesson I learned is to keep porn to yourself, see how that saves all this stupid headache? :)
  7. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    More excuses for insecure women? Dishonesty is your solution? If the class of woman I'm interested in doesn't exist I'm not settling for some bitch fed with lies, at least escorts are an honest agreement.

    I already know that honesty is possible though. My dad watches porn and doesn't keep it hidden, If you can't be yourself in a relationship then why bother?
  8. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    Hmm It's not dishonesty, you'll need to get into a relationship to really understand the mind fuck.

    Long story short, all my gfs knew, and even watched porn me.
    But I eventually realized it makes them feel like shit (due to biological mechanisms beyond our control)
    So I keep it to myself, life's much better, and ye they know I watch it but don't need the details.
    On the other side of the coin is female obsession with kids and babies, they keep it to themselves, problem solved.

    It's a good question, think about it, life's a game.
    I don't constantly fart when I'm hanging with mates, does that mean I'm not being myself?
    I guess it's just common courtesy, nothing more.
    niskanen91 likes this.
  9. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    No, you need to start making clearer statements my friend. You initially stated that it is better to keep your use of porn hidden from partners.
    I stated that it is better to be honest with them and disclose use of porn. Now you are saying that we should just keep the fine details hidden.

    I disagree that use of porn should be hidden in a relationship, if only to avoid the future drama when she finds out.
    That doesn't mean we need to divulge every detail of the type of porn we enjoy, I certainly wouldn't want the specifics of the guys my partner fantasizes about.

    If your idea of "they know I watch it" is based on the idea that everyone knows all men watch porn, that might not be true. If everyone knew men watch porn there may not be so many wives playing the shocked victim when they find out. The only way to be sure a partner knows you are watching porn is to tell them.

    Besides, even if you keep porn use hidden and she suspects you watch porn, she'll use it as a weapon when things go wrong in the future (like when you grow sexually disinterested in her after the honeymoon period and she starts blaming porn). Don't hand over weapons to the opposite sex in a relationship, women have enough of them as it is :p
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2016
  10. spoofy

    spoofy Active Member

    Ahhh ye man, I was talking about them actually seeing your porn, or worse fapping to it, hahaha.
    Ya if a girl can't handle the fact (not details) you watch porn, dump that bitch.
    But fret not, girls nowadays are way cooler and even enjoy their fair share of dirty stuff.

    Yap and now you know, wow definitely don't do that bro /thread.
  11. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    I think the double standard comes into play when we compare men's porn use to a females erotic novel addiction. Are they not the same thing? The girl might feel betrayed that the guy got off to another woman but when those same girls read erotic novella where the guy is fucking the shit out of the girl and she is masturbating to that, isn't that the same thing? Why is she masturbating, getting hot and heavy thinking about some other guy? Even if the guy is fictional, In both cases it's spinning the fantasy wheels getting off to some other person.

    Honestly, I think we can yell foul and argue till the cows come home about defining gender roles and what not, the truth is we may end up with the ideal partner if we are actively looking. Maybe as a male we won't understand the inner mind of the female and as a female the inner workings of a male, until we come together. My advice to myself and you is to forget about all this shit and start pursuing women. I found attending a salsa class can really help. You are literally dancing with like 20 girls in an hour and expected to lead as a male and expected to talk to them and get comfortable with their bodies. It's truly amazing. What I found was that there was like no sexual tension at all between me and the girls. There was attraction but it ends there as far as dancing is concerned. If you truly like someone, there usually si a bar where you can find the girl to talk to later. I am going to my second class on wednesday.
  12. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    I've seen this argument play out before between men and women, and I've learned not to imply that porn and romance novels are the same thing, because then the conversation just goes off the rails into a debate about the differences between porn and romance novels.
    The differences are fairly obvious, porn is often (aside from 3d rendered/animated) real people having sex, whereas romance novels are entirely fantasy. The guys who go into the debate equating the 2 as well as equating porn with masturbation are usually ill prepared for the battle.

    The important thing is that porn is to men what romance novels are to women. They are different, just as men and women are different, but they are equatable in the sense that they can both enhance masturbation for each gender. Neither can be proven morally wrong, though porn can often be proven ethically wrong when performer rights are not respected, that's why it's important to specify that not all porn is created equally.

    I'm glad you have found an enjoyable activity to interact with women, I have always thought that clubs and activities are the best way to meet people. Internet dating and going to the bar will only get you in touch with a certain type of people.
  13. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    How have you seen it play out? Have you yourself ever been in that argument face to face?

    I disagree, porn is also purely fantasy. Look under the hood of a normal PMO process. It's all fantasy. Watch porn as you would watch a sitcom or something not expecting to get aroused, it will not be enjoyable. Now, watch porn and think how awesome it would be to receive that bj from that girl or to fuck her, etc. Then, you will get aroused at beat off. So, the element that translates porn watching into action is fantasy. Guys should also raise an eyebrow when girls can get off to fantasy of a fictional character because what if someone talks like that fictional character in real life and gets her aroused? Will she cheat on him with that guy? The propensity for that to happen is more likely than a girl who doesn't fantasize to sex erotica.

    there is a psychology today article (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/good-thinking/201502/what-50-shades-grey-tells-us-about-women) which explains that 50 shades of grey attracts women to controlling men. So, yes, romance novels can be ethically and morally wrong. Most romance novels are written by fat chicks who have these fantasies of men dominating the shit out of them. That ideology is read by non-fat girls who fall in love with those controlling dominating characters. In case your curious, there is a huge difference in male taste between a fat, ugly girl and a non fat ugly girl stemming from their psychology. I hate to be so frank but that is what I have gathered from personal experience. Notice how it's the former that has one night stands and reckless sexual experiences but the later does not go down that slutty road.

    Those certain type of people exist in clubs also it's who you choose to interact with that matters. My point was that unlike bars, clubs etc where you have to convince and sometimes force yourself to talk to girls, at salsa clubs it's mandated that you do. So, there isn't much in the way of paralyzing anxiety. After a few dances, I realized how comfortable I was with girls and my role as the one to lead.

    I have read a lot of romance novels and will likely read more. I admit it may not have the same trigger as porn does but maybe that's due to biological difference or because I have wired my sexuality to porn. I read those books because I like the stories and nor because I want to fuck the main characters. So, my argument is directed at those women that let these novels make changes to their sexual core.
  14. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    1) No I haven't had the conversation face to face, I've read quite a few articles related to men watching porn and how women feel about it. One article in particular features a very heated debate in the comment section: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/understanding-men/should-i-be-concerned-if-my-guy-is-into-porn/

    2) That's not what I meant. Porn is produced with human beings (unless its rendered/animated), sure the "perfect sex" we see is the fantasy element but there is still a couple of real humans on set engaging in sexual activity with one another. This is why the debate usually takes a turn toward the morality and ethics of porn. Some men don't qualify their porn use with "I only watch ethically produced porn" and many are ignorant to the abuses that occur in many parts of the porn industry. The men who are ignorant usually end up debating the ethics and morality of the porn they watch when an "educated" feminist derails the argument in that direction. That's why these men are ill equipped to engage in a debate.

    3) A woman can seek to be controlled during sexual activity while still controlling other areas of her life, there is nothing wrong with either sex seeking out a dominant sexual partner, and women have historically had many biologically driven reasons to do so. If the man can't take control, how is he going to protect her when she is disabled for 9 months?

    4) I'm glad you have found an activity that works for you, but dancing isn't for everyone. Personally I don't see the point, and I would have a lot of difficulty coming out of my shell in that situation. Luckily there are as many different kinds of clubs/activities as there are different kinds of people, and many of them encourage building relationships.

    5) I'm a secret fan of Literotica :)
  15. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    as for 1.) and 2.) it's mere speculation. Since, conversations at face value is more real and much more different than the internet version. Plus that website attracts a certain demographic anyways.
    3.) i'm telling you fat ugly chicks want that "alpha bull" hot chicks do not. They care mainly 1.) looks 2.) personality(humor) 3.) athleticism. personal experience. And, yes erotic novels can take a turn for the worst, no doubt. Normal men would not respond too kindly to their significant other getting off on fantasies of being handcuffed and fucked by some fictional character. That's a red light.

    All in all, it's not a black and white scenario. Just cause some men are ill equipped to handle a discussion on this subject doesn't mean it shouldn't be done. There needs to be a discussion with a future gf regarding setting boundaries that are uncomfortable to the other. "I will stop watching porn if you can stop reading those erotic novels that focus mainly on a kind of sex that I am uncomfortable with."

    4.) never know unless you try. For sure, maybe I will try out other clubs and social gatherings. So far dance clubs have been Amazing.
    5.) I am scared to ask for recommendations.
  16. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    1) Well you could read the comment section and decide for yourself what demographic it attracts, seems pretty diverse to me, would it be more diverse by conversing with some random person on the street???

    2) I have no idea what you are referring to, I wouldn't say ignorance to the abuses that sometimes occur in the porn industry is "mere speculation".

    3) Alright Mr. dictator of what is and isn't normal, you'll have a fight on your hands because Underdog wants that title as well...

    I don't mind if my future gf reads romance novels and mindfucks Brad Pitt, so my conversation will probably go slightly differently to yours.

    5) You should be :D
  17. hope2overcome

    hope2overcome No Love, No Sex

    1.) A more honest conversation is more likely face to face even if it is a stranger in the street. In fact, I have been quite chatty lately and had amazing conversations. A controversial topic such as this cannot be adequately understood from reading internet perspective.
    2.) I meant that because it is full of assumptions. I like to think a lot of men and women are more educated than we think. In fact, it is us the bottom of the barrel who suffer this addiction.
    3.) From personal experience. Ever since I was a kid, it always baffled me that the ugly girl would dislike me but her hot friend would swoon over me. I have encountered like 20 such situations from grade school to college to now. Last week when I was at salsa, the hot chicks really listened to me when I spoke and we had a great conversation and felt the mutual attraction. As a matter of fact, I was infatuated with one of the girls, I couldn't stop thinking about her for like 3 days straight. The fat ugly chicks couldn't wait to stop dancing with me,kept looking away from me, felt like I was some burden on them. It's probably a problem in their psychology.
    6.) what are you up to these days? You stopped journaling.
  18. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    6) Not much, just spreading the word of god...

  19. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    No need to journal, no longer addicted to porn, though perhaps slightly addicted to classic dos games...Elder Scrolls Arena, that game just goes on and on and on...
  20. Mik2

    Mik2 Aka NwaltRed

    I've also noticed another trend. Wife finds out about porn and flips out, husband suggests he might spend more time with her if she hadn't let herself go...honest communication ends because a lot of women don't really seem to want honesty regarding body weight.

    So the guy needs to change his ways to be a better husband but god forbid the wife put in any effort or take any responsibility in the relationship.
    I wouldn't harp on about this stuff if it was just a few isolated cases, but this actually seems to be the mindset of ~90% of women in a relationship.

    Oh well, shouldn't be too hard to identify the other decent 10%, just ask them if they are okay with porn and ask them what they do to keep in shape (yes round is technically a shape :rolleyes:). That will get the potential drama right out of the way early on :D

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