Withdrawals are crippling me in every aspect. Right now as I write this I have tears in my eyes.

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by auzzie_mikey, Mar 28, 2019.

  1. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    Day 60 for me and honestly this pain is the worst feeling I wouldn't want anyone to ever go through. I sit in the train and people can sense how weak I am and they stare at me. At work, I turned up late cause I didn't want to wake up this morning. I don't feel enjoyment in anything I do. Even sitting at the table with my parents having food I feel like a piece of shit, so anxious. My health is deteriorating and I am losing weight. Sometimes I honestly wish to just end my life and get out of this pain. It hurts so much and it's so painful....

    it's beyond imaginable. I just want to sit down and lay down all day and not do anything. just escape the pain.... even when I sleep I can't sleep properly cause mind is that fucked up right now. ....

    I honestly don't want any sex with girls, no arousal nothing.. I just want my peace of mind back where I can enjoy things....

    I honestly can't take this pain anymore.... It kills me and I suffer and continue to struggle with it.. 60 days in a row of suffering these withdrawals....

    I feel like a piece of shit and just want this misery to end....
     
  2. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Move to a buddhist monarchy for few years mike. Living without internet and under strict spiritual rules should help you so, so much!
     
  3. BuddhaPunkRobotMonk

    BuddhaPunkRobotMonk Administrator Staff Member

    Sorry you are struggling so much Mikey. Be strong. If these are withdrawal symptoms, and not something else, they are just temporary. Get through them and you have the chance to be free of them for the rest of your life.
     
  4. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Hi Mike. Congratulations, you are doing it. Every addict wants to quit "easy". That is not possible. It would not be called an addiction if quitting it were not hellish. There is only the very difficult way. Get to 90. There is a place out ahead of you when they start to fade. Eventually, it just becomes easy, but not before it hurts very, very much. Keep going. I have absolute faith you can do it.
     
  5. NeverFapDeluxe

    NeverFapDeluxe Banned for Spam

    It sounds like you might be going about your recovery the wrong way.

    In my experience over the past 5 years, overcoming porn addiction should actually be an easy process, and if it's not an easy process, then it's going to be very difficult to maintain in the long-run.

    It sounds like you're having difficulty with your ability to regulate your emotions and maintain your mental health, which I believe is actually a separate issue from your porn addiction. There are many people who feel the same way as you do, and aren't addicted to porn.

    In particular, it looks like you have issues dealing with self-judgement. Do you practice any healthy coping mechanisms to help you get through your day?
     
    Perigee likes this.
  6. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    Jack, I wish I could, but I'm doing full-time work and studies at the moment. It's so hard to go to a retreat. I myself get surprised how with these horrible withdrawals I still manage to balance and do everything. I just don't want any arousal or anything.
     
  7. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    Yeah I am pretty sure they are withdrawals. But the worst withdrawal symptoms I have faced. This has just been the worst period of my life. I just want to do anything but not suffer these withdrawals again. Next 2 years, I'm convincing myself not to get any sexual arousal AT ALL. I just never want to experience these withdrawals ever again. It's the worst feeling I have endured.
     
  8. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    That's true William. But these are just too painful. It hurts beyond just being painful. It tears my entire soul and entire ability to live and survive. I feel so crippled just going out to public places with this anxiety. Yeah man I just want these to end quickly. On day 60. I'm just fingers crossed that they get better by close to day 90. Last year, my withdrawals started to get better by Day 80. I just will do anything but just want to never EVER EVER experience anything like this again. It has gotten to me so bad this time.
     
  9. Perigee

    Perigee Member

    I completely agree. People blow the porn addiction withdrawals completely out of proportion. People have underlying trauma and emotional problems that they all blame on porn. At the end of the day it's much harder to sort yourself out mentally than it is to kick a porn addiction.

    More often than not, people were using porn to numb/distract themselves and were convinced it was actually relieving stress/anxiety (which it doesn't). Then when they quit they pedestalize porn and constantly feel like they're giving up a crutch, not realizing that they're actually escaping from a poison.

    The main withdrawals from porn addiction are a feeling of an emptiness - like there's an itch you can't scratch. It's a craving for dopamine that is being ignored. Many people quit porn and simply think that by asserting willpower, the cravings will magically disappear. The cravings are due to a state of mind - the negative emotions and thoughts keep building and instead of addressing them you think they're caused by "resisting" your dirty little crutch.

    Mindfulness meditation is key to overcoming cravings. Once you let them go your mind will stop thinking of porn as a crutch and solution to all the negative feelings you're experiencing. It's the illusion of porn as a pleasurable crutch that CAUSES the cravings in the first place.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
  10. Perigee

    Perigee Member

    I'm sorry but I don't believe this at all and I think it's harmful to insist that quitting an addiction has to be hard. It doesn't need to be hard (and this is coming from someone who has experimented with a fair bit of drugs including kratom and cocaine)

    The difficulty in getting rid of addiction isn't the drug/behavior itself, it's fixing the problems in your life that led to you becoming addicted in the first place. Why would anything change on day 90? You have to quit porn for life or else you'll never recover. You might make it 90 days, or 1000 days, but all if you subsisted on willpower the entire time, all it takes is one relapse to completely fall back into the trap again.

    It's not the porn addiction itself that's hard to deal with, it's the mental reprogramming that you must undergo in order to understand the cause of cravings. You have to undo the self-imposed brainwashing that porn addiction has done to your mind - the sneaky rationalizations, the belief that it to relieves stress, the desire to distract yourself from emotional pain, the idea that porn is a pleasurable crutch that you are giving up - all this does is make you frame porn as something you're "denying" through willpower. This in turn leads to desiring to not desire, ironically strengthening porn's power over you. It becomes the forbidden "fix" to your problems.

    If you have problems like the OP is describing (and by no means am I downplaying them, I believe his experiences are 100% real), they are not caused by porn withdrawal, they're caused by deep emotional pain that is now surfacing because you are have convinced yourself that you are broken and weak and that your pains are worsened by constantly denying yourself access your little dirty "crutch" that you think would make everything better (which it wont of course).

    OP it sounds like you need therapy. Your problem isn't porn addiction it's some kind of emotional problems that probably have deep rooted causes.
     
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2019
  11. auzzie_mikey

    auzzie_mikey Active Member

    Hey, I know exactly what you are saying. Last year as well I suffered withdrawals from Feb 2018 to May 2018 and when I went completely hard ode no PMO, no M, no sex, my withdrawals disappeared and I recovered completely 100%. I had superpowers again of high motivation and depression completely disappeared.

    What I'm saying is normally I am a very happy person who enjoys life and I don't have any underlying emotions of stress, depression etc.

    Initially when I started on this no Pmo journey I had horrible withdrawals from Feb 2014 to July 2015 and then things got better in July 2015... I honestly believe it's due to PMO. In the months of Nov Dec 2018 and Jan 2019 I was also having alot of sex with girls, which I'm possibly thinking is another reason for these withdrawals... Im not sure..

    My plan now is just to stay clean completely for 2 years away from PMO, SEX, M, stay away from all arousals and just let my brain recover and reboot properly.
     
  12. jack91

    jack91 Find your way throuh Staff Member

    Hello,

    Yeah i too have suffered with these withdrawals mike. Hard to say can these even be "withdrawals" because they are so unique and withdrawals in scientific way have been labeled mellow/fast process in general. In benzo recovery support forums though people often speak how hard it is and how long it can take. The sheer volume of pain they endure is twisting. I dont know, to me it just means this has to be hard. Millions suffer from this man and truth is people has to go through a lot and when people realise this we have already found a way out. We will cheer them on. These superpowers you speak if you ever get them use them to help people out of this mess you are now in. Because as i said millions of people watch porn thus are addicted to it and go through similar phase if they ever quit. As you have thought this is most difficult phase in your life but it is most important too.

    Go on.
    Good luck!
     
  13. WilliamOneAndDone

    WilliamOneAndDone Active Member

    Wrong. Porn addiction is not about underlying problems, or underlying problems being the cause of the addiction. True, a porn addict may have an underlying problem, and may be self medicating by porn to ignore it or avoid dealing with it, but porn addiction requires no underlying cause or emotional problems that have a deep rooted cause. If anyone reading this wants the cleanest, most efficient, reboot, simply understand that porn addiction is about using porn, as a trigger, to trigger a neurological response that we interpret as pleasure or as a good feeling. The neurological response is a dopamine release, aka dopamine high, aka dopamine rush. It must be understood that is the ONLY reason we use porn and become addicted to using it. Very important to understand we use porn; it is literally a tool we use to get that high. the term "porn addiction" is actually misleading; it would be more correct to say "artificially produced dopamine addiction," but that is a lot less sexy. You may have underlying issues, but you like the high for no other reason than you like the high. Liking the high is THE reason we use porn. If it gave us no feeling, or a bad feeling, we would not use it.

    You can go a few ways in overcoming the addiction, but understanding that it is not caused by underlying deep rooted problems is the most efficient way. If one has underlying, deep rooted, emotional trauma, going back to your childhood, mommy/daddy next door neighbor issues, well, those issues are epic, meaning they require an epic solution. If you, on the other hand, just conceive as porn as a button you are pushing because you like the high it brings you, the problem is much simpler: figuring out how to quit pushing the button, figuring out how to live without the high. If you take this small problem and wrap it up with memories from preschool, it is an epic problem--you may have those issues, but the solution to porn addiction does not require you to fix them, because they were not caused by porn addiction, and porn addiction is not a symptom of them. Porn addiction is a very small problem; we invented a button to push to get high, the question is how do we quit pushing it? Still will be incredibly difficult and painful. Anyone tells you quitting an addiction is not painful, has not experienced addiction. If it were not painful to quit, we would not define it as an addiction. Quitting addictions necessarily manifest in withdrawals. Withdrawals hurt, emotionally, physically. That pain is OK as long as you know about it going in, and anticipate it will happen, but, also, know it eventually fades and goes away. We use "the hard 90" because at that point a lot of us have quit asking ourselves if we can quit, and start being absolutely certain we can. That concept, "the hard 90", was not around so much when I began quitting, and I just quit and kept counting until I had gone one year porn free, no porn, no PMO, no MO. (And, before anyone asks, yes, I was having sex and Oing in that time frame--I never had PIED).
    That is my 2 cents on the topic. That and $1.23 will get me a vanilla orange coke down the hall--talk about addictive.

    Much love.

    Will I AM.
     
    Big Lebowski likes this.
  14. Big Lebowski

    Big Lebowski Member

    So true.
     
  15. lookingahead

    lookingahead To restore my inmost being. Staff Member

    Mikey, I’m not as familiar with your backstory as I should be, maybe you could fill me in. But, have you considered that your struggles with anxiety, depression, may not be entirely related to (or caused by) porn/withdrawal? Eg, could there be a genetic component, or broader existential crisis you’re going through?
     
  16. Doper

    Doper New Member

    My experience from 6 years of rebooting (jesus...) and back and forth between good dick function and PIED, I can say the only times I made big progress and healed were the times I pushed through the terrible feelings without relapsing. I do not believe how many days you go is anywhere as important as is when you are jonesing for a hit real bad, you don't take it. Makes sense to me that if you are feeling really bad for a week and you still don't relapse, your receptors will upregulate faster than if you can just breeze through 3 weeks, then immediately when you start fiending for porn you start binging again. Your neurotransmitter system doesn't have a reason to get better if you don't feel bad...In my completely unscientific opinion, of course.
     

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