With some hope of this being able to help me..

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Lejon, Sep 11, 2012.

  1. Lejon

    Lejon New Member

    Hello all, stumbled upon Gary Wilsons TEDx video and got me a real wake up call..
    Found http://yourbrainonporn.com, read a few journals and now i'm here.

    First of, I want to apologize in advance if my English is a bit off, not a native English speaker.. Having that said I'll try to avoid wall of text, not only for your sake, but for mine as well.

    Today I'm 23 years old. The first time I saw porn I must have been about 8 or 9 years old.
    At the same time probably started MO on a regular basis, which would be daily.
    At about 14 i got my own computer and PMO became the regular thing, as much as 1 or 2 times a day. 1 or 2 times of MO a day on top of that.

    I was lucky enough to get my first real girlfriend at 16, the first girl I kissed and the first girl I had sex with. Even luckier, many more after her. I never been single more than 2 months at a time up until i was 20.
    During my relationships I definitely cut down on PMO and MO, but never stopped, and always picked up the pace when I was single.
    The common denominator in all relationships but the first is that I broke them up because I was bored, the sex wasn't any fun anymore. This is something I only later realized, after being single for 3 years. 3 years I've spent watching a lot of porn.

    I never had a problem with ED, unless I've been proper drunk. My porn preferences has gone a bit more extreme, but that of most importance has always been variation. Looking for only one thing for a couple of weeks, until it's hard to find any more good stuff.

    I am very anxious, I don't have the energy to do anything, I never finish what i start.
    This is the part that has really struck me reading other peoples stories.

    That is why as of today I will completely stop with everything.

    My thoughts right now is maybe I'm not an addict. Maybe this will be easy, this wont even help me in the slightest.
    I hope this will be difficult as hell. Then there is hope that it actually will help.

    On the other hand, it's only been 13 hours.
  2. Dangerous Dave

    Dangerous Dave I don't need a weapon; I am a weapon.

    Welcome and good luck. From what I have learned so far, no reboot is exactly the same, as no 2 people are the same. You may encounter your own set of unique challenges as you recuperate. Or perhaps, it won't be difficult. Don't give up if you do relapse. And try not to be too hard on yourself if you encounter any difficulties staying clean. I wish you well on your recovery.
  3. Lejon

    Lejon New Member

    Thanks Dave, I appreciate it.

    Well, 2 day update, things are going quite well, sure I felt like doing a session but it's nothing I can't ignore. Feel like I have a bit more energy, but that might be just because I've been trying to be a bit more active and getting things done around the house. I also spent quite a bit of time with an old friend I haven't really seen in a long time. So it's been a good couple of days.

    I also thought I do a bit of a experiment;
    I did a few IQ-tests, coming up with a similar result on all of them. Tried the most serious ones I could find, not the "buy-a-paper-with-an-insane-number" kinda thing. Sure, not at all scientific, but I thought I do the "real" thing later on, see if I might even be able to score higher on that one.

    Edit: and if someone wonders why, I've read somewhere that depression generally makes you score lower on iq-test. Can't find a relevant source right now though.. But I've been feeling quite depressed for some time now.
  4. Lejon

    Lejon New Member

    Well, it's been a shitty week so far.

    Broke it off with a girl I've been dating 2 days ago, with it went most of my plans and goals for the upcoming months. So I thought t fuck it. Result PMO yesterday. Not to proud of it, but at least it was only one time.

    So back to day one today.

    On a more positive note, I have been feeling a lot better the past week, and it doesn't feel like yesterdays slip up changed that to much.

    I know there will be more emotional backlashes the upcoming months, I just have to remember that, so far, that's the one thing that will cause me to relapse.
  5. Lejon

    Lejon New Member

    The shitty week goes on, one more PMO yesterday.

    Thinking I would be able to do this on pure willpower was an obvious mistake. K9 filters now istalled, and I have no idea of the password. It's hidden somewhere in a deep folder on a computer never used for porn so it'll be a serious pain to find.

    So another day one today, still feels like I've done some progress.

    Next time I feel I have something to write, I hope it's about some real progress.

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