If there's anger in you, let it out. FUCKING SHOUT if you have to. Smash things up. Especially hard drives with porn on them. Go insane and lose it for 5 minutes. Just do it in a private place where you can't be heard or seen. It WILL help. And if you don't let it out in this safe way, chances are it will come back and be used to hurt you or the people you love. Ever been angry with someone you care about, way over and above a normal angry reaction? I know I have. Plus, I think stopping masturbating brings out the aggression in us. We've all suppressed that over the years. Having aggression in our bodies is a strange sensation so we've got to handle it properly and give it a healthy outlet.
I think Daniel is so right about feeling our aggression. I remember when I first stopped PMO and how I felt waves of energy start to role through me. It actually scared me a little. So I reminded myself, this is what it "feels like" to be a man...get used to it. Now it feels really good to have that edge of aggression. Women seem to really like it to. At first the aggression was more of a spike and it felt like irritation, but as I accepted the energy and breathed it in, it has leveled out and just feels masculine. As for the healthy outlet that Daniel describes, I think that outlet is the world and our mission and purpose in this world. It takes balls to go after something you really want to achieve and I think we as men are more motivated in our lives by having a "mission" than anything else. That aggressive energy is what it takes to push on to the next level to achieve our mission. PMO drains that energy from us and leaves us with a weakened ambition that wants nothing more than mediocrity or "just get by". This is the area of new challenge for me right now. I have lived a mediocre life, I have had ambitions but no energy to fight for them, and only a month ago I had all but given up on ever achieving anything in my life. What a different world it is today. John.
Day 23/99 Dan and John thanks for support regarding my tirade against porno industry. I've all along tried to avoid a "tell all" or "true confession" type of journal. There's nothing wrong with it. Others find it cathartic and it can certainly be entertaining. Heaven knows, I could confess a lot of interesting stories here. I did realize that a lot of stuff I did on the PMO trail was solitary. That made it easy to excuse and justify because it was "victimless". After watching the documentary on the porn industry, I've decided that my PMO was not victimless. Besides hurting myself and those around me by lieing, I truly hurt others. All those "actresses" were people and someone's child. I made their perversions possible and acceptable. If it were possible I would like to apologise to them and their families. I did real harm. For now though, I need to concentrate on my reboot.
Totally agree, great post. I think i need to start channeling and cotrolling some of my aggression towards masculinity. Thankyou for the advice.
Hey GT, Man, this is so true. I think we forget that those are real people with lots of tragedy that work in the porn industry. It shames me to think how I derived so much selfish pleasure from it all for so long.
Regarding the porn industry, it's also hard for me to believe I jerked off to porn stars, which are none other than people who live very miserable lives. I've read stories from former porn stars saying they experienced such tragedies, look at Shelley Lubben! If I was a porn actor, I wouldn't be a very happy person at all. And masturbating to naked/pornographic drawings of cartoon characters or whatever, isn't exactly a healthy thing to do, either. Sex dolls and sex robots are also a poor substitute for the real thing, any artificial sexual stimuli would make you feel miserable. Think about it, pixels, sex dolls and sex robots are NOT, and will NEVER, be real.
Day 24/100 That's right I've been on this road for 100 days with one full relapse. It feels great and I'm not giving up. I started reading the Deida book that John recommends. It is worth reading. It's fun when you tap your male energy watching women squirm and blush and play with their hair, etc. Don't get me wrong. I'm definitely not a pickup artist. My goal is not to mount and impregnate as many women as possible even though it was our primordial ancestors' goal. I do desire a quality, intimate and sexual relationship with one woman. But that male energy, when it does arrive, is useful in many if not all endeavors. I'm just sick of acting like a pussy in all the areas of my life. I've got real masculine energy so why not tap it for the good. I had a perverse way of thinking that by PMOing I was keeping myself virile. As if filling buckets of cum over 35 years was going to make me more desirable and ultimately more happy. What a pathetic loser I was. I probably could have drowned in the barrel of cum spewed wanking to porn. No more! Any cum is going in the right place which is a ready willing and able woman.
Day 0/103 I got lax and had a full blown relapse today. I feel awful and stupid. I really let it all go. No excuses. The only thing left is to start again. Girlfriend broke up with me. I am in despair again.
+1. Sorry to hear about your gf and relapse. You have the right attitude. Really the only thing left to do is reboot over. Good luck man.
Hi gettingthere, Be careful of the chaser effect - sudden bingeing on PMO after a lapse. Also, don't be too hard on yourself - you have lapsed but now get up and get back on track. I think that there is a tendency for us when we hit a low to say 'F$$k it...I've already screwed up, so I might as well really screw up...' Be careful that you don't use this rather tricky rationalisation to binge on PMO. Counting days is useful, but it's the changes that happen in our brain that count. There will have been some changes in your brain during the reboot, so it's not as though everything has been reset to zero. Keep going again man!
If you don't mind talking about it, was the breakup due to PMO addiction, or something unrelated? Totally understand if you don't want to say. Just remember, you can reboot with or without a girlfriend. Reboot is about accepting yourself and working on your own personal development. I know it is painful, but you can use this time to reflect on why things didn't work out and what changes you would like to make. Of course, you are still going to feel shitty for a bit. Hope you get past this in good time man.
That sucks dude, I feel for you. I just want to emphasize two points made by RedPill and Trev. That counting days is basically just a motivation tool, but it's not the same as the true progress our brain has made. Sometimes there is a little setback, especially if you binge, but you won't be back to zero. Let this be a motivation and also a reason not to relapse completely by binging, because not all your process has been lost! Also, though it may sound harsh at this moment. Rebooting is about bettering your own life and happiness. You have to do it for you. Stay strong dude!
Day 1/104 Thanks a lot you guys for the kind support. Believe me I need it. I am feeling a chaser effect but haven't succumbed. The break up with my gf had a few dimensions--distance, distractions and my lack of patience/surliness. I suppose the last is indirectly related to PMO. My biggest problem is fear. Plain and simple, I am afraid I won't survive without O. I think I've been able to accomplish what I have because I've known I'd have sex within a week or two. Without that I'm very afraid I won't be able to reboot at all and I'll continue to relapse. I have no confidence in myself. The only thing I know is that I can't live my life in a PMO stupor. I was a cripple yesterday.
Don't be afraid, you will be able to overcome this. I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, but you'll get over it, and next time it'll be easier! I don't think you should forsake orgasms though. Maybe for the time being, but when you're stronger, you definitely should do it. There are nice toys that have been created for masturbatory purposes. I bought one - it's quite nice and not too expensive - anyhow, I believe it's not so terrible to masturbate with one of these once you're stronger. You'll just have to focus on the sensation, not focus on porn and you'll be fine. It will help you remove the edge a little. You'll get there, we're all in the same boat. Keep up the good work!
gettingthere, my friend. I am sorry to hear about your relapse and the breakup. Before reading the previous posts above, I was thinking of what to say to you in offer of support. I came up with the same thing that the previous gentleman have stated: 1) YOUR BRAIN HAS CHANGED. Replapsing isn't a reset back to zero. NOW, more than ever, you must be super vigilant and log instead of PMO'ing in order to stir away from the Chaser Effect. I, myself, had real sex, with a real woman the other day, and experienced somewhat of a chaser effect yesterday. Logging and reading the journals helped me pull my shorts back up, get shut the voices of the PMO demons out of my head. 2) YOU DON'T NEED A GIRLFRIEND TO DEFEAT PMO I'm the example up until this point - a single man on his own battling PMO. As stated above, no PMO and rebooting is FOR YOU, regardless of your age, social status or relationship status - gay or straight, big or small, short or tall. We as men need to get over a problem that has been haunting a lot of us for decades in order for us to be better men FOR US. Until we have improved ourselves for the sake of improving ourselves for us, we can't improve for other people nor rely on others as a crutch or outlet to deal with our instant sexual gratification. At the end of this, my friend, you will be be a better man, and there will be more women coming into your life, guaranteed. Reclaim the primitive hunter-gatherer man inside of you that sought to look for women, engage women, form relationships with women and please women and himself, fully. Do it in honour of your father and your father's father, for they were real men who engaged woman without the use of internet and pornography and masturbation as a means of reward and life's quality. To be quite frank, you, gettingthere, and your journal has been a beacon of light inspiring me to get to my 60th day, tomorrow. I know you are strong and I know you will get back on this horse stronger than ever. DO keep logging and become more self-aware. I'll do the same in your honour, brother. You have been my idle and I know you're defeat this.
Thanks for the support Antin and Ryan. I'm staying close to this journal today because I'm vulnerable as hell with a big chaser effect on me. Ryan, you're a big man brother. If ever a response hit home it was yours man. Clunk! Clunk! right on my thick head. There is no doubt about it. I need to improve for ME. I need to improve myself and I don't need a girlfriend to do it. I also appreciate the vote of confidence Ryan. I'm not the type for tattoos but I'll try to emblazon your response on my heart. Like I said, I'm sticking close to this site today because I'm nervous. So indulge me while I put a bunch of words on here. I dislike reading super long entries so I probably shouldn't do it to others. Sorry guys. Hiya Red, I guess you had a frustrating weekend brother. I can relate to that big time. But we're not pussys anymore. Now is the time to change. I think part of rebooting is changing how we view ourselves. After I relapsed yesterday I wanted to say fuck it, crawl into a hole and suck on my thumb. A better voice said you need to fulfill a responsibility I had and go do something with live humans. That done, I went home, had a tuna sandwich and got to bed at my usual time. I had felt unable to pray which I always find after PMO. I lose my connection spiritually. That is one of the saddest parts of PMO for me. Anyway, as I usually try to "chat" with Gd, I couldn't find words. So I just said in my head, "good evening". To my surprise I got a response: "Try again!" So I said in my mind again, "good evening"...."Try again!" We kept this dialogue up for quite a while because I still found it impossible to pray. Finally, something happened. I looked out the window and lo and behold, it really was a "good evening". It was beautiful, clear, green, birds singing, a gentle peacefullness. So, of course I got the idea that the "good" part really depends on us. As I write this it sounds really trite. Even though I felt lousy inside, it was a good evening. And many, many people were probably able to realize that. Then I said "thanks" to Gd and found I was able to pray again. The rest of my spiritual talk I'll spare you because I can have some really funky conversations with Gd. Somebody reading this might be thinking Gettingthere is out to lunch! I knew he was a bit different but now it's confirmed, he's a genuine fruit cake. Next he'll be telling us the Loch Ness monster shot JFK. hahahah I guess the only relevance of this rather interesting foray is that PMO can shut down my spirituality if I let it. Red, I hope you don't mind but I'm going to copy and paste this into my journal. Then people here will know what a looney I really am believing that Gd actually "talks" to us.
Hey gettinghere, sad to here from your relapse. But you made it very far, and that's good! So please now don't let yourself getting to much down...you are worth so much more. You've the good insights in what you've done with your life, please don't forget about the good changes you've made. It's okay to fall down, but it's not okay to stay lying on the ground! Good luck for the next days, stay strong! Hopefully
Come on again, gettingthere! Take it easy and look at all the progress you did last times. I am just on day 13 and reading yiur journal is a source of inspiritaion. Step by step
