Day 17/93 I am glad I continued to count days in the fray. It helps me to realize that I've been engaged in a hard struggle without quitting. That's been a big problem in my life. I cut and run when things get too hard. It has been described as taking the "geographic cure". It has made mincemeat of my professional and personal relationships. I would just bolt. Now I see that "day 100" on the horizon and I know that even if I relapse that 100 days is mine and it is real. Maybe that isn't a big accomplishment for others here. Most seem to count only days of no PMO. I really need to go the full 15 rounds. Even if I get knocked down, have my ribs broken, and my teeth knocked out, I still need to get up again. For me that is a true victory because my opponent is bigger, stronger, more vicious, and meaner than Mike Tyson. I'm just trying to stand toe to toe with my own Iron Mike Tyson and last. My opponent cannot kill me. Truly it can't. I will survive (I sound like Madonna, lol). I love this metaphor because it empowers me. I'll bob and weave. I'll duck and dodge. I'll throw punches of my own. Whatever it takes, I'll stay in the ring until the final bell. Boy, this post helped me a lot because I know for a FACT that I will make day 100 mine. I can't say that about the no-PMO count because I've relapsed before. But that day 100 is mine. I own it and I earned it. This is a post that I hope to re-read for the rest of the reboot and beyond as nourishment for my soul.
I like your analogy for pursuing your goal and counting your days. Just because the enemy catches you with a sucker punch doesn't mean you are out of the fight. That should do nothing but piss you off. And if you slip up, apologize to your better self, and then keep move forward. I like that you keep your counter moving forward, because everyday you are getting stronger. Consider how much stronger and aware you are now, than you where when you first started. I am also a big believer in self talk. I coach myself constantly. "Good job John", "John you are so much better than this shit (porn)." "John you want real woman, not this shit." "John I am proud of you." John you have so much to offer." This is my strong, masculine, male voice talking to me. The real me. If my old voice of defeat tries to gain ground I catch it, talk to it gently, and remind it that "that's not who we are." "Your a good man." And if I see beautiful women in an ad I say to the ad "Sorry sweetie, I'm only interested in REAL women" and I move on. John.
Day 18/94 Thanks for your welome insights John. That self talk is effective and I will try to use it. In the past I've used mantras and prayer. They can both be helpful too. I'm struggling a lot. The dating sites kill me and I waste a ton of time on them. The ironic thing is that I have a beautiful girlfriend so I know it is a remnant from PMO addiction. It is so subtle and I can lie to myself so easily. I hope today is a better day.
Gettingthere - Man I wish I could some how be there to help you... just to go out and have a beer with you to get it all off your mind. And you already know what I would say about the dating sites. Don't use them. It's the same pattern as edging for the next image. What you and I need is to get out and meet people face to face. That's how we will heal ourselves and break the behavior patterns that we have established. I don't have a girlfriend right now so loneliness is still occasionally a battle. The biggest battle for me honestly is just GETTING OUT. I have to force myself to go out and meet people because I have been locked in my own world for so long. You might want to consider getting your girlfriend involved as your "Social Director." I did this in college when I was in a fraternity. I didn't have to make any social plans because the fraternity did everything... I just showed up. Maybe tell your girl that you want to start doing more social stuff and to start scheduling the two of you for all kinds of shit. You know, things like wine tastings, local theatre, bar crawls, kickball, etc. whatever. My advice for both of us... get the fuck out of the house! John.
Hiya John, Good advice about getting out and away from the dating sites. It is definitely a form of edging for me. Getting out to a good bar brawl for some ball and ass kicking would definitely take my mind off of PMO. The worst that could happen is that I spend a night in the clink and no chance of PMO in there. lol The only trouble with having my gf as social director is that it is semi-long distance. We only see eachother on weekends. I'm not complaining though because sex a few times a week makes the reboot easier. I need to get out!
Day 20/96 and still in the ring. It was a good weekend with my gf. I am a bit too agressive and fiesty because of the reboot. I got into unnecessary arguments and got grumpy during canoeing and kayaking on a beautiful day. Now I'm not sure if this is just my personality but I think it can be related to rebooting. It's a private thing and I'm not going to reveal it to her. There is no need. So it feels like a hidden aspect of life. Oh well, I'll just have to deal with that. I'm feeling generally positive and I quit the dating site. The only sort of destructive behaviour I'm engaging in is graphic sex talk with another woman. It is like edging without porn or orgasm. Definitely it is dangerous territory because it can lead to relapse. It can also detroy the good relationship that I have with my gf. Maybe I'm just a messed up individual. My values have become blemished through 35 years of PMO. I'm not quitting.
Dude all our values have become blemished through PMO. Its given us a skewed view of the world. If a normal person saw the crap we have seen they would be put in a hospital for the mentally deranged. Sadly porn is becoming mainstream. Does not bode well for the future generations.
I think it is easy to say that. I want to believe it but how can we find out that it hasn't grown into our personality, I made it to day 20 last time, first being convinced I had the right mind set to stop, then on day 20 I had that side of me come in that just made it feel like I longed for it, needed it, loved it...when 2 days before I would look down on it like what, me watching it? hell no, i'm in this reboot and i'm gonna win. I guess we can only find out after a deep reboot what the real us is like and the real tastes of sex look and feel like, but it's so damn hard when your in a body and your mind first says something else but changes so it makes u feel like you really are that person... Do u kinda feel where i'm coming from or am I talking gibberish?
Thats how I feel, it is crazy that the old porn-loving part of me still exists...but it is getting smaller and weaker, I have hope it will fade far into the distance.
I think this will be a life long battle. I remember a talk by doctor Robert lustig in which he says addictions require 5 years of abstinence before the craving fully subside.
I'm glad to hear that you enjoyed your weekend. My temper certainly flares during my reboot. Hope all is well.
Hi Gettingthere, this graphic sex talk has got to end. You said yourself that it's dangerous territory and may lead to relapse, and also that it could destroy your relationship with your girlfriend. Don't risk it man, end it. Keep going man!
It's good to have a gf to share time with. Especially the weekends are hard for us all. Try to have a good time with her. Or at least try to have a good time! I'm sure you can do it! It's always hard to change yourself! Stay strong!!! Hopefully
Day 21/97 Guys thanks for the support. It's the only reason I've made it thus far. That is the truth. It's hard to ask for help, but in this case I'm glad I did. I really had to admit that it was time to swallow my pride. It had come to the point when I had very little pride left. The only pride I had left was that a few people in the world continue to care about me. That said, I didn't feel I deserved to be cared about. Surely there are things in the universe that we don't understand. I'm not going to get preachy or spiritual but I don't understand any of this. At least on an intellectual level I'm clueless. How did I get so far into a quagmire without realizing I was sinking deeper? How did I manage to lie to myself and others for 35 years? Wow, that is really a very tragic question. How did I find this journal and regain hope for a life of contentment? I'm not even sure how I should feel. I'm clueless! Should I be feeling grateful? Shame? Fear? Hope? Remorse? I think I'll stick with feeling grateful for having a few people care about me, whether "deserved" or not. Talk about irony! It is almost perfect irony. Through PMO I effectively shut people out by shutting off my human emotions and concentrating on putrid images of porn. How am I saved? Through the very humans I've lied to and locked out of my life. That's why I said that there are things in the universe we don't understand. This is not a lecture on religion. I'm just voicing amazement at the strength of the human element. Trev, I'm going to try to take your advice and give up the sex chat. When you come down to it that is not real. I'm staring at pixels on a computer screen and fantasizing. Those pixels will never visit me in a hospital (gd forbid), those pixels won't help me when I'm hurting, they won't even become real. That's the bottom line. No matter how much I want them to, pixels will NEVER be real. There's no sense in risking my recovery and a good relationship. In my heart I know it is a remnant of PMO, this sex chat pixels. It is a monster making a last ditch effort to cut my legs out from under me. Maybe if I wrestle long enough I can win. I was a wrestler in high school so I know that surviving can be hard on the mat. It's a long 6 minutes and it's a long 100 days but it is a good feeling to get up. Thanks again guys for sharing your thoughts and support. I think I'm going to try to follow and support a new newbie's journal each week. Maybe if we each picked out a newbie each week we'd have a geometric effect on this PMO disease. I've come to hate porn. Hey guys, here's a random thought. Why is porn free on the internet? Cigs, pot, booze, hookers, gambling, etc. all cost money. Why not porn? I have a conspiracy theory. Maybe it's the drug companies that sell Viagra, Cialis etc. Who else is benefitting from this addiction? I'm feeling very cynical about this being a coincidence. People here know PMO addiction can cause ED. Maybe there are some geniuses at Pfizer and Eli Lilly that have figured it out.
It's a beautiful day when we find ourselves laid bare with nothing left to hide. Congratulations my friend...humility in response to those who love you is a wonderful place to be. I encourage you to stay with those feelings of gratitude and share those feeling with the people closest to you. I would also encourage you to keep writing about what you are experiencing right now. You don't need to "explain" it to us or anyone, just express what your feeling and experiencing and let that be enough. Much like you did in the last post. You can't explain any of it, this is just what's happening. I think you will be surprised at the deeper experiences you will discover by doing that. All my best to you. John.
One technique that has completely put me off porn is consistently reminding myself of how false it is. I watched a documentary about the porn industry the other night (link in my journal) and it totally cemented the fact that they are just average girls that aren't special or interesting in any particular way. For me, it really pulled back the veil of what these porn scenes actually involve and how they relate to the real world and the everyday lives of the people that surround them. Since you are getting all philosophical (which I love btw), I think you would also benefit from listening to the 'Introduction to Philosophy' podcasts by Stefan Molyneux. He is a highly entertaining speaker, and his explanation of metaphysics helped me to distinguish the real from the fictional. Here is the link if you are interested: http://www.freedomainradio.com/Podcasts.aspx Keep writing, keep developing a strong mind based on mental and emotional integrity. You are wise to it now.
Day 22/98 Thanks Red, John and Al for helping to keep me honest and accountable. I can't lie to you guys. Even though my PMO-free count is only 22, I feel proud of trying for almost 100 days to reboot. In a way I'm more proud because I failed and am still here. That's why I encourage others not to quit even if you mess up. Besides, messing up is relative. A lot of us, including myself, have gotten pretty far out there. I've lost jobs, had scrapes with the law, lost a marriage, and all the rest. Some of us have seen some gruesome or disturbing stuff on the internet that will be hard to erase from our memories. So now a mess up is a lot less potent. The material or the act is basically stuff I did to relieve a boner when I was in high school. Thankfully it only happened once for about 98 days. Also, I'm getting to know my triggers. BUT, triggers for me are form of denial. "If I just look at this cute celebrity's pic, that is harmless." Well, sometimes it is not harmless. Sometimes it leads to more graphic pics, etc. I mean let's be honest, do I really give a crap about Lindsey Lohan? Of course not. I'ts just a flimsy excuse to look at a hot blonde. Do I really care about the "Top 10 bathing suits of the summer"? Hell no. I'm not a clothing merchandiser. Was that eliptical machine at the gym any better than the one that was ten steps closer? No, I just had to stare at some girl's backside. It's pure denial that these are "innocent" decisions. They're not innocent and they're not accidental. Let's face it, these little peeks, even though not PMO, are still shooting a bit of dopamine down those old unhealthy neuropathways. Why else would I look at stupid Lindsey Lohan if I wasn't getting some chemical reward? I'm still craving a cheap hit of dopamine. It's cheap because it's easy and it's had for a click of the mouse. It's the same bloody mechanism as porn except the image isn't graphic. Come on admit it, if you had to drive to the grocery store, stand in line, fork out $3 for a crap tabloid and look for Lindsey would you do it? No way! It's denial to think it's innocent. It's a cheap dopamine injection and that's all it is. I think I'm addicted to dopamine. The porn is just the progression of stimuli caused by boredome with one image. That pic in the Sears catalog just leads to something a bit more graphic and so on. I really need to stop picking up the Sears catalog. I can't remember the last time I bought a bra. hahaha So why fool myself? I'm a lazy addict. I still am.
gettingthere - thank you for your honesty and thank you for sharing it. When you speak honestly it rings true for all of us. We all know what you are talking about, we all know the little "give ins" that we let happen, and to be called out for them is a reminder to never let my guard down. I do have one personal point I want to share with you. I am a strong believer in the power of our self-talk. My improved self-talk has been one of the most notable changes in my life since stopping PMO and the subsequent end of my depression. I see my past PMO habit as just that... a habit. My past behavior established this habit of dopamine over stimulation that I am now healing my body from. But I am not "addicted" to Porn or dopamine. To me to be "addicted"is to have no power to resist a behavior. Now that I have healed masculine self image and have awareness of the dopamine effects of porn, I actually DO have the power to resist this behavior. I am still currently very sensitive to it's effects, but I do have control over my use of porn and my desire for dopamine. This is an important distinction to me because if my self-talk is saying "I am addicted to dopamine" then I am telling my subconscious mind to create a self image that resembles someone addicted to porn. That is not who I want to be. This is why I refer to my recovery as "I am healing my body from dopamine over stimulation." That is the reality that I want my subconscious mind to create for me. And it's working. John.
I just watched that link to a porno documentary from Redpill. I went on a great tirade that is totally out of character for me. But this site is about getting honest with ourselves and others. So I am posting my angry tirade. If anyone here decides they don't like me anymore I won't blame them. I do, however, think anger can be a tool in our arsenal to beat PMO addiction. I committed to pulling out all the stops in order to reboot. And I mean it. Even if I need to acknowledge that I have a side of me that is an asshole, I will admit it. Whether my tirade was silly or immature I don't know . I do know that that was honest anger I felt. Here goes: Thanks for posting the porn documentary link. It was an eye-opener how absolutely clueless the actors and directors are. I usually try not to judge people but I am comfortable judging that scum because they've messed up many good people. They've damaged me and many others like me on this site. So I am ready to judge them for the walking terds that they are. And I don't buy any of the bullshit excuses and rationalizations about needing money and daddy being in jail. I will judge them harshly and feel no remorse. Being stupid and immature is not an excuse for hurting those around you. It's not politically correct to judge others but I don't care because I'm not judging them on religious or moral grounds. They hurt me and others and in my book that is wrong. Let "the industry" lie to eachother that they're just actors giving people entertainment. It's not about entertainment. If I stick a pen into someone's eye and someone films that and others find it entertaining it is still wrong. It is mean to stick pens in peoples' eyes and it is mean to dehumanize intimate human interactions. May "the industry" die a lonely, slow and painful death. Wow, I really got on a roll there. Usually I'm a nice guy but that came flying out of me and it feels good. Maybe that is healthy bitterness and anger I felt.
(I don't know how to do the quote function so I just copy and past.) "But this site is about getting honest with ourselves and others. So I am posting my angry tirade. If anyone here decides they don't like me anymore I won't blame them." "I do, however, think anger can be a tool in our arsenal to beat PMO addiction. I committed to pulling out all the stops in order to reboot. And I mean it. Even if I need to acknowledge that I have a side of me that is an asshole, I will admit it." gettingthere - I'm with you! I say pull the stops and let it roll. I don't care how angry you have to get, I say hold nothing back and speak all the ugly truth that you are feeling. And thank you for tirade. It was refreshing. John.
