winning

Yes, rebooting from this addiction has definitely taught me a lot about humility and also compassion for others. This is one of the best lessons I have learnt from this whole experience.

Love this attitude! Keep it up man!

 

My count is going to look like this:
Day 8 no PMO, Day 84 in the fight.
So... day 8/84
Still kicking.
Girlfriend is driving me a bit nuts with the 'come here/get away' dance.
At 52 you would think I'd know enough to sit that dance out.
But....pussy heap big medicine.

 

Day 9/85

There is not much to report except I think I'm setting myself up for another relapse by spending way to much time on the computer.
It's not rational and in a way it is flirting with danger.
My reboot is too serious to be risking a relapse by "browsing" randomly.
It shows me that even though I'mon the right track, I'm still playing mind games with myself.
Is anyone else doing this?
It's making me scared.

 

Relapse is so easy.

I just saw some cleavage while reading the news and its putting bad thoughts in my head.

Keep strong bro.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Day 10/86
Thanks so much ONemore, I need a lot of support lately.
I see this reboot is not linear at all.
I'm back at the very beginning and struggling with every thought and action.
I feel disjointed and weak. I'm not in a good place like I was before my relapse.
It's like I've been knocked down and now I'm being taunted.
Still, I need to conquer this addiction.
It is a real addiction. Porn addiction is a real addiction. This is an addiction that can control my life if I let it.
I should give this addiction a bit more honest acknowledgement. It is ugly but it is potent.
It is demeaning but it can be pursuasive.
I need to treat this addiction like someone that I know is bad for me, my girlfriend or my son.
I can't deny their existence but I can give them absolutely no opening to harm those I care about or myself.
When my addiction calls I will not answer the phone, I will not open the email, I will leave the room.

You can probably feel the fear I'm experiencing in the words I'm using.
But, and here's the thing, even when I'm afraid, I can still fight back.
Even when I'm terrified I can still throw that punch back in the face of this bully.
I've done it before.
I've laid out bullies more than once.

I'm going to keep swinging.

 

You need to take preemptive action. If you have to use the computer, use it in a public place, or put filters on it if you use it at home, or some other action. You could also start consciously spending less time on the computer and replace it with other activities: reading, going for a walk etc.Try to think ahead and plan how lapses could offer before you get tempted. It is good that you are aware of this, now go and take action to help prevent relapse.

Absolutely - it is very real and it will control our lives if we let it - in fact it has controlled many of us so far. To deal with any addiction requires complete honesty with self - otherwise we will easily fall for the tricks that the mind plays with use to try and justify continuing the addiction.

Hell yeah! that's the spirit - you've just got to keep going...keep in the fight.

 

You have done so well gettingthere and gave it such an amazing run before you will do again. As they say it does not reverse all the progress you have made. As masturbation shouldnt harm you if you have no ED as your receptors must be okay if your feeling like watching porn thgat much just sit down and knock one out, hopefully it will knock out the pressure, although its sometimes fun to let it build up, but if your feeling that desperate probably worth a go, just dont use the deathgrip!!!

 

Day 11/87
Thanks Trev and Straight,
I appreciate the much needed support. It is really a lifeline for me.
Trev, you're right about this process requiring complete honesty with myself. Now that I said that, I think I know why this is so difficult.
The honest picture of my addicted self is not pretty.
It's a picture of a self-centered, weak, selfish man.
At the gym yesterday there were some attractive couples.
My first thought should have been pleasure and gratitude at having such beauty and contentment in the world around me.
Instead the self-centered addict's first thought was about how I'd like to screw her, regardless of how that made her partner feel.
That sort of warped thinking has taken a grip on my soul.
That is an honest self-assessment that is also a bit hard to swallow.
It's so much easier to avoid that self-portrait and have a wank looking at another guy's girlfriend on the computer.

Wow, that just sounded quite pathetic.
On the other hand, isn't that one of the benefits of writing in this forum?
It is for me because I need to confront that really unnatractive side of me that is caused by porn addiction.

I did not always look at other's girlfriends and only think about screwing them. I feel this is, at least partially, a manifestation of this self-centered non-realistic addiction. My brain has seen so much porn it assumes that of course that guy's girl wants a stud like me.
It's absurd self-delusion.

I'm hoping that this entry is not just a bitch session about life on porn.
For me it's a subtle description of how this addiction has seeped into my core personality and world view.
I want to get rid of these blue-colored glasses and get my rose-colored ones back.

 

It is an honest picture and an honest picture of how you are now. When you can truly, honestly see yourself as you really are, then you can begin to change.

You are not bound to this current picture for the rest of your life. This addiction makes all of us self-centered and weak, but it is not a permanent state. Rebooting shows that we can become radically different people and have a life that seems almost impossible to comprehend when we are in the full throes of addiction.

This addiction does make us quite pathetic, but once again that is not who we truly are, it's just a state we are in at the moment. Again it's good that you are seeing yourself with this degree of honesty.

The good news is that you are beginning to see through it's disguise.

Keep going man!

 

Gettingthere,
These are some extraordinary passages you are writing here. It feels like you are getting to the heart of the matter. Over the last few days I've been hearing the persuasive arguments and subtle suggestions of my porn addiction talking and its been something of a struggle. There have been a few times where knowledge that I have web protection active has been a huge help. In a way its not so much the protection itself but like a message from my non-addicted self to my addicted self that we wish to be free. Reading your recent entries have been inspiring though. It's very easy to listen to the persuasion and not hear any defense of what the real consequences will be like afterwords. My addicted self paints this rosey picture and really nothing in my mind is presenting the reality. At this point, I just know that I can't make the choice of porn. Reading your posts, however, was like hearing the defense for why not to listen to the these pervasive, addicted lies.

Thank you for being so honest and clear. If you find yourself in trouble in the future re-read those passages.
And good job getting back into double digits. As you move into 60-70 days again, definitely re-read those passages you wrote.

take care,
Mirier

 

The situation in the gym also happens to me. It's interesting how only watching people having sex changed our whole attitude towards other people. At least we're doing our best to change it, right?
Good luck finding those rose-colored glasses, gettingthere.

 

Go for it and stay strong!

And many many thanks for the support given! This forum really gives a lot of strength and insight thoughts about our world and how it could be.

Hopefully

 

Today is 14/90 of no PMO
That means in 1 day I will have been rebooting for 90 days with one PMO session. That makes me feel good.
Wow, did I just say that? I actually said something positive since me relapse.
Perhaps that is a sign of better days to come.
Hope, Recover, Mir and Trev, thanks a lot for the comments.
I especially look forward to your responses because you guys are articulate and, at this point, have enough perspective to see the big picture.
Mir, you're right about the web protection being a tangible sign of the voice of sanity trying to retake lost ground. And just the fact that we're even trying to stop jerking off is momentous, truly unfathomable a year ago. I'm grateful.
Trev, you've now started to see a horizon somewhere without porn in that picture. Man, you are so right that this pathetic state of affairs is reversible. And as we reboot, that better side, that human side will return. That is something to truly wish for.
Knowing full well that as a human being I will screw up plenty, still I know it will be a better person making those inevitable errors.

I noticed that this entry is more positive than the last few.
Thanks for that brothers and may felt goodness return to your lives.

 

I'm glad to see that you're more positive, man.
You always have been a source of awareness and motivation for my reboot. Try to keep the positivity going, to help all guys here in the forum.
Good luck!

 

Many more positive things to come!

It is absolutely reversible - I am starting to see more and more evidence that this is so. The human side does come back and we start really living.

You are very welcome. I also give big thanks to everyone reading this. It is the support and sense of accountability I have received from this forum that made the difference in this reboot.

 

Day 15/91 of no PMO.
Today I'm just feeling lonely and horny.
So far I don't have the urge to PMO.
It's just a fuzzy sensation that is preventing me from realizing that I'm fully alive.
I'm sure it's a remnant of my active unchecked addiction to PMO.
There was a kind of progression my brain went through. It began with a slight fuzziness and that led to a mental ambiguity regarding whether I could release any mental restraints to PMO.
Once I was ambiguous about the whole mental vs. limbic struggle, it was just a short step to relenting "just for a quick wank."
Of course that became a long PMO session of dopamine euphoria and the resulting guilt and anguish.

So here I am with just a bit of fuzziness. This is the point I have to avoid the ambiguity.
This is not ambiguous, it's really crystal clear. It's me or my addiction that will make the next move.
And I know from experience that that next move will happen in the next half hour or so.
Wow, this self-conversation is really healthy. It's my rational brain beginning to express itself.

I'm going to listen to my rational brain--at least for today.
Be with me brothers.

 

gettingthere - I totally know the place you are in right now. I would use procrastination sometimes to get my mind off of focusing on "not using P" just to get through the day. I would say to myself "I'll do it tomorrow". And try to let myself forget about it all together You may also want to be aware of the self talk in your head. The subconscious mind only "hears" things in the positive not the negative. For example, saying "I don't want to PMO" is received by the subconscious as "I want to PMO". The subconscious doesn't register the negative. That's why being aware of your self talk and being aware of the messages you are sending your subconscious is so important.

This is also why meditation can be so powerful. In meditation you quite the voices, feel yourself at peace, and in this state of peaceful harmony you speak positive encouragement to yourself like, "I am complete, I am whole, nothing more is required." If you are feeling horny as you are meditating, breath in deeply and imagine with each breath that you are drawing your sexual energy up and into the rest of your body. Feel how that sexual energy moves through you, and continue your slow deep breathing, pulling your natural masculine sexual energy all through your body. Feel yourself energized, smile, love the feeling of being a man, and relax your body into this rush of energy.

I have been doing this type of meditation very recently because I learned it from a book call "The Way of the Superior Man" by David Dieda. I used to get so frustrated by the sexual energy sitting in my balls and just feeling horny. Now I am learning how to tap into that energy and use it to strengthen myself as a man rather than weaken myself by releasing it through PMO. You know the feeling. After PMO you can feel how energy has left you. Before PMO your energy is high and aggressive. After PMO your energy is low and passive. As I have been training my body to handle more masculine energy rather than release it, I have gained more control over myself. I have gained more confidence. I am able to hold my masculine energy powerfully when talking with beautiful radiant women. My balls are becoming my welcome "source" of masculine energy not a frustrating cry for sexual release.

I encourage you to practice taking control of your sexual energy in this way and learn to welcome and tap into the rush of masculine energy that it provides. John.

 

Day 16/92 of no PMO/ beginning reboot process.
Thanks John for sharing your wisdom and support.
I'm busy with work now but I hope to check out that book.

 

(Posting over a note to John)

I'm trying to share my story and hope that helps others avoid going so late into life with a delusion for a best friend.
Maybe I can quit PMO and I'm willing to try nearly anything. I have gone 75 days before relapsing and that gives me hope that I will do it again.
For some reason it is more of a daily struggle since the relapse.
That said, I still don't believe the 75 days were of no benefit.
I think the physical reprogramming of my brain has progressed for about 92 days.
When I think about the time NOT spent pmo'ing, it has been a windfall of great magnitude.
Whenever I can help others, I'm also helping myself and the world to be a better place.
Many lives are wasted on this crud.
I don't want one more second to be lost in the cesspool of porn.