Day 54 no PMO. Yesterday was very sobering and sad. A good friend's house burnt and is a total loss. Luckily he and his wife and 3 kids got out safely. The good side is it made me really appreciate what we have and that we should make the most of our days. Do you want to know what warped PMO thinking is? After my initial distress and sadness, it occurred to me that if that had happened to me, most likely the fire figthers or salvage crew would have discovered a stash of porn. That would have added shame on top of all the other trauma. How did I let myself get so low? How did I justify risking such shame to myself and my family and friends? I think I must be an arrogant person to justify the right to risk shaming others. Arrogance pure and simple...but wait is it that simple? My addiction made me stash porn. My addiction made me care more about the PMO than my beloved's feelings. It is the addiction that must go! I have no doubt that this humbling process of rebooting will also diminish any arrogance. Humility in my mind is a great blessing. I am humbled now in a good way. Before I was humbled by dopamine and shame. I remember laying on the floor in a fetal position crying and wondering how I could continue living like "this"? The answer has finally become clear. I can't continue to live with PMO as a man. But without PMO there is no limit to felt goodness. Thanks for the support guys. On some level this journey has taken on a new meaning since it feels shared.
I've heard numerous people mentioned how self-centered they felt because of this addiction but I hadn't heard anyone say arrogant but that is also how it is. Selfish, stupid, arrogant. This is not a life to live. And I agree, its not as if this addiction cares at all for us. It's like some virus which is happy to destroy its host. Thanks for the insights and honesty telling your story. I find it greatly inspiring to hear you get through your difficult moments. Keep making it happen for yourself and the people you are connected to.
it's good that you're trying to beat this! Just don't be too hard on yourself with words as arrogance or selfish. It's already hard enough to go through withdrawal, there's no need to be even more harsh on yourself. take care!
Very sobering post, thanks for sharing it. I'm sorry for the loss your friend suffered. I have had friends go through this too and it's very tough. I don't know if you meant that thinking about what would happen to you was warped, or stashing porn and taking the risk was warped. But thinking about what would happen to you is very honest and good for you in my opinion. It makes you realize just how crazy this can get and the consequences. I used to think "What if I died or went into a seizure or something with 10 XXX porn tabs open on my laptop?" How terrible that would have been for my wife to find that, on top of the trauma of her husband being ill or dying... geez... Oh, and congratulations on your progress! ;D
Day 55 of no PMO. Thanks Spin, Meta, Journey, High, Mirier, Trev. Every time I see comments I know I can count on your positive support. I've tried to avoid whining here. But I do know this road is tough and all the folks here have pulled together in the time of distress. I gave my friend some cash and lots of others are helping them to get on their feet. People pulling for eachother in time of need is what makes me believe we are not just pleasure-seeking evolved animals. This site has helped us all see a higher purpose as well as a means to escape addiction. I'm not thumping any bibles, this is just observable fact that we are all growing in the process. Anyway I feel lousy because I'm sick but it's my own fault. My girlfriend was down for the weekend and she was pretty sick. Despite knowing this I stuck my tongue in her mouth and did the nasty. It was nice but I realized it was a decision made partially from fear. I'm afraid that without a release I'll relapse. Maybe I'm overanalyzing (that is my second occupation in life). Maybe I should just stick with the idea that whatever I'm doing is working and leave it at that. I don't like how much gratuitous sex we are spoon-fed in the media and entertainment industries because I'm so vulnerable to it now. I watched American Beauty with my girlfriend Saturday. This is an academy award winning movie. Out of nowhere a boob shot is inserted that doesn't add to the plot or character development. It's just thrown in and I wonder why. Of course the image gets fixed in my brain. It was like seeing the same thing at 16 years old. I can still pull up those images. But, ironically, the real life experiences are gone. I think I'm warped. When I think of these nude scenes now I realize they weren't needed for the movie to be good. Maybe I'm just bitching here. Oh well, it is my brain getting off porn. I never questioned these things before. I'm definitely feeling that the urges to PMO are less compelling. The neural pathways to the rational are gaining ascendence over the pig brain. All is not in vain.
Man I wish I had a girlfriend to get some release right now! But at least saying that means I must have a libido returning! I hear what you are saying. Watched mad men today and the latest episode had an impled bj from a cougar that just stuck in my mind. The fact you get simple images like that in your head is a sign of progress however. Porn is full throttle. A simple shot of a boob staying with you tells me you are progressing. I bet when your were deep into porn usage such a scene would barely register. Or it would trigger curiosity for porn, while not actually thinking about the simple boob shot at all.
Before Internet porn, it was not that big a deal to see nude scenes. Because the easy option to just immediately jump into porntopia wasn't there. In some cases you might go jerk off in the bathroom to the memory of the image you just saw, but that still wouldn't lead to a binge. Now, if you're home alone watching a movie with a nude scene, you're a few clicks away from watching something 100x as intense. I know I did that a lot. I'm not watching any TV that might contain triggers. I was into the latest Mad Men and GOT, but they will just have to wait.
Gettingthere, sorry but I had to chuckle a little at your description of kissing your girlfriend. I totally relate to not caring about catching what my wife has. She won't come near me when I have a cold, but I couldn't care less. Catching a cold has no power to make me not want to kiss her! Good luck today man, I hope it's an easy one for you.
I second your feelings on TV and the media in general. Right now I just like I have to be careful. I just won't watch programs that I know or even is likely to contain triggers. If something comes up I will just actively look away or blur my vision. Also, I love following sports on the internet but it is very common to mingle sexual images with sports so for instance, foxsports.com is out. It's too easy to kind of linger over their galleries. Although in a way this is all a very good thing because I also have strong habits of just whiling (sp?) away time on the internet or by watching tv. Eliminating these media triggers is also forcing myself not to indulge in time wasting habits.
Day 56 of no PMO. It was a really cool feeling today because it was the first full month of no PMO. I put big black Xs on my calendar and when I flipped April it was a complete mass of Xs. I know some guys here have gotten into some fetish stuff and I did too. I'm not sure if this is a necessary part of the reboot process but I feel it is an opportunity not to be squandered. I've never been able to articulate these things and I'm not going to pass up the opportunity because half of my battle here is with shame. I gradually slid into exhibitionism/voyeurism. I'm going to avoid any graphic stuff because they can be triggers. Let's just say I spent a lot of time in parking lots and I had a telescope. Luckily, my living situation limited opportunities for pursuing this fetish. I did however have some embarrassing situations and scrapes with the law. Luckily, no damage was done legally but it was getting very close. I'd revert to those computer sites because I guess they fed some sort of dominance/submissive aspect of myself. Out of fear, I took the "geographic cure". I packed up and left before I got into real trouble. I did this many times. So despite having a good education and profession, I remained unsuccessful, unfulfilled, and alone. After I ended up in my parent's basement a few years ago I knew I couldn't keep running forever. I would end up eating in soup kitchens. I never suspected that it was PMO addiction fueling this cycle. I even came up with romantic bullshit like "I'm following the road less taken", or "To thy own self be true." In other word I was very deep in addiction and possibly delusional. As I struggled to my feet I had to make a vow not to take the geographic cure ever again. I knew I had to stop running from myself. After taking that first step, I miraculously saw a connection between my addiction and my abysmal quality of life. It was then that I started battling and praying for freedom from this addiction. I encountered nothing but failure and inevitable relapse countless times. Then I pulled out all the stops. I admitted everything to myself and I started fighting. The path to this site is familiar to all of us. I somehow knew I had hit bottom and needed help. Thanks guys!
Yeah I'll say! Kudos to you for getting your life on track. The porn addiction is a cancer. It truly is remarkable just how much time all of us sucked just gawking at porn. Or the lengths we'd go to get a new flavour. It seems you could go on forever, pushing the envelope if you didn't wake up to the source of the problem. I think that goes for all of us. Who knows what id be doing in 15 years. Perhaps that virtual whore house from Minority Report the movie will be the next step. Not really that far off considering people are wacking to japanimation cartoons now.
Gettingthere, just look at the turnaround you've made in your life! Keep up the good work and I hope you have a good day today my friend.
Thanks for the kind words Dark, Onany and Meta. Day 57 of no PMO. I do feel as though I've come a long way. As you guys may have gathered, at times I was really out of control. Not all, but a large part of that was caused by PMO addiction. The moral anguish was palpable. I was a walking, talking, PMOing hypocrite. I was two hostile creatures sharing the same body. It's impossible to live a healthy life when you're split down the middle. I was a compassionate man looking in the mirror and seeing a reflection of a callow exploiter. A generous man seeing the reflection of a grasping, selfish pig. I knew I was a free man but I saw a shackled pathetic prisoner staring back into my eyes. Hopefully soon I'll see the man I know I can be. It feels good to be heading in the right direction and just feeling somewhat "normal". I'm still trying to avoid whining here but I know this post was a bit dicey.
Day 58 of no PMO I woke up today and the first thought I had was not of PMO or or abstaining. It was about starting to dream again and work on dreams long since forgotten. It's hard to pursue your real dreams when you are PMOing in front of an instant fantasy machine. I've consciously devoted lots of time and energy into this rebooting process--everything I could. It's worthwhile and reccommend such focus if you are deep into addiction like I was. Now I'm feeling that very soon (today?) I'll be ready to pursue the life I've dreamt of before the nightmare. It is a nightmare but we can awaken. This forum has helped me in a myriad of ways to open my eyes. The support, accountability, empathy, and honesty are all integral to my reboot. I'm aiming at 100 days of no PMO and trying to stay constantly vigilant. I went to my friends to help him with salvaging what he could from his burnt out house. The parallels are many. Some of my life is charred ashes that must be forgotten and left behind. Some are of this worthless debris, unfortunately, is relationships and opportunities squandered. So be it, they are gone for good. Some of my life is intact but needs to be cleaned and polished to be usable. I need to work to get the stink out of my soul. This work is dirty and cumbersome but it is possible. I've also realized that there is just a lot of unnecessary crap in my life--neither good or bad. That stuff needs to be removed or lessened because it takes energy to maintain and detracts from things that matter. Then there are the priceless items--the good memories. These must be held onto at all cost. There were lots of good, meaningful times even in the fog of addiction. Don't let go of the priceless!
58 days is impressive. I think it's interesting that most of us started this journey to fix ED, but the side effects (or primary effects) of increased overall positivity and the need to feel "less cluttered" in life is something that really can't be valued highly enough. I am only 28 days in but I already have a similar experience where I feel the need to de-clutter my life (and my brain), but at the same time I am starting to remember and starting to cherish a lot of positive memories. Who would have thought that PMO could affect us in such drastic ways and make our brains and our lives feel like we're carrying all this debris? Best of luck, keep on pushing!
I found removing the need for pmo has risen other problems to the surface. Namely my anger and aggression. It's clear to me now I relied on pmo to calm my frustrations down. Instead of dealing with them head on. Good for you getting there. It's nice to read about people sticking with this!
DAY 58!!!! WOW, THAT IS A HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT BROTHER, keep it up man, keep fighting it man, good to see u keeping and getting ur life on track , keep going
