Getting there, you're getting there man! So glad you had a good visit with your girlfriend, hope the chaser doesn't bother you too much. Stay strong brother and have a great day today, we're pulling for you!
Great work, gettingthere! With respect to the shame and the utter sadness we feel about having poisoned days, weeks, years of our lives in this manner, allow me to repeat what I said to you a while ago in response to your post on my journal: Today, we view the past with shame. Our task is to use each new day to create a better past. In ten years, we will view the past with quiet satisfaction because we took control of our lives and redeemed ourselves. When you feel shame about the past, try to remember your success over the past 48 days and look forward with hope. Keep calm and carry on.
Spin, Meta, Trev, Straight, Dark, Thanks! I mean it and I really do need the support because I'm feeling a new feeling that scares me. Spin, I think you're previous comment is engraved on my soul. It is a treasure that peers into the very essence of a life well-lived. Trev, thanks for a totally new perspective on this insidious thing called "shame". It can go so deep it is reinforced biochemically. Knowing that gives me hope because I've learned that process is reversible over time. Day 49 today, and I was clinging to straws yesterday. I had a rough day at work and made a dumb mistake. My brain clicked into PMO mode. The little two-faced piece of shit tried to console me: "Take it easy, I will show you how to feel better. All you need is a little tiny bit of dopamine and your day will improve. Heck, one topless pic isn't a big deal. You deserve it because you've had a rough day." Wow! My little "friend" seemed so logical and pursuasive. By the grace of something I was able to challenge the little beast. "Ok, why am I regretting following your well-meaning advice for 35 years?" No answer from the snivelling dog. "Ok, "buddy" what if I don't take your advice this time...will I die?"....Again no answer. "OK, you little cockroach, will you promise me to never bother me again if I listen to you?" No answer.... Somehow I used my Socratic questioning to win the day. I now know that it is on the shitty days the little stinking terd will be scratching at my door trying to get me to open it. It will be on the day of grief, dissapointment or frustration that my false "friend" will stop by for a friendly chat. What scares me is that it is exactly right now that I'm most vulnerable. I really need to turn down my "friend's" volume. Learn to turn down the volume on those sweet sounding offers of dopamine. Maybe my insidious "pal" will lose his/her voice. That's what I'm hoping.
Hang in there gettingthere, That little voice will come up with all sorts of shifty arguments and justifications to encourage to act out and lapse. It is good that you are now able to see it for what it is - it is not the real you but simply the voice of addiction that comes and goes. It sounds as though you are starting to get a little space from it. The fact that you have been able to have some sort of dialogue with it implies you are starting to separate from it rather than being completely wrapped up in you. The voice does fade. I still get it to some extent but I am starting to see it when it's presence. It will fade over time, just don't give it any energy. The moment you start to give it energy and attention, is when it starts to grow again and then will only get stronger and stronger. Try to give it space, observe it when it appears, and observe it as it fades. Everything comes and goes. Keep going man!
Good for you! This is a great dialog. Yes, that voice is a beast, a sniveling dog, a cockroach. Why did we listen to it for so long and without much struggle? Thank goodness we have found this path out of that hellhole and this place to share our journey with each other. Thanks for that post gettingthere and have a great, strong day today my friend.
Day 50 (half way there) Thanks Trev and Meta, I'm not going to give that cockroach's voice any energy and I do believe I'm distancing myself from my addiction. Because of your support I'm better able to face up to the truth and go ahead with meeting the real me. The real me is not the guy who's number one concern was his own PMO. The easy accesibility of porn made me sad yesterday. I visited a 92 year old friend who is afraid he is dying and I'm helping him with a matter. Anyway, he wanted to show me something but couldn't because his computer wouldn't let him. He then told me he had looked at some graphic pictures and was ashamed they would not go away. I gave him some of my meager computer advice and left it at that. But then later that day it made me sad that a beautiful human being afraid he is dying is confronted with shame caused by looking at images he turned to out of lonliness for his dear deceased wife. I'm starting to see that there is something truly wrong with porn. I don't know if it is moral, psychological, societal, neurochemical, or all of the above. I do believe there is something wrong with its seductiveness and power to distort reality even when it doesn't result in addiction. Meta, you wrote about the insidious and unfair first exposure to porn. I am really starting to agree with you. I know everyone here made decisions and we are accountable for the consequences, but isn't it sad that there is no way to protect a 14 year old with a ipad or a 92 year old widower from this? As you can tell I'm feeling hurt and angry. I don't think I will become an anti-porn crusader because I need to focus on the next 50 days. But guys, let's not lose sight of the fact that porn really is a menace and it's not JUST our proclivities that landed us here.
Yeah, there has not been widespread acceptance that Internet porn is qualitatively different from previous forms of porn. Back when it was difficult to access 20 new scenes in 20 minutes, porn wasn't really much of a problem. Men did not get addicted to Playboy. Men didn't get ED from watching soft core on cable too much. Men didn't get their ideas about sex from watching gangbang videos at 15 years old. But it's hard to explain how Internet porn is a truly different beast. It sounds like alarmism, fear of the new. Perhaps studies showing the increase of ED in young men will shed some light.
I agree with above. As more of these cases come to light people will realise just how much damage porn today can inflict on the mind. It's taboo right now, and people don't want to approach the subject. I assume many people dismiss anti-porn users as religious extremists. I don't think it's healthy for people to use god as a reason to ban porn. Fine if it works for you, but if you push those beliefs on others it will move people away from recognising the real problems. Porn really is destructive. Not just if you have ED because of it, but many other reasons. It installs false realities of what sex and women should be like. There's quite a correlation between my porn use and my views of women over the years. Now I've had some horrible girlfriends, but that shouldn't be enough for me to view women as only sex objects. For me sex with women went from a beautiful moment to needing to get rougher and rougher with them. Then to not needing it at all. I can't imagine what kids are thinking nowadays. I mean, anyone can access these sites online. It is incredibly dangerous. I'll never watch it again knowing what I know now.
Day 51 and now I'm working on the second half of reboot. Yesterday I realized I'm not free of this addiction yet. I accidently went to a pic of a girl. This might sound weird but I had used the pic to get girls to be graphic with me on chat sites by pretending to be a bi girl. Even though it might sound funny it's not. Some of those women were truly attracted to who they thought I was physically and emotionally. It was all a lie and I used them heartlessly for my own gratification. It was not a nice thing to do and it shows me the depths of depravity I had reached. Anyway, this pic led me to click on the site and that's when the pics popped up. I was able to avoid the dopamine rush by deleting it right away. I was literally seconds away from the dopamine jolt that would have re-opened those neural pathways that connect porn with pleasure stimuli. I don't consider it a relapse but I do consider it a lesson on how sneaky the slippery slope can be. I'm going to have to be more careful. There is just too much at stake for me, especially now that I've got 51 days under my belt. I do want to thank you for the support guys. In that fraction of the second between the pic and the delete button it was this forum that flashed in my head and brought my mouse to the delete button. Thanks!
Well done! Stay on your road, I'm shure you know that it's best for you. These traps are allover the internet...it's a little like Mario Bros Jump'n Run. Stay strong!
Nice going fighting off the sudden attack. I was reading yesterday that habits make a final hard push for attention as they are facing extinction.
Outstanding, gettingthere. Compare your last few posts with your first ones--congratulations, my friend. Stay strong.
Gettingthere, glad you got back from the edge. It's inspiring to read your journal, and to know there are other guys out there who are fighting this thing and really holding tough. Keep it up brother, I'm anxious to see how this works out for you...
Day 52 and girlfriend is visiting but sick as a dog so no O, this sucks. Meta, Spin, Onany, High, Hope, you guys are the rip cord that I pull to keep me safe. Before I get into the free fall now I know it won't be fatal. I might even bust a leg, but I shall return. I'm committed and I'm not giving up. Even if you guys think you are here to help only yourselves (that's what I thought initially), you are performing a true act of charity and compassion. In my book, nothing tops that. Sometimes it helps me reflect on how deep I had fallen and maybe it even provides some entertainment and perspective for others. After the second divorce, I landed flat on my back in a town in Arkansas. That's called taking the geographic cure when you know you're on the brink of serious trouble. Walking home from a rough bar where is was looking for some easy sex I passed a magazine shop that featured a lot of porn-type material. The glass door had been completely broken out and there was shards of glass everywhere. So, thinking it was Christmas, I waltzed in and collected a big collection of magazines and continued walking home. In retrospect I imagine explaining to a police officer that I didn't do anything wrong because the store was open and I couldn't find anyone to pay... I could have been charged with breaking and entering, felony theft, and more. I might have spent 10 years in prison because my addiction saw an opportunity to have a cheap thrill. Now, I'm seldom accused of being stupid. But the lesson for me is that this addiction can make you stupid and make dangerous decisions. Let's get free and clear our brains of this disease.
Yeah, it's good to look back on episodes like that and contrast where you were with where you are. I know I am going to have to look at some actions of mine as well. Not quite ready to look at some of them. Need to get more positive things going in my life so that I am not overwhelmed with regret. The better I make my present, the more I can handle reviewing my past.
I use my past to motivate me. But that's just me. I'm always the guy with a chip on his shoulder. It worked for my career and even in sports, so I'm applying it now. I'm never quite proud of what I accomplished but starting to reflect and it is amazing what I've done, all because of mistakes I made or times I didn't work hard enough. Keep going!
Getting, you are a real inspiration; i am in awe of you at pushing through to Day 52 - Kudos man, keep fighting the good fight
It is important to realise that the addiction doesn't give a damn about our health or safety - it just wants to keep itself alive and will do anything to achieve that. As you said, one cheap trill - one hit of dopamine - could end you in a world of trouble that would impact on the rest of your life. Yes, this addiction does make everyone stupid and really messes with out ability to make rational decisions, but the great is that our minds do clear and we are able to regain our ability to think, plan, and act in a rational manner as the reboot continues. [/quote] I quote this again to stress the importance - It is a disease and we can clear it. Keep going everyone.
