come on GT, you've made such a good progress. Please stay strong. But I know how hard it can be. I needed several trys to get into the right mood for this good reboot that I'm in. Sometimes it lasted three weeks, sometimes one week. And it always was the same thing: Oh, it's just one look, one video, I only want to try if I can resist, doand of course I can, and so on. We all know these thoughts. And in the end it's the simple thing that rules: If you want to change it, you have to change it. Oh shit, if that wasn't so hard to do! I wish you the best on and for your way!
You're right, I have noticed that mood and life circumstances does have an effect on our reboot. But that's just why we have make new adjustments so that when we are in a bad mood, we don't have the option to PMO..and when we are in a euphoric mood, we don't have the option to reward ourselves with PMOing. It 's easier said then done, and I'm still in the process of finding out what adjusments works for me, but at the end it really is up to will power and controlling our thoughts man. You can do it. GT
Day 18/121 Thanks guys for your mighty support. It's amazing when people like you are willing to encourage someone who's feeling so unworthy. I mean it. I've been feeling unworthy of almost anything including encouragement. Buy some amazing grace (I like the song), I'm still here. Am I any stronger? Am I any better off? Am I even one inch closer to rebooting? You can tell my state of mind. I'm just very unsure of myself.
Hey man have you tried excercise? Excercise can really help you with depressive thoughts. What's most important is the duration of it (minimum 20-30 minutes) and the frequency during the week. Not the intensity of it! That last part is very crucial. I discovered this one right now and I'm amazed by it. You can read it in my journal! Oh and thanks for posting
You may sometimes feel unworthy, but please remember that feelings are only temporary and they will pass. Feeling unworthy is not who you truly are. I can definitely identify with this as I used to also have massive feelings of unworthiness and thought that things would never change. Well things did change and so the feelings of unworthiness were indeed only a passing state and not who I a really am. Maybe it is grace. I think that a lot of people in recovery, especially in 12-twelve step programs put a lot of stock in this. Whatever it is, if it works, it works. Keep going man!
hey getting there! I'm glad to see that you're still trucking and pushing forward. Keep your head up, soldier. The VERY FACT that you're here after a relapse, shows that you're dedicated to beat this. If i haven't said it before, thank you, my friend, Even though this forum has a strong anonymity between members, I feel like I know you after all of your replies to my journal and especially as a source of inspiration that I've gained through your's. You CAN and WILL beat this. DAY BY DAY.
Hi, gettingthere. You ask: "Am I any stronger? "Am I any better off? "Am I even one inch closer to rebooting?" I think the answer is in your statement: "By some amazing grace (I like the song), I'm still here." I think that means the answer is YES. gt, I'm on day 127 no PM, day 64 no O. Sounds impressive? It's not really. I've had no libido--complete flatline--for the past eight weeks. No strong PMO urges--so it's been easy to abstain. The only benefit I feel is that I'm not disrespecting my wife and myself by yanking my crank like a coke-addled chimp and that I'm exercising a little control over my life. I'm far from being the man my wife deserves--the man I want to be. I still feel like I'm an underachieving, flabby jerk. HOWEVER... I AM stronger than I was four months ago. I AM better off than I was four months ago. I AM closer to rebooting. And... SO ARE YOU. It's true. Read through your journal. You are making progress. You don't have to win this marathon, you just have to finish. Keep going. Keep being strong. Grind it out.
Day 0 Clean, Spin, Pil, Ryan, Trev, High, thanks guys for not abandoning me even when I abandoned myself. For most of July I've crashed and burned and crashed and burned. I think I've even managed to erase any residual benefits I garnered in my previous attempts. Those who know me (or think they know me) wonder why I always seem to shoot myself in the foot. They see I'm my own worst enemy. But because of my shame nobody knows the specifics of my PMO addiction. It's like leading a double life. The problem is that you can't do that forever. And even when I "succeed" at keeping them distinct, the energy and falsity deplete my vitality. I have it in me to be vital and I'm not. My girlfriend and I have split. That made the reboot seem hopeless. What a temptation to use that as an excuse! But then anytime a crisis happened or I hit a difficult stretch, I'd be tempted to give myself a free pass for relapsing. So what I'm trying to do here and now and today is walk a fine line. I'm not going to make any excuses for being weak. But on the other hand, I'm holding out the hope, a kind of olive branch, that I won't always be weak. Trev and Clean, you guys have an uncanny depth of perception (at least w/ regards to me in this reboot.) Self-perception is the key. I'm habituated to feeling unworthy. That has to change. My head is so darn dense even simple mantras are at best bandaids. I'll try again with USA (unconditional self acceptance) and see if it helps. Are you guys just born with innate optomism, poise and vision? Seriously, Clean, Spin, Pil, Ryan, Trev, High, how can I get better perspective? Because I don't have friends that I can share with, I need you guys. (Is admitting that a sign of weakness?) Do you see how screwed up my mind is? I've crashed and burned, I'm on an anonymous site with people who've shown care, and amazingly I'm concerned about showing weakness. That is a red flag that my thought process is askew or out of focus. I hope tomorrow will be better for all of us.
Day 1 Today was a good day. Thanks Clean and Al. I will check out your suggestions. I hope tomorrow will be better for all of us.
Day 2 At this stage I'm really just beginning. Even though I've been trying to reboot for a long time (it seems long), I still have hope.
Not me. I've been a ball of anxiety and denial for long periods. Everyone's different. I think the common key is acquiring the ability to observe negative thoughts as they occur, rather than just experience them. That is, to get just a little separation between the negative thought and your "self." Then, when you feel like a worthless piece of crap, you can say to yourself, "I feel like a worthless piece of crap because I'm not where I want to be," rather than just thinking "I am a worthless piece of crap." You'll still feel like a worthless piece of crap, but the feeling won't be as overwhelming. This is not easy to do. For me, talking to a professional and taking antianxiety drugs helped. If you have the means, good professional help can be useful (but bad professional help can be a real waste of time and money). You seem to be on the path to self-awareness. You are observing your emotions and are interested in them. You already have achieved a degree of separation between negative thoughts and your self. Keep trying to observe you negative thoughts--by exercising perspective, you will reinforce perspective -- that is, the perspective that while you may feel worthless, that is a feeling, not reality. You may not believe that reality is different, but, IMHO, just entertaining the possibility that your feelings of worthlessness are not necessarily reality, or at most are gross exaggerations of reality, will, over time, have very positive benefits. However, this is not easy to do, and if you can't escape the feeling of hopelessness on your own, I strongly recommend that you get professional help -- even if it's just a stop into the emergency room to talk to the psychiatry resident on duty. The right medication can give you that first, necessary separation between you and your negative thoughts. No. The only downside is that anonymous chatroom acquaintances may not be there when you really need them. The reason many people talk to therapists is that they have no one to talk to about this kind of stuff. Hang in there.
Seriously, you have to start meditating. This self-awareness that spinergy talks about is vitally important, and it starts to happen automatically the more you meditate. I used to think meditation was airy-fairy pseudo-spiritual nonsense, but it is actually quite straight-forward and has a lot of science to back it up. It basically develops awareness, which is what all addicts need. I can't stress this enough. You are going to be feeling really shit after breaking up with your girlfriend, no doubt. But once you attain self-respect, everything is just... easier. That is the key to a happy life and a successful reboot. Being happy in your own skin without relying on anyone or anything external. Get comfortable with who you are, truly accept yourself, and believe that you can achieve anything when you commit fully to it. Because you actually can. It just takes willpower, effort and determination. These are all easily attainable once self-respect is achieved. Get meditating and come back to reality. It's actually not as horrible as I thought it was.
Hey man, hope you're feeling better now. It takes a while to get over our self-loathing. I hope you're past that inward, endless spiral of defeating and confusing thoughts. Keep updating your journal. It's a good idea to document things regardless of whether you feel positive or negative at the moment.
Hello Gettingthere, I'm new around these parts. (like a line from an old western, huh?) I saw your posts on some other threads and admired how you encouraged people. I know that cyber-world greetings aren't the same as something in the real world. But I do hope in spite of that, that you're feeling some encouragement and hope at this moment. Keep fighting for what you know is right Arthur
Hey Gettingthere, Sorry to hear about the rough patch but things can only improve when they seem bad. The break up with a GF is always tough. I split with my girl in April and after 45 days free of PMO I fell back into the cycle hard. I'm only just now getting out of it and building momentum. I hope you don't struggle too hard with this as it is unnecessary pain. Best of luck man. I know you'll pull through and move towards better days.
Hiya GT. Missing you brother. I hope you come back around soon and catch us all up on all things gettingthere. Good luck my friend, hoping the best for you!
Hey gettingthere, miss you too. Are you alright? How's your struggle going. Believe me: Stay strong and make the next attempt! It's really worth it going the way trough the reboot! Seeing to hear from you!
