Good stuff Gettingthere! Saying 'thanks' to things that life offers you is a powerful practice. Addiction makes us really self-centered, so it's good to practice showing gratitude, and there is a lot to be grateful for in life.
Hi, Gettingthere! Keep saying THANKS! Ande keep walking on this amazing journey to discover YOURSELF. Step by step
Day 8/111 Recover, Hope, Trev, Pil, thanks you guys for your comments. I had a terrible day yesterday. I edged to porn (on a "dating" site) but didn't O. I'm not re-starting my count because I need to feel I'm advancing even though it's not completely accurate. I do want to be honest with myself and you guys. I did P and M. I'm acknowledging that. Trev I'm trying to be patient with myself and not get too discouraged. And Pil, I'm trying to be good to myself and discover my true essence. That essence is not a weak PMOing pussy. Today will be better--much better. At least I managed to not O so I guess I did make a small accomplishment.
same day and going well, No real urges to PMO. Here's my conundrum. I joined a sex dating site. It caused me to nearly completely relapse (I didn't O.) I want to quit the site so I'm not charged next month. But if I go to the site it is trigger city. I'll want to check my mail, make a few contacts and I'll be looking at porn-type pics. Then I'm in danger of edging again. We addicts have a way of making life more complicated than it need be. Any ideas?
1. Ask a friend to cancel for you. 2. If you can't do that, choose a public space like a cafe or a library to cancel your account. Make sure you sit where people can see you (maybe not your screen). Even better, arrange to meet someone at a say 2pm there, and only start to cancel your account 5 minutes before they arrive so there is no chance of escalating.
Daniel offers some very good suggestions. Those seem like the most logical to me. It's natural that once you deny your brain it's stimulation from one source, it will seek ways to get it through other means. Smoking, drinking, drugs, prostitution, casual sex, sex dating sites. But hey, lesson learned right. Now you know not to fall for this trap. You're smarter and stronger now!
I signed up on a dating site, but luckily I never had enough money to pay the fee. I also didn't have an interest in dating sites anyway, I never even trusted them. So eventually I canceled that account. I also say it's a good idea to cancel your account, for the sake of rebooting. Your life is more important than dating sites, this way. Dating in real life will actually be much easier and much better, once your attitude improves. You also might want to avoid touching yourself for a while.
Day 9/112 Thanks for the suggestions Rc, Champ, Dan. I'll get rid of the dating site because it's sure to make me PMO eventually. Today I wrote my girlfriend (hopefully) a manifesto of my goals in life. It was really good self-therapy. Today I'm really horny and trying to hook up. I'm not really doing well because I keep on fogging up my brain with dopamine. I won't PMO today, I won't.
Hi, gettingthere! Keep strong, man! Try to face the craving, close your eyes and look at it. It wants to tell you something. May be look to something you are afraid of looking at. Try to dont fight with it. Just dialog, meditate in silence. Courage and good luck!
Day 10/113 I edged yesterday but didn't P or O. But this is definitely putting me on the edge of collapse. Pilgrim you're words are so true. I don't know what I need to face yet but I know it's there. I'm going to try not fighting that and dialog instead. I hope today is better. I did work well yesterday and I need to be productive today.
Hey man, I was reading through your journal backwards lol. Your fear of not knowing when you'll have sex seems to get in the way of your successful reboot. What about the hottie at the gym? It sounds like she'd be open to going on a date with you. I'm just saying you could get over the fear. Sorry about the breakup with your girlfriend. As for the edging, IT HAS TO STOP. It's going to seriously fuck you up man. Your balls will be so full the next morning, it's going to be unbearable. If it's driving you nuts, you might as well MO and start over. Without porn of course. Just don't torture yourself. The whole idea is to avoid the dopamine rush which edging provides. Hang in there man, you're an active fella here. Commenting on everyone's journal so you have plenty of support here.
Hi gettingthrere. I'm catching up on your journal after a week away on business. I hope you are doing well and got rid of the dating site and edging. stay strong my friend!
Day 14/117 On Friday I had a siezure so I was in a bit of a fog over the weekend. It was not too bad but I was hoping to go a lot longer than a couple of months siezure free. I was able to relax with my dog and some kayaking and grilling out. I recognize that I've been feeling blah since my breakup (hopefully we'll get back together.) If not, that gym hottied would be a great girl to ask out. Even if she refused, I would feel good for having asked. Yeah Train, the fear of not knowing when I'll have sex again is bringing me down. I did quit the dating site and haven't edged for 3 days. The edging just fueled my dopamine addiction. It has to go forever. I need to keep fighting this addiction even though I'm feeling low. There will be many low days ahead and I'll have to handle them like a man. To PMO because I feel lousy is just a bandaid. I need to learn to deal with all the feelings I've avoided with PMO. I have a feeling this will be an important part of rebooting. The emotional rollercoaster has started.
I am glad you are OK. This is very scary. It is very true. Using PMO to medicate the "lows" is like using heroin to medicate the "lows' of heroine addiction. It is only going to prolong the addiction and make you feel worse. We all have to find a way to refocus all this sexual energy and positive brain chemistry from no PMO into healthy, fulfilling activities that are SUSTAINABLE in the long run. The vicious cycle of PMO is obviously not a sustainable way to live. I am experimenting with trying new things and every morning sitting for a few moments and think of positive thoughts as i envision how my day will play out. try this! It is a really interesting experiment, and some days makes me much more motivated to progress towards the positive vision of how my day will play out. I am glad you stopped the edging brother. That only makes you more horny and will lead to relapse and starting the whole vicious cycle over again. I edged during early karezza experiments and suffered PE the next session. Edging made me so horny, all I could think about was sex and fantasy, making me highly distracted. It is just not a good idea, and might lead to guilt and negative thoughts. Keep fighting my friend!
Day 15/118 Thanks I-Am for your support and empathy. I'm so used to medicating my emotions with PMO, it's hard now to face this side of me. I'm not really strong and I'm not really so rational. I'm in a fog and I can't tell what's coming up next. Nothing has changed externally. Maybe what I'm experiencing is internal. Maybe I'll look back and say that this was worth it to save my life. Right now I'm not thinking clearly or acting decisively. I'm really worried.
What do you mean with 15/118? I tought this meant day 15 of 118 but I've noticed that everytime you progress with one day, the other number also goes up with one day? What's up with that
You are going through a low phase right now. My rational brain tells me it will pass, and in a few days you will be back up on a high again. . but since you are living through it, it is very hard for you to be rational about it! You describe a fog. Like a brain fog? Eatin well? Are you vitamin deficient? when starting re-boot, did you take zinc to get your levels back up? M causes great loss of zinc, which in turn is vital for brain function. My doctor tested me, and I was very deficient in Zinc! So all the PMO was depleting me of zinc, and I do not replace it fast. I had chronic low zinc for years. I was very, very foggy in the head from the low zinc (I believe). Do you eat much bread or wheat? Maybe wheat allergy or celiac? I had bread a few days ago and walked around in the fog for 2 days. I had not eaten wheat in 45 days previous, so it hit me like hard. Very bad brain fog from minort wheat allergy. I am trying everything to come out of the fog myself. I have been in it for many years now. It is probably from a combination PMO/wheat/low-zinc/ADHD. Maybe they are all inter-related. I just do not know. I'm also taking the fish oil and lecithin with some l-tyrosine in my daily protein shake. All good brain stuff.
Come on GT, you made it through day 75 before. You know just as well as anyone that this is a phase that has to pass. Stay strong, believe in the process, and let the benefits come to you. Good luck!
Hi gettingthere, Be very careful with your own self-talk. You mentioned that you are not really strong and not really so rational. Maybe not as much as you would like to be, or will be capable of being in the future, and yet you are rational enough to realise that you have an addiction and have used whatever strength you have to start this reboot. Hey! there's a good example of strength! I strongly believe that we have to be so careful with whatever monologue the little voice in inside our head is telling us. The self-talk is not who we really are, it's just what we are going through at the moment. Damn right! Rebooting can save your life. I am sure that it is saving mine and giving me a whole new lease on life. I sincerely hope that it does the same for you too, and everyone else reading this. Keep going man!
Day 17/120 Trev and Full, I can't thank you guys enough. I think I can pull through this funk I've been in. I'm realizing a lot of my reboot depends on luck. If things go wrong at the wrong time and I happen to be in a lousy mood, I've been unable to resist. So now I'm going to take whatever strength I do have and be grateful for that. Then as far as the externals, I'll pray for a bit of luck so that I don't get hit with the perfect storm.
