wife here, really need support

Discussion in 'Women' started by nevergoodenough, Feb 2, 2014.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    No, I don't think so. He does now, but he never gave it a second thought in those ten years. Ironically I've spent the last two days reassuring him that I don't think he's a sick pervert. When all I can think when we are fooling around is I'm nothing special, he's been getting off to other womens boobs and kitty. I can't even fully explain here BC its exhausting. I can't turn my brain off.
     
  2. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    I honestly can't even believe that
     
  3. LTE

    LTE Master Of My Domain

    You can't control him or the things he has done but you can control your reaction to those things. Try breathing slowly and concentrating on inhaling and a hail g as deeply as you reasonably can. That might help you to calm your mind.
     
  4. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    He seems to think that all should be well and good. He can't understand my emotional ups and downs, I have ok days and I have insanely depressed days. And he pulls away or gets pissy when I'm having bad days. Not seeming to understand it makes it all the more worse. And yes, I've bluntly told him this. He seems to think there's some magic word or deed that will make it all good... I've told him I don't need continual apologies, that's not what I'm after, I'm not after anything. I'm just trying to make sense out if the past ten years.
     
  5. zen_lioness

    zen_lioness Love will conquer all.

    I feel you! Not sure what triggered it, buy today I felt like complete shit. I was jealous and critical of myself. Hoping for a better tomorrow.
     
  6. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    Yeah, here's for better days all around!
     
  7. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    I guess part of it is that I don't feel like a sexy woman anymore. I am 35 ,I have two kids, I can't compete with some 20 year old whose never had kids or doesn't have scars from surgeries. Yes I'm an attractive and sexy female, it just hurts and is hard because it was so hard for me to be totally comfortable with someone in the first place, I was always guarded, and I let those walls totally down, let myself be totally vulnerable, I don't know if I can ever get that back now. I let those walls down, was totally open and apparently wasn't enough to keep my husband. I've never felt so alone. I cry all the time and try not to in front of him to spare his feelings. I'm not trying to guilt him. Logically I understand. But on a heart and soul level I am crushed.
     
  8. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    My heart just breaks for you :(

    I have read a little bit about your situation and although this might not be how you think, this is how I think. I am a very spiritual person and believe in the law of attraction. I think I brought this situation on myself because I didn't think I was good enough. I endured 11 years of a sexless marriage and did nothing. I went on to have two kids with this man and did nothing. We were sexless even before marriage and I still chose to marry him! I was completely asleep to how I caused this. I'm not saying it's my fault but I am responsible for the choices I MADE. In early 2013 after yet another ED episode I point blank asked my hubs if he had masturbated the night before and he admitted that he did. I gave him an ultimatum and I wasn't taking it anymore. I gave him 6 months and I started looking into divorce attorneys. I was dead serious. Something snapped inside me and I knew I could do better. I started treating myself with more respect and started demanding answers. Then things began to change. Here I am a year later and our relationship has done a 180. My husband has completely healed and we are well on our way to mending the hurt and pain together. I didn't force him or make him do anything I just let him know what my choice was going to be if I didn't see any improvement.

    I understand you are crushed but you need to cry in front of him, you need to put your needs first here. He's putting his needs first. I know it's an addiction but you can't hold his hand the whole way. I understood that the reason my husband hated talking about it was because he would do anything to make his guilt go away. I would be crying or angry and he would turn it around on himself like he was the victim. I stopped it every single time. I told him that although he has a problem, I am the real victim here. I wanted sex and he withheld it from me while he satisfied his own needs. I needed his empathy. I needed him to listen. After a while that need went away but my firm belief is that an issue will never go away until it is resolved. We talked constantly!

    Anyway I know this is all over the place but I'm just writing out my thoughts as they come to me ;) Have you ever heard of Byron Katie and her website? I think it would be great for you to check out as it helps to dispel some of those disparaging thoughts you have in your head. Those thoughts will keep you locked in victimhood which isn't a safe place to be and definitely not a good place to make decisions from. Imagine your life healed, imagine it daily and feel those wonderful feelings...eventually it will come true!
     
  9. Bibbity

    Bibbity Wife of a recovered addict. 3 yrs strong.

    I should add that I can relate to the feeling less sexy and attractive big time! I am the type of woman who gets looks from other men all the time but you still feel like crap because of the lack of sex and desire I endured for so long. I have to admit to myself however that this problem came long before my husband. I never felt sexy and attractive no matter what anyone else told me. I never ever believed a man who told me how beautiful-hot-sexy I was....long before my husband came along. It's almost as if I chose my husband because he lined up with the belief I already had about myself.
     
  10. TheSupportiveWife

    TheSupportiveWife New Member

    I'm sooo going to get "flamed" for this, but I am a blunt and brutally honest person ( NOT mean spirited in the least ) who isn't afraid to share my opinion, of course it's just that MY opinion so take it or leave it...

    First off, it looks as if we have a bit in common, I'm raising my 2 1/2 year old GRAND DAUGHTER, so I understand having young child, our own kids are all grown ( from previous marriages for us both ). Been with my H for over 17 years. I'm 45, very physically fit & quite attractive if I do say so myself LOL ! ( have been a Horse trainer for YEARS ) had a very serious injury several years ago, wasn't able to walk for 3 months, so not being able to do the things I always had and being on LOTS of medication pushed me into a deep depression. AND we both started dealing with this issue about the same time.

    So to say it is ALL his fault IMO is wrong, own YOUR part in him relying on Porn, I own MINE. During your illness I'm sure you weren't feeling like being sexual all the time, so he turned to P to substitute the visual stimulation he used to get from looking at you during foreplay and while making love ( also Hearing you enjoying him ) mine did, and I UNDERSTAND, it may be distasteful, but I do understand. I pretty much lost MY libido while I was injured and depressed, we still had sex, but I it to be "nice" to him, I wasn't really "into" it, made HIM feel like he wasn't worthy, that I wasn't attracted to him, yadda yadda ( sound familiar ??? ) NOT to say it's all your fault, or in my case mine. Relationships are 50/50 right ;)

    So reading through ( at least TRYING to read through all of them ) I immediately get the impression that you are VERY needy, and it sounds like you have a LOT of issues NOT related to your husbands porn use that you should really think about dealing with professionally. Self esteem is just that SELF esteem, you are relying on your husband it seems, to get the validation. You are WOMAN, hear your OWN Roar !!! ;)

    Ok so now that that is said, here my 2 cents and what I did to remedy our situation.

    First, I got off all the meds, I got myself well and in the right frame of mind. no more pain er YEARS of it, and getting off the substances really worked. THEN I read up on PIED, PA etc,. I went to my H, and started a dialogue, read him some articles and had him take a PA quiz ( I did NOT ask him to tell me the answers, that way he could be honest with HIMSELF ) I had regained my libido, now it was time to get his attention back on ME... COLD TURKEY on the Porn, PERIOD. I started to show my interest, not pressuring him though, he had developed Performance anxiety ( which made the PIED worse ) kept an open, un judgemental conversation going.

    I guess too many women have low self esteem, I may be one of the rare ones, but I know MY chit doesn't stink ;) LOL, so him looking at porn hasn't make me feel bad about myself, only ONE thing I detested was if we had sex, and I found he later Masturbated to porn I got pissed... but it wasn't that I felt jealous the porno sluts, I just thought " Gawd, MEN are so gross, they are way too into getting off"... which is true to a large extent. ( apologies the fellas here, but I DID say I was blunt )

    Buck it up Girl !!! Stop whining ! Make yourself well, get strong and KNOW you are the bomb. The porn has nothing to do with how gorgeous you are or aren't, porn is a totally different animal, so to speak.

    We have been having the BEST sex since we got together... even better than the "honey moon" period sex :D
     
  11. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    i'm just copy pasting from the other thread , seems to fit here too

    no actually I do make him feel wanted, shit I have hundreds of sexy outfits I'd put on for him, drawers of this crap! He knows he's wanted, in fact we've always had pretty amazing sex, and a lot of it.... he just chose to still get off to porn on top of it thus resulting in ED at the age of 35...he has said that he feels like he was always coming up to me and kissing and hugging on me and showing afftection, and I guess I thought I was showing him that he was appreciated, and loved and wanted by things I did, aparently wasn't the right stuff , but whatever... now though I am always going up to him and hugging and kissing on him... probably because all this time I KNEW something was wrong, I didn't ever think for a minute it was this, I actually thought it was an affair at some point, , so maybe I wasn't showing him affection like I am now. Now we are talking, now we are open with eachother, now I feel truly safe, and yes I have issues from the past, but I don't think it's unreasonable to want to feel safe with my husband. We really do have an amazing connection, he really is my other half, there's just been a "holding back" for lack of a better word I guess, on both parts.... yes I understand I was sick, I just had two babies... and yes many times I was just being a good wife and giving him sex....ironically trying to avoid all this shit, but HE wasn't there for me emotionally like I needed. He was too damn interested in getting off. SO yeah while I can understand that part of it to a point, the other half of that is the fact that I had just had our two children, I was struck with this illness, I was surviving, and while he was physically there for me ie helping with the house or kids , he wasn't really there in the way I needed. So then I start feeling better, my sex drive goes thru the roof, we start having the most amazing sex, but he now has ED from all the masturbation, now he's addicted, so he's taking pills to get it up to have sex with me, we are having sex all the time, and he's still jerking it to the porn...
    Now we are talking, we are open, we are more connected than ever, we had a great night last night, and for the first time in a long time I truly felt safe with him, we made love all night long, it was literally like we were one soul. and what sucks is THIS is what we've been missing all these years. not just the sex, but the whole night we had, just very connected all night, emotionally in tune
     
  12. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    Well it sounds like you are making progress.

    2 things

    1) I think its unfair to say he chose to run for porn. I think you underestimate how hard it can be to try be the person who has to stay strong and run the household when the partner is ill. That and the life changes that come with kids - it can be freakishly stressful and if you can't show it but have to just carry the burden (as you are the supposed to be the strong one) can be quite a load. almost in every country men commit suicide 3-4 times more often than women. It was BAD to resort to porn - but blaming him for it its pointless. It wasn't a conscious choice any more than anorexia is to some women. When I am trying to point that all this might have been harder for him than you realize is IN NO WAY a competition to how hard it has been for you. That is a moot point.

    2) Yesterday is gone. Feeling sorry for what past years or months have been or have not is not constructive. Yes its good to know the facts but dwelling in past does no good. The only days you can fix are today and in a tiny amount tomorrow. So concentrate on those. That way the further future will be what you want it to be.
     
  13. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    You know its funny, some of these partners who are ranting and raving oh he's an asshole, he disgusts me, yada yada, I'm supportive, I have already felt like I fell short and that's just confirmed. So be it. I had two kids, my body changed AND I got sick. Sex typically drops off after a woman gives birth and she's taking care of kids, she's self conscious her body has changed. But its not ok for me? I already feel shitty enough , I came here for support not for his actions to be defended.
     
  14. Giavanna

    Giavanna Member

    I just want to make one point, the thing with porn addiction is this: It doesn't matter how young, sexy, beautiful the woman is. It's all about the novelty. Even if the men who have PA, could be with a thousand sexy, beautiful women, they'd still be addicted to the porn. J was a photographer and he had hundreds of women he took pictures, videos of, in real life, right here in this house. He NEVER wanted to have intercourse with any of them. He only wanted the pictures and videos of them, to use for himself.
    Before he finally got rid of those pictures and videos, I had seen them... beautiful, young, sexy women. They meant nothing to him as he's admitted. He only wanted them for sex, for himself. Maybe two of them, he tried to have a relationship with, but not for intercourse. He had them do things for him, hj, bj, wearing sexy clothes, dancing for him, lap dancing, etc. I remember a couple of videos in particular. One girl was fully clothed and was using her hand on him. Another video he was using his hand on himself standing in front of this young girl, who was dressed in sexy clothes, just sitting there on the bed. So you see, J had every opportunity for 'real' sex, but did not pursue it. You have no idea of the pictures, videos I've seen! J was into this shit BIG TIME! He finally stopped because a group of these women, got together and robbed him. J was so trusting that he had given them the code to his home alarm system and a key to his house, so one day, when he was not at home, they came in here and stole a lot of his property, TV's, computers, jewelry, etc. But honestly, in a way he brought it on himself. Although these women were young, sexy and beautiful, they were in it for the money. J was in it for the porn. Some of these women were a real piece of work, low lifes, in my opinion. Some looked like prostitutes you would find on a street corner. It was a blessing that he got robbed, because that's when he stopped photography. He's since taken pics of me, and of course viewed porn on the internet, but no live models anymore. Thank God!
    I too, have felt like less than a woman. I used to be a SA and would dress up and go into night clubs and pick up men. Men were all over me, would constantly chase me, call me. It was a huge ego boost and I found it thrilling to be wanted like that. So like J, I also used... men. So I can understand it, to a degree. With me, it was real men, not pictures, videos.
    After having been used to all that male attention in the past, it was so confusing to me, to be with a man, who didn't want to have intercourse with me. It was VERY disturbing to me! J has told me that I'm the sexiest woman he's ever known, but that still doesn't keep him away from the porn, no matter what I do!
    I thank God that I finally got over my SA! I have been free of it since 1999 and I KNOW that I am FREE. I will NEVER go back to that way of life. It was NO LIFE. I finally had to come to terms with it and realize that I hurt myself and other people. I stopped that stupid behavior. I know the root cause of it, though. It was because I was sexually abused as a child. My beliefs about myself were all SCREWED UP! J's beliefs are all screwed up too. I am hoping and praying that someday, he will know the root cause of his addiction. I know that somewhere in his subconscious mind, lies the truth.
    The thing is, no matter how messed up his brain is, he's still a wonderful man. It's the ADDICTION, that is to blame, not him. I'm trying so hard to see that. It was the same thing for me. I would act out, to get love and attention, then feel horrible about myself, then to try to feel good again, act out again. It was a vicious cycle that never seemed to end. J does not feel good about himself as he's told me a countless number of times. I can relate to that, because I felt the same way. If you really love and care about yourself, you won't do things that will hurt yourself, or other people. When you finally start to love and respect yourself, you will see things clearly. Right now, J's mind is still in the fog, just like mine used to be.
    If only I could have been able to see myself clearly years ago, I could have avoided all that pain and heartache. I cheated on my ex husband throughout our marriage. I was selfish and self-centered. I did not know how to love... in the right way. I did not love me. It's been very hard to forgive myself for all the hurt I caused my ex. Now, I'm experiencing the hurt that J's addiction is causing. Talk about karma!! I believe that I can help J, though because of my own addiction. I believe that God put us together for a reason. Even though I realize how hard it is to break free, it does affect me. I'm trying to not let it. I'm still a beautiful, sexy, wonderful woman. I have to keep telling myself that all the time.
    Sorry about being so long winded, but I just had to voice my feelings. I hope that something I've said has at least answered the question about what addiction truly is. It's a learned behavior that probably started in childhood, about some false beliefs that were put in your head. If you can find out the 'why' you can start to question it and see if it really is true. I used to believe that I was only good for sex. Was that belief true? HELL NO!!


    Giavanna
     
  15. Meatloaf

    Meatloaf New Member

    my point wasn't that you fell short - not at all.

    Just that you both have had rough time and he has reacted the way he has. Not a good way for sure. In no way did I mean to even imply that its your fault - just that it happened. Its tough bits that life trows on our way - some deal with it better than others. My only point was that he didn't end up doing what he did because of conscious choice - and even while stupid things to do doesn't mean that there is much wrong with his persona. Understanding is not same as approving of. Of course his actions are not something that should be approved of.

    I also don't agree with the other poster that you failed being sexy for him. You probably did your best - what else is there to be asked? And anyway my thinking in the previous post was that it wasn't lack of your sexiness but more likely stress of everything that initiated his addiction. AGAIN - it doesn't make it ok. And much less your fault.
     
  16. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    The thing is, I have already taken on the blame, hence my name, and all the posts... yes, I know I failed as a wife, I didn't give him enough attention, we were under stress etc etc etc... but at the same time, he didn't give me what I needed, bc he was to worried about getting off. now that things are out in the open we have a MUCH better relationship, like I said I always KNEW something was up, so of course he's not going to get all of me, why so I can be hurt that much more .... but now I feel safe, I know he's being open with me. and I AM being very understandning. NEVER once have I told him hes a sick pervert, never once have I even told him off or put the blame on him, I see MY Part in this. I get it , but it doesn't mean that I'm not crushed. I can understand in the begining, whatever being selfish, not fully being there for me after having the kids and getting sick...whatever its done its over.. but I was finally fully convinced all these years what I "knew" was all in my head, that all these years I've been unfair to him bc he's been the perfect man, when in reality the porn has taken him PHYSICALLY since he couldn't make love to his own wife, and EMOTIONALLY bc we KNOW porn addiction fucks your head up. So it's like the omg it wasn't all me, it wasn't all in my head, I wasn't imagining all of this
     
  17. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    its kinda like if he got sick, say cancer, bc yes lyme is along those lines,sadly though everyone including many drs think its not a big deal, yet I know of thousands of people whose lives have been stolen... anyhow, say he got sick, it wouldn't justify ME going out and getting my physical needs met elsewhere, no, I would be there for him, I would step it up. and its not like he had all the burden on him, I did more than MOST healthy wives and mothers do, which I guess it part of what pisses me off, I pushed thru a complete hell, i had over 60 symptoms, from excrutiating pain, feeling like my body was ripping in two, to throwing up every day for years, but I was there to pick up my kids from school, puking into a plastic bag in my car, I"d be the mom others would call n say "Im tired can u pick up so and so" yeah, I literally haven't slept in 4 days, I'm puking in my car, I'm here to get MY kids bc I can't rely on anyone else to help me, I even have a home cooked meal waiting at home, and a clean house... but yeah I'll pick up your kids so you can take a damn nap. I just wish I would have actually let myself be sick, clearly it didn't matter in any aspect of my life that I pushed thru it all when all I wanted was to die
     
  18. TheSupportiveWife

    TheSupportiveWife New Member

    If you were referring to my post... you missed the point, I didn't blame YOU for his addiction, I said own your part, BIG difference.

    Ok, I already said I'm Blunt, so here's goes once more...


    .......... Stop being so whinny, every post is poor me, me, me, me... even your user name denotes your poor me attitude.

    You will get support here I am sure, you already ARE, but you also give your entire life story, which probably needs to be dealt with through some kind of therapy or other channels, I can see you REALLY need to talk to someone and are doing it here, I think ( again JMHO ) maybe it's best to stick to the issue at hand ;)

    I'm not trying to be mean, but we all have things in our lives that are tragic, illnesses, debilitating injuries ( I actually couldn't WALK for 3 months ! And was in writhing pain ) I understand your lime disease, had a friend that had/has it.


    Meatloaf's post ( borrowed part of it, hope that's OK ) was spot on...

    "2) Yesterday is gone. Feeling sorry for what past years or months have been or have not is not constructive. Yes its good to know the facts but dwelling in past does no good. The only days you can fix are today and in a tiny amount tomorrow. So concentrate on those. That way the further future will be what you want it to be. "
     
  19. nevergoodenough

    nevergoodenough New Member

    well I'm glad you are so confident and sure of yourself... maybe that's part of why your husband strayed... my best friend is much like you, and everyone gets tired of hearing how wonderful she is. I give my past and thats not even all of it, so as to make things easier to understand. My feelings are NOT unwarrented, from the research I've done people who seem to have a semi charmed past are totally blown away by these revelations, so NO I do NOT think it's a bad thing , given my fucked up past, to want to feel safe with my husband.
     
  20. TheSupportiveWife

    TheSupportiveWife New Member

    Strayed ? When did I ever say he strayed ??? That term to me, means having physical sex with another. I don't consider porn cheating, while many wives may, I don't. So He never strayed, also, when I was injured and depressed, I knew he was substituting sex with me with porn, it was OK with me since I didn't feel like being intimate, obviously not viewed in FRONT of me, but it wasn't a dirty little secret, he didn't hide it, he did view it after I went to bed. So in essence, I contributed or at least ENABLED what became an issue. That's why I say I OWN my part in it ;) I explained that in my first posting on this site.

    I also don't remember saying "wonderful" I am... my POINT is you need to get yourself strong.
    I may not think/say I'm "wonderful" but I know I'm a strong woman. I had F-ed up things happen to me in the past too, molested by 2 different adult men when I was 7. My first husband was so abusive he almost killed me. BUT I don't use my past as an excuse and i DON'T dredge it up every chance I get, what's done is done, I am who I am because of ALL of my experiences... good or bad and I wouldn't trade who I am for anything, not even to NOT have gone through what I did.

    I NEVER said your feelings are unwarranted... absolutely NOT. but you need to buck it up a little.
     
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page